My husband and I are psychotic...

First of all, my son refused to sit down. I asked him to do so twice, and it made for a very uncomfortable situation. But, on we went anyways. We are all given choices in life. And it is up to each of us to face the consequences of whatever those choices may be. For example, if I choose to drive my car too fast, I may or may not get caught, but if I do get caught, I am sure that I will get a speeding ticket, and I have no one to blame buy myself. That is responsibility. Freedom comes with responsibility. That is the price of freedom. Do you agree?

When Dad and I told you that you could not go to Ray's party, (because you lied (your choice) you decided to act out. You decided to destroy your bedroom, after I had it fixed up and painted. You decided to punish us? Do you agree? Well, you thought you painted us into a corner…If anyone is painted into a corner, the first thing they do is to try to find a way out? Do you agree?

Well, as a consequence of your behavior, Dad and I chose to go to District Court and apply for a CHINS. It is a court hearing for teenagers who choose to be rebellious. On Tuesday we will be going to speak with a judge in regards to your choice to be rebellious. This is only a hearing. If you choose to come with us and cooperate, the judge will speak to you and explain consequences to rebellious behavior, such as destroying our property. If you choose not to go, you will have to be escorted/ and /or arrested. This is very serious.

The outcome of the conversation is that my husband and I are psychotic. The biggest thing that we can take away from him, is his opportunity to get his permit. Why should we give him his license or permit when he can't be trusted. This is the consequence of his behavior. His attitude and lack of respect for either of us is a real issue here. So, we are letting the dust settle this evening. He can earn it back if he changes his attitude.

So, we decided to go to court, just so he will sit down and listen to us, and what we have to say. If he would have sat down this evening, I would not have had to go this far. Consequences to poor behavior. Please let me know what you think? Your opinion is very valuable during this process. 

Sincerely, Catherine

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Hi C.,

Wonderful job.

I do have a couple comments.

At one point, you said, "He can earn it back if he changes his attitude." This is fairly vague. You need to be more specific when conveying to your son exactly what he must do to earn his permit.

If I were to videotape him having a "change of attitude," what would I see? Would I see that he's not using profanity ...not raising his voice in anger ...not tearing up furniture ...what?

Whatever it is, state it. Be very specific. For example, "You will be allowed to get your permit in 7 days if you (a) get home by curfew, (b) avoid calling me names, and (c) do not damage any property."

I'm just using the above statement as an example. You'll come up with something that actually applies to your particular circumstances.

Re: sitting down.

This is turning into a power struggle. If he wants to stand, let him.

Pick your battles carefully. You have bigger fish to fry than whether or not he is sitting.

My last point is this: We as parents want to foster the development of self-reliance in our children. Thus, the question becomes, "If I do not allow my son to get his permit, will this foster the development of self-reliance - or inhibit such development?"

Clearly, it will inhibit self-reliance. As such, I strongly recommend that do not lengthen the consequence (i.e., no permit) beyond a 7-day time limit. If the consequence goes longer than 7 days, your son will not be able to see light at the end of the tunnel and will likely feel as though he has nothing else to lose (a dangerous frame of mind to be in).

Mark

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Mark,

Thank you so much for your input. I am listening to you and implementing your ideas. So, rest assured you have an open ear with me.

It was difficult to talk last night, because he would not sit down.

Last night, after the conversation, he was angry. I reminded him that I loved him very much, and that this court thing had to be taken care of. We were not sure if we could cancel it, and that he had to know what was coming.

He felt it was stupid. What did he do?

I remained calm when he called me psychotic, and told him he was entitled to his opinion, but that I knew that I was not psychotic. The fizz went out of the battle.

My husband was able to cancel the CHINS appointment, and I would rather have it that way. I don't want an intermediary.

I will get more specific on "change of attitude". Also, the permit issue. I understand what you are saying …will get more specific.

Thanks so much for your time.

I love your book, and your input, ideas, etc. 

~ Catherine

We caught him using drugs...

Hi,

My son is 15 years old and is out of control. After we caught him using drugs in 9th grade. By the time he was in 9th grade, his grades fell etc. At that time, I asked him if he was glad he was caught, he said that he was. He even went to stay with his Aunt and cousins to get away from the influences, etc.

He came back home six months ago, and has been doing well for the most part. However, he is still acting out and has been hooking up with his old buddies again, which makes me very nervous. I started with my poker face, and have been plugging along.

When we said no to hanging out with his friend, he proceeded to destroy his room. My husband and I actually locked our bedroom door at night. We just didn't know what to think. And I went to court to file a CHINS.

This weekend he is at his Aunts house, and it is quiet, calm, and I can think. I intend to talk to him about the CHINS and explain why I did it. I want to give this program a shot. Even if we go to court, it is only to let him know that we are not afraid to call the police
if need be. It is not a scare tactic, it is a reality at this point in time. He continues to push and lie, and on it goes.

When I speak to him about the changes we are making due to this program, is when I will also bring up CHINS. Even if I use it as a parenting mistake, he will have something to think about.

I am being cautious not to be deceived by his behavior any longer. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

C.

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Hi C.,

I’d say you’re right on track. Just be sure to word the warning exactly as follows: If you choose to _____________ (the poor choice goes here), you’ll choose the consequence, which is __________ (the consequence goes here). Then be sure to follow through with the stated consequence in the event he makes the poor choice.

Also, when issuing the above warning, do not provide any intensity (e.g., lecturing, threatening, getting angry, etc.). Otherwise, your son will turn it into a game (i.e., he’ll push the limits just to get another reaction out of you).

Stay tough …your son will benefit.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark-

Thanks for your input. What happened is when that behavior went so out of control, I went to the court and set up the hearing. Now, since it is on Tuesday, I am not sure if we can get out of it. So...............that is why I am letting him know about it. He has to go, or they will come get him.

He is such a player that he drove me to do this. I became resolved to do whatever it takes to put an end to bad behavior.

I plan to begin by talking about choices. We all make choices. I could choose to speed in my car, but the consequences are that I would get a ticket. You made a choice to destroy your bedroom. to lie to us, be sneaky, etc. These choices have consequences.

Yesterday began with a simple discussion about blue jeans. He destroyed a pair of his jeans while working. I suggested that he should not throw them out because he made need them next time he works, etc. He got defensive. Instead of blowing up, I remembered the discussion about pain. In order to be heard, I calmly said, I just don't want you to ruin another pair, since they cost money.

Afterwards, he apologized to me for getting upset.

He knows that we are changing, but he does not know the extent of it. He will know tonight. I thank you again for your time.

C.

20-years-old ...and still living at home.

Thank you Mark!

This book is full of great info… I wish I had read it sooner.

My son is 20 years old now with the mentality of 16. He moved with his father with all the great dreams of how he can start fresh. Unfortunately he still shows disrespect to the rules of his father's household and never at fault, being late for work, staying out late and does poorly at college. His new family is very irritated at him and his dad has been considering moving him out on his own. I am not sure if it is a great idea. He is not on drugs or alcohol, but he got some bad character traits that we as his parents keep fighting against for a long time now. What should we do?

As per my ex and myself, we have been working as a team and never fight. So, he can’t play us against each other.

I am lost. Should we just let him go and let him fall?

Any ideas?

Your advice would be greatly appreciated!

Thank you very much,

N.

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Hi N.,

Wow! This is an easy one.

Re: Should we just let him go and let him fall?

Allow me to answer this in three parts:

1. Yes

2. Absolutely

3. Definitely

With all due respect Dear Mom, I can see by your email that you and your husband are still using “soft love” as opposed to “tough love.” I’m concerned for the two of you that your son may never leave the nest, as he is too comfortable in there.

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 18- to 25-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.

This new phenomenon is highlighted in the movie Failure to Launch. Matthew McConaughey plays Tripp, 30-something bachelor whose parents want him out of the house. They've hired Paula (Sarah Jessica Parker), an interventionist, to help him move out. Paula has a track record of successfully boosting men's self-confidence to cause them to want to be independent.

Interestingly, this story line is not as far-fetched as it may seem. Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes.

Since the '70s, the number of 24-year-olds still living at home has nearly doubled! Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change:

1. They Are Unprepared

They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza.

These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!

When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves?

2. They Are Cautious or Clueless

They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.

Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

3. They Have Personal Problems

They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event.

In Failure to Launch, we learn that Tripp's parents indulged him largely because the woman he loved died, and he hasn't gotten over his loss. When Tripp falls in love with Paula – the new girl of his dreams – his self-sabotaging habit of dumping a girl before she can get too close gets reactivated. Finally, his friends intervene and Tripp eventually faces his demons, to everyone's delight.

If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

4. They Have Mounting Debt

They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.

If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.

Determine Goals and Stick to Them— Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son begin his own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him launch into responsible adulthood.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

How much longer will you tolerate dishonesty and disrespect? How many more temper tantrums and arguments will you endure? Have you wasted a lot of time and energy trying to make your child change? If so, then this may be the most important article you'll ever read.

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How to Get Bullies Off Your Child's Back

"Hi Mark, Thanks so much for your support. We are using the "Yes" and "No" responses in your parenting program . The "Yes" response is working a treat and I am very pleased with the results. Of course the "No" response is getting a lot of protest but we are persisting. It is working even though the child is flatly saying I will not etc. I allow him a little time to think about it and he eventually goes and does what he is told instead of accepting the consequences. Of course the hardest thing for my husband is keeping a poker face but he is improving every day.
 

A little off the subject - I am wondering if you have any miracle strategy for getting bullies off my son's back. My son is not street wise and is constantly "set up" etc. The school is useless at addressing the issue. Thanks so much.  J."

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Hi J.,
 

Here are some other strategies to discuss with your son that can help improve the situation and make him feel better:

 

• Act brave, walk away, and ignore the bully. Firmly and clearly tell the bully to stop, then walk away. Practice ways to ignore the hurtful remarks, like acting uninterested or texting someone on your cell phone. By ignoring the bully, you're showing that you don't care. Eventually, the bully will probably get bored with trying to bother you.
  

• Avoid the bully and use the buddy system. Use a different bathroom if a bully is nearby and don't go to your locker when there is nobody around. Make sure you have someone with you so that you're not alone with the bully. Buddy up with a friend on the bus, in the hallways, or at recess — wherever the bully is. Offer to do the same for a friend.

• Hold the anger. It's natural to get upset by the bully, but that's what bullies thrive on. It makes them feel more powerful. Practice not reacting by crying or looking red or upset. It takes a lot of practice, but it's a useful skill for keeping off of a bully's radar. Sometimes kids find it useful to practice "cool down" strategies such as counting to 10, writing down their angry words, taking deep breaths or walking away. Sometimes the best thing to do is to teach kids to wear a "poker face" until they are clear of any danger (smiling or laughing may provoke the bully).

• If it feels safe, try to stand up to the person who is bullying you. If the person who is bullying you thinks you won't do anything about it, they are more likely to keep picking on you. This doesn't mean you should fight back or bully them back. Instead, tell the person bullying you that you don't like it and that they should stop! Keep it simple. You might just say, "Cut it out, Miranda!", and then walk away. If possible, try to talk to them in a calm voice. Kids who bully often like to see that they can make you upset. If you're afraid to talk to the person who is bullying you by yourself, then you might want to ask someone else to be there with you. Kids who bully are more likely to listen, and less likely to bully you, when you're with someone and not alone. If you're not comfortable standing up to someone who has bullied you, that's definitely OK! Just walk away. But be sure to tell an adult.

• If you are being bullied on-line, don't reply. This may actually make the bullying worse. Instead, be sure to tell a family member or another adult you trust. If possible, block any more communications from this person. (For example, it might be a good idea only to accept messages from people you know.) Save evidence of the bullying. If you get a nasty e-mail, print it out or save it so that you can show it to an adult.

• Join clubs or take part in activities where you'll meet other kids. Sometimes, it can help to join clubs or take part in activities that interest you. Think about joining a sports team, taking an art class, or joining a scouting group, for example. You can meet other kids who share your interests and you might make some good friends! 
  

• Remove the incentives. If the bully is demanding your lunch money, start bringing your lunch. If he's trying to get your music player, don't bring it to school.

• Stay in a group. Kids who bully like to pick on kids who are by themselves a lot— it's easier and they're more likely to get away with their bad behavior. If you spend more time with other kids, you may not be an easy "target" and you'll have others around to help you if you get into a difficult situation!

• Talk about it. Talk to someone you trust, such as a guidance counselor, teacher, sibling, or friend. They may offer some helpful suggestions, and even if they can't fix the situation, it may help you feel a little less alone.

• Tell an adult. Teachers, principals, parents, and lunchroom personnel at school can all help stop bullying.

 

What NOT to do if you are bullied:

DON'T...

• fight back or bully a person back. This probably won't make things any better and it might get you into big trouble. Besides, you should try to act better than the person who bullies you.

• hurt yourself. Some kids who are bullied get so sad and depressed that they may try to hurt themselves because they think there is nothing else they can do. This definitely isn't the answer. Talk with an adult immediately and tell them how you are feeling. They can help stop the bullying.

• keep it to yourself and just hope the bullying will "go away." It's normal to want to try to ignore bullying and hope that it will stop—or hope that the person will start to pick on someone else. But, often, bullying won't stop until adults and other kids get involved. So, be sure to report the bullying.

• skip school or avoid clubs or sports because you're afraid of being bullied. Missing out on school or activities that you enjoy isn't the answer. You have a right to be there!

• think it's your fault. Nobody deserves to be bullied!

• think that you're a "tattle tale" if you tell an adult that you've been bullied. Telling is NOT tattling! It's the right thing to do.

Good Luck!

Mark

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My daughter won't talk about what's bothering her...

"How can I get my 16 year old daughter to open up about what is going on in her life. When I ask her, I get the same old response "Nothing". I can clearly see that something is terribly wrong."

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Do you need help disciplining your child?

Do you need help disciplining your child? If you're constantly arguing and fighting with someone more than half your age, tune in for a "Reality Check" with Life Coach and Contributing Author for MyOutOfControlTeen.com, Chandra Alexander, and learn why when you feel out of control - your child will be out of control as well.

1. If you have boundaries and discipline, so will your child. Boundaries make children feel safe.

2. Both parents need to be consistent and in sync with one another - children naturally play one against the other.

3. Do not say you are going to do something and then not do it. Children listen when they respect.

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Ex-Husband Undermines Mother's Parenting Efforts

I have a 13 year old son, who has ADD and ODD. His father and I are divorced. D has 2 sisters ages 22 and 18. We had been going to a wonderful Doctor who was helping both houses deal with the issues that D has and giving us the skills you speak of. He wanted certain things to be the same in each house, but then the houses would run differently based upon each parent.

It was working so well and everyone has seen such a huge change in D. Unfortunately, his father could not follow the program and was not following it in his house. I was and the conflicts were dealt with and D was less defiant etc... There was harmony for the first time.

This was the third therapist, and was the only one of the 3 that was able to figure out why my ex husband has undermined and sabotaged each and every one of them. We are under and have been under the court order for the kids to seek therapy, and each time my ex would not make the appointments, not listen to the advice of the therapist, and tell the kids that they didn't need therapy etc...

He didn't know who to believe after each of us had our initial meeting at the beginning back in April. Our 3rd doctor, was able to take my son out of the middle by being the go between for myself and my ex and try and see which parent actually was telling the truth and who would follow through or not. Well, he apologized to me for not believing me from the start, as I was the one that followed through and dove into the program. It was hard, but I knew that I had no other choice if I wanted to be able to survive with my son.

He was doing his chores on his own, would listen when and if he had to have the consequences for not doing homework, chores, talking back or being rude etc...

He was 14 assignments behind, as part of the program was to let him suffer the consequences of his own doing. That was one of the most difficult things I had to do. Knowing that he was not doing his homework, but I did it. My ex went on his honeymoon and I had D for 2 weeks. D got caught up in that time span with all of his homework, but I was called all the names in the book for following through and not letting him practice or play soccer (as this was one of the consequences spelled out). My ex got back from his trip and in less than 48 hours, dismantled 6 months worth of work, by letting D go to soccer when his rough draft of his major report was to have been completed before the soccer game.

I had a funny suspicion that he was not going to follow through and I contacted the doctor to let him know what I was feeling. He contacted my ex at 2:30pm, and was assured the doctor that D was not going to be going to soccer that day.

The next day my ex, his new wife and D had an appointment with Dr. M and they all sat there and did not mention to him that D had played in his soccer game the day before (his rough draft was not completed) letting Dr. M think that D did not go to soccer.

Dr. M once he found out that he was lied to, tried to get my ex to come back in and get back on track with the program. He refused to, so Dr. M had no choice but to terminate.

Oh, by the way Dr. M figured out that my ex portrays himself on other people. Example: Tells people that I am the bad parent, when it really is he that is the bad parent.

I also just found out from both of my daughters that their father was telling them starting at the age of 8 or 9 that I didn't love them, and that he was the one that raised them. Now he is doing this to my son. The girls have stated that they were brainwashed by him, which I had been saying all along. All 3 of the kids all have said the same lines, which came directly from their father.

So, my question(s) to you are how do I get back on track in my house, when dad has undermined my efforts in my house to follow the program?

D will not listen or do anything in my house. He wants me to ask him nicely each time I want him to take out the garbage, recycling etc... When I try to send him in his room for speaking to me so disrespectfully he refuses.

D is on a 50/50 split, which I believe is the worst thing for him, as he is now stuck in the middle once again. When we were with Dr. M, D was out of the middle and was able to have a 3 neutral party to find out what parent was actually telling the truth and which one of us did what they said they would do. Because D was able to finally know and see what his father was doing, I believe his father did not like D telling knowing that he was the one that couldn't follow through, was a wimp in D's eyes and D knew that he could make his father do what he wanted him to do. For this reason and others, his father really bucked Dr. M and the program. I have now found out that his father only followed through with D and consequences once in the entire 6 months.

Click here for my response...