He refuses to eat what serve...

Hi Mark,

I am enjoying reading your book and up to assignment 2.

I apologize for being upfront and I am hoping you don't mind me asking you for advice.

I have a wonderful 14-year-old son who is giving us a bit of grief at the moment. His attitude basically is we are all his servants and he basically yells at us. Very hard to actually sit down and have a conversation.

We always sit down for evening meal but R___ just about refuses to eat what serve. He wont suggest in the morning what he would like but is happy to complain and whine. This is the same as his school lunch.

I thought today I have had enough and refuse to make his lunch and will offer dinner knowing very well he won’t want it. R___ would sooner starve than actually cook something for himself.

What do you think is going on here? What is the best way to handle this situation? I know it sounds petty. I don't want to waste any more effort on making a situation worse.

Appreciate your time,

J.

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Hi J.,

You’re definitely not alone. Children's nutrition is a sore topic in many households. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. So don’t become alarmed. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time. Here’s how:

1. Be patient with new foods. Children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing -- he is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Good luck,

Mark

Online Parent Support

I am not able to reach him...

Dear Mark,

I stumbled across your web page last night after yet another devastating episode of frustration. J___ is my second child and has so very much to offer. He is very fun loving, but has struggled with self control and discipline for many years. He is twelve years old and I am so very afraid that we are now beginning to damage him. I see that he thinks we are all against him, he believes that he is flawed and struggles with good decision making. We have three other children full time and two that are here every second weekend. It has gotten to the point where we have become unable to enjoy family outings because of his behaviour.

I have studied children’s development for many years and have many certificates and degrees in Early Childhood Education and Psychology. I am not able to reach him and I am so afraid for the dynamics of our family and his stability.

I ordered your ebook and am anticipating positive results. I am so very hopeful that your program will effect change in our lives.

Thanks!

Lori

My Out-of-Control Child

I am very angry that he did not stay in his room...

"Mark - My 12 year old son was rude and disrespectful and lied to me today so i grounded him for the evening, he continued to yell and shout so i sent him to his room - and he just walked out the house. At this point I am hoping he will come back at a sensible time and i am very angry that he did not stay in his room and also scared that if grounding him doesn't work anymore i have no other method of discipline left that has ever worked or that he cares about."

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In the future—

Re: yelling and shouting. Tell him he’s grounded for 24 hours with no privileges (i.e., no computer, phone, TV, video games, etc.) – and the 24-hour discipline does not start until he stops yelling and shouting. Then let him decide when to start the clock. As soon as he stops yelling, look at the clock, write down the time, and tell him he will be ungrounded in exactly 24 hours from that time. If he starts yelling again, the clock starts over.

Re: walking out on a discipline. Tell him that, in the future, if he walks out on a one-day discipline, it automatically becomes a 3-day discipline, which doesn’t start until he returns home. Also, while he is away, you will be confiscating quite a few of his cherished possessions -- and you will call the police and file a run away charge. The next time he walks out on a one-day discipline, follow through with what you told him you would do.

All bite – no bark. This is serious business. If you, the parent, cannot muster up the tough love described above, then you’re not working the program as intended – and you will not be successful in helping your child make better choices.

For more info on this subject, please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version].

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Dealing With Picky Eaters

Mark-

Have been looking at your website and am very interested. I have 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl. It's no longer a joy being in the house with them all at once!! I'm not saying they are really naughty, they don't trash the house or give verbal abuse, but they perhaps are just being boys and continuously argue, they don't do as they are told and meal times are a nightmare!

Your speedy reply would be appreciated.

K.

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Hi K.,

Here are 20 tips for picky eaters. Use these practical tips to avoid mealtime battles:

Your child has refused to eat anything other than peanut butter sandwiches for the past two days, and your toddler would rather play than eat anything at all. Sound familiar?

If children's nutrition is a sore topic in your household, you're not alone. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time.

1. Be patient with new foods. Young children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he or she takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his or her plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he or she is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he or she may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing, he or she is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Young children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he or she eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his or her eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Mark

Online Parent Support

"My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking..."

"Mark, My 17-year-old daughter has started smoking. Any suggestions on what I can do to get her to stop? Thanks, T."

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Hi T.,

Young people start smoking for many reasons -- to act older, to be independent, to fit in, to relieve stress, to rebel against adults and sometimes to be like their parents. You should talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking:

• Smoking is the leading preventable cause of death in the United States.

• Nicotine is an addictive drug found in cigarettes.

• Approximately 80 percent of adult smokers started smoking before the age of 18.

• Most teens can buy cigarettes even though it is illegal to sell them to minors in all 50 states.

• Spit tobacco (chew) is not a safe alternative to smoking. Regular use of spit tobacco can cause cancer of the cheek, gums, tongue, and throat.

 

Tips for Parents-

1. Show concern. Don't wait for your teen to smoke before you talk about tobacco use. Many kids begin trying cigarettes at 11 or 12 years of age.
2. Establish rules. Talk about family expectations and rules about smoking. Clearly state and enforce the consequences for breaking the rules.
3. Know the facts. Talk with your teen about the dangers of smoking. Teens often don't relate to the future health problems caused by smoking, such as lung cancer and heart disease. Try talking about the dangers of smoking in a way that hits home with your teen. Use a relative or close friend who is sick with or died of a smoking-related illness as an example.
4. Let your teen know that smoking stains teeth and causes bad breath, yellow fingers, smelly hair and clothing, and premature wrinkles. Smokers also have less athletic endurance.
5. Challenge the ads. Talk about the ways that tobacco companies try to get young people to buy their products. Tobacco ads that create images of glamour, fitness, fun, and success mislead some teens to think that they can improve their self-image by smoking.
6. Get to know your teen's friends. Know where they hang out and what they are doing.
7. Be honest. Do you smoke or are you an ex-smoker? You can still express concern over your teen starting the habit. Talk about how hard it is to quit. Share your experiences.
8. If you smoke, try to quit. If you smoke, your teen is more likely to become a smoker. Also, research shows that secondhand smoke (smoke that comes from the end of a cigarette or that is exhaled) is dangerous to nonsmokers because it increases their risk of lung cancer. Ask your doctor or other health care provider to help you quit smoking or call the national agencies listed below for information.
9. Support community efforts to work against tobacco ads that target young people and to enforce laws that prevent the sale of tobacco to minors. For information on anti-tobacco efforts in your community, contact the agencies listed below.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

Adult Aspergers

Mark-

Have you heard of adults having Aspergers. My son has been diagnosed, and it seems that I have some of the same problems.

Concerned father,

J.

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Hi J.,

As more and more doctors and society in general understands more about Aspergers syndrome, the condition is being diagnosed in adults as well as children.

Sometimes the diagnosis doesn’t come out in adults until their own child is diagnosed with an Autism Spectrum Disorder.

Typical symptoms associated with Aspergers syndrome in adults include having an average or above average intelligence, having difficulty thinking abstractly, showing difficulty empathizing with others, having poor conversational ability, and having difficulty controlling their feelings.

They also tend to adhere strongly to routines and schedules, show some inappropriate social behaviors and tend to specialize in specific fields or hobbies.

Adults with Aspergers syndrome often cannot clearly understand the emotions of others.

They may miss the subtleties of facial expression, eye contact and body language.

Like children with Aspergers syndrome, these adults are often seen as odd.

In addition, more males than females are affected with adult Aspergers syndrome.

In years past, such people muddled along in society, sometimes on the fringes and others were diagnosed with different types of mental illnesses.

Now that Aspergers syndrome has been brought into the public light by cases of people who either have succeeded despite Aspergers syndrome or committed crimes as a result of having previously undiagnosed Aspergers syndrome, more adults are being picked up and treated for the condition.

Often these aren’t adults specifically asking for help for suspected Aspergers syndrome but rather have depression, issues around self esteem or other mood issues that bring them to doctors or therapists that are now making the correct underlying diagnosis.

By finding the correct underlying diagnosis, more help can become available even to those who’ve likely had the diagnosis their entire lives but were unnoticed or labeled something else.

Mark

Online Parent Support

His behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse...

Dear Mark............many thanks for the My Out-of-Control Child download and information on Teen Incentive Contracts. My wife, teen son, and I are making progress and are beginning to see improved changes in all of us. This information has answered many of the "yes, but how" questions that we have had.

Our son's behavior is improving at home but his behavior at Junior High seems to be getting worse -- e.g. more tardies, talking back to teachers, not studying during advisory period, etc. The consequence for these incidents is generally an after-school detention. Please advise if there should be a natural consequence at home as well considering that my wife or I must then pick up our son because he can't take the bus home?

Many thanks...............J.

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Hi J.,

You've mentioned 2 issues:

==> behavior problems at school

==> his behavior then is an inconvenience for you

Re: after-school detention. This is his consequence. I wouldn't add another on top of it

Re: providing transportation. Since his lack of responsibility costs you money (i.e., gas) and time, I would tell him that he will be charged a taxi service fee of, say $3.00, in the event he misses the bus and you have to go get him. This $3.00 can be deducted from his allowance, or he can perform some work at home to earn the $3.00, which must be paid back to you.

Sound silly? It works! This sends a very clear message to your son that his negative behavior affects him directly.

Mark

Online Parent Support