He quit his job for some reason...

Let me say you and your ebook have been a big help to me. I can use some advice. My son took his mother’s credit card, charged up about 200 dollars worth of stuff. He admitted to doing it. He had a job at the time and I was of course going to make him pay for the charges. In the mean time, he quit his job for some reason. I have taken his car away from him and am in the process of cutting his cell phone off. He is 17 and I am sure his next response will be that he just won’t go back for his senior year of high school. That would devastate me, but I feel it is now his choice, and if he drops put of school, it's welcome to the real world. What is your opinion on all this? Let me admit to having been an overindulging parent over the years.

One more question. I took his car because he his responsible for making the payments. What should I do about giving it back to him? I know you say 1 day, 3 days, 7 days as far as punishment but this is a little different. I told him not to quit his current job until he found another one but he did anyway. Thanks for any input.

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Hi D.,

Re: What is your opinion on all this? You are exactly right on track (I guess you just needed to hear it from someone else). Is it possible that you are taking on too much responsibility? And if so, is this helping - or making matters worse?

He can ride his bike ...or walk ...or take a bus …or get a friend to drive him to look for work. As soon as he finds another job, he gets his car back.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger!

Dear Mark,

Had to write to tell you that we have completed your course. Other parents need to know it is not an easy change to make but as you explained it was well worth it. I know that we will still experience some bumpy times but we are feeling a bit more confident as we continue to practice the skills. Our household is certainly seeing the difference and we feel more prepared to deal with our 15 year old daughter as she progresses through these teenage years.

A lot of what we learned has also enabled us to utilize it with our two sons who are in their 20s as well. One thing I think we especially learned was that it is never too late to be an assertive parent and be a change agent in our children's lives. You do have to recognize when you aren't being assertive and willing to make the needed changes for your sake and theirs, too.

Although we have a meeting with a probation officer in a couple of weeks as a consequence to our daughter’s choice to runaway we are comfortable in knowing we did what we had to do for her. We understand that she is scared, that she is making excuses for her actions and that she is looking to blame others for what she did. She also "hates us and does not want to live with us" but she is more cooperative with us these days.

If you have any advice or guidance for us regarding this probation meeting we would appreciate it.

She has gone so far as to say she wasn't running away she just wanted to get out of the house. What she doesn't quite get yet is that she left after I was in bed, after curfew, and to her 15 year old "boyfriend's" home where a man (not her "boyfriend's" father) lives with the "boyfriend's" unmarried mother and the "boyfriend's" 6 younger brothers. This man just got out of prison, and is currently on probation, for cocaine dealing and possession. When we were phoning all of her friends and we called the boyfriend’s home we were told she was not there. That is were the police picked her up.

She is in love so nothing else matters. Being brought home by a county officer, having us search through her belongings, being told she is now in the "system" and if she does it again she will also put her friends in jeopardy did not phase her too much that day. In the days that ensued, she did open up to us a little bit more although the "boyfriend's" feelings are still more important to her these days.

After reading your autonomy section under Summary Points, the muddy waters cleared for us even further. We have re-instituted family meetings with ALL members of the family as much as possible so that no one is singled out. We have established a family support system and letting all of them know there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Running away will not solve anything. House rules, fair-fighting, decision-making, etc. have been established. We continue to do your assignments and are getting better at them, too.

Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger! We remind each other about the "arts" of saying yes and no. We work together on earned privileges and consequences. We've learned more than we want to know about "underground punk". Most of all, we are hopeful that there will be living left for us when the kids all leave home because before that we felt drained. They do all leave home, eventually, don't they?

Just kidding, as we do believe assertive parenting will accomplish that. It is interesting, though, how you can fall into passive or aggressive parenting easily if you are not on guard. It is easier to see it in other parents first. Thanks again for your program and knowing that you will be there for us in the days, weeks and months ahead.

If there is anything we can do to "give back" please let us know. We do plan to "pay it forward" and steer parents to your program if they ask us how we managed to cope with our out-of-control teenager.

Sincerely,

G. & J.

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Hi G.,

Thank you for your kind words. Parents like you give me the inspiration to continue in this line of work. You are a good student and a great parent! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Re: If you have any advice or guidance for us regarding this probation meeting we would appreciate it.

Just remind yourself that you are doing this out of a loving, caring heart …remind yourself that you are saving your daughter from some very significant long-term, major pain by holding her accountable -- even though the accountability will cause her some short-term, minor pain …and remind yourself that “assertive” parents reap great rewards in the long run.

You are simply doing the right thing,

Mark

Online Parent Support

I looked in and found a knife...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for your reply. It seems to be working for now and she hasn't asked about it again. I routinely look through my daughter's room. If she has drugs or alcohol in the house, I take it away and tell her that it is not acceptable for her to have these things. Last night she left her dresser drawer open and I looked in and found a knife, a large sharp kitchen knife, which is not from my home. My first thoughts are that she is holding on to it for someone or she stole it (but why?). It is a weapon and I think I should take it to the police. If it were a gun, I would take it to the police. I haven't spoken to her about it yet. What do you suggest?

The other major issue with our daughter is school. She failed so badly at her last high school that they do not want her back and I think it would be best for her to make a fresh start. However, her motivation is zero. I want her to take control of her schooling and choose where she wants to go but I worry that she is not capable of making this decision. Should we set a deadline for her to get organized and if she doesn't we take over?

H.

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Hi H.,

Re: drugs or alcohol? Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4; online version of the eBook; look for “drug abuse”]. This problem is covered in that section.

Re: What do you suggest? I would just confiscate the knife.

Re: school. Heather, this too is covered in the eBook. Please refer to the same section listed above [“Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents”; Session #4; online version of the eBook; look for “Poor Academic Performance].

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens & Stealing Money

Mark, I have just got to the bit about fair fighting and positive framing, really interesting and I can see how it would work a lot of the time but one of the biggest areas of conflict between my son and me is money, however much he gets he always wants more and will steal from me or his older brother and sister to get it. He has just stolen £370 from his brother's bank account by taking the card and pin no from the post. I can see how I can frame the action positively but how can I make a win win solution for him. He has had his allowance stopped until the money is paid, he is taking some out of his savings (controlled by absent father) but even so he will be weeks without money while he pays it back, I know he will take any opportunity he can to steal but I don't see how i can give him money even if he was willing to do chores, that seems disrespectful to his brother who worked two part time jobs to get the money. Help?! C.

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Dealing with Severe and Persistent Temper Tantrums

Hi Mark,

My mother S___ talked to you and then bought your program for my wife J___ and I. We have two boys Sammy 8 and Andy 4 (turns 5 Aug 20). Both of our boys have tons of energy and are very strong-willed. We're concerned about Andy's behavior however, we're optimistic that the program will also help Sammy. We've worked through Session 1 and 2 and have experienced some positive results despite the opposition at times. Our new "outlook" has not been popular especially with Sammy.

Andy can be having a wonderful