When Your Teen Makes False Claims That You Are Abusive

"My out of control teen has a set of grandparents and a family that she has convinced I am completely abusive to her. I have been turned into the authorities four times now from false allegations and have a meeting for a 'home visit' tomorrow with the latest investigation case worker. My daughter wants to go live with the grandparents and will do whatever it takes to get removed from my care.

My concern is a co-worker I know has a similar situation. Her son turned his mom in making abuse allegations. They didn't 'stick' so the second time he turned her in for alleged abuse he made marks on his body and called saying his mom was abusing him. It stuck that time and his mom, who wouldn't hurt a flea, is now on probation for 17 months for the abuse allegations.

When do I throw in the towel? I am very worried this is going to go the same way for me.......not if but when."

Click here for my response...

COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I am Interested in the original posts questions..when do we throw in the towel..and I decided the next time my daughter pulls this is when...and then ill get stuck probably owing child support for her!!! outrageous!
•    Anonymous said… I had no idea so many people go through this! soo glad I found this page!
•    Anonymous said… I have a 16 year old daughter that is totally defiant as far as following rules. I have just a few rules to follow. Once a week she cleans her room,stay brings dishes daily, take out the garbage daily, once a week vacuum the living room rug or sweep mop the kitchen floor once a week. The other is curfew. She basically refuses to do anything she doesn't feel like doing and gets angry when we remind her. We have lived in my mother's house as my mother could not support herself after my father died. So my mother has helped my husband and me in raising my daughter. At 13 years old when she started hanging out with one 15 year old school friend the defiance started. She started drinking alcohol, smoking pot, popping pills. I had to take her to a Behavior Center as she stated she wanted to hurt herself. I thought she was trying to manipulate us but could take that chance. She started to get better. But this summer when she turned 16 years old everything started to hit the fan. She wants to stay out with her friends that are about 2 years older 1-2 hours past curfew. She says her room is her room and she can keep it anyways she wants. She shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want. She has temper outbursts throwing and hitting things. Today she threw 2 yogurt container, one at the wall and the ceiling the other on the floor. I called the police. They can't do anything. She even as told the police I leave her to watch my mother who has dementia. Try to make me out to be the bad person. She continues to badger me to agree with her stating that I don't listen but will not listen to anything I say. I am a rotten mother, so not know how to be a mother etc. I am moving out on my mother's house to try to my sanity, she refuses to come with because her friends are here. I told her she can not stay with my mother as they are always at each others throats. She says she is not going to move. I have decided today that at curfew time the doors will be locked if she not home she needs to find which friend house to stay at. I have turned off her phone and will take internet access away. She will receive basic needs from me (necessary) clothes, food and transportation to/from school. Am I wrong with my actions?
•    Anonymous said… I haven't been thru this part of the process yet, but have been thru a lot with my oldest, and have had CPS involved due to some of his wonderful behaviors and choices. I had a worker sitting on my couch right next to me, tell me that she had to talk to her supervisor to know what to do next, because they are all trained to protect the child from parental abuse, but have no idea how to handle it when its the child that's the abuser. I wonder how many situations it will take, how many families will have to go thru the things this group is posting about, and the many that don't post, before the system catches on that new training needs to happen, new things and procedures need to be learned. It's sad that this is so rampant, that so many parents are at a loss and overwhelmed, and if and when they do finally react due to being at wits end, then they really are looked at as the one with the problem and the bad guy. Praying for all of you, because I understand many of the emotions that are running thru you and above all, the hurt and frustration, God bless you mamas, keep doing the best you can!
•    Anonymous said… I know for me..I live in hell with my 15 year old daughter. because of this I dont even want to speak to her or be around her for MY protection against any kind of accusations she could make. I feel I need protected because if you discipline them or heaveb forbid tell them no, they call the cops and always use the abuse card!!! I feel im the one who needs protection! I reallllly hate this and feel trapped under the roof with someone who at anytime can lie and cause me trouble.
•    Anonymous said… My sister is going thru the same thing. Ad I sugested, she started using her phone to secretly tape conversations at home with her daughter. She almost went to jail and once the judge heard the recoedings, he sent my niece to detention for 12 days.
•    Anonymous said… omg I am going through this exact thing! I feel like I am helpless! my kid runs the show becauseTHEY have the power not us! I am so glad I found this page because I have no idea what to even do let alone wrap my mind around all this!! and im too afraid to tell anyone our business so I am just a sitting single mother duck I feel!
•    Anonymous said… This is such a disturbing and manipulative way for teen to act, I know from personal experience the child is allowed to act this way because of the grandparents who are under minding your authority the whole time !! My advice keep loving the child untill they are out of your care and allow them to fall, it's called tough love and boundaries, something unfortunately you have to teach them.

Please post your comment below…

Daughter just scoffs at parent...

Hi J.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email: ===>

Hi Mark,

We are having trouble enforcing the 3 day discipline because my daughter has yet to complete it even though I keep saying that if you break the 3 day grounding, you will have to start it from day 1. She just scoffs at it and goes out whenever she wants. This has been going on all week. What can we do so that we don't end up looking stupid because she is not taking it seriously at all.

====> Say, "If you choose to walk out on your 3-day-discipline, you'll choose the consequence, which is we will call the police and file run away charges as well as go to juvenile probation and file an incorrigibility complaint." Then if she leaves, follow through with this consequence.

The other issue is that we don't seem to be able to have a normal conversation anymore without her shouting or swearing. As an example, yesterday I asked her to fold the washed towels and put them in the linen cupboard. She refused to do it. I said that if she didn't complete that task, she would not be allowed on the computer. My husband disconnected the keyboard but she just disconnected another one from a different computer and used that. When my husband told her that she did not have permission to do that, she just yelled at him but by then she had already done what she wanted to do which was to send her friend a message.

====> If this situation occurs again, simply make sure ALL the computers are disabled.

I've tried to talk to her to find out why she is behaving this way and have told her that it is really hard to function as a family when we cannot even talk to each other in a civil manner any more. All I get back is more yelling and bad language but never any hint of a reason as to why she is behaving this way. We feel like we're walking on egg shells.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

=====> Trying to "reason with" your daughter is just another traditional parenting strategy. Simply state the house rule, then follow through with the consequence when the rule is broken.

She has also removed the door handles from her bedroom door so that we can't go in. I've told her that she is entitled to her privacy but she is not allowed to destroy property in the process. In fact, we haven't even been going to her bedroom because we've decided to give her some space in the hope that she will calm down and come to certain realisations about how her behaviour is affecting our family.

====> You are way off base here. She is NOT entitled to anything other than basic needs (e.g., clothes, food, shelter, education). Privacy does not fall into the "basic needs" category. Put the handles back on the door and tell her that if she chooses to remove them again, she'll choose the consequence, which is you will remove the entire bedroom door for a period of 3 days.

===> I can see that you are having great difficulty implementing "tough love." Also, I can tell that you are afraid of your daughter. Until you stand up to her, she will continue to be in charge.

Mark

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

She is now in the custody of DHS, and I'm afraid I won't get her back...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

My 12 year old daughter just went off the deep end and started defying, disrespecting, etc., etc. I did not know what to do, and did not turn to the internet for help. She is now in the custody of DHS, and I'm afraid I won't get her back. She has refused to talk with me or see me since she left in Sept of last year. DHS will want to decide on a permanent placement soon, and we haven't made one step toward each other this whole time. How can I convince her I've changed when she won't let me talk with her and DHS doesn't seem to be doing anything that has made a positive difference. I don't know what to do. When I saw your video, I was identifying with everything you said about my reactions to her bizarre behaviors. I am so sad, and my daughter seems to be forging a new way for herself, supported by DHS, and isn't looking back.

C. in Colorado.

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Hi C.,

You may be surprised to hear that I often get parents in my parent program who are court-ordered to attend because they got into a physical altercation with their child, or the child called the cops on the parent. Then the parent is in the unfortunate position of being investigated by a caseworker.

They go through the program, get a certificate and show the certificate to the powers that be (e.g., judge, case worker, etc.). And in most cases, they get their child back.

You can have the same result.

Join Online Parent Support. Do the four-week program. Then I'll give you a short and simple quiz to verify that you actually studied the material. Then I'll email - or mail - you a certificate of completion.

This certificate will show others that you are an invested parent who wants a fresh start with your child.

Don't delay. There's too much at stake. Your child needs you!

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My daughter stated that she does not like lacrosse...

My daughter was just recently diagnosed with ODD and today she shows up at my office and she should have been at lacrosse practice and I could tell when I said I would take her to practice that she was ready to explode. I diffused the situation but I am not sure really what to do as she quits everything she starts and I dont want her to think that is okay. My daughter stated that she does not like lacrosse, sucks at it and doesnt want to play. She only did so to please her dad who is very sports oriented and pushes her to do her best. Please advise.

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If your situation is like most parents' situation, you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about Lacrosse.

I'm sure sports is an important activity to her father, but I would say this one falls into the "pick your battles carefully" category.

Save your time and energy for the more important issues that are likely to pop-up.

You asked,

Mark
My Out-of-Control Child

This was a huge step in the right direction...

Dear Mark,

I wanted to thank-you for revising your website to better reflect the 4 sections of the program. I had asked about this a few weeks ago and was pleasantly surprised when I noticed this change today.

I wanted to let you know we have completed the first section of program and are starting on section 2. Today I had the challenge of saying no and sticking to it when my son wanted me to make an exception to a consequence he was given for skipping school = (Car is parked) and dishonesty when he told me he would take my truck to the gym, only to find out he did not go to the gym at all = (Loss of cell phone). This morning he told me he hated me and that he wished I would get into a car accident on the way home from driving him to school. I was able to apply the art of removing my myself from his comments emotionally and better yet, when he called me later to ask again if he could go to his girlfriends (because he was doing better in school and really trying) I was able to say no, and that I am proud he is doing better in school, however, I gave the reason for the continued consequence. I was ready to say, I will not argue, and didn’t have to as he said okay and then apologized for saying what he said to me this morning. I then was able to tell him that he gets angry and says those things as he has trouble expressing emotions. (I had written ALL the points down today and they were in front of me when he called.) I said we would need to work on this and that I love him very much. We ended the conversation without further problems.

You have to understand that he has been out of control for almost a year now so this was a huge step in the right direction.

I know this is just a start, but it feels so good to have some tools to use that really work. Thank-you so much and I will keep you posted.

~SS~

My Out-of-Control Teen

Is Tourette's a Behavior Problem?

Dear Sir,

My son is very hot tempered and cannot control his behaviour when he is angry or frustrated. He tends to throw things away away or kick on the wall. He always shout and always put the blame on me.

I have heard about tourette syndrome and I am not sure if his behavior is related to this problem. His father and grandfather had the same problem.

Could you pls give some information about it.

I am also interested in your book but am based in Mauritius. What is the easiest way to get access to your book?

Thanking you in advance,

M.

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Tourette's is not usually associated with the problems you are describing. Oppositional Defiant Disorder is however.

On another note, your geographical location is not a factor. This is an online program that can be accessed anywhere in the world.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

I have decided to send D___ to a boot camp...

Hi Mark-

I have not been in touch for a while. I am still working the steps of the course but I still fall short. I almost need daily reminders of what I am supposed to be doing because its so easy to get caught up in the drama- I have to step back and think Ok what have I learned! I am doing better with sticking to what I say and not getting as emotional when he is pushing me. I am taking alot of time outs. But the bad behavior and defiance still continue just as strong from him.

A few weeks ago he shoved a boy into a wall at school this resulted in a bump on this kids head- his parents called the police and are pressing assault charges. D___ was sent to alternative school. While in alternative school he got in a fight on the school bus along with some other boys and was written a ticket for disorderly conduct and assault.

I have decided to send D___ to a boot camp ...its juvenile behavior modification program. i am a nervous wreck about it - but truly don't know what else to do. I know you work with the courts in your state and was curious if you have seen or had kids go thru these programs and how you feel it works or does not work with your program.

Thanks-

S.

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Hi S.,

Boot camps work well as long as the child is involved in programming, but the "positive behavior changes" do not seem to have longevity. That is, the child returns home from boot camp, then after a two-week honeymoon period in which the parent gets the impression that the child has actually made some improvement, the child reverts back to original behavior.

Boot camps are military-style institutions for defiant and disrespectful teens who have a problem with authority. They learn discipline and structure through military exercises, and rigorous physical training.

The theory of boot camp is that a swift "kick in the ass" will turn around a child who has probably been acting out for years. But in a lot of cases, just a short-term boot camp will not be enough for a teen to turn his or her life around. Boot camps work great if they are followed by a boarding school or other longer-term program.

Privately owned boot camps seem to have a greater affect on teenagers. Surprisingly, the recidivism rate of juveniles who attend state-run boot camps has been said to be as high as 94%, while overall privately owned boot camps have a much lower rate. Boot camps can also be long term (military based boarding schools) or short boot camps (summer boot camps).

Overall, boot camps usually have a definite impact on a teen especially the defiant and disrespectful ones. However, for a lasting change to take place, a boot camp usually needs to be followed by a longer-term program such as a boarding school.

Mark

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Mark-

This is a private boot camp (not state run) and D___ is most certainly the defiant type. This camp is for a weekend only but when the child "graduates" from camp at the end of the weekend, he is placed on a 3 month probation. They are given certain expectations and if in that 3 months they are messing up I can call his assigned counselor and they will come to my house or call and see if they can turn the situation around. If D___ continues the bad behavior I can have him sent back to camp for a refresher so to speak. The cost is only 200.00 or 100.00 if court ordered and if they have to go back in the 3 month probation period its 25.00. D___ was not court ordered but when we DO go to court for his tickets I can tell the judge what I have dont to try to help D___.

My hope is this boot camp will be an eye opener for him and then along with your program working on the long term changes in the family D___ can have success in changing his life around.

I have had a great deal of frustration lately that so many kids are falling thru the cracks. There just seems to be very little resources for parents in my area that have troubled kids. I am frustrated with summer coming and nothing for them to do that is positive to keep them out of trouble that parents can afford. I am seriosly thinking of approaching the police department or city or schools or all the above in my city to see if we can get some sort of program together that provides activities for kids -volunteer work - swimming whatever to help them belong to something good.

Parents like me that have to be at work have no way to get kids to and from stuff during the day and no money so I am hoping to maybe get volunteers to provide transportation.

I am just in the beginning stages of the idea. I dont know who/where/how/whats but I am growing a passion for it. I thought maybe a website too so programs (like yours) could possibly be referenced as resources for parents. Any thoughts or suggestions? All I know is it took 10 yrs to even find you or any thing like what you offer ..there are just too many people that dont know what to do where to go and we are losing the kids.

THANKS!

S.

My Out-of-Control Teen