My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20...

I have just completed your 4 weeks programme and trying very hard to implement all the suggestions. I wish we had come across this several months ago.

We seemed to have a happy peaceful family before Christmas, but since then things fell apart. I realise now that we have indulged our two children and that my daughter especially is used to getting her own way.

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20. She managed to see him for about 2 months before we realised. Once we found out about it, we sat down as a family and discussed it and asked her not to see him because we felt he was too old and not from our part of town, he also has a GBH tag (Has been in trouble for fighting). At first she seemed to go along with it but one day my husband found them together in bed at our home during school time. Discussions, leading to rages followed, and again asked her not to see him. The pressure built up at home and one day she ran away for a night. The police were called and a Child protection Officer came to talk to us all. We had already been in contact with him because of our concerns for our daughter.

The Child protection officer felt there needed to be compromises on both sides and suggested (as he actually knew the man) that perhaps we should let her see him as he is not considered dangerous. So we agreed she could see him, and she still is.

I feel, had we had the strategies in place before, our daughter may not have continued to see him or even gone behind our backs in the first place.

I feel there is an improvement at home now, but as we have agreed to let her see him - can I or should I try and stop it? Or is it too late and we will just have to wait and hope it fizzles out.

I would welcome your advice.

L.

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Hi L.,

One of my juvenile clients, Kaylee (17-years-old) has pretty much only dated older guys. "The guys in my own grade seem immature, and I've known them forever," she once said.

For Kaylee, dating guys a couple years older has meant having boyfriends who own cars, can afford to buy her nice things, and can take her to parties she wouldn't normally go to. It also means instant new friends — his friends.

And Kaylee's not alone. She says most of her friends have dated older guys, too. So does that mean the age gap is no biggie? Well, not necessarily. Some older guys may be more mature, more experienced, and able to drive, but they also come with more expectations, which may also mean more pressure about a lot of things, including sex. In fact, girls who date older guys are much more likely to have unintended pregnancies than those who date guys their own age. And when teenagers have sex with older partners, legal issues may come into play — but more on that later.

Age doesn't make a sleaze. But some guys do date younger girls to control them and to be idolized.

A good way to figure out an older boyfriend's motives is to look at his reputation and how he's treated past girlfriends. Is he just kind and respectful ... or is he kind and respectful and controlling? This may be hard to determine, since control isn't always as obvious as saying "do this" or "don't do that." People can be controlling in ways that are more subtle. Making partners feel like they have to choose between the relationship and family or friends is one way of being controlling. Checking up on them constantly, or trying to influence them to act, talk, or dress in certain ways are others.

Tyeria, 17, felt an ex who was three years older took the control in the relationship because she was expected to spend most of her time with his friends — he wasn't into her same-age friends. Kaylee also thought she had less control because all of her older boyfriends seemed to be cooler, and she felt pressured trying to fit in with each new, "cooler" set of friends.

A girl who's hooking up with an older guy needs to think about something else, too — the law. Each state has its own laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex. States can also have different rules depending on whether it's two girls, two guys, a girl and a guy, or even what kind of sex they are having!

People above a state's age of consent who have sex with people below a state's age of consent can be charged with statutory rape. This is true even if the younger people are willing, because the law says they aren't old enough to legally give consent. "Statutory rape" is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.

Hundreds of older men go to jail every year for having sex with younger women. It can happen in same-sex relationships, too. In one recent case in Indiana, an 18-year-old guy was sentenced to 17 years in prison for having sex with a girl who was just a few days shy of turning 15.

So should your daughter run the other way? Not necessarily. But it's a good idea for her to think things through. Who will be in control? What are her expectations? What are his? What are your risks? Could there be legal problems?

It will also be helpful for her to talk things through with someone whose opinions she can trust and value, whether it's her best friend, a sibling, you the parent, or another trusted adult.

When dating older — and for dating in general — it's best to enter the relationship with your eyes wide open.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing...

Hello, I am T___. A colleague has highly recommended your course I was wondering if you could give me some advice on how to start.

Although I feel my teen is becoming out of control I am feeling out of control myself. This morning I had a meltdown screaming at her and swearing, I am so angry with myself and I know I did more damage than good, I need to learn myself how to control how I react, I am going to sign up for the course but am wondering if I might need to counselled myself or maybe together with my daughter.

Regards,

T.

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Hi T.,

Re: ...I might need to counseled myself.

You will find a bunch of "parent's anger management" suggestions throughout the eBook.

You've come to the right place!

Mark

Online Parent Support

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me?

Hi Mark

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me? I mean he never talks nice. It is “get me this” …and “do this.”

