He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears...

I first want to start out by saying THANK YOU. Although I have only completed the first weeks session I already feel like there is hope for our family.

I have a 15 year old son (will turn 16 in one month) who was diagnosed with ADHD in first grade and diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in the 6th grade. Currently his ADHD is stable with Adderall and his bipolar is being treated with Abilify. I dont think the Abilify is the answer however. I have learned to cope with alot of his 'difficulties" but there are 2 problems that I would call a "emergency."

I also have a 14 year our daughter who is a basket of nerves. My son and her HATE each other. He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears. When she is upset there is no reasoning with her until she calms down. I can almost see the "excitement" in my son’s eyes when he makes her cry. She is so vulnerable right now. He knows she is very aware of her figure and looks so he is constantly calling her fat (although she is not fat at all). She then comes back at him with retard and why don’t we "send him away". I fear what this is doing to her self-esteem and emotional needs.

My second problem is his vulgar language. He is constantly using fowl language on a daily basis usually with no rhyme or reason. He just yells out a long string of bad language for no reason. He is also very open about sex. He talks about it a lot and constantly makes "sexual noises".

Please believe me when I say, I will continue with your program but right now I feel like 3 weeks is a eternity and I fear our family will fall apart before I get to the end. Do you have any quick advice to help us cope?

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Thanks so much for your help!

C.

`````````````

Hi C.,

Re: He knows exactly how to push her buttons and she gets so upset she usually just explodes in anger followed by tears.

You’ll want to use the strategies in Sessions 3 & 4 for this. But allow me to elaborate a bit before you rush through those sessions in search of a magic bullet.

Mothers of teenagers or preteenagers may be troubled by the amount of fighting, both verbal and physical, that goes on between their children. This is a common problem in homes with adolescents and one many mothers find particularly difficult and upsetting. One mother said, "They are constantly bickering and yelling. There's no peace in the house anymore. They won't listen to me, and nothing I do seems to have any effect on them. Why do they hate each other so?"

If mothers experience these kinds of problems and concerns, it may help if they try to gain a better understanding of sibling battles and then develop a plan for dealing with them in their home.

In this society, people have the expectation that they will love and get along well with everyone in their family. They always expect to feel positive toward their mothers, brothers, sisters, spouse and children. Most people, however, have at least some times when they don't feel very loving toward each other.

Relationships within a family are close, both emotionally and physically, and very intense. When the television show mothers have been looking forward to is being drowned out by the cheerleading practice in the basement, or when the turkey leg they were saving for a snack is missing from the refrigerator, or when their spouse is gleefully telling a crowd of friends how they dented the car fender, they are not likely to feel loving. Because they are so close, family members have a greater power than anyone else to make other members feel angry, sad, confused -- and loving. This is as true for children and adolescents as it is for adults.

Most siblings have probably been good friends and good enemies as they have grown. Having a sibling provides an opportunity to learn to get along with others. Especially when siblings are younger, they may fight bitterly, but they will probably be playing together again an hour later.

For example, a child will say something hateful to a sibling, knowing full well they will still be siblings and friends when the fight is over. If the same thing was said to a playmate outside the family, that playmate might take his or her marbles and go home for good. Thus, children learn from relationships with siblings just how certain words or actions will affect another person without the fear of losing the person's friendship.

Siblings fight for a number of reasons:

• They fight because they are growing up in a competitive society that teaches them that to win is to be better: "I saw it first." "I beat you to the water."
• They fight because they are jealous: "He got a new bike. I didn't. They must love him more than they love me."
• They fight because they want a parent's attention, and the parent has only so much time, attention and patience to give.
• They fight over ordinary teasing which is a way of testing the effects of behavior and words on another person: "He called me..." "But she called me...first."

Children need not weeks or months but years to learn some of the socially approved ways to behave in relationships. Lessons about jealousy, competition, sharing and kindness are difficult to learn, and, indeed, some adults still haven't learned them.

Adolescents fight for the same reasons younger children fight. But adolescents are bigger, louder and better equipped physically and intellectually to hurt and be hurt by words and actions.

From a parent's point of view, they "ought" to be old enough to stop that kind of behavior. What mothers may forget is that adolescents are under pressure from many different directions. Physical and emotional changes and changes in thinking cause pressures, as do changing relationships with mothers and friends.

Teenagers may be concerned about real or imagined problems between their mothers. They feel pressure about the future as adults and about learning to be an adult.

In many ways, teenagers are in greater need than ever for parental love, attention and concern and for a belief that they are as good as their siblings. The adolescent may not recognize these needs or may be too embarrassed to express them verbally, so fighting with siblings as a way to get parental attention may actually increase in adolescence.

In truth, children don't really hate each other, at least not all the time. As children mature and learn to control their energies and anxieties, chances are they will be good friends.

Mothers can recognize the reasons for the fighting and make up their minds that they will not tolerate it. It's not easy to stick to that resolution! However, many mothers have found that sticking to that resolution is the most important factor in bringing peace to their home.

Mothers should tell adolescents that while it's normal to have disagreements, the constant fighting upsets them and they value peace at home. They can say they will no longer be the judge and jury over the siblings' disputes and they will not stand for it! Then, they must stand by the resolution.

One mother reported that every time a fight started, she would say to his adolescents, "You're fighting. I'm leaving." And then she would go out to work in the yard or take a drive or run an errand -- but she simply walked away from the fighting. Another mother used a similar tactic. When the fighting began, she said, "Call me when it's over." Then she went to her bedroom, slamming the door to emphasize her point. Another parent made his adolescents leave the house when they began fighting.

In each of these cases, the mothers demonstrated that fighting would not get their attention and they would not get involved in the fight. Other mothers have had success in imposing penalties for fighting, such as fines deducted from allowances or a certain amount of grounding for each fighter. These mothers are showing adolescents the cost of fighting is higher than the reward. Whatever tactic mothers use, if they are consistent and stick to their guns, they will almost certainly be successful in reducing the amount of fighting between their children.

Living with fighting adolescent siblings is not pleasant. If mothers can remain calm in the face of battling teenagers, if they can retain their sense of humor and if they put up a determined and united front, they will find the war in their living room will end before long.

As a parent, do you:

• Avoid initiating competition among children?
• Be sure older children are not usually forced to give in to younger ones because "he's little" or "she doesn't know better?"
• Believe there can be something good in sibling fighting?
• Make sure your adolescents realize they are each unique and have a special set of strengths?
• Praise adolescents for being who they are not just for what they can do?
• Realize adolescents and younger children need to be given the right to decide not to share at least some of the time?
• Recognize that each child is different?
• Set aside some time to be alone with each child?
• Talk to the adolescents about their fighting?

Here’s some more tips:

1. Be available to listen patiently to the problem and control your emotions. Typically mothers have more insight into solving a problem, so give them positive suggestions they can use to work the problem out with their sibling.
2. Don't intervene, but do give them guidance.
3. Don't take sides -- remain neutral.
4. Encourage teenagers to work out issues constructively. Do not allow aggressive behavior such as name calling or hitting.
5. Express to each of your children that you care for each of them as individuals and love them unconditionally.
6. Give them the opportunity to work out their problems on their own.
7. Help enforce the rules by outlining consequences when rules are broken.
8. Help them recognize each other's individuality.
9. Insist that they try to cooperate first.
10. Overcome your own competitive nature.
11. Share an interest in their activities.
12. Spend time with them individually.
13. Teach your children good communication techniques, problem solving skills, and the importance of compromise.

Re: My second problem is his vulgar language.

Teens equate swearing to a rite of passage. As parents we can help them learn healthier ways of expressing and developing maturity. The first step to cleaning up teen talk is listening to your teen. When you ascertain in what scenarios and environments he typically swears, you can help him find alternatives to express himself.

Does your son try to project confidence or superiority when he swears? Does he demonstrate anguish, disgust or disdain in himself or peers with cursing? Do you hear your son causally and subconsciously dropping profanities intermittently throughout casual conversations? Knowing the prime times your son swears will help you choose a course of action to clean up the cursing.

Teens frequently opt for strong language as the result of peer pressure. When she asked her fifteen-year-old son James why he selects such strong language to convey his point of view, Julie from Indianapolis was astonished by her teen’s straightforward answer. “I talk just like all my friends. We don’t mean anything and it’s not like adults don’t say those things” was James' enlightening response. Although it may appear cavalier, James' explanation is familiarly synonymous with beliefs of his peers.

Realizing that her son and his friends were trying to out-do each other in a ritual game of whose language packs the most shock value, Julie decided she wanted to break her son’s habit of vulgarity. “We talked about better ways he could grab his friend’s and acquaintance’s attention,” states Julie “I tried to impress that acting older didn’t automatically mean someone would believe he’s mature.”

Many parents like Julie also find explaining that swearing is not an impressive trait or something that is respected and admired provides clarity. When teens realize that vulgarity or excessive slang has an affect that is ironically opposite than their desired perception of maturity, they are less inclined to taint their vocabulary with swearing. Helping your teen find an intelligent means to express himself, and thus demonstrate true maturity, will both curb swearing and help him achieve his desired goal.

I also suggest parents model the language they expect their teens and tweens to utilize. Reinforcing positive expressions of various emotions lets teens know there’s another way to same the same thing. Of course, we’re all human and can possibly accidentally or occasionally let a slang word slip. The frustration of stalled traffic or of dropping a heavy can on top of your foot can cause the most restrained individual to use an inappropriate word.

Acknowledging that you’re aware you made a regrettable word choice helps teens respect the lessons you’re aiming to instill. Demonstrating your remorse for using a curse word offers your teen a glimpse into your humanistic persona.

Additionally helping your teen realize there are consequences to all of his actions -- including swearing -- provides another deterrent. If your teen has to pay a predetermined ‘fee’ or ‘toll’ for every profanity used, he may think twice about spending his hard earned allowance on curse words. A curse word cookie jar worked miraculously for Karen’s son. “After a few weeks of paying for his language, he decided he’s give up swearing. It was just too expensive,” Karen happily proclaimed.

Good luck …stay in touch,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

What do you think about boarding school to get her away from the bullshit...

hi mark

i didnt call the police until i would have another episode but i let this guy back into my house because he was staying with my sister and my daughter would keep going over there so i said he could come over …well my daughter and him got the impression that he is going to live here and after a few days i told him he has to go and he got all puffy, and my daughter got an attitude, but he told her he was going to leave in a couple of days

…i told him there wasnt enough room here and i needed to get a handle on my daughter… He got pissed off and said i had more than him to worry about in my daughters life - that i should be concerned about who she would be with when he left and didnt give me a chance to talk to him before he took off….

Well the next day he was at my (supposed to be supportive sisters) and i dont know if he was there all night or not …she said they all showed up after she got out of court for being evicted, but a boy staying there said he was there when he got there at 8 o clock.

Now my daughter went to her house at 11 she was with a friend whose 20 and finally called me at 4:30 …anyways they were tooling around with this guy Joe who i kicked out. Then i got my dish network bill and there were adult movies on ppv at the times i was at work, so i called the police and they said they couldnt prove he was watching them with my daughter so they couldnt arrest him …he was at my sisters house when the police came and my sister almost got arrested for defending him. She was all-supportive for him, and said i am crazy, and said they make mistakes all the time. What do you think about boarding school to get her away from the bullshit …and im afraid Joe has been molesting my daughter.

I didnt mention that my daughter and Joe denied watching adult movies and my daughter took the policeman aside and told him she didnt want to go home with me causes she was scared id beat her up and that i drink all the time and beat her up …but he said he couldnt do anything because she had no marks …then he saw right through her and said she had to come home.

````````````````````

Hi S.,

Below is an email from one of my teenage clients – along with my response. I think this discussion applies to your daughter as well. Maybe you can convince you’re her to read it:

Email from client:

I’m 16 and in love with a much older man. He’s 34 and treats me like gold but I worry about how my parents will react when they learn how old he is. He doesn’t look 34, more like 24, so I could lie to them and say he is younger but I just don’t know if I should. Advice?

My response:

Too many teen girls, some younger than 16, have written in asking me to tell them that their love affair with a much older man is “OK” or normal, and that their parents and all of society are wrong for putting an age limit on love, but I just can’t do this. Sure, love doesn’t always make sense, but the bottom line on this situation is simple: it is weird.

Take a good look at the kind of relationship we're talking about here. There are nearly two decades of life dividing the two of you and I have to ask, “What on earth can you guys possibly have in common???” I ask this with extreme caution because I, along with every parent reading this answer, fears you will say there is a bond in the worst possible way (yep, I mean sex) and that will force me to retort with words like; statutory rape, lecherous intentions, borderline pedophilia and ewww gross. Honestly the whole thing makes me want to yell, "Get out of this relationship, date guys closer to your own age and enjoy your youth!" Chances are good he enjoyed his youth, a youth he lived 15 years ago!

I can state with great confidence that most normal well-adjusted 30+ year old men (and more than a few men in their late 20’s) would run to the nearest psychologist if they ever seriously thought about having that kind of a relationship with a 16 year old child. Yes, when there are 18 years between you and you live in the 21st century a 16 year old is still a child where any normal 30-something is concerned. Sorry, I know how much teenagers hate being called children but really, you’re not an adult by any legal or socially accepted definition of the word so get over the child label and just accept that this 34 year old who treats you like gold probably has some really unsettling demons lurking in his closet and that those demons are just waiting to jump out and scare you back into a reality where teenagers date teenagers, or at least young adults, and 34 year old men don’t troll for dates at the local high school.

I wish I could tell you that love conquers all, that age ain’t nothing but a number and that men more than twice your age make great life partners and loyal companions, but I can’t. Any man that old involved with a girl who is so much younger most likely suffers from one, some, or all of the following personality quirks; he is immature, he is an under-achiever, he has low self esteem, he is a control freak, he is in an early mid-life crisis, he is emotionally confused, he routinely strays from socially accepted norms, he’s creepy, etc… When all is said and done the dude is just not right.

Consider the following:

• Teenagers who date older partners had a lower likelihood of consistent contraceptive use. For each year a partner is older than the respondent, the likelihood of always using contraception decreases by 11 percent.

• A recent study found that 6.7 percent of women aged 15-17 have partners six or more years older. The pregnancy rate for this group is 3.7 times as high as the rate for those whose partners are no more than two years older.

• "Teenage girls with older partners are more likely to become pregnant than those with partners closer in age," Planned Parenthood (2004) reported. Further, girls who get pregnant are more likely to have the baby rather than get an abortion if their partners are older.

The characteristics of adult men and the teenage women they date are clearly not ideal. Compared to teenage fathers, adult fathers with teen partners were significantly more likely to have a history of school failure, to smoke, and to have been arrested.

Although studies of adult-teen relationships are sparse, there has been some anecdotal effort to understand them. The National Center for Policy Analysis (2001) suggests four main reasons:

• An older man may be better able to care for a family than a teenager.
• Older men may expect the woman to take responsibility for contraception.
• Teenage women are not as likely to use birth control pills as women a few years older.
• Teenagers may want to become "adults" more quickly to escape an unhappy or deprived home environment.

Older men also carry liabilities that can be closely related to what seem to be their attributes. Greater independence means greater mobility, which makes it easier for older partners to abandon girlfriends. Greater experience with life increases the odds that older men will have problems with substance abuse, emotional disturbances, criminal behavior, abusiveness, STI and HIV infection, and unresolved past relationships (including ongoing ones). In particular, the HIV infection rate is nine times higher, and gonorrhea and syphilis rates are three times higher, among teen girls than among teen boys, indicating infection of younger women by older male partners (Centers for Disease Control 1990-2002; Sexually Transmitted Disease Control Branch 2002). Older male infection of younger females may be even more pronounced if, as several studies indicate, HIV-positive teenage males also tend to have had adult male partners.

A substantial percentage of younger teenagers who have had sex appear to have been forced. "Some 74% of women who had intercourse before age 14 and 60% of those who had sex before age 15 report having had sex involuntarily," as do 40% of those who had sex by 15, and 25% by 16 also reported, the Guttmacher Institute said. Sex among young adolescents is often involuntary; it frequently involves a man who is substantially older than the woman, which may make it hard for the young woman to resist his approaches and even more difficult for her to insist that contraceptives be used to prevent STDs and pregnancy.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am a counsellor and have recently started getting more calls from parents with difficult to manage teenage children...

Hi Mark,

Thank you for your email. I am a parent of three children..however they are all grown up now. I could have done with your course some years ago!

I bought your course because I am a counsellor and have recently started getting more calls from parents with difficult to manage teenage children. I think your course may help me with my work as it looks very well structured. I am looking forward to working with it. I hope you have no objection?

I will let you know how I am getting on with it..if you are interested!

Warm Regards

J.

``````````````````````````````

Hi J.,

Good for you!

Many of the members of Online Parent Support are professionals (e.g., teachers, juvenile probation officers, therapists, social workers, etc.) needing assistance in this particular area (i.e., dealing with out-of-control children and adolescents).

And please do let me know how things go.

Thanks,

Mark

Online Parent Support

When is this power struggle going to end?

Hi Mark,

I did what you said below and it worked. Afterwards he and I agreed that he could sleep over at Grandma's, when I went to class.

He ran away again, once in June and once in July. Last weekend when he ran away, I went down to the police station and filed a runaway/missing person report. I told them that he usually ends up at Grandma's house, that he gets in my face, yells at me and pushes me around. The officer said that when they pick him up, they will call me and ask me if I want them to take him in. She didn't give me specifics as to if it was a hold cell, etc. My son is still living at Grandma's and has yet to be picked up.

My son has a key to the back door. I have been blocking the door so he can't enter it as he would come in the house while I am at work for 'his stuff'. But I know that if he can't find something or anything that sets him off, he will break something.

The last 2 months have been really hard. My son calls me stupid F___Bitch all the time. He is mad that I signed him up for summer school and refused to do anything. I refused to take him to ride his dirt bike until he hands in his assignments.

He always looks for a fight so he has a reason to get mad and break something. I am trying very hard to stay calm. How do I get him to calm down and realize his inappropriate actions? When is this power struggle going to end?

Thanks,

L.

``````````````````````````````````

Hi L.,

Since you are a single parent, you are the designated "bad guy." Your child probably directs most - if not all - of his anger and rage toward you. But his anger is displaced. He is upset about many different things for many different reasons. Thus, as difficult as it may be, do not take his attacks personally (although in most cases the attacks will need a consequence).

Kids love to argue. They want their ideas to be everyone else's ideas. They like to prove that they are right and you and everyone else are wrong. Kids like to control the situation. They enjoy having power over their parents.

Kids have a need for power. This need is normal; kids see adults as having power. We do what we want to do; at least, that's what our kids think. We appear self-reliant and secure. We are all grown up. We have power. Kids want to be like us. They want power, too.

Having a need for power is not a bad thing. It is only when a son uses power in a negative way that power can become a problem. Power-seeking kids try to do what they want to do. They refuse to do what you ask. Kids who seek power do not like to be told what to do. They resist authority. They like to make the rules. They like to determine how things are going to be done.

Why You Can't Win a Power Struggle? Most parents deal with power by emphasizing counter-control. This does not work. Efforts to control a power-seeking son often lead to a deadlock or power struggle between your son and you. No final victory is ever possible for you. Once you find yourself in a power struggle, you have lost.

If your son wins the power struggle, he is reassured that power caused the victory. You were defeated by his power. If you win the power struggle, your son thinks that it was your power that caused the victory and defeated him. He is reassured of the value of power. This results in kids striking back, again and again, each time with stronger methods. You win the battle but lose the war.

Every kid displays power differently. Most power struggles are active. Arguing is a good example of active power. Some kids have learned the value of passive resistance. Rather than argue, these kids will refuse to do what you asked. They nod their heads and just sit quietly. Some even smile a little. This type of power has a definite purpose-to push your buttons.

Stop being part of the power struggle. It takes two to have a power struggle. It takes two to argue. Make a firm commitment to yourself that you will no longer engage in arguments and lengthy explanations. State your expectations clearly and firmly and walk away. Tell your son exactly what you want him to do, when he must do it, and what happens if he does not. Then walk away.

For example:

P: "It's time to turn off the TV."
C: "I want to watch the next show."
P: "Sorry, it's time to get ready for bed."
C: "Can't I stay up for one more show?"
P: "Not tonight. We have to get up early."
C: "We always have to get up early."
P: "Turn off the TV. Get your shower and go to bed. Do it now, or you will lose TV for tomorrow night."

Do not stay in the situation and argue. Go to your room and close the door if necessary. Do not let your son push your buttons. If you get angry, you will be rewarding him. Your anger will give your son the power over you that he seeks. You may need to use punishment when dealing with power. Tell your son what to do. Be ready with a punishment if your son fails to cooperate. If you punish him because of a power struggle, remember two things.

First, do not punish in anger; this will only encourage your son to strike back with power.

Second, smaller punishments work better than bigger punishments. If your son thinks you have punished him too harshly, he will retaliate with power.

When your son does what you ask without an argument, thank him. Call attention to it: "Thank you. You did what I asked without an argument. I appreciate that. It shows you are cooperating." As a long-term solution, remember that his need for power can be a positive thing.

Look for independence, self-reliance, leadership, and decision-making. When your son shows these qualities, spotlight them. Catch him being good. As with most behavior problems, the positive approach is the best remedy for handling power.

The difference between power and authority lies within you. When you have to confront your kids, emphasize cooperation, not control. Stay calm and rational in spite of the situation. Guard your anger button. Stop and think. Do not react impulsively. Give clear and specific expectations. Explain what will happen if your son chooses not to cooperate. Do not give ultimatums. Focus on influencing your son's motivation.

Here is an example of a parent using power:

"Why can't I go?"
"Because I said so. I'm your mother."
"What has that got to do with it?"
"Everything."
"Well, I'm going anyway."
(Mother gets angry.) "I'm warning you. If you go to that party, you are going to be in big trouble."
"Oh sure. What are you going to do?"
"You just wait and see."

Here is an example of a parent using authority:

"Why can't I go?"
"I don't think it is going to be safe."
"I can handle it."
"There is going to be a lot of drinking at that party. Probably drugs, too. I don't want you there."
"I'll be okay. You don't have to worry."
"You don't understand. I trust you. That's not the problem. I don't trust some of those other kids. You can't control what they will do."
"Everyone else is going."
"I know you want to go very much. I know you'll be disappointed."
"I want to go."
"Sorry. You can't go. You can do something else. Have some kids over here."

How can you correct your kids and avoid arguments? Verbal corrections are part of good discipline. The purpose of verbal corrections is to teach better decision-making.

Here are some suggestions:

1. Begin by validating your relationship: "You are my son and I love you. Nothing you do will ever change that."
2. React appropriately to the size of the problem. If your son misbehaves while shopping, restrict him from shopping: "You can't go shopping with me for two weeks. You will have to stay home. I hope that when you can come with me again, you will behave."
3. Remind your son of previous good behavior: "That's not like you. You are always very well behaved when we go shopping."
4. Separate your son from his behavior. Say, "That behavior is unacceptable." Do not say, "Anyone who would do that is stupid."
5. State your concern: "Your behavior at the store was not acceptable. I was embarrassed."

Do not ask why. Kids misbehave because they choose to misbehave. When you ask why, you are suggesting there may be an excuse: "Why did you do that?" "He told me to do it." Clever kids will search for excuses until they come up with one that you accept. If you don't accept it, you then have a power struggle on your hands.

Realize that an upset child is not a good listener. This is not the time for constructive communication. Wait until he cools off.

Teach your kids to learn from their mistakes rather than suffer from them. Point out things they do wrong by showing them ways to do it better: "You remembered to take out the garbage. Good going. The twist ties need to be a little tighter next time. I'll show you how."

Admit you are wrong once in a while. This is a tough one. Your kids will learn from your example. When you openly admit your mistakes and weaknesses, you are showing them that grown-ups are not perfect. We don't know everything.

Do not carry on about small mistakes; deal with it and then let it go. The purpose of verbal corrections is to have a more cooperative youngster. Misbehaviors and mistakes are normal. You can help your son best by minimizing problems. Do not dwell on them, or rehash the day's problems. Kids cannot build on weaknesses. They can only build on strengths.

When a child feels hurt or angry, he may want to get even. He wants to hurt you. Getting even takes away some of his hurt and anger. Getting even makes kids feel that justice has been served. Revenge is important to kids because of their keen sense of fairness.

Revenge can destroy relationships between parents and kids. This is especially true of teenagers. Some kids embarrass you in front of others. Some kids strike out at something that is special to you. Some kids hurt a younger brother or sister. Some kids run away. Some kids will break a window or break something of value. I once worked with a mother who had a vengeful teenage son. One day she came home to find that he had thrown all of her fine china and crystal glasses into the street. Revenge is not pleasant.

Revenge typically begins when you punish your child for something he believes is unfair. He decides to get even with you by misbehaving again. He pushes your buttons. You get angry and punish again. He strikes back again. The cycle of retaliation begins.

The target of your son's revenge is your feelings. A child who wants to get even wants to hurt you. If he does, he has achieved his payoff. Some parents lack self-confidence about their skills as a parent. Clever kids realize this and take full advantage of the parent's weakness.

Revenge-seeking kids know exactly where to strike. They say things such as, "I hate you. You're a terrible mother." The reason for these remarks is to make you feel hurt. You feel that you have failed your kids. They want you to feel inadequate and guilty.

When you feel inadequate or guilty, you begin to question your own judgments. Then you begin to give in. There is nothing a revenge-seeking child would like more than for you to become inconsistent. This is the payoff they are looking for.

Believe in your own abilities, and you will not become the victim of your son's revenge. Support yourself. When your son strikes at your buttons, remain strong. Tell yourself that you are a good parent – you are doing the best you can.

Be positive when disciplining your son. Do not criticize. Be sure that consequences are fair and that they make sense to your son. Consequences should not humiliate or embarrass your son. They should be mild. They should teach your son to make better decisions. Do not use punishment to get even with your son for something he has done that hurts you or makes you angry.

Many parents measure their worthiness by their kid's success: "If I am a good parent, why are my kids so bad?" They feel that if their kids are not perfect, then they must be less than adequate as parents. By believing this, you are making yourself vulnerable to your kids. You become an easy target for any child looking for a button to push.

Think about the reasons you might feel this way. Are you insecure about yourself? Do you feel this way because of your spouse? Is this a leftover belief from your relationship with your parents? Think about your strengths rather than your insecurities. The more you focus on your strengths -- the more confident you will become. Stay calm when your son says, "I hate you." Say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, but I have to do what's right."

Being a good parent does not always mean that you will be your child's best friend. There have been many times when my kids have been angry with me. I do not like how it feels, yet I am not going to give in to their demands. I am not going to criticize myself. Ten years from now they will not remember the time I would not let them watch an R-rated movie. But they will remember my commitment to them. I am going to support myself because I know that what I am doing is best.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

 COMMENTS:

•    Anonymous said… I have a 14 year old daughter who says the same thing to me. She was also just recently diagnosed with also having ODD. Although sooo hard sometimes not to engage, I have found if I walk away and ignore that works better. I will admit though that lately it's been so bad with her swearing and the wanted to do as she pleases that I have been having a hard time not engaging and have several times. Sometime it just makes you feel like such a failure as a parent and helpless. Hang in there mom and know your not alone
•    Anonymous said… Omg I thought I was alone. My 9 year old who has always been difficult but manageable has morphed into something I am struggling to daily manage without losing it. I know life is a struggle but so tired of being a punching bag....seriously considering giving full custody to her father.
•    Anonymous said… When I read things like this I become fearful. My son is only six now and I don't think that I could stand him calling me a b####. It would take my spirit away.
•    Anonymous said… When my son is like this I have to love him twice as hard, I find it is insecurities or something that has upset his balance. I try to help him find his peaceful place so take away the computer etc and go to the beach, the library somewhere calming to change the subject. I know it's hard in no way am I undermining your feeling, I feel this way sometimes too and he is very full time. But sometimes changing his environment changes the mood, something he is successful at and then we talk about how great he is at it.

Post your comment below…

It is disrupting our entire family ...

Hi-

My son constantly annoys his sister (2 yrs younger) and his brother (6yrs younger). We have two other children that he realizes his comments don't affect as much, so he does not aggravate them so much. I am worried about my daughter who is 9 1/2. She is so sensitive and cries daily at the insults that my son gives her. It often times leaves her screaming and calling him names which sometimes leads to a consequence for her for name calling. I try to have them work it out on their own, but this only leads to even bigger fights. I try to encourage them to work together and praise them on the very few times that they are getting along or at least not fighting. This does not seem to be helping. It is disrupting our entire family and I am afraid that it is breaking down my daughter's self esteem. Please help!!!!

J.,

``````````````````````````````````

Hi J.,

I find that when parents continue to experience difficulties after 4 weeks, they have missed a couple important pieces.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in the eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

Referring to the Online Version of the eBook:

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life?
2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return?
3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out?
4. Are you using the Fair Fighting technique as needed?
5. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes?
6. Do you use "The Art of Saying No" whenever your answer is no?
7. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day?
8. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed?
9. Are you using “The Six-Step Approach” when something unexpected pops-up?
10. Do you give him at least one chore each day?
11. Do you find something fun to do with him each week?
12. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?" If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!
13. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle")?
14. Have you watched ALL the videos in the Online Version of the eBook?
15. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”
16. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

How can you help your kids get along better?

The basics:

• Being fair is very important, but it is not the same as being equal. Your children need to learn that you will do your best to meet each of their unique needs. Even if you are able to do everything totally equally, your children will still feel as if they’re not getting a fair share of attention, discipline, or responsiveness from you.
• Don’t play favorites.
• Don’t typecast. Let each child be who they are. Don’t try to pigeonhole or label them.
• Make sure each child has enough time and space of their own. Kids need chances to do their own thing, play with their own friends without their sibling, and they need to have their space and property protected.
• Never compare your children. This one is a “biggie”.
• Pay attention to the time of day and other patterns in when conflicts usually occur. Perhaps a change in the routine, an earlier meal or snack, or a well-planned activity when the kids are at loose ends could help avert your kids’ conflicts.
• Plan family activities that are fun for everyone. If your kids have good experiences together, it acts as a buffer when they come into conflict. It’s easier to work it out with someone you share warm memories with.
• Set your kids up to cooperate rather than compete. For example, have them race the clock to pick up toys, instead of racing each other.
• Teach your kids positive ways to get attention from each other. Show them how to approach another child and ask them to play.

Be there for each child:

• Celebrate your children’s differences.
• Let each child know they are special—just for whom they are.
• Listen—really listen—to how your children feel about what’s going on in the family. They may not be so demanding if they know you at least care how they feel.
• Set aside “alone time” for each child. Each parent should spend some one-on-one with each kid on a regular basis. Try to get in at least a few minutes each day. It’s amazing how much even just 10 minutes of uninterrupted one-on-one time can mean to your child.
• When you are alone with each child, ask them once in a while what they like most and least about each brother and sister. This will help you keep tabs on their relationships, and also remind you that they probably do have some positive feelings for each other!

Resolving conflicts:

• Don’t yell or lecture. It won’t help.
• Encourage win-win negotiations, where each side gains something.
• Give your kids reminders. When they start picking on each other, help them remember how to state their feelings to each other. Don’t solve the problem for them, just help them remember how to problem solve.
• Help your kids develop the skills to work out their conflicts on their own. Teach them how to compromise, respect one another, divide things fairly, etc. Give them the tools, then express your confidence that they can work it out, by telling them, “I’m sure you two can figure out a solution.” Don’t get drawn in.
• If you are constantly angry at your kids, no wonder they are angry at each other! Anger feeds on itself. Learn to manage your anger, so you can teach your children how to manage theirs.
• In a conflict, give your kids a chance to express their feelings about each other. Don’t try to talk them out of their feelings. Help your kids find words for their feelings. Show them how to talk about their feelings, without yelling, name-calling, or violence.
• It doesn’t matter “who started it,” because it takes two to make a quarrel. Hold children equally responsible when ground rules get broken.
• Model good conflict resolution skills for your kids.
• Research shows that while you should pay attention to your kids’ conflicts (so that no one gets hurt, and you notice abuse if it occurs), it’s best not to intervene. When parents jump into sibling spats, they often protect one child (usually the younger sibling) against the other (usually the older one). This escalates the conflict, because the older child resents the younger, and the younger feels that they can get away with more since the parent is “on their side.”
• Teach conflict resolution skills during calm times.

When to intervene:

• If your children are physically violent with each other, and/or one child is always the victim and doesn’t fight back, you are dealing with sibling abuse. You should probably seek professional help.
• Dangerous fights need to be stopped immediately. Separate the children. When they have calmed down, talk about what happened and make it very clear that no violence is ever allowed.

Involve your children in setting ground rules. Ground rules, with clear and consistent consequences for breaking them, can help prevent many squabbles. Here are a few ideas:

• Any child who demands to be first, will go last.
• If arguing over who gets first choice of bedtime stories or favorite seats in the car is a problem, assign your kids certain days of the week to be the one to make these choices
• If borrowing is a problem, have the child who borrows something from a brother or sister put up collateral—a possession that will be returned only when the borrowed item is returned.
• If the kids fight over a toy, the toy goes into time-out.
• In a conflict, no hurting (hitting, kicking, pinching, etc.) is allowed.
• No fighting in the car, or you will pull over and stop until all is calm again.
• No making fun of a child who is being punished, or you get the same punishment.
• No name-calling, yelling, or tattling is allowed.

What are family meetings, and how can they help with sibling rivalry?

A family meeting is a meeting for all family members to work together to make family decisions and choices by working together. Parents, children, and any others who live in the home and have a stake in decisions affecting the daily life of the family should take part.. Choose a time that works for everyone.

There are two leadership roles at the family meetings: (1) a chairperson who keeps the meeting on track and sees that everyone's opinion is heard and (2) a secretary who takes notes at the meeting, writes them up and reads the minutes at the next meeting. Parents can assume these duties at the first meeting. Later, other family members should take turns so that no one has total responsibility for these tasks.

The purpose of the family meeting is to recognize that everyone's opinion makes a difference. Family meetings help to build cooperation and responsibility, and it make anger and rebellion less likely. Also, it is a time to share love, develop unity, and to build trust and self-esteem. The social skills and attitudes that children develop within the family circle are the skills and attitudes they will carry with them the rest of their lives.

Sample Agenda for Family Meetings: (1)

• Clarify the issue to be discussed.
• Determine priority issue(s).
• Determine the most effective solutions.
• Discuss family issues, concerns, interests, and positive events of past week.
• Generate possible solutions.
• Make plans to implement the solution.
• Plan one fun activity for the coming week.

Ground Rules for Family Meetings: (2)

• Everyone gets a chance to talk
• Everyone has to listen
• No one has to talk
• No one puts anyone else down
• Okay to say what you feel
• One person talks at a time and does not get interrupted

Mark

Online Parent Support

Our son has not been a threat to society before or during probation...

Mark,

I have been working on the program from you, although I am only in my second week. We had our Staffing Meeting today to determine placement for D. My husband and I tried to plead our case to the man who will make the recommendation to the court on Tuesday (22nd). Of course he recommended a Level 6 program for 6-9 months. Our son has not been a threat to society before or during probation and we tried to make the man understand that. We shared the strides D has made, but like any teenager he has made some mistakes. We know D has a long way to go and we want to be there for him to help.

Do you know any web pages I can go on to support what we believe, D will not benefit from a Level 6 program?

In advance, thanks for any advise you may be able to provide.

R.

``````````````````````

Hi R.,


I'm not familiar with a "Level 6" program. Are you referring to the Department of Corrections -- or a juvenile treatment facility?

Mark

``````````````````````

The recommendation is to a Level 6 Juvenile Detention Facility. Level 4 is the lowest in Florida, but I have a feeling there were not any beds and so he was bumped up to a level 6.

R.

`````````````````````````

Juvenile Detention (at least in Indiana) is much different than the Dept. of Corrections. The longest a juvenile can be detained in a Juvenile Facility is 180 days.

In any event, you should allow your son to experience the full consequences associated with his poor choices. If that's 6 - 9 months of incarceration -- then so be it.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20...

I have just completed your 4 weeks programme and trying very hard to implement all the suggestions. I wish we had come across this several months ago.

We seemed to have a happy peaceful family before Christmas, but since then things fell apart. I realise now that we have indulged our two children and that my daughter especially is used to getting her own way.

My 15 year old daughter was secretly seeing a very unsuitable man of 20. She managed to see him for about 2 months before we realised. Once we found out about it, we sat down as a family and discussed it and asked her not to see him because we felt he was too old and not from our part of town, he also has a GBH tag (Has been in trouble for fighting). At first she seemed to go along with it but one day my husband found them together in bed at our home during school time. Discussions, leading to rages followed, and again asked her not to see him. The pressure built up at home and one day she ran away for a night. The police were called and a Child protection Officer came to talk to us all. We had already been in contact with him because of our concerns for our daughter.

The Child protection officer felt there needed to be compromises on both sides and suggested (as he actually knew the man) that perhaps we should let her see him as he is not considered dangerous. So we agreed she could see him, and she still is.

I feel, had we had the strategies in place before, our daughter may not have continued to see him or even gone behind our backs in the first place.

I feel there is an improvement at home now, but as we have agreed to let her see him - can I or should I try and stop it? Or is it too late and we will just have to wait and hope it fizzles out.

I would welcome your advice.

L.

```````````````````````

Hi L.,

One of my juvenile clients, Kaylee (17-years-old) has pretty much only dated older guys. "The guys in my own grade seem immature, and I've known them forever," she once said.

For Kaylee, dating guys a couple years older has meant having boyfriends who own cars, can afford to buy her nice things, and can take her to parties she wouldn't normally go to. It also means instant new friends — his friends.

And Kaylee's not alone. She says most of her friends have dated older guys, too. So does that mean the age gap is no biggie? Well, not necessarily. Some older guys may be more mature, more experienced, and able to drive, but they also come with more expectations, which may also mean more pressure about a lot of things, including sex. In fact, girls who date older guys are much more likely to have unintended pregnancies than those who date guys their own age. And when teenagers have sex with older partners, legal issues may come into play — but more on that later.

Age doesn't make a sleaze. But some guys do date younger girls to control them and to be idolized.

A good way to figure out an older boyfriend's motives is to look at his reputation and how he's treated past girlfriends. Is he just kind and respectful ... or is he kind and respectful and controlling? This may be hard to determine, since control isn't always as obvious as saying "do this" or "don't do that." People can be controlling in ways that are more subtle. Making partners feel like they have to choose between the relationship and family or friends is one way of being controlling. Checking up on them constantly, or trying to influence them to act, talk, or dress in certain ways are others.

Tyeria, 17, felt an ex who was three years older took the control in the relationship because she was expected to spend most of her time with his friends — he wasn't into her same-age friends. Kaylee also thought she had less control because all of her older boyfriends seemed to be cooler, and she felt pressured trying to fit in with each new, "cooler" set of friends.

A girl who's hooking up with an older guy needs to think about something else, too — the law. Each state has its own laws governing the age of consent — the age at which a person is considered to be old enough to agree to have sex. States can also have different rules depending on whether it's two girls, two guys, a girl and a guy, or even what kind of sex they are having!

People above a state's age of consent who have sex with people below a state's age of consent can be charged with statutory rape. This is true even if the younger people are willing, because the law says they aren't old enough to legally give consent. "Statutory rape" is a crime that can be punished with a jail sentence for the older person.

Hundreds of older men go to jail every year for having sex with younger women. It can happen in same-sex relationships, too. In one recent case in Indiana, an 18-year-old guy was sentenced to 17 years in prison for having sex with a girl who was just a few days shy of turning 15.

So should your daughter run the other way? Not necessarily. But it's a good idea for her to think things through. Who will be in control? What are her expectations? What are his? What are your risks? Could there be legal problems?

It will also be helpful for her to talk things through with someone whose opinions she can trust and value, whether it's her best friend, a sibling, you the parent, or another trusted adult.

When dating older — and for dating in general — it's best to enter the relationship with your eyes wide open.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen