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Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?

Hi Mark,

Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They all sound very reasonable and sound. We have been very happy about J___'s attitude and although still skeptical, as he can sweet talk us at time, it is looking good.

Our initial 1st assignment talk went well with both our Sons. We did it seperately due to a surprising incident with our 21 year old son.

We planned to sit down with both of them on Sunday where schedules permit a time when we can all gather.

Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)

P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties.

For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.

I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time.

We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?

Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm!



Hi A.,

Two points:

1) Your 21-year-old really should be out on his own by now.

2) Re: driving. Self-reliance is key. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question:

“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”

If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!

Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places). Therefore, he should be able to drive until he abuses the privilege, in which case he loses the privilege for 1 – 3 days depending on the seriousness of the violation.


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