I am already seeing a change...

Mark Hutten,

You completely rock!! I am only on Week #1, and I am already seeing a change.

I am so impressed with your web site. I keep finding more and more good, helpful stuff!

Thank you and your staff so much! May God bless you and you help us one child at a time to stop the insanity of out of control kids.

~ociana

Online Parent Support

RE: "Is he lacking some sensitivity/awareness skills (brain cells)..."

Hi C.,

Please look for these arrows throughout your email below: == >

Mark,

Perhaps the answers to these are in future lessons in the course. If so, please point the way. If not, I'd be grateful for your insights....

1) Is my child being a jerk or does he really not know how to read situations and respond appropriately? Is he lacking some sensitivity/awareness skills (brain cells) that tell would otherwise clue him in that he's being completely out of line?

==> Children with “Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies” do have great trouble empathizing (i.e., putting themselves in some else’s shoes; understanding how others may be hurt or inconvenienced).

==> JOIN Online Parent Support 

Is he manipulating us or is he really not (yet) capable of assessing situations and behaving appropriately? I never know whether he's "yanking my chain" or whether he really is somehow incapable of "getting it."

==> Both. He’s not sure what you want (yet), but he knows what he wants – so he tries to manipulate you into getting what he wants.

2) Can/should we expect an apology for hurtful (disrespectful, aggressive) behavior? Or is the consequence (in this case, our refusal to take him to his tennis lesson) "enough"?

== > A consequence is enough!

3) I am having a physical reaction to being in (or anticipating being in) my son's presence. I feel tense/fearful, often have "butterflies" in my stomach, and am always on the verge of tears. What should I do? Get counseling? Avoid him? Something else?

== > Get counseling? Maybe. Avoid him? Yes, whenever you feel like you cannot (a) show a lack of emotion when things are going wrong, (b) put on your poker face, or (c) avoid reacting to his button pushing.

4) We are working through your online course/e-book. Is the whole solution in our approach to our son?

== > Most definitely.

Or is there some therapy work he should be doing as well?

== > Therapy is just another traditional parenting strategy that has little - if no - positive effect, and in some cases it makes a bad problem worse.

It feels very one-sided at this point. Should he not work on recognizing how destructive his behavior is to our relationship? Should he not get help learning to get a handle on his behavior?

== > This is where the consequences that you issue come onto play. This is covered in Sessions 2 and 3 [online version of the eBook]. Don't try to "reason with" your son. Simply issue the consequences as needed.

Mark

==> JOIN Online Parent Support

School Refusal

Mark,

HELP!! My daughter, aged 15, causes extreme stress on our family every morning. She refuses to get out of bed to go to school. I wake her at 6:00am, again at 6:15 and again at 6:30. She slowly wakes up, then begins to scream and cuss at me for waking him up. I tell her I am just waking her up to get ready for school …she continues to yell obscenities at me for waking her up. We are late to school almost every day. I am a complete nervous wreck by the time we leave the house. Today, she flat-out refused to go to school and stayed in the car sleeping. I finally just went to work and left her in the car. She awoke at noon and continued to verbally abuse me because she was hungry and was angry at me for waking her up. I just don't know what to do any more.

T.

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Hi T.,


Teens can behave in this manner for a variety of reasons. Your daughter may display a mood disorder …she may display what is called a conduct disorder (i.e., a serious personality disorder) …or she may have some learning disorder, now culminating in school refusal after years of struggling with school and developing a negative perception of school.

Whatever the reason(s) for the behavior, she is in need of help. One course to pursue is an evaluation by a mental health clinician, who can help you and him make sense of the situation and plan accordingly.

Another course, depending on where you live, is to approach the local court for assistance via what, in many jurisdictions, is called a Child In Need Of Services (CHINS) petition. This process is designed to address truancy by building in services and allowing the court to underscore the necessity to attend school and to support your authority in this regard.

Another course is to approach the school district and request an evaluation of the need for special services, in light of your daughter's response to school.