He is 14 almost 15. He says to me that he is a teenager and that I don't understand what a teenager goes through. Little does he realize, that I have been there too!! Example: He ask me to buy him a xbox 360 yesterday and I answer him no because all he want everyday is to buy games, or whatever. And he does nothing around the house, and I mean nothing, Garbage, blue box putting his clothes away is all we ask, and he does nothing so I am fed up and I don't feel he deserves anything as he does nothing. Finally after seeing his clothes still in the basket in his room after 3 days I get pissed off and tell my husband to get on his case, But when I do that my husband has a fit and tells me that I cannot control MY KIDS, (his kids too.) Anyway my son will then do it as my husband tells him to do it. Anyway getting back to how he speaks to me. He said tome after I told him no to the game, I hate you, you are so fucking me, You are a stupid parent, and I wish you were dead.

This is how he talks everyday. What or how do I handle this? Keep him in his room indefinitely, HELP.

G.

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Hi G.,

Re: ...son's way of talking to me...

You will want to refer to the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version - Session #3] for a detailed method. But let me elaborate a bit here:

The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

How should you handle these outbursts? Parents should do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

Six rules for fighting fair—

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your teen, but you can learn how to fight fair. Adhere to the following rules:

• Define what the problem is
• Define how to rectify it
• Don't attack
• Don't belittle
• Don't condemn
• Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

Teens’ Common back talk: "Leave me alone!" and "It's all your fault!"

How to respond: Beware -- they may look like grown-ups, but teenagers are not completely rational. They think differently than adults and children, and often feel they're invulnerable. Be concerned about their responses and listen to them. Help them to see that you're on their side. If they say they want to be left alone, back off but don't give up. Take a more subtle approach. Write them a note without attacking or blaming, and say that you'd like to hear back from them. Always keep the dialogue open. Try talking in a lower voice. If you model screaming and shouting, that's what you'll get in return. And remember, you are always the authority in your house; you can set limits. As parents, you cannot be friends with your children, but you can still treat them in a friendly way.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once...

I am considering buying your book but I would like more explanation on your “unconventional” techniques. I have read many books, and some seem to help for a little while and then something new comes up that I don’t know how to deal with. She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once, but then seems to keep going right up to the line, but not quite crossing it, over and over.

Thanks for your time,

W.

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Hi W.,

All I mean by "unconventional" is that some of the techniques in the eBook are also used by therapists and psychologists to build a "therapeutic alliance" with their clients. In this case, you will be using the techniques to build an alliance - or bond - with your child.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it?

Hi Mark,

I am a Elementary school teacher (3rd. grade) who is doing their homework in the preparation of receiving next school year a little girl who exhibits all the classic symptoms of ODD. (I will forward your information about your book on to her parents and try to help them as best I can.)

My main purpose for writing you is to get ideas that I can use in the classroom for behavior management of this disorder. (My guess is that this little girl will be placed in the SBH unit one day or given home instruction.) I want to begin the year prepared and having a plan in place. I hope to meet with her adoptive parents before the year begins and get them on-board with working with me. Is there anything you would suggest in planning to deal with her behavior? Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it? I would appreciate any advise you can give.

Thanks,

Mitch Burton

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Hi Mitch,

You may want to consider downloading the eBook. I have many therapists, educators, probation officers, social workers, etc. who have either attending my live seminar or have joined Online Parent Support (the online version of the seminar). The program is not just for parents. Anybody who has to deal with an oppositional defiant child will benefit from the material.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?

I checked with our lawyer if I charge C__ with theft he would go to a group home. Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?
what are your thoughts?

Tonight he took off on me tonight, I used the steps and took his cell phone and computer and he demanded his computer from me. I said the 'no" once and I am not arguing etc. He said he was going out I said he was grounded and if he left I would start the grounding all over again etc. He took some clothes with him. He told me that he is very mad and wants to punch people out etc. who ever is talking about him, I had told him that I received a call from a parent that is concerned about him hanging with the wrong group and that he is doing things that he should not be doing. He said a list of the adults that he would not do anything to.

I was a little scared and he said he thought the computer is in the car and that he wanted the keys but he did not touch me. He said he likes smoking pot and he said i want to show you something then showed me the bong and told me that it is not his and I said that is what every body says that it's not theirs. I said this with no anger and my poker face. I said I would have to call the police if he is running away and he said that he can out smart the police that when the doorbell rings he is gone.

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Hi A.,

Re: I checked with our lawyer if I charge Chris with theft he would go to a group home.

With all due respect to your lawyer, I think he gave you some misinformation. Assuming this would be your son's first encounter with the juvenile justice system, he would probably receive what is called an "Informal Adjustment." I don't have time to explain that now. Call your local juvenile probation dept. and pick their brain on this.

Re: Would he not be exposed to more criminal active and get more tools to the trade?

As I stated earlier, it is highly unlikely that he would be going to some group home. Judges DON'T "sentence" first-time offenders to "placement."

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical...

Hi S.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark -

I just signed onto your program last week and have a situation going on that I just do not know what to do.

I have a 14 year old girl using drugs and on the run most of the time.

== > First of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you can go live with your dad."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When she comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.

I am writing to you now because she came home last evening (walked past us and went to bed). I cluelessly have said or done nothing yet. History says she will dismiss me no matter how friendly my approach. The trigger for her last run a couple weeks ago was when she returned from her previous run and I invited her to go along on a trip to the vet with our dog. She went for the bedroom door to dismiss me.

I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical. Deciding not to act from fear, I have begun self-defense and Taekwon-do classes. My decision was no longer to allow her verbal abuse. So with this I pushed open the bedroom door and said calling me names in my home would not be tolerated. She got passed me, and did get a good slap in as she went on a cursing, ranting and raving mission, grabbing what I think was her drug stash in the back yard and vowing never to return (of course she always does for some clean clothes and a sleeping binge).

This was until very recently my "good" child. Her sister, now 17 will be returning from a Dual Diag. Correctional Facility (Severe Drug Add w/ Bi-polar, ODD, etc) in August. She successfully completed the program in a year after being in Juvenile Detention for 6 Mos. To date, all signs are that she is doing exceptionally well. Recently, as it gets closer to A___ coming home and all of us hoping for a fresh start, the younger daughter has gone out of her way to insist that I am a fool and A___ will come home and do what she always does.

Until a couple months ago, the younger daughter, S___, prided herself in being the smart, over achieving superstar daughter. Over the past year there were 2 incidents that may have been red flags, but I didn't catch them due to her history.

When school got out in May, she began staying out late and taking off to surrounding towns. I told her she was going to have to either get involved in an activity or get a summer job. She told me there would be no way, confessed to smoking weed and after my lecturing the consequences of her choices, she reminded me that there's not a F thing I can do about it and the running began.

She knows that it takes a long time (2 years for her sister) before ANYTHING happens. The police are reluctant to do anything, and here in FLA, short of them getting an arrest history, the rest is a song and dance as you get passed from one agency to the next.

I completely understand the problems that probably led to the mess with my daughters. We've done the counseling, I've soul searched and have made peace with God - but now what???? I've given it to God and one source he's led me to is you. What do I do NOW?

I hope you can give me something that can make a difference today.

==> If her drug use has been purely recreational, you may only need to clearly state your position regarding abstinence and then closely monitor her behavior. If she is more deeply into substance abuse, seek the advice of a behavioral health or substance abuse professional.

Don't show any emotions of anger or fear, and don't lose your good poker face -- but do send a strong message that drug and alcohol use is not acceptable. Don't lecture, be clear, and keep your message short and to the point.

Develop a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers of her friends. Get to know those kids if possible. Form a network with the parents of her peers. Keep in touch with one another. Don't be surprised if other parents don't share your concern about substance abuse.

Check her whereabouts regularly. Don't be shocked if you find that another parent is using drugs with her, allows substance-abusing parties at their home, or is supplying the kids with drugs and alcohol. If you learn that one of her friends is involved in drugs, don't keep it a secret from his/her parents.

Restrict or eliminate use of the car, take away cell phones, and limit unsupervised free time until she is committed to being "clean and sober." An out-of-control kid wants freedom more than anything -- let her know that freedom is earned.

If she wants to spend the night at a friend’s house, check with the other parent to make sure she has permission. Also make sure the other parent will be home, and determine if the other parent has the same curfew and expectations you do.

Kids often select homes of absent parents for sleep-overs and all-night drug/alcohol parties. Make sure she is not sneaking out after you go to bed. Nothing good happens after midnight.

Get Caller ID and Anonymous Call Rejection on the phone line that she uses so that you know who is calling her. Require that she call home from a "land line" phone so that the location she is calling from appears on your Caller ID.

Find out where she is getting the money to purchase drugs (e.g., your ATM card, wallet, money you give for an allowance, lunches, gas, etc.). Don't be surprised if you find she is stealing from you or others to finance his drug use.

Purchase urine-screen kits to use at home and test her randomly.

Tell her the following: "If you choose to use drugs, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and juvenile probation will be notified."

If she continues to use drugs, follow through with this consequence.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen