"You said things will get worse, and they have..."

---Hi M.… please look for my comments throughout your email below:

Thank you for your previous email. I know you said things will get worse, and they have and I am not sure where we should go now… Our son is 17 years old and has just recently had more behavioral issues….we have had them all along but now they are getting more out of control and it is starting to have more of an impact on the entire family.

We have been working on assignments 1 and 2 and things were good for a while until yesterday. House rule is he is not allowed to sleep over at his girlfriend’s house and curfew is at 11pm. He went to an 18 and under club and was suppose to come home after (we knew it might be later than his curfew) instead went to his girlfriend’s house and when we called at 12:30 am her dad said he was asleep. My husband went over to get him to come home when things got bad and my husband threatened to call the police. Her dad intervened and our son left reluctantly.

Situation worsened at home and he won’t let us even say anything to him…even after a suggested time out on our part. We did not yell or raise our voice and we used a poker face but he won’t even look at us. How do you get your child to let you get a word in ... he just keeps talking and yelling…we get “shut up, I’m not talking to you…I don’t care and I hate you… I’ll walk out and you will never see me again…”

---Actually your son was right, you should have shut up (no offense). What I mean is, he knows what the rules are, and he knows he violated a house rule. There is nothing that needed to be said …and nothing that should have been said. When these situations arise, do not do any of the following:

1. Explain your decision
2. Defend your position
3. Attempt to “reason with” your son
4. Lecture (e.g., trying to “get a word in”)
5. Argue
6. Display any emotion whatsoever (e.g., anger, frustration, irritation, worry, concern, fear, etc.)
7. Fall for the accompanying manipulation strategies that your son is likely to employ

…if we tell him a consequence is that he will not get his cell phone then he says “Oh well, you will never here from me again”.

---Bullshit.

Do we tell him that is his choice?

---Yes.

Now I can’t even get the consequences in? Does he have to acknowledge that he heard the consequence?

---No.

How can we change house rules at this point…he left already this morning 5am to go to her house and said he would be back at 11pm. Those were the past house rules…do we impose a discipline anyway? When do you involve the police? Please let me know what you suggest I can’t live like this and I don’t want to push him out the door but I guess that would be his choice? Thank you for your time.

---I can see that your son successfully accomplished the goal of getting you to chase your tail.

Please refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook]. This is the technique you’ll need to use in the future. If you need any clarification on this technique, do not hesitate to email me again.

In a nutshell: State the house rule and the consequence for violating the house rule. Then let him make the mistake of violating the rule. Then implement the consequence.

Hang in there. I think you are beginning to see a bit of success, even though it’s not traceable at the moment.

Mark

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My son is in a rage...

I cannot get beyond week #1 intro [of the program]. My son is in a rage ever since I refused to allow him to go to a party that I knew would include some of his old "druggie" friends. Some police friends have suggested placing a CHINS order (in MASS) on him through the court to scare him into compliance but I am nervous about having court involvement.

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Hi H.,

1st Do not allow anything to get in the way of you completing the 4-week program. Keep moving forward! Change is hard. Your son’s resistance is expected.

2nd Do not get cold feet just because he’s having a temper tantrum. Stand your ground. This is tough love. If you are willing to suffer through a few weeks of pain associated with the positive change that’s coming, then you’ll get over the hump and begin to see a gradual reduction in the intensity and severity of the parent-child conflict.

3rd I doubt that he would qualify for CHINS. I wouldn’t waste time with it. Your police friends are suggesting that your use fear-based motivation with your son. Fear-based motivation is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have no positive outcome - and could make a bad problem worse.

4th Let him have his “mad time.” Is he destroys property or becomes physically aggressive, then you absolutely must be willing to (a) call police and file a report and (b) go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Anything less than this is using half-measures, which WILL be the kiss of failure.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

You Disapprove of Your Daughter's Boyfriend?

"We have a beautiful seventeen year old daughter who has just started to become rebellious. Her grades have been up and down over the past several years. She currently is doing okay (all b’s and c’s). However, she will only be attending junior college because her grades aren’t good enough for a state school. Our biggest issues have been a boyfriend last year who we did not approve of and eventually ended the relationship for her because we were concerned for her safety. This year we caught her online talking to a new boy very late at night and a text messaging session that was sexual in nature with the phone in her bed after midnight. As a result, we told her that she was no longer allowed to see him. We feel very lucky that she has not been experimenting with alcohol or drugs. Her only “brush with the law” has been a speeding ticket in February. However, she has insisted on maintaining a relationship with this new boy and caused such a scene yesterday because I refused to let her hang out with him that I had to cancel her senior portraits. I don’t think we are probably in as severe a situation as many of your clients, but I’m wondering if your program is appropriate for our situation. Any information you have will be helpful."

Click here for my answer...

I work with families in their home when a report of abuse has been made...

Hi Mark,

I’m glad have purchased your book on “My out of control Teen.” I am actually a survivor of raising my own teens. One was gifted and one was learning disabled. What I do now is work with families in their home when a report of abuse has been made. I do intensive therapy with them for about 90 days 3-6 hours a week. I have found your book to help me help them in ways to ease the tension that has built up for a long time. The family that guided me to your book was a family with different mental illnesses (hate the labeling). Anyway I just want to thank you for your help and support. Parent’s need this kind of support since raising children is much harder now then in the past.

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Hi S.,

I'm glad that you are working with families this intensely. Feel free to use me as a consultant if need be.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Dealing With Teen Girls Who Run Away From Home

Hi Mark,

I’m sure you’ve heard it all before when it comes to teens etc everything you state in you initial page about teens and their out of control behaviour really does apply to my 15 year old girl…. And I do mean ALL of it. So thank you firstly for being a point of contact and believe me that I will do everything to gain more knowledge and power within my own family unit to enable my daughter to be able to make better choices in her life.

One question I do have is concerning persistent runaways – my 15 year old has runaway from home 5 times we had the police, authorities and even the school involved with trying to “help” her but to no avail, after the fourth time I ended up packing up and moving 1400 km away from everything we had known even becoming separated from her father (who she initially blamed for running away) thinking that a fresh start would help – obviously this hasn’t helped as the initial problem is still there (now she admits that it wasn’t anything to do with her father) and has not been dealt with effectively….

After only 5 weeks of being here, she is fighting and in trouble at school even a threat of suspension – has had ignored my “consequence” of not being able to go and stay over at her friends house for her continued violent and aggressive behaviour, instead smashed up her room, cussed as me with a fair few profanities and simply walked out stealing money and cigarettes on the way out!

I have not on this occasion contacted the police as I have previous times, instead I issued an ultimatum via text message (she wont answer my calls) that if she did not return by 6.30pm then the police would be called. She texted back to say she was fine and will return home in 2 days when she’s calmed down!!! I issued the ultimatum again…… and left it – as I say needless to say she has not returned and I have not contacted the police yet. The question is how do I deal with her on her return?????????

Click here for my response...

Dealing With Attention-Seeking

I'm trying to do the "art of saying yes & no." My 9 yo has 10-20 request from me a day. How do I handle it when I run out of chores or ways for her to earn what she wants? It seems like she makes the same requests over and over even though the answer is always yes and has been for years. (Like can I have an after school snack.) She wants my attention from the time she gets home until bedtime. Although I spend 15-20 mins listening to her and responding thoughtfully she never gets enough. I have 2 other children I can't give her every second of my day. How do I get her to quit?


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The attention-seeking child is in need of more attention than most. She seems to have something to prove and doesn’t take as much pride intrinsically as she does extrinsically. This child may not have a sense of belonging. Try and understand the need - this child may have a low self-esteem and may need some confidence building. Sometimes the attention seeker is simply just immature.

Interventions—

· Always commend the child on her achievements.

· Provide her with a time that is just for her. Even a 2 minute period before or after dinner or a 5 minute period before bedtime that is "her time" can be very beneficial. Stick to it! Each time she looks for the attention, remind her of her specific time alone with you. In time - if you're consistent - you will see that this strategy works quite well.

· During the child's special time, take time to boost her confidence.

· Promote intrinsic motivation. Ask the child what she likes about what she did.

· Provide the child with responsibilities and a leadership role from time to time.

·Sit down with this child and explain to her that you have a number of children to work with each day.

Never forget that ALL children need to know you care about them and that they can contribute in a positive way. It took the child a long time to become an extreme seeker of attention. Be consistent, patient and understand that change will take time.

Mark

Online Parent Support

My son has been moved to a group home...

Hi Mark,

Further to my e-mail, my son has been moved to a group home dealing with kids in the juvenile justice system this weekend. We had the opportunity to pick him up and transport him (4 hours). It went pretty well, he was looking forward to getting out of the institution type setting. He will be there until May 30. We (me and his father/husband) are supportive of him, but we definitely want things to be different. Your online book so far couldn't hit closer to home. We are allowed to take him out on a weekend pass this weekend for 4-6 hours (we have to drive for 2 hours to get there). I have to admit I'm a little nervous and want to enjoy our time together without getting into conflict. I have been working through your book and am at the "high energy kid".

I was reading the part about medications for ODD & ADHD. He is on 2 types of medication and has been for 3 years. I've always been uncomfortable with it. My son does want to go off of it when he comes home and he's said he knows that at some point he has to learn to manage without it. While he was in the juvenile jail, they were going to try taking him off of it entirely and see how he manages, but they decided that this program would be more beneficial for him and didn't want to take him off once moved and have him possibly crash. Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?

We were thinking of seeing a movie and going out for something to eat. He would like to go to the mall and have us buy him something - ie. sunglasses which he doesn't need as he has 4 pair at home. I told him I would talk to his father and of course my husband told me "have the balls to say no" - you don't need to ask me because you already no the answer.

I guess that's my issue - he always comes to me and I do have a hard time saying no especially when he "gets in my face". As I won't be able to complete the entire book by the weekend, what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?

Also, how would you suggest handling a situation where he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad. I had told the staff he was not allowed to smoke (he's receiving treatment). He phoned me angry and tried everything under the sun for 10 minutes (he's quit for 6 wks while in the juvenile facility and wanted to) to change my mind, but I did stick to no without getting in too much of debate. I just hate that anger and manipulation. Its easier to say no on the phone. He doesn't seem angry anymore and still calls home.

Also, my husband isn't terribly interested in reading this book and is tired of always everything focused on our son, but like I've said to him, eventually he will come home and I don't want to continue doing things the way were doing them and for the miserable life we were living. I get the rolling of the eyes and "I don't want to talk about it right now". I know I can't change him, but how does only one parent make changes and have things change. He's at a point where he would like to throw the towel in and makes comments like "he hasn't made any changes" "he's just pulling the wool over everyone's eyes"

Thanks for your help and I'll keep reading - I wish I knew this 3 years ago.

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: Any suggestions on how to assist him on this or exploring it while he is there?

I need to know exactly what medication he’s on before I can make a recommendation here. There are some drugs that you must be extremely careful with when it comes to “weaning off.”

Re: what would you recommend in dealing with any conflict that may come up?

I guess you haven’t got to the part of the program that talks about “self-reliance.”

In short, if you’re going to work the program as intended (which I know you want to do), your son must EARN everything. Thus, to buy him a pair of sunglasses goes against the grain of this program and is considered to be over-indulgence (a core issue and huge contributor to the problem).

Re: he hangs up the phone on me because he "doesn't" like that I've said no and got mad.

Pick your battles carefully. Ignore it. Move on.

Re: but how does only one parent make changes and have things change.

My good guess is that your husband is being a hard ass in response to your being too soft. If you will toughen up a bit, your husband is likely to soften up a bit. Also, keep in mind that a weaker plan supported by both of you is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.

Mark

Online Parent Support