Our life has been hell for the past 2 years...

Dear Mark,

My name is E___, and our son's name is J___ (he is 15 yrs old). J___ has been sentenced to a four month open custody at the Young Offenders Centre and 2 month community supervision sentence which may be served at home or in a group home, we don't know yet. The judge ordered child welfare to be in contact with us 45 days prior to his May 30 release date from open custody to be involved to find a home for him for assessment and treatment. We had a case conference at the Centre last week as he is eligible for a group home during his open custody. It was decided by them to keep him there for 2 months as a stabilization time before he is moved.

His sentence was for breaching the conditions of his probation (he had 3 breaches)...not following the rules of the house, drug (marijuana use), and not going to school. His involvement with the law started last spring when he was running away and not coming home for days. In that time he was charged with shoplifting a skateboard and the police put conditions on him, which he had no regard for. One month later he was also charged with stealing our motor vehicle. We charged him after the third time taking it. The courts then put more conditions on him and he was arrested several times for breaching his conditions and held in custody for 2 - 3 days 3 times. He was finally put on house arrest while he waited for a pre-sentence report and actually did pretty good in that time. He was put on a year probation last August and as soon as probation started he began not following his conditions. After several times in court - sometimes dates being moved, etc. He was to be sentenced on Dec 6 of last year and went to court stoned and they held him for a week so that he wasn't under the influence at sentencing. At that time he was sentenced to 90 hours community service and told one more breach and he would be sentenced to some time. He kept putting it off and asking for update on his sentence report, which happened in fall as well, but was unable to comply and continued to not follow his conditions (it was myself who reported his breached to the probation officer. His sentence came on Jan 31/08. That's the background.

J___ is not angry with us and realizes to some degree his consequence. He calls us everyday (he only has 10 minutes) and we have been visiting on the weekends at the centre. He says he realizes that his marijuana use was coming before everything else. He says he wants to make changes, change some of his friends. We are going this weekend to see him along with the drug addictions for a counselling session. What he is not understanding is the length of his sentence because there are other people who have less sentences for worse things. We have tried to tell him its not just for the 3 breaches but all the other breaches (probably about 20 plus) since last summer, and that when the same judge sees you 10 times. We try to tell him he was given lots of opportunities by the courts and us. We tried to have house rules and you didn't follow them as well as not following your probation. He has put in appeal for the length of his sentence and we did tell him a couple of weeks ago that we don't support and we won't go against the judge's decision.

I've started reading through your book online, and yes we've been through tons of counselling. Eventually he will come home and I feel the changes need to start happening now even though he is not at home, even in our conversations. He does have a mentor that he calls and talks to (he talked to you last week - Tom Barthel). I would like some suggestions on how we can communicate with him effectively so that he realizes that people care about him and that when rules aren't followed like you say in your book, society will control him. Also so that we support him but can't enable him. He is a good kid at heart, very intelligent and polite, but defiant and making some bad choices and his life was definitely heading down the toilet. My husband and I love him dearly. Our life has been hell for the past 2 years especially the last year.

I would love any immediate suggestions.

Thank you,

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: I would love any immediate suggestions.

I would simply "let go" and allow him to experience his natural consequence (i.e., the sentence). Other people are taking care of the discipline side of things for now. I don't think you need to do anything additional in the meantime (other than accept his phone calls and making your weekly visits).

During his first week home, implement Session #1 Assignments. Week two, implement Session #2, and so on.

Re: I would like some advice on how we can effectively start communicating.

First of all, implement Session #1 Assignments when he returns home as stated above.

Also, the strategies in the eBook entitled "The Art of Saying Yes" ..."The Art of Saying No" ..."When You Want Something From Your Kid" ...and "I See - I Feel - I Want" will be effective in weeks 2, 3, and 4.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Which is more difficult to treat, ODD or Conduct Disorder?

Online Parent Support

3 Strikes?

"Mark, What do you think of the “3-strikes-you’re-out” rule. We thought we would give our 15-year-old son one verbal warning for misbehavior, if the problem continued, give him one written warning, if the problem continued, issue the 3-day discipline. Have you heard of anyone trying this? Do you think it will work? Thanks in advance, M."

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Hi M., 

 I don’t think this method will hurt anything, but I don’t recommend it because it will be a waste of your time and energy. The “3-strikes method” is just another traditional parenting strategy that makes little – if any – change in the child’s behavior. I find that when you give a kid 3 strikes -- he uses all 3. 

Teenagers, by definition, push against the world to see how it will push back …they test the limits …they spend a lot of time figuring out how much they can get away with. This is normal for a teenager. Thus, you can count on your son using all 3 strikes. A better method would be “When You Want Something From Your Kid” in the eBook (a “1-strike-and-your-out” method).

Mark @ Online Parent Support

Parents Are Not On The Same Page With Parenting Strategies

Well we just joined your program so we haven't even read all the way through the information, but the question I have is how do you convince your spouse to try this program? The reason I ask is his patience are at the end. We have a 14 year old that has ADHD, ODD, is bi-polar and has separation anxiety disorder. He is quite a challenge and there are days when we feel like there is NO hope. He is failing 3 of his required classes in school also? Just wanting to know how to get my spouse on the same page and to help him have some patience!

Click here for my response...

How long? How long?

Mark, It's been a while since I updated you on our family. M is in intensive probation as you recall. He had his first court hearing yesterday. They couldn't bring up the fight or the driving past curfew (from 9/07) since they did not have the completed paperwork from the prosecutor. He has started back to work, going to his counselor once a week, taking his ADHD rx (that I know of) is attending school every day (I am transporting to/from however) and he is maintaining all A's and B's with a C in psychology. Our home life, however is slower to come around. He is keeping himself very isolated in his room. He is either playing with his laptop, PSP, I-pod, etc. He will cook food for himself and leave a mess. Whenever he is asked to help out in the home, he either just says "no" or says "in a minute" and then never does it. The littlest thing will get him angry and then the F#*& come rapidly. They are aimed usually at me, and not just in conversation.

He misused his laptop the other day, I asked him to put it away, he didn't and the F bombs started, he threw his pillow at me (I believe he showed restraint here as his bedroom was recently painted and with new furniture), but I told him if the behaviour did not stop he would lose his laptop (we are blocking his Facebook page and he keeps trying to find a way around it, and was very mad that it was blocked again). He was at school the next day, and I locked up his laptop. He immediately went for it (it was gone) and then starting trashing the house looking for it. He turned over my bed, upturned all the chairs, sofa, etc. He started throwing things out of my china cabinet, and when I warned him, he did show restraint and not break any dishes/glassware. I took my keys, told him to clean up his mess, and the 24hrs would start when it was clean. I left. When I got back, younger brother had put back all the furniture/bed but not the contents of china cabinets and some papers I had that were scattered. M was just laying on sofa. I calmly told him he had 5 minutes or I would take pictures and loss of computer would be 7 days. He chose to do nothing. Within a day or so, he was talking to me again, etc. and has NOT asked for computer. Husband however, told M "I would give you back your computer". He has not been backing me as he has done before. I feel he has given up. He gets angry, shows the anger, blows over the top, and then furiously back pedals. This is definitely not helping.

Last counseling visit, we parents were not called in (parents are usually included first or last 10-15minutes). Dad has only recently agreed to go with us, (it is VERY difficult) and the counselor did not call for us. Husband very upset, yelling, and probably will never go back. He says M is the one with the problem, not him, it is a total waste of time, etc, etc.

Mark, I realize that we probably won't see any REAL genuine improvement until M accepts responsibility for all of this, but how long before we see improvement in the home? His behaviour has been a real issue for almost 2 yrs now. Bosses at work, co-workers, teachers, etc. say he is polite etc. to them. The devil only shows himself at home. Counselor and PO say it will take time for him to "adjust". How long?

Also, husband and I truly believe M is just waiting until he is off probation and then he will go back to his old behaviors/old friends. He is 17 now and knows we don't have much "power" to control him anymore. We would like to ask the referee to keep him on probation until he is 18 (2/2009)--currently scheduled to be off 4/3/08 if he continues to do well. Have you heard of anyone asking this before and how was it accepted?

I should mention that M doesn't talk to us. When we try to talk to him about anything other than superficial he gets angry and the F bombs start to fly. When do you think he will start to open up to us?

Click here for my response...

Don't Procrastinate!

Dear Mark:

Our daughter refuses to meet us half way. Today she left the house to go to a friend’s. Without permission! The list goes on and on. Will your book really help with this kind of problem child? We feel helpless as to what to do. We can’t lock her up. We can't forcibly restrain her - and don`t dare strike her. She is 15.

D.

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Hi D.,

I can – and will – help you, but you're the one who will have to take some action.

In answer to your question, "Will your book really help with this kind of problem child" ...it absolutely will help! I'm not going to bullshit you, though. The work will be tough -- but the reward will be well worth the effort. It all depends on how serious you are to implement change. Don't procrastinate!

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

It works, it really works!

Mark,

I wanted you to see what the teacher has said since we last spoke! We have had a victory- hopefully the beginning of many! It works, it really works! You are a God send!

THANK GOD!! WOOHOOO
THANK YOU!!!

Teach writes:

So far today he has continued to surprise me. He has done wonderfully. Way to go mom. Now we know the rest of the story and what needs to be done to get his attention. He is a great kid!!!

B.I.

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I wanted you to know that D___ had a terrific day yesterday. He finish all the assignments he was missing and he raised his hand the correct way to get help. He followed all the rules just like he was supposed to do. He earned his behavior clip and he seemed to be very proud of it. He has come in this morning and without my telling him he started to work. I am seeing a totally different kid and I love it. I will try to let you know more later.

Thanks, B.I.