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Parents' Tips for "Sibling Bullying"

Dear Mark. My daughter is using your advice and is very happy and has gained a new confidence already. It is a great relief for all of us. My daughter J___ today called me down (she lives close by) because of a problem associated with her daughter (my grand-daughter). The grand-daughter refused to do as she was told and so J___, as a punishment, took her computer from her. Which was OK but then the problem-daughter B___ started bullying her little sister, taking her venom out on her. That's when J___ called me down because some violence erupted as a result of J___ trying to keep the younger sister out of it all. B___ is 13 years old. She is adopted and her step-father will have nothing to do with her. In fact the step-father is prepared to show hatred if the opportunity arises. So B___ has had a bad time in her youth and we have all been trying to help her because our sympathy is with her. Still, she cannot keep getting out of control. What do you suggest about B___ bullying her younger sister when she is being punished herself. My compliments. ~ A.

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Hi A.,

Bullying should only be verbal. Physical aggression or real meanness between siblings is a sign of displaced angry feelings.

Although the child being victimized appears to get your sympathy, that child needs to learn an effective defense, which you can teach.

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Implementing what is known as the Talk-Walk-Squawk rule in your household can be effective, especially in empowering younger children who are being bullied.

Talk - The child being bullied should be taught to use words of empowerment to their siblings such as “stop” and “I’m not afraid of you.”

Walk - The bullied child should then walk away from the scene.

Squawk - The bullied child should tell a parent or a trusted adult about the incident. It’s important to make sure they know this is not “tattling” but a way to work on a solution to their problem.

Countering the bullying-behavior includes:

· Help each child learn skills for handling their emotions – They may not understand or know a better way to express their disappointment, hurt or anger.

· Making sure each child adheres to the rules – There must be clear consequences when breaking the rules and you must be consistent in your enforcement of these consequences.

· Making sure each child knows the household rules – There should not be any hitting or pushing.

Here are a few questions that may help in that process of understanding the bullying behavior:

· How is the child’s home life? Children do learn by example and even though it may be difficult for some parents, an honest assessment of their home environment is necessary.

· Have your child’s circle of friends changed? Any new friend in the picture? Never under estimate the influence of other children. Your child may now be newly exposed to the power of bullying – on the giving end or receiving end. This includes cyber-bullying.

· Has your child had any major lifestyle changes such as moving to a new neighborhood/school, death of close relative, parental divorce or remarriage? Your child may be acting out his frustration and difficulty dealing with their emotions on anyone they can.

· Does the bullying sibling focus on only one child? This may be sibling rivalry gone awry and it could have more to do with you (getting your attention) than with the child he/she bullies.

Given the normal amount of teasing and bickering in any family, it can be difficult for parents to know where to draw the line. Ideally, we want our children to learn to work out disagreements among themselves. But when is adult intervention necessary?

Here’s a good rule of thumb:

Behavior that would be unacceptable between two unrelated children is unacceptable between two siblings. When one child intentionally and consistently hurts or frightens a smaller or less powerful sibling, that’s bullying — and it needs to stop.

Refer to the strategy entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version of the eBook] for specific steps.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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More articles.....

One day you wake up and find that life has changed forever. Instead of greeting you with a hug, your little boy rolls his eyes when you say "good morning" and shouts, "You're ruining my life!" You may think you've stepped into the Twilight Zone, but you've actually been thrust into your son's teen years.

During adolescence, teens start to break away from parents and become "their own person." Some talk back, ignore rules and slack off at school. Others may sneak out or break curfew. Still others experiment with alcohol, tobacco or drugs. So how can you tell the difference between normal teen rebellion versus dangerous behavior? And what's the best way for a parent to respond?

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Many families of defiant children live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. We honestly believe that we can work through the problems.

Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our children. But what does it cost us?

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The standard disciplinary techniques that are recommended for “typical” teenagers do not take into account the many issues facing teens with serious behavioral problems. Disrespect, anger, violent rages, self-injury, running away from home, school failure, hanging-out with the wrong crowd, drug abuse, theft, and legal problems are just some of the behaviors that parents of defiant teens will have to learn to control.

Click here for the full article...

Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...?

Hi Mark,

I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13.

She has been struggling with her sexuality, and has had major upheavals with her friends. She is full of anger and if anyone (family or friend) does something she doesn't like, or agree with, she explodes. A "girlfriend" apparently liked another girl, and that set her off and she downed 10 Tylenol, then told us, so she was taken to the ER and then to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. During that stay, she announced she wanted her mother to be her legal guardian and to live there full time. This was at the end of November of last year.

During this whole timeframe, and months previously, she's been in therapy for counseling. It's not doing any good. The therapist will say she won't accept responsibility for any of her behaviors or any of her actions. And if she doesn't want to get better, she won't.

About 10 days after she got out of the psychiatric hospital, she was at our house. And she lied one lie too many. My husband and she had a major blow-up and he was tired of the disrespect. She threatened to run away, and he thought "take her to her mother's or have to call the police". So he took her to her mother's. And though we've tried repeatedly to have sessions with her, with the counselor, trying to arrange family dinners (she has siblings that she is also not seeing and rarely talking to as well), all she does is blame us. We kicked her out. We don't love her. Yadda. But we also know that she is at her mother's because there is no discipline at all. She hangs with the wrong crowd over there, her mother is on morphine and about 4 other "prescribed" meds so is in zombie land most of the time, her grades are the worst they've ever been (currently flunking 4 classes), and of course, we're to blame because we kicked her out of the house. She's getting into in school suspensions, being disrespectful to her teachers, etc.

The therapist says for my husband (as our daughter's rage is directed at him personally) to continue reaching out to her as it takes away her excuse -- if we are trying to see her and she's the one refusing, then she can't blame us. I guess that is the theory anyway.

My dilemma is this: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you, and who are being (I think brainwashed) by the ex-spouse who is just as angry and bitter at being divorced, and having 3 of her children do to her what this last one is doing to us? To me, our youngest daughter is a possession for her. A prize. A way to get additional monies from us each month. The bio mom wants to be the cool mom. The friend. The come hang at our house mom. The mom who lets high school kids take her child in their car and our daughter doesn't even know them -- but hey, they are a ride to a school event because zombie mom can't drive her. Sorry, I digress.

Can one-sided attempts by us using your information somehow get through to our daughter? All we can do is email or text her, and she doesn't respond. She is sinking fast, is on medication herself for depression, and I'm just at my wits end. Therapy is a joke and she's heading for disaster. Her sisters say she's a punk and they are tired of her b.s. and don't want to even talk to her. And if they do, it's all about safe subjects.

If you have any ideas, or even direction you can point me to for help, I'd SURE appreciate it.

Thanks so much in advance for your time and help,

B.

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Hi Beth,

Re: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...

If your child does not live with you, but is dependent on you financially, partially or fully -- the program will work. Otherwise, it probably won't.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?

Hi Mark, Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They all sound very reasonable and sound. We have been very happy about J___'s attitude and although still skeptical, as he can sweet talk us at time, it is looking good. Our initial 1st assignment talk went well with both our Sons. We did it seperately due to a surprising incident with our 21 year old son. We planned to sit down with both of them on Sunday where schedules permit a time when we can all gather.

Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)

P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties. For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished yet.....it will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.

I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time. We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable? Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm! A.

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Hi A.,

Two points:

1) Your 21-year-old really should be out on his own by now.

2) Re: driving. Self-reliance is key. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question:

“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”

If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!

Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places).

Therefore, he should be able to drive until he abuses the privilege, in which case he loses the privilege for 1 – 3 days depending on the seriousness of the violation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Hi Mark,

First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.

J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!

I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.

J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,

A. and M.

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Hi A.,

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

Here are some suggestions:

Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark

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What To Do When Your Teenager Comes Home Drunk

"Hello, we have just started to work through your book and it seems to be going well so far. However we need help about what to do if an incident happens again like last week - this has happened once before. Our 13 year old daughter went out got drunk - possibly smoked weed, was hit by another girl, then refused attempts to get her home - she was crying and was hysterical eventually a friend calmed her down - she would not respond to us at all. She has just gone through a 3 day grounding and has signed a contract with us (she also self harmed when she was alone in her room). We will deal with things as they happen, but what if that happens again? We felt so helpless. Many thanks."

Be sure to clearly state your expectations regarding your daughter’s drinking and establish consequences for breaking rules. Your values and attitudes count, even though she may not always show it.

If one or more members of your immediate or extended family has suffered from alcoholism, your daughter may be more vulnerable to developing a drinking problem. She needs to know that for her, drinking may carry special risks.

Should your daughter come home under the influence, make sure she is in no immediate danger due to her alcohol use, but wait until she is sober to address the problem. When she sobers up, say/do the following:

1. Say (with your best poker face), "I noticed you came in intoxicated last night. I felt shocked and worried."

2. Next, Listen. Give your daughter a chance to speak (although all you're going to hear is a line of bullshit; she will be angry with you for confronting her and will want you to get off her back; she will probably deny that she drank any alcohol; even if she admits to drinking, she will most likely blame someone else for the drinking episode).

3. Then say, "The house rule is no drinking before the age of 21. If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and you will be charged with minor consumption."

4. End on a positive note by saying, "To help you be successful with following this house rule, I will provide discipline, structure, added supervision, and spot checks. I know you are more than capable of following this house rule - I have faith in you - I know you can do this!"

If your daughter has another drinking episode, follow through with the consequence you stated in step 3.

So here's the formula:

I noticed...

I felt...

--Listen--

The house rule is...

If you choose to ignore this rule, you'll choose the consequence, which is...

End on a positive note

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He can sense the weakness in me...

Hi Mark,

I have finally realised that I'm in a situation of the tail wagging the dog! I need my son to go back to school – and to the school he was originally at, not to a new school.