Whatever you do, put some of your energy into seeking help. Otherwise, you may likely go on battling with your daughter indefinitely, with no gain.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I'm working through the grieving process...

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I've just spent the last several hours going back over lesson #1. It's as though you've been in my house and in my head and in my heart. This is the first time I've ever felt that anyone really understood our daily struggle. Our son has been difficult since he was born. This is not "adolescence". I'm very much a can-do, problem-solver person and, as you've helped me see, I need to let go of that. I'm working through the grieving process, mourning the lost dreams of the child I will never have …same for getting through the shame and guilt and embarrassment. I'm nowhere close on these things. I hope desperately that I can figure out how to get there because this emotional roller coaster is hell.

I'm sure I'll write again. Right now things seem pretty dark but your videos and web site have at least helped me understand that I don't deserve this and it's not my fault.

Thanks again,

C.

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Hi C.,

I am glad to hear that you are giving yourself permission to take fewer burdens upon yourself as well as coming to the realization that your son's behavior is NOT a reflection on your parenting ability.

Appropriate parenting can be ineffective.

Why?

Because your child, by one of the laws of the universe, can CHOOSE to follow your good guidance and influence - or he can CHOOSE to reject it. This doesn't mean you failed as a parent. It does mean, however, that you son is a work in progress and has a lot of growing up to do. He will "arrive" when the timing is right - and not a minute sooner.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teen Guide to Safe Blogging

Unlike the articles we write for parents and teachers, we don’t have to give you a course in blogging basics. As a teen, you’ve probably visited your share of blogs or “spaces,” and there’s a good chance you may have your own blog. If so, congratulations. Even adults like us who have some concerns about bloggers’ safety and privacy applaud the fact that teens are increasingly taking advantage of the Internet’s great communications tools. Millions of teenagers maintain their own blogs. In fact, a study done at Georgetown University shows that more than half of all blogs are maintained by people 13-19.

So let’s talk about safety and privacy. As you know, when you’re online you’re out in public, and that’s definitely true if you have a blog that’s accessible to anyone on the Net. We don’t need to tell you that there are creeps out there who might want to jeopardize your personal safety or steal your or your family’s money. It’s just a sad fact of life on the Net. Federal law-enforcement people confirm that online predators are very interested in teen blogging. That’s why some of the blogging services have privacy features that let you control who can access your blog. And that’s what this is about - giving you control. Check with your service to see what types of restrictions you can put on your blog and use them. In most cases it is possible to communicate with your friends or your friends’ friends without having to open yourself up to the entire Internet.

One of the nice things about blogs is that you can post just about anything. But just because you can post anything doesn’t mean you should. Remember, anything you post can not only be seen by others but can easily be copied and stored. So, what you post can be held against you. Something that seems very cool right now may not seem so cool two or three years from now, when you’re sending around applications for schools or jobs. So think just a bit about your future before you post that incendiary comment or that inappropriate photo. Besides, what may seem appropriate or even funny to friends right now can be used against you when there are disagreements, breakups, etc. - in blogs, email, IMs, and even file-sharing networks.

As you know, people online are not always who they appear to be so be very careful about the type of relationship you establish or information you give to people you meet through your blog or blogs you visit. The same goes for in-person meetings. The fact is you just shouldn’t meet people in person who you only know from the Internet. They may be great but you never really know, do you? If you do, make sure you do so in a public place and bring along at least one friend – the more and bigger the better. Your school’s football team should do the job nicely. Never, ever, agree to meet someone alone. Seriously, you really need to be careful because you never really know who an online “friend” may actually be or what his or her intentions are.

You also need to be aware of your blogging service’s rules or “terms of service.” Violating them not only risks your getting kicked off the service but they’re usually there for some good reasons: to protect you, to protect others and to keep you on the correct side of the law. Most of the rules are pretty obvious - don’t send spam, don’t distribute viruses and other harmful code, don’t stalk, threaten or harass anyone and don’t turn your blog into a porn site. While everyone in America - including teen bloggers -has First Amendment rights, you still need to be careful about what you say, especially about others. Being mean to other people is not only, well, mean, it can in some circumstances be illegal if you cross certain lines.

One last thing. You may not want to share your blog with your parents, but they do have some legal rights and obligations. We recommend that you do give them the web address of your blog and it’s a very good idea to talk with them about what you’re doing and reassure them that you understand basic safety and privacy rules. Not only can that make for peace in the family, but they might learn something along the way. Who knows? Maybe you’ll learn something too.

Online Parent Support

Poor Academic Performance - Part 1

Mark,

Thanks so much for your reply. I was thinking of calling you today. Your 2 assumptions are 100% correct.

The Xbox is new in our home (long story of resistance by the parents, son earned the money to purchase it). The privilege will be tied at least in part to grades (or at least effort in school) next year. By the time the XBox arrived in our home, the grades were too far gone to be salvaged for this year. Looking back, we should have insisted, as you suggest, that he at least spend time on school work, rather than insisting that he bring his grades up - which was utterly futile and only added fuel to the fire. As it stands now, he is limited to 1 hour/day on school days and 2 hours/day on non-school days, and chores must be done first. His daily chores are to walk his dog and wash up the evening dinner dishes (we have no dishwasher). This part is working OK. In total he spends about 45 minutes per day on these chores. So in that sense, he is earning his Xbox privilege. However, he has had those two chores for several years, so there is not a clear connection between them and the Xbox. They are simply his chores. They're expected and they're done. We just don't have any sort of handle on the school situation. He has an IQ of 146 and scored a 32 on the ACT as a sophomore, but doesn't give a hang about school. It's all "beneath him". Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?

[Also, it may be helpful to know that he has a "borderline" diagnosis of ADD and of ODD. His executive function skills are very poor and he also previously an LD label for dysgraphia (we think we shouldn't have allowed that to be de-classified.]

Thank you ever so much for all you do to help parents make it through the turbulent teen years.

Best,

C.

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Hi C.,

Re: Since he is already doing chores (and he works 10-15 hours/week as a cook at Pizza Hut), does that mean we should "back off" and not be so wound up about his attitude toward school?

Absolutely. Let go of ownership of your son’s poor academic performance. As long as you take responsibility for it – he won’t! Conversely, the less responsibility you take, the more he will take.

As far as your job goes, you want to do the following:

1. Let him know that his schoolwork is HIS job and that you are not going to take responsibility for it any longer.

2. If teachers attempt to recruit you as a co-teacher, tell them to call you if the issue is behavioral, otherwise it’s his problem now.

3. Ask to see report cards, but simply to show your son that you are interested in is school life – not to reprimand or take back ownership.

4. Continue to make periodic statements such as “you’ve got what it takes” …“I know you’re more than capable” …etc.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Poor Academic Performance - Part 2

Mark,

I understand that I need to let go of micro-managing my son's academic progress (which is, predictably, poor). How do I reconcile this with allowing my son to do what he enjoys (e.g., playing XBox) when it's clear he's shirking his schoolwork responsibilities? If I'm not to be on top of his homework and grades, do I then allow him to enjoy what he wants, in spite of poor academic performance?

C.

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Hi C.,

First, what does your son do to earn Xbox privileges? Remember, ALL privileges must be earned. In this way, you are not “allowing” (i.e., a free handout of privilege) him to do anything – he is earning the privilege for himself.

Next, we don’t want to “micro-manage” schoolwork – but we don’t want to reward lack of effort either. Thus, set aside a one-hour chunk of time (e.g., 4:00 – 5:00 PM) that is either “homework time” or “chore time.” Then let your son decide what he wants to do with that hour. He can do chores or schoolwork, or some combination thereof. In the event he refuses to do either, then revert to the 3-day-discipline outlined in the eBook.

The above recommendation is based on the assumption that (a) your son has a history (i.e., at least 6 months) of “poor academic performance” and (b) “poor academic performance” is a major source of parent-child conflict.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen