I've been using this program for about 4 weeks now. My 9yo DD is doing her chores with out much complaint. However she is escalating her behavior in other ways. She has broken about 5-6 things in the past month. At the rate she is going she should get her allowance back when she’s 16. Tonight she gave our poor dog a hair cut. He looks awful. She has been grounded most of the last 3 weeks. I give her lots of positive attention. We eat dinner together almost every night. I spend probably 10-15 minutes talking to her after school. She is a straight A student. For the most part she does what she’s asked to she just also does a lot of stuff she knows she’s not allowed to. She really doesn't seem to mind the consequences. How long does it take before it starts to work? Any ideas on consequences she might really hate?
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I find that when a parent is still experiencing difficulty after 4 weeks, she/he has missed a couple important pieces.
Let's trouble shoot...
Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure." For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.
Referring to the Online Version of the eBook:
1. Are you asking your daughter at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in her life?
2. Are you saying to her "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?
4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?
5. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?
6. Do you catch her in the act of doing something right at least once each day?
7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?
8. Do you give her at least one chore each day?
9. Do you find something fun to do with her each week?
10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up?
11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my daughter, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
12. Is she EARNING ALL of her stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?
13. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?
14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”
15. Are you using the Fair Fighting Strategy?
16. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?
If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.
I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.
HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).
The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teenage Tantrums and Destruction of Property
"Dear Mark, my strong-willed daughter seems to have a real hard time adjusting to the fact that if she chooses to leave the house during the 3 day grounding, the 3 days start over. On her second day of grounding she had a half-day of school but instead of coming home she went out with friends. When she came home I informed her that her three days would start over because she chose not to come right home from school. She had a HUGE fit - and preceded to trash the whole house.
She left but came back two hours later and proceeded to continue her tantrum (turning on every light in the house, demanding that I give her stuff back NOW, hitting, and throwing stuff at me). I told her if she did not stop I would call the police. Well needless to say I had to call the police and had her charged with disorderly conduct and property damage. My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me? During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served."
She left but came back two hours later and proceeded to continue her tantrum (turning on every light in the house, demanding that I give her stuff back NOW, hitting, and throwing stuff at me). I told her if she did not stop I would call the police. Well needless to say I had to call the police and had her charged with disorderly conduct and property damage. My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me? During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served."
First of all, I want to say GREAT JOB! You are a good example of the type of parent I can enjoy working with, because you are working the program as intended. And I know it was tough for you to call the cops on your daughter.
Re: My question is who should clean up the mess. Should I make her do it, hire a maid, or just do it myself and make her pay me?
Since she already received a consequence in the form of legal ramifications that she will have to answer to eventually, I wouldn’t heap on another consequence by insisting she clean up. If she hadn’t had the cops called on her and been charged – it would be a different story.
Re: During her fit I started taking things away. Does the three days start over again from the time she came home from the police station and do I keep her stuff until the three days are served?
Again, she’s already had a consequence. Of course the wheels of justice turn slowly though, so she will not feel the total impact of the consequence for some time.
Issue the following warning: “In the future, when you have a 3-day-discipline and you choose to break the law by throwing things at me and tearing up the house, you’ll choose the consequence – I will call the police again AND go to Juvenile Probation to file a complaint. Then you can answer to the Judge. Your choice!”
In the event she has another similar temper tantrum, follow through with your stated consequence.
I’m glad the tail is not wagging the dog in your house anymore.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents
We have good days and not so good days...
Hey Mark,
We have been plugging along since M got out of the youth home 1/3/08. He is in intensive probation and meets with PO every week either @ school or @ our home. Also can't to go to counseling once per week. He is supposed to meet with the referee once per month also--more like every 6 wks though. He does have a court date May 6 for the fighting incident (btw, was charged with "robbery armed" since one on the boys picked up money off the ground that belonged to someone else. We decided to obtain the services of an atty for this, as we are fine with "assault with a weapon" or similar, but not robbery armed, which also is not dropped when an adult. This is his last assistance, as he was 16 at the time--[now 17 and considered an adult in MI] and we can feel good knowing we gave him every opportunity to try to turn his life around). He has not missed school (was late 2x I believe about 10minutes) and is now pulling 5 A's and 1 B+. Has a girlfriend that we like well enough, still has a job, and is usually home on time (if late usually less than 10 minutes). As you know and have taught us, we have good days/weeks and not so good days/weeks.
We have taken away his cell phone, computer, use of the car for misuse of these. This is when he still tries to bully us/swear/negotiate/threaten etc. but for the most part we have been very firm. He did sign a "contract" for both the phone and car use.
What I need help with though are the "get to it later" stuff and the not so major stuff. Examples:
1) swearing--I am getting VERY tired of the "F______ B____" used when he gets angry and now any profanity mixed in conversation. I would say this is increasing since we have not been reacting to it. We have a 10yr old and his friends over and this is NOT appropriate. I need some idea(s) of consequences for this.
2) having the girlfriend in the bedroom. Usually under blanket cuddling and tries to have lights out. I have come straight out and told them it is not appropriate/respectful and is uncomfortable for those around. (btw--20 yr old brother has his g'friend in room but usually not on the bed together and NEVER covered up, etc.)
3) eats in bedroom, cooks and leaves stuff everywhere,
4) very slipshod on chores
5) starting to NOT call when he gets somewhere like we've asked (he usually is where he is supposed to be but it is a safety issue)
6) joining us for some family time
Any ideas on consequences/motivators would be great.
Also, fyi--his "best friend" that he makes bad decisions with has been committed to a psych hospital by his Dad for 2 weeks, and last week a horrific accident claimed the life of a very close friend and 2 other friends, with the driver still in the hospital (all 4 together in the truck).
Click here for my response...
We have been plugging along since M got out of the youth home 1/3/08. He is in intensive probation and meets with PO every week either @ school or @ our home. Also can't to go to counseling once per week. He is supposed to meet with the referee once per month also--more like every 6 wks though. He does have a court date May 6 for the fighting incident (btw, was charged with "robbery armed" since one on the boys picked up money off the ground that belonged to someone else. We decided to obtain the services of an atty for this, as we are fine with "assault with a weapon" or similar, but not robbery armed, which also is not dropped when an adult. This is his last assistance, as he was 16 at the time--[now 17 and considered an adult in MI] and we can feel good knowing we gave him every opportunity to try to turn his life around). He has not missed school (was late 2x I believe about 10minutes) and is now pulling 5 A's and 1 B+. Has a girlfriend that we like well enough, still has a job, and is usually home on time (if late usually less than 10 minutes). As you know and have taught us, we have good days/weeks and not so good days/weeks.
We have taken away his cell phone, computer, use of the car for misuse of these. This is when he still tries to bully us/swear/negotiate/threaten etc. but for the most part we have been very firm. He did sign a "contract" for both the phone and car use.
What I need help with though are the "get to it later" stuff and the not so major stuff. Examples:
1) swearing--I am getting VERY tired of the "F______ B____" used when he gets angry and now any profanity mixed in conversation. I would say this is increasing since we have not been reacting to it. We have a 10yr old and his friends over and this is NOT appropriate. I need some idea(s) of consequences for this.
2) having the girlfriend in the bedroom. Usually under blanket cuddling and tries to have lights out. I have come straight out and told them it is not appropriate/respectful and is uncomfortable for those around. (btw--20 yr old brother has his g'friend in room but usually not on the bed together and NEVER covered up, etc.)
3) eats in bedroom, cooks and leaves stuff everywhere,
4) very slipshod on chores
5) starting to NOT call when he gets somewhere like we've asked (he usually is where he is supposed to be but it is a safety issue)
6) joining us for some family time
Any ideas on consequences/motivators would be great.
Also, fyi--his "best friend" that he makes bad decisions with has been committed to a psych hospital by his Dad for 2 weeks, and last week a horrific accident claimed the life of a very close friend and 2 other friends, with the driver still in the hospital (all 4 together in the truck).
Click here for my response...
Teenage Son Refuses To Go On Vacation With The Family
Click here for my response...
We have been ignoring behavours for 5 weeks now and still he persists!!!
Hi Mark,
I wanted to thank you for the programme that you have set out and the positive results we are having. I am finding that the "make them earn everything" is working very well. In the assignment for session 4 you recommend ignoring bad behaviours etc. Our child has always been one to want attention any way he can get it. I guess he has been getting it for negative reasons in the past. We have been ignoring these behaviours - the annoying, the disrespect, the swearing etc etc. Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die - the desire for the child to keep doing these behaviours lessons? We have been ignoring behavours for 5 weeks now and still he persists!!! It is like he realises he is not getting the attention he so much wants and so tries even harder to get our attention!! Some days it is very difficult to keep ignoring it!!
Our teenager also loves forming habits, which are not positive. He forms these habits very quickly and they are very hard to break. Last week he decided to start using every swear word he could think of as often as possible. It got to the point where I grounded him for a day with items removed because I could see how quickly these words would have become a habit. It's seems to have worked so far. The swearing has certainly lessened. He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions? We have been completely ignoring it. Apart from that he has only had 3 groundings in 5 weeks and we are noticing that his behaviour has improved in many areas. Thanks so much and I look forward to hearing from you.
J.
`````````````````````````
Hi J.,
Re: Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die…
As I mentioned in the audio portion of the eBook, “ignoring misbehavior” is an over-rated parenting strategy, but when it comes to siblings bickering back and forth, it is probably the best strategy. I don’t suggest ignoring disrespect or swearing however. These behaviors need a consequence as outlined in the eBook.
Re: He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions?
You are describing motor tics (i.e., quick, uncontrollable movements or vocal outbursts, but not both). About 1 to 2% of the population has chronic motor tic disorder. The condition is more common than Tourette syndrome. However, it is not as common as transient tic disorder. All types of chronic tics are believed to be forms of Tourette syndrome (e.g., excessive blinking, grimaces of the face, quick movements of the arms, legs, or other areas, sounds: grunts, throat clearing, contractions of the abdomen or diaphragm).
People can hold off these symptoms for a short period of time, but they feel a sense of relief when they carry out these movements.
The doctor can usually diagnose a tic during a physical examination. Tests are generally not needed. To be diagnosed with the disorder, one must have had the tics nearly every day for more than a year, and one has not had a tic-free period longer than 3 months
Treatment depends on how bad the tics are and how the condition affects you. Medicines and psychotherapy are used only when the tics have a major impact on daily activities, such as school and job performance.
Drugs used to treat tics include dopamine blockers, such as pimozide and risperidone. However, these drugs are not always successful and can cause side effects.
Children who develop this disorder between ages 6 and 8 do very well. Symptoms may last 4 to 6 years, and then stop without treatment in early adolescence.
When the disorder begins in older children and continues into the 20s, it may become a life-long condition.
There is usually no need to see the health care provider for a tic unless it is severe or disrupts your life.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s just your son’s weird way of dealing with stress.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
I wanted to thank you for the programme that you have set out and the positive results we are having. I am finding that the "make them earn everything" is working very well. In the assignment for session 4 you recommend ignoring bad behaviours etc. Our child has always been one to want attention any way he can get it. I guess he has been getting it for negative reasons in the past. We have been ignoring these behaviours - the annoying, the disrespect, the swearing etc etc. Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die - the desire for the child to keep doing these behaviours lessons? We have been ignoring behavours for 5 weeks now and still he persists!!! It is like he realises he is not getting the attention he so much wants and so tries even harder to get our attention!! Some days it is very difficult to keep ignoring it!!
Our teenager also loves forming habits, which are not positive. He forms these habits very quickly and they are very hard to break. Last week he decided to start using every swear word he could think of as often as possible. It got to the point where I grounded him for a day with items removed because I could see how quickly these words would have become a habit. It's seems to have worked so far. The swearing has certainly lessened. He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions? We have been completely ignoring it. Apart from that he has only had 3 groundings in 5 weeks and we are noticing that his behaviour has improved in many areas. Thanks so much and I look forward to hearing from you.
J.
`````````````````````````
Hi J.,
Re: Can you help me understand how long we have to ignore these behaviours before they start to die…
As I mentioned in the audio portion of the eBook, “ignoring misbehavior” is an over-rated parenting strategy, but when it comes to siblings bickering back and forth, it is probably the best strategy. I don’t suggest ignoring disrespect or swearing however. These behaviors need a consequence as outlined in the eBook.
Re: He has this habit of making movements with his face. I took him to hypnotherapy and it did nothing to break the habit. Do you have any suggestions?
You are describing motor tics (i.e., quick, uncontrollable movements or vocal outbursts, but not both). About 1 to 2% of the population has chronic motor tic disorder. The condition is more common than Tourette syndrome. However, it is not as common as transient tic disorder. All types of chronic tics are believed to be forms of Tourette syndrome (e.g., excessive blinking, grimaces of the face, quick movements of the arms, legs, or other areas, sounds: grunts, throat clearing, contractions of the abdomen or diaphragm).
People can hold off these symptoms for a short period of time, but they feel a sense of relief when they carry out these movements.
The doctor can usually diagnose a tic during a physical examination. Tests are generally not needed. To be diagnosed with the disorder, one must have had the tics nearly every day for more than a year, and one has not had a tic-free period longer than 3 months
Treatment depends on how bad the tics are and how the condition affects you. Medicines and psychotherapy are used only when the tics have a major impact on daily activities, such as school and job performance.
Drugs used to treat tics include dopamine blockers, such as pimozide and risperidone. However, these drugs are not always successful and can cause side effects.
Children who develop this disorder between ages 6 and 8 do very well. Symptoms may last 4 to 6 years, and then stop without treatment in early adolescence.
When the disorder begins in older children and continues into the 20s, it may become a life-long condition.
There is usually no need to see the health care provider for a tic unless it is severe or disrupts your life.
Bottom line: I wouldn’t worry about it too much. It’s just your son’s weird way of dealing with stress.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Poor Academic Performance Is A Different Animal
Dear Mark................my wife and I continue to refer to your notes over and over again. We are making progress with our 14 year old son. He has been more compliant lately. My wife and I are being transformed in the process as well. We hardly ever nag about chores or homework, etc. We are less confrontational. We have been encouraging each other as well as our son. We are more graceful and listen better.
Our struggle is not yet over. Our son is in the 8th grade and his grades have dropped significantly. He received (2) Ds and (1) F on the last report card a few weeks ago. The consequences were loss of his cell phone privilege Monday - Friday afternoon and loss of privilege to have friends over or go out with friends on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. He can participate in our church teen midweek service which is mostly a fellowship activity.
Our son has accepted these consequences; however, there has been no noticeable improvement in his grades and we are holding him totally accountable. We have made it clear that we are available to help. We have told him that his poor grades are hurting him and no one else.
Yesterday, he started using the Instant Messenger feature on the internet to stay connected with his friends. I had blocked his access to the AOL instant messenger but he is now accessing it via Internet Explorer. I can remove the wireless adapter on his computer and he will not be able to access the internet if I choose to take this step. I can use the security password feature on the two other computers in the home to prevent him from accessing them if I choose to do so.
Question: We are expecting a progress report in the next few days and we do not expect much improvement. What should we do to help our son realize that his poor academic performance will only hurt him in the long run? Apparently the consequences are not changing his behavior or attitude? Apparently his ODD tendencies have created a technology contest that I prefer not to engage in.
Many thanks in advance.
J.
```````````````````
Hi J.,
Grades are kind of a different animal (as if we didn't have enough twists and turns).
Please refer to the page entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents [Online Version of the eBook -- Session #4].
On that page, scroll near the bottom and look for where it reads:
"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.
NOTE: If your teen has a history of poor academic performance, and if poor academic performance is an ongoing source of conflict, then follow the recommendation.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Our struggle is not yet over. Our son is in the 8th grade and his grades have dropped significantly. He received (2) Ds and (1) F on the last report card a few weeks ago. The consequences were loss of his cell phone privilege Monday - Friday afternoon and loss of privilege to have friends over or go out with friends on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday evenings. He can participate in our church teen midweek service which is mostly a fellowship activity.
Our son has accepted these consequences; however, there has been no noticeable improvement in his grades and we are holding him totally accountable. We have made it clear that we are available to help. We have told him that his poor grades are hurting him and no one else.
Yesterday, he started using the Instant Messenger feature on the internet to stay connected with his friends. I had blocked his access to the AOL instant messenger but he is now accessing it via Internet Explorer. I can remove the wireless adapter on his computer and he will not be able to access the internet if I choose to take this step. I can use the security password feature on the two other computers in the home to prevent him from accessing them if I choose to do so.
Question: We are expecting a progress report in the next few days and we do not expect much improvement. What should we do to help our son realize that his poor academic performance will only hurt him in the long run? Apparently the consequences are not changing his behavior or attitude? Apparently his ODD tendencies have created a technology contest that I prefer not to engage in.
Many thanks in advance.
J.
```````````````````
Hi J.,
Grades are kind of a different animal (as if we didn't have enough twists and turns).
Please refer to the page entitled Emails From Exasperated Parents [Online Version of the eBook -- Session #4].
On that page, scroll near the bottom and look for where it reads:
"My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.
NOTE: If your teen has a history of poor academic performance, and if poor academic performance is an ongoing source of conflict, then follow the recommendation.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Child abuse rises when dad is away at war—
Mothers are twice as likely to physically hurt kids, government study finds.
Children in some Army families are vulnerable to abuse and neglect by their mothers when their fathers are away at war in Iraq and Afghanistan, a large Pentagon-funded study finds.
Mothers were three times more likely to have a substantiated report of child mistreatment when their soldier husbands were deployed than when the fathers were home, according to the research. Mothers at home were nearly four times as likely to neglect their children and nearly twice as likely to physically abuse them during deployment periods.
Army officials said the study confirms what they’ve seen at large military bases for nearly two years, overwhelmed and depressed mothers neglecting their children.
This is another recognition of the stress that families are experiencing with multiple deployments, and that shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone.
Army to hire more people to support families—
The Army recently announced it will hire more than 1,000 additional “family readiness support assistants” to help families of deployed active-duty, Army Reserve and National Guard units. The Army also recently added $8 million to its respite child care program and increased home visits to parents of young children at 13 bases with the highest rates of neglect, said Delores Johnson, the Army’s director of family programs.
The study appears in Wednesday’s Journal of the American Medical Association. Army staff reviewed the manuscript before its submission to the medical journal.
The researchers analyzed information from two large Army databases from 2001 through 2004. Since then, the pace of deployments has increased, making the findings even more important.
Only families with at least one report of child mistreatment were part of the analysis, so the findings apply only to families with some underlying risk.
The researchers found reports of abuse and neglect for nearly 3,000 individual children. The mistreatment included neglect, abandonment, physical abuse, emotional abuse and sexual abuse.
Dads at home may be more likely to get help—
Women accounted for about nine out of 10 incidents by civilian parents during deployments. For fathers at home while their soldier wives were at war, the effect of deployment on the likelihood of abuse or neglect was insignificant, suggesting men may be more likely to get help from extended family or other resources.
Overall, the study of almost 1,800 Army families worldwide found that reports of child abuse and neglect were 42 percent higher during times when the soldier-parent, regardless of gender, was deployed.
Experts cautioned that situations not generally considered neglect by most city child welfare workers would be called neglect by Army social workers. Robichaux, a former Houston child welfare worker, said Army families tend to get help sooner than civilian families.
Two previous studies have found increasing rates of child neglect in Army families between 2001 and 2004, and increasing rates of child mistreatment in Texas military families during a time of large-scale deployments.
The new study was hailed by a researcher involved in the Texas study. It is important, especially given the current military and political situation in which deployment occurs more frequently and deployments can be longer.
Stacy Bannerman, a member of the anti-war group Military Families Speak Out and the wife of a National Guardsman who fought in Iraq, said she’s seen mothers neglect their children while their husbands are in Iraq.
Online Parent Support
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