Fear Of Going To The Bathroom

Thank you, your book is great and it's helping us with our 10 year old son. One thing I need to know. Our son holds on to his number 2 for weeks because he's afraid of going to the bathroom. How do we handle that?

A.

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Hi A.,

Children fear elimination for a variety of reasons. For example:

Some kids don’t like the splash...

Some see the toilet as a trap and they are afraid they will fall in or that something will pop out of there and get the... get them a smaller seat to go on top of the adult seat

It’s scary to be sitting on a throne in the middle of a room doing something so private...

Some kids say it’s like a part of them is falling off...

Sometimes it’s because their feet can't rest on the floor (ever try to poop with your feet off the floor?)... get them a stool

Some kids don’t like the bathroom because the toilet seat is cold... get seat liners / covers

In some cases, they simply have stage fright (you're staring at him, waiting, waiting, "you can do it", "come on big boy", etc.)...

A lot of times children hold it in because it's a form of control for them. They feel the rest of their lives are controlled by their parents - or other outside influences - but they can hold it in and control that one thing.

We may want to investigate the possibility that your son has Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (OCD):

OCD is characterized by recurrent intense obsessions and/or compulsions that cause severe discomfort and interfere with day-to-day functioning.

Obsessions are recurrent and persistent thoughts, impulses, or images that are unwanted and cause marked anxiety or distress. Frequently, they are unrealistic or irrational. They are not simply excessive worries about real-life problems or preoccupations.

Compulsions are repetitive behaviors or rituals (like hand washing, hoarding, keeping things in order, checking something over and over) or mental acts (like counting, repeating words silently, avoiding).

In OCD, the obsessions or compulsions cause significant anxiety or distress, or they interfere with the child's normal routine, academic functioning, social activities, or relationships.

A younger child with OCD may have persistent thoughts that harm will occur to himself or a family member, for example an intruder entering an unlocked door or window. The child may compulsively check all the doors and windows of his home after his parents are asleep in an attempt to relieve anxiety. The child may then fear that he may have accidentally unlocked a door or window while last checking and locking, and then must compulsively check over and over again.

An older child or a teenager with OCD may fear that he will become ill with germs, AIDS, or contaminated food. To cope with his/her feelings, a child may develop "rituals" (a behavior or activity that gets repeated). Sometimes the obsession and compulsion are linked; "I fear this bad thing will happen if I stop checking or hand washing, so I can't stop even if it doesn't make any sense."

If you need more info on OCD and its treatment, just let me know. I’m out of time for now.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Is he depressed or extremely manipulative or a combination of both?

"My 14 (almost 15) yr. old son is dating a 17 yr. girl. Just about the time he started seeing her, my almost 17 yr. son came to me because he felt his brother was showing signs of depression. The oldest son is very mature, kind, very religious, and sensitive towards others, particularly his brothers. He showed me how to access his brother's instant messaging e-mails. I was then able to get into my son's head (he's not very talkative) and find out what is going on with his girlfriend because I had some concerns about their relationship. Also in his e-mails, he told his friends that he was very sad but didn't know why and that he doesn't believe in God. I kept on eye on it and didn't see anything more in the e-mail about him being sad nor did I notice him looking down until I grounded him. The younger one has had his moments of bad moods over the years, and with the combination of hormones and having a girlfriend in the picture, I decided to monitor it....."

==> Continue...

My son gets straight F's across the board...

Hi Mark,

The things that I’ve read about kids and school are great when the kids are trying or want to try, what if they refuse to do anything in school? My son gets straight F's across the board. No matter how hard the school seems to try he just won't do traditional schoolwork. Do you have any ideas?

Thanks,

D.

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Hi D.,

Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled Emails Form Exasperated Parents [Session #4 – Online Version].

When you get to that page, look for where it reads:

"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Should you discipline a defiant teen who is also suffering from depression?

"Thanks…finally hope at the end of the tunnel, but need some help on dealing with a son who is also depressed. Should I change anything about the program, or just try to follow the first week and see what happens?"

Click here for my response...

The adults are back in Charge!

Hi Mark,

Thanks again for your speedy reply, sorry I did not get back to you yesterday. Things have been moving fast around here in a most unexpected way.

Thank you for the advise for both our Sons.

J___, the angry child, is responding wonderfully to our new methods. No arguments, very loving and receptive. He will be thrilled with our Plans to move into the driving phase. He won't hear about them until he finishes his Project, which will end his grounding. At this point we will start anew. He has accepted our terms of use on the computer with the understanding that any abuse will result in a 3-day ban. He came home from school yesterday in a pissy mood, I would normally try to find out what was bothering him, but I just asked about his day and went on like nothing was wrong and he pulled himself out of the mood and the rest of the evening was great.

P___ on the other hand is the one not adjusting too well. Of course he is the one who after our apology, felt no apology was needed.... He was just fine with everything staying status Quo :) Sorry... Things are changing and we don't know exactly what his reactions to that are going to be. We realize we have held him back with our past parenting and that is all about to change.

We always felt that as long as they went with the flow of the family they were welcome to stay at home... We have had a change of Heart and Mind :) It is time for him to be out on his own. This talk will be coming asap and his reaction is going to provide a growing season for us all. Mike and I both are prepared for some hurt feelings that may take awhile to get passed but we now know it is for his and our benefit.

Thank you again and again...... The adults are back in Charge!

A. & M.

Online Parent Support

Gang Problem Hits Home

Elwood, Indiana—
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
From a very disturbed parent:

What’s with 9 people being killed in a week up there? Doesn’t sound like the safest place to be.

I wondered if that would make state or national news. NO, it is very crazy around here right now. Some of the shootings have been gang-related…others drug-related. There were actually six shootings in just two days last week…several of which occurred right during the day not far from my office! We have a HUGE gang problem here. A gang unit was established with the police dept last summer and just recently our probation dept. started a gang program where the court is identifying dangerous kids (gang) and putting them in this intensive program. There were about 200 threats received in the past week that some of the local schools are going to be targeted today. I’ve already had calls from parents saying they are not sending their kids to school today. The newspapers say none of the shootings are related, but there definitely were several related and have been rival gangs in retaliation for other shootings….

Any suggestions?

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Many communities have serious problems with gangs. There are many kinds of gangs, but whatever kind you community is dealing with, gangs spell trouble. They cause fear, destroy property, threaten or hurt peaceable residents, and drive out businesses.

Parents can do a lot to prevent gang problems or top reduce gag problems already in place. Most important, there’s a lot that parents like you can do to keep your own children from joining gangs:

· Join with others to make or keep your neighborhood gang free.
· Learn about gangs and signs of gang activity.
· Sharpen your skills as a parent and use them.

Young people (as young as nine or ten) join gangs for reasons that makes sense to them, if not to adults. They give reasons like these:

· for excitement
· to be with friends
· to belong to a group
· to earn money
· to get protection

Gangs leave signs of their presence. Your child may adopt some of those signs as either a gang member or an imitator:

· gang symbols on walls as graffiti or on books or clothing

· major and negative behavior changes, such as worse grades, staying out without good reason, "hanging" with known or suspected gang members, carrying weapons, wearing certain kinds and colors of clothing in very specific ways, and possessing unexplained relatively large sums of money

· special hand signals

· specific colors or emblems

Many gang members say they joined because the gang offered them support, caring, and a sense of order and purpose - al the things that most parents try to give their kids. The odds are that the better you meet these needs, the less need you children will see for gangs.

Here are some parenting skills that are especially important:

·Do everything possible to involve your children in supervised, positive group activities

·Do everything possible to prevent dropping out

·Help your kids identify positive role models and heroes - especially people right in your community

·Know what your children are doing and whom they are with. Know about their friends and their friends’ families

·Praise them for doing well and encourage them to do their very best - to stretch their skills to the utmost

·Put a high value on education and help your child to do his or her best in school

·Talk with listen to your child. Spend some special time with each child

Don’t forget to talk about gangs. The best time is before there’s a major problem.

Tell your child that:

· family members don’t keep secrets from each other
· you an other parents are working together against gangs
· you disapprove of gangs
· you don’t want to see your child hurt or arrested
· you see your child as special, and worth protecting
· you want to help your child with problems

Everyone (except gang members) wants a gang-free community. Parents stand to lose the most -- the well-being or even the life of a child -- if gangs take or keep hold. But gangs are often violent and intimidating.

What can you do in the face of this?

· Develop positive alternatives. Are there after-school and weekend activities kids can enjoy? Can the school offer its facilities? Can parents organize clubs or sports? Can older kids tutor or mentor younger ones? Can the kids themselves help with ideas?

· Get organized against the gang organization. Use your neighborhood association or a new group. Get help from a variety of sources right in you community. Try these kinds of people in addition to the police, priest or minister, family counselor, community association, school counselor or principal, athletic coach, Boys & Girls Clubs, YMCA / YWCA, Scouts, drug abuse prevention groups, youth-serving agencies, and community centers - just to name a few.

· Talk with other parents. For one thing, you’ll find out what everyone else’s parent really said. For another, you can support each other and share knowledge that will help spot problems sooner than you can on your own.

· Work with police and other agencies. Report suspicious activity, set up a Neighborhood Watch or a community patrol; let the police know about gang graffiti, get (and share with other parents) the facts on the gang problem in your community, find out what local services - nonprofit as well as government - will work with communities against gangs.

Online Parent Support

Behavior Problems at School

Recently my husband and I started your program. We started the program because of the problem of constant In School Suspension for my 13 yr old son. He is defiant. His last time in ISS was because of chewing gum in Music class. He was told to spit it out and then was later seen with gum again. He spent 3 days in ISS. Yesterday he somehow exploded his milk at lunch and wet himself and his food. This resulted in him loosing lunch, it was not replaced at school, and the school gave him one week in the back of the lunchroom by himself. 2-3 hours later my husband was able to take him dry clothes. I try very hard to support the school in order to show my son my support for their decisions. However, I find some of the consequences from the school as excessive. Am I wrong and just being over protective? What sort of punishment should I do at home for his trouble in school? The school is threatening to send him to a behavior school that even they think may do more harm than good. He was in 1/2 day ISS today for arguing with his teacher about a complete sentence. What can I do? ~ J.

Click here for my response...