Mark,
HELP!! My daughter, aged 15, causes extreme stress on our family every morning. She refuses to get out of bed to go to school. I wake her at 6:00am, again at 6:15 and again at 6:30. She slowly wakes up, then begins to scream and cuss at me for waking him up. I tell her I am just waking her up to get ready for school …she continues to yell obscenities at me for waking her up. We are late to school almost every day. I am a complete nervous wreck by the time we leave the house. Today, she flat-out refused to go to school and stayed in the car sleeping. I finally just went to work and left her in the car. She awoke at noon and continued to verbally abuse me because she was hungry and was angry at me for waking her up. I just don't know what to do any more.
T.
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Hi T.,
Teens can behave in this manner for a variety of reasons. Your daughter may display a mood disorder …she may display what is called a conduct disorder (i.e., a serious personality disorder) …or she may have some learning disorder, now culminating in school refusal after years of struggling with school and developing a negative perception of school.
Whatever the reason(s) for the behavior, she is in need of help. One course to pursue is an evaluation by a mental health clinician, who can help you and him make sense of the situation and plan accordingly.
Another course, depending on where you live, is to approach the local court for assistance via what, in many jurisdictions, is called a Child In Need Of Services (CHINS) petition. This process is designed to address truancy by building in services and allowing the court to underscore the necessity to attend school and to support your authority in this regard.
Another course is to approach the school district and request an evaluation of the need for special services, in light of your daughter's response to school.
Whatever you do, put some of your energy into seeking help. Otherwise, you may likely go on battling with your daughter indefinitely, with no gain.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I'm working through the grieving process...
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I've just spent the last several hours going back over lesson #1. It's as though you've been in my house and in my head and in my heart. This is the first time I've ever felt that anyone really understood our daily struggle. Our son has been difficult since he was born. This is not "adolescence". I'm very much a can-do, problem-solver person and, as you've helped me see, I need to let go of that. I'm working through the grieving process, mourning the lost dreams of the child I will never have …same for getting through the shame and guilt and embarrassment. I'm nowhere close on these things. I hope desperately that I can figure out how to get there because this emotional roller coaster is hell.
I'm sure I'll write again. Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don't deserve this and it's not my fault.
Thanks again,
C.
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Hi C.,
I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to take fewer burdens upon yourself as well as coming to the realization that your son's behavior is NOT a reflection on your parenting ability.
Appropriate parenting can be ineffective.
Why?
Because your child, by one of the laws of the universe, can CHOOSE to follow your good guidance and influence - or he can CHOOSE to reject it. This doesn't mean you failed as a parent. It does mean, however, that you son is a work in progress and has a lot of growing up to do. He will "arrive" when the timing is right - and not a minute sooner.
Mark
Online Parent Support
I'm sure I'll write again. Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don't deserve this and it's not my fault.
Thanks again,
C.
``````````````````````````````````````
Hi C.,
I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to take fewer burdens upon yourself as well as coming to the realization that your son's behavior is NOT a reflection on your parenting ability.
Appropriate parenting can be ineffective.
Why?
Because your child, by one of the laws of the universe, can CHOOSE to follow your good guidance and influence - or he can CHOOSE to reject it. This doesn't mean you failed as a parent. It does mean, however, that you son is a work in progress and has a lot of growing up to do. He will "arrive" when the timing is right - and not a minute sooner.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Teen Guide to Safe Blogging
Unlike the articles we write for parents and teachers, we don’t have to give you a course in blogging basics. As a teen, you’ve probably visited your share of blogs or “spaces,” and there’s a good chance you may have your own blog. If so, congratulations. Even adults like us who have some concerns about bloggers’ safety and privacy applaud the fact that teens are increasingly taking advantage of the Internet’s great communications tools. Millions of teenagers maintain their own blogs. In fact, a study done at Georgetown University shows that more than half of all blogs are maintained by people 13-19.
So let’s talk about safety and privacy. As you know, when you’re online you’re out in public, and that’s definitely true if you have a blog that’s accessible to anyone on the Net. We don’t need to tell you that there are creeps out there who might want to jeopardize your personal safety or steal your or your family’s money. It’s just a sad fact of life on the Net. Federal law-enforcement people confirm that online predators are very interested in teen blogging. That’s why some of the blogging services have privacy features that let you control who can access your blog. And that’s what this is about - giving you control. Check with your service to see what types of restrictions you can put on your blog and use them. In most cases it is possible to communicate with your friends or your friends’ friends without having to open yourself up to the entire Internet.
One of the nice things about blogs is that you can post just about anything. But just because you can post anything doesn’t mean you should. Remember, anything you post can not only be seen by others but can easily be copied and stored. So, what you post can be held against you. Something that seems very cool right now may not seem so cool two or three years from now, when you’re sending around applications for schools or jobs. So think just a bit about your future before you post that incendiary comment or that inappropriate photo. Besides, what may seem appropriate or even funny to friends right now can be used against you when there are disagreements, breakups, etc. - in blogs, email, IMs, and even file-sharing networks.
As you know, people online are not always who they appear to be so be very careful about the type of relationship you establish or information you give to people you meet through your blog or blogs you visit. The same goes for in-person meetings. The fact is you just shouldn’t meet people in person who you only know from the Internet. They may be great but you never really know, do you? If you do, make sure you do so in a public place and bring along at least one friend – the more and bigger the better. Your school’s football team should do the job nicely. Never, ever, agree to meet someone alone. Seriously, you really need to be careful because you never really know who an online “friend” may actually be or what his or her intentions are.
You also need to be aware of your blogging service’s rules or “terms of service.” Violating them not only risks your getting kicked off the service but they’re usually there for some good reasons: to protect you, to protect others and to keep you on the correct side of the law. Most of the rules are pretty obvious - don’t send spam, don’t distribute viruses and other harmful code, don’t stalk, threaten or harass anyone and don’t turn your blog into a porn site. While everyone in America - including teen bloggers -has First Amendment rights, you still need to be careful about what you say, especially about others. Being mean to other people is not only, well, mean, it can in some circumstances be illegal if you cross certain lines.
One last thing. You may not want to share your blog with your parents, but they do have some legal rights and obligations. We recommend that you do give them the web address of your blog and it’s a very good idea to talk with them about what you’re doing and reassure them that you understand basic safety and privacy rules. Not only can that make for peace in the family, but they might learn something along the way. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something too.
Online Parent Support
So let’s talk about safety and privacy. As you know, when you’re online you’re out in public, and that’s definitely true if you have a blog that’s accessible to anyone on the Net. We don’t need to tell you that there are creeps out there who might want to jeopardize your personal safety or steal your or your family’s money. It’s just a sad fact of life on the Net. Federal law-enforcement people confirm that online predators are very interested in teen blogging. That’s why some of the blogging services have privacy features that let you control who can access your blog. And that’s what this is about - giving you control. Check with your service to see what types of restrictions you can put on your blog and use them. In most cases it is possible to communicate with your friends or your friends’ friends without having to open yourself up to the entire Internet.
One of the nice things about blogs is that you can post just about anything. But just because you can post anything doesn’t mean you should. Remember, anything you post can not only be seen by others but can easily be copied and stored. So, what you post can be held against you. Something that seems very cool right now may not seem so cool two or three years from now, when you’re sending around applications for schools or jobs. So think just a bit about your future before you post that incendiary comment or that inappropriate photo. Besides, what may seem appropriate or even funny to friends right now can be used against you when there are disagreements, breakups, etc. - in blogs, email, IMs, and even file-sharing networks.
As you know, people online are not always who they appear to be so be very careful about the type of relationship you establish or information you give to people you meet through your blog or blogs you visit. The same goes for in-person meetings. The fact is you just shouldn’t meet people in person who you only know from the Internet. They may be great but you never really know, do you? If you do, make sure you do so in a public place and bring along at least one friend – the more and bigger the better. Your school’s football team should do the job nicely. Never, ever, agree to meet someone alone. Seriously, you really need to be careful because you never really know who an online “friend” may actually be or what his or her intentions are.
You also need to be aware of your blogging service’s rules or “terms of service.” Violating them not only risks your getting kicked off the service but they’re usually there for some good reasons: to protect you, to protect others and to keep you on the correct side of the law. Most of the rules are pretty obvious - don’t send spam, don’t distribute viruses and other harmful code, don’t stalk, threaten or harass anyone and don’t turn your blog into a porn site. While everyone in America - including teen bloggers -has First Amendment rights, you still need to be careful about what you say, especially about others. Being mean to other people is not only, well, mean, it can in some circumstances be illegal if you cross certain lines.
One last thing. You may not want to share your blog with your parents, but they do have some legal rights and obligations. We recommend that you do give them the web address of your blog and it’s a very good idea to talk with them about what you’re doing and reassure them that you understand basic safety and privacy rules. Not only can that make for peace in the family, but they might learn something along the way. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something too.
Online Parent Support
Poor Academic Performance - Part 1
Mark,
Thanks so much for your reply. I was thinking of calling you today. Your 2 assumptions are 100% correct.
The Xbox is new in our home (long story of resistance by the parents, son earned the money to purchase it). The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades (or at least effort in school) next year. By the time the XBox arrived in our home, the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year. Looking back, we should have insisted, as you suggest, that he at least spend time on school work, rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire. As it stands now, he is limited to 1 hour/day on school days and 2 hours/day on non-school days, and chores must be done first. His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes (we have no dishwasher). This part is working OK. In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores. So in that sense, he is earning his Xbox privilege. However, he has had those two chores for several years, so there is not a clear connection between them and the Xbox. They are simply his chores. They're expected and they're done. We just don't have any sort of handle on the school situation. He has an IQ of 146 and scored a 32 on the ACT as a sophomore, but doesn't give a hang about school. It's all "beneath him". Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?
[Also, it may be helpful to know that he has a "borderline" diagnosis of ADD and of ODD. His executive function skills are very poor and he also previously an LD label for dysgraphia (we think we shouldn't have allowed that to be de-classified.]
Thank you ever so much for all you do to help parents make it through the turbulent teen years.
Best,
C.
````````````````
Hi C.,
Re: Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?
Absolutely. Let go of ownership of your son’s poor academic performance. As long as you take responsibility for it – he won’t! Conversely, the less responsibility you take, the more he will take.
As far as your job goes, you want to do the following:
1. Let him know that his schoolwork is HIS job and that you are not going to take responsibility for it any longer.
2. If teachers attempt to recruit you as a co-teacher, tell them to call you if the issue is behavioral, otherwise it’s his problem now.
3. Ask to see report cards, but simply to show your son that you are interested in is school life – not to reprimand or take back ownership.
4. Continue to make periodic statements such as “you’ve got what it takes” …“I know you’re more than capable” …etc.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Thanks so much for your reply. I was thinking of calling you today. Your 2 assumptions are 100% correct.
The Xbox is new in our home (long story of resistance by the parents, son earned the money to purchase it). The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades (or at least effort in school) next year. By the time the XBox arrived in our home, the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year. Looking back, we should have insisted, as you suggest, that he at least spend time on school work, rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire. As it stands now, he is limited to 1 hour/day on school days and 2 hours/day on non-school days, and chores must be done first. His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes (we have no dishwasher). This part is working OK. In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores. So in that sense, he is earning his Xbox privilege. However, he has had those two chores for several years, so there is not a clear connection between them and the Xbox. They are simply his chores. They're expected and they're done. We just don't have any sort of handle on the school situation. He has an IQ of 146 and scored a 32 on the ACT as a sophomore, but doesn't give a hang about school. It's all "beneath him". Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?
[Also, it may be helpful to know that he has a "borderline" diagnosis of ADD and of ODD. His executive function skills are very poor and he also previously an LD label for dysgraphia (we think we shouldn't have allowed that to be de-classified.]
Thank you ever so much for all you do to help parents make it through the turbulent teen years.
Best,
C.
````````````````
Hi C.,
Re: Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?
Absolutely. Let go of ownership of your son’s poor academic performance. As long as you take responsibility for it – he won’t! Conversely, the less responsibility you take, the more he will take.
As far as your job goes, you want to do the following:
1. Let him know that his schoolwork is HIS job and that you are not going to take responsibility for it any longer.
2. If teachers attempt to recruit you as a co-teacher, tell them to call you if the issue is behavioral, otherwise it’s his problem now.
3. Ask to see report cards, but simply to show your son that you are interested in is school life – not to reprimand or take back ownership.
4. Continue to make periodic statements such as “you’ve got what it takes” …“I know you’re more than capable” …etc.
Mark
Online Parent Support
Poor Academic Performance - Part 2
Mark,
I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?
C.
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Hi C.,
First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself.
Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook.
The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?
C.
`````````````````````````````````
Hi C.,
First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself.
Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook.
The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this?
Hi K.,
Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==>
On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote:
Hello.
I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years.
I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these.
==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site
When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook.
Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me, and that, like so many other things I have tried, this too will fail.
==> Yes it is very possible. However, a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.
I can't fail again when it comes to regaining control. I'm at my wit's end. More days than not, I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with. But I don't. I love her and keep trying every day to work with her. I'm a stay-at-home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day. It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I'm doing it all wrong when he can't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her! So, please, if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program, tell me now so I can try to find another alternative.
==> I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area. You can then explain to your children which one of you will have the final word in each situation. If disagreements occur (as they inevitably will) you can discuss them in private. In front of your children, however, it will be clear who has the final word.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
Please look for the arrows throughout your email: ==>
On Tue, May 13, 2008 at 6:57 AM, K___ wrote:
Hello.
I purchased your e-book this morning and am excited to hopefully have found the tools I need to get back in control of my home, which has revolved around my oldest daughter, now 13, for years.
I'm not sure where to find the videos on the online version you reference in your email. Please tell me where I can find these.
==> Here's the link back to your original download site: My Out-of-Control Teen: eBook Download Site
When you get to that page, click where it reads Click Here to access the Online Version of the eBook.
Also, is it possible for this program to work when only one parent in the home is committed to this? My husband firmly believes this program is allowing her too much leniency. He has said he will take a completely "hands off" attitude with Amanda (our daughter) and allow me to try this program, but I am afraid his negative attitude towards it will only give her ammunition to use against me, and that, like so many other things I have tried, this too will fail.
==> Yes it is very possible. However, a weaker plan support by both parents is much better than a stronger plan supported by only one parent.
I can't fail again when it comes to regaining control. I'm at my wit's end. More days than not, I find myself wishing I could just run away and leave her for her dad to deal with. But I don't. I love her and keep trying every day to work with her. I'm a stay-at-home mom and her dad works 12 hour days and only sees her a few minutes a day. It is so frustrating to be told day in and day out that I'm doing it all wrong when he can't even deal with her the little bit of time he spends with her! So, please, if it is going to require BOTH me and her dad to work this program, tell me now so I can try to find another alternative.
==> I would also suggest that you and your husband divide up areas of responsibility and agree beforehand which one of you will have the final word in each particular area. You can then explain to your children which one of you will have the final word in each situation. If disagreements occur (as they inevitably will) you can discuss them in private. In front of your children, however, it will be clear who has the final word.
Mark
My Out-of-Control Teen
My Daughter Is Refusing To Go To School
I went to the school and met with counselors, teachers, administrator etc and they have been very generous by sending home all of her work to complete at home -- just to finish out the month of May and get her credits. This is a wonderful generous offer from the school and now she will not have to attend school except to take tests. So when I (awakended) her and presented her with the good news of permission to finish the next three weeks on her own, she mumbled something and managed to get out of bed.
==> JOIN Online Parent Support
I told her she could come up with her own plan of study by making a daily schedule to follow. (she thrives on structure; but she wants to make her schedule so I gave her that choice so she could feel that she had some control of the home study. (She has a time limit on making up work placed by the school....so time is of the essence) When I returned to the living room she was in front of the TV and I reminded her that she needed to be productive and get busy, and she said "not now" and kept watching TV. I told her she had to turn off the TV and get started with her school work, even if just planning her study sessions. She said, "I can start tomorrow" and ignored me. Well, I don't think she should be the one to decide "when" to start school with her being so behind. I got the TV control and blocked all TV watching with parental controls. She said "fine, I'll just sleep then" and went to bed again and has been asleep ever since.
I have already taken away her cell phone and computer too .......from past episodes of disobedience or defiance. She doesn't care about her friends, so she says I can ground her for life or whatever, because she does not care. She has been sleeping for days and days until I had her hospitalized last week. She came home from the hospital with a new attitude. I was ecstatic. But come Monday morning, we're back in the bed....ignoring all responsibilites etc. This is her way of rebelling against my authority and ignoring my instructions. I have quit nagging, I promise. So now she just lays there. I am a single parent and the only authority figure in the home. I do I get her engaged into her own life again. K.
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Hi K.,
First of all, I would caution you NOT to rush things. Please only do one session a week.
Having said that, school refusal, school avoidance, or school phobia, are terms used to describe the signs or anxiety a school-aged child has and his/her refusal to go to school. School refusal can be seen in three different types of situations, including the following:
· Distress
The final type of school refusal is seen in children who are truly distressed about leaving their parent and going to school. Usually, these children enjoy school but are too anxious about leaving their parents to attend.
· Fear
Older children may have school phobia based on a real fear of something that may happen to them at school, such as a bully or a teacher being rude. In this situation, it is important to talk with your child to determine what is causing his/her fears.
· Young children going to school for the first time
This is a normal type of school refusal. This develops with a child's normal separation anxiety, or uneasiness about leaving a parent figure. This type of fear usually goes away within a few days of the child attending school.
Since every child is unique, each situation will be handled on an individual basis. The following are some of the interventions that may be used to help your daughter:
· A referral to a child psychologist or psychiatrist may be necessary.
· Allow the child to speak and talk about her concerns and fears.
· Consider family counseling if other problems exist.
· Return the child to school. Make sure the school officials understand the situation and do not send the child home for the wrong reasons.
· Slowly separating the parent from the child in school may also be used. One approach is to have the parent sit with the child in the classroom at first, and then the parent may attend school, but sit in another room. Next, the parent may continue to get farther away.
Alternatively, you may want to consider an alternative school. Although you may be hard-pressed to document why your daughter needs to be in the alternative school now (as opposed to staying on the waiting list), I suggest that you request a core evaluation for her as guaranteed by federal law for any public school child who may have learning disabilities or special needs that warrant an alternative and/or specialized educational plan.
In your daughter's case, if you can provide convincing psychiatric documentation that she cannot be educated in this school system due to the stress she experiences, you may be able to have her placed in the alternative school as a result of her condition being deemed an educational special need. Get a therapist who has experience advocating for kids in this situation -- his testimony and reputation will play a major role in this plan.
Mark Hutten, M.A.
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