I shall tell him that he will be going back to school after the holidays. But I am not sure what to say will be an appropriate consequence if he refuses to go back to school. Do I go say there will be negative consequences – no computer, no tv etc? Or do I offer positive consequences – bribery – eg new computer game?

I am worried because I know he can sense the weakness in me like a horse can sense a nervous rider. So I know I have to be firm, calm and confident when I speak to him.

Your thoughts would be appreciated,

Thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

A good combination of both negative and positive reinforcers would be best. Example: The positive reinforcer (the carrot) would be that if he chooses to go to school, he will be allowed to have a friend spend the night on weekends. The negative reinforcer (the stick) would be that if he chooses to refuse to go to school, you will involve authorities (this assumes that school attendance is mandatory in Great Britain).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Child

My daughter has been caught stealing lately...

"My daughter has been caught stealing lately. What do you suggest in the way of a consequence?"

Kids of all ages - from preschoolers to teenagers - can be tempted to steal for different reasons:

· Elementary school kids usually know they're not supposed to take something without paying, but they may take it anyway because they lack enough self-control.

· Preteenagers and teenagers know they're not supposed to steal, but they may steal for the thrill of it or because their friends are doing it. Some might believe they can get away with it. As they're given more control over their lives, some teenagers may steal as a way of rebelling.

· Very young kids sometimes take things they want without understanding that things cost money and that it's wrong to take something without paying for it.

And there may be more complex reasons why some kids and teenagers steal. They may be angry or want attention. Their behavior may reflect stressful problems they're having at home, at school, or with friends. Some may steal as a cry for help because of emotional or physical abuse they're enduring at home.

In other cases, kids and teenagers might steal because they can't afford to pay for what they need or want - for example, they may steal to get popular name-brand items. In some cases, they may take things to support drug habits.

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Whatever the reason for stealing, parents need to find out the root of the behavior and address other underlying problems, like drug abuse, that may surface.

When a kid has been caught stealing, a parent's reaction should depend on whether it's the first time or there's a pattern of stealing.

With very young kids, parents need to help them understand that stealing is wrong - that when you take something without asking or paying for it, it hurts someone else. If a preschooler takes a piece of candy, for instance, parents can help the kid return the item. If the kid has already eaten the candy, parents can take the kid back to the store to apologize and pay for it.

With school-age kids, too, it's important to return the stolen item. By the first and second grades, kids should know stealing is wrong. But they may need a better understanding of the consequences.

Here's an example: If a kid comes home with a friend's bracelet and it's clear the kid took it without the friend's permission, the parent should talk to the kid about how it would feel if a friend took something without asking first. The parent should encourage the kid to call the friend to apologize, explain what happened, and promise to return it.

When teenagers steal, it's recommended that parents follow through with stricter consequences. For example, when a teen is caught stealing, the parent can take the kid back to the store and meet with the security department to explain and apologize for what happened.

The kid's embarrassment at facing up to what he or she did by having to return a stolen item makes for an everlasting lesson on why stealing is wrong. Further punishment, particularly physical punishment, of the kid is unnecessary and may make the kid angry and more likely to engage in even worse behavior. If it's a first-time offense, some stores and businesses may accept a kid's or teen's apology and may not necessarily press charges. However, some stores may press charges the first time around. And there's often little sympathy for repeat offenders.

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Kids of all ages need to know that shoplifting isn't just about taking things from a store - it's taking money from the people who run the businesses. Plus, shoplifting makes prices higher for other customers. They should also know that stealing is a crime and can lead to consequences far worse than being grounded, including juvenile detention centers and even prison.

If a kid steals money from a parent, the kid should be offered options for paying back the money, like doing extra chores around the house. It's important, however, that a parent doesn't bait the kid by leaving out money, in the hopes of catching the kid in the act. That could damage the sense of trust between a parent and kid.

If your kid has stolen on more than one occasion, you may consider getting professional help. Repeat offenses may indicate a bigger problem.

One third of juveniles who've been caught shoplifting say it's difficult for them to quit. So, it's important to help kids and teenagers understand why stealing is wrong and that they may face serious consequences if they continue to steal.

Others who may be able to talk to you and/or your kid about the problem and help you address it include a:

family doctor (who may be able to refer you to a family therapist or counselor)
family therapist or counselor
minister, priest, or rabbi
school counselor (especially if your kid is stealing from the school)
support group, such as the National Association for Shoplifting Prevention, and Shoplifters Anonymous, which may be able to provide information or help (look in your phone book for groups in your area)

Although ordinary acts of theft or shoplifting can be deliberate, motivated by a need, a desire, peer pressure, or rebellion, in extremely rare cases, a person who steals may have kleptomania. With this disorder, which makes up a very small portion of all shoplifting cases, a person repeatedly fails to resist impulses to steal, even though the stolen object is of little value. Individuals with kleptomania often discard the objects after stealing them and also have other personality or eating disorders.

Whatever the underlying cause, if stealing is becoming a habit with your kid or teen, you may want to speak with a doctor or therapist to get to the cause of the behavior.

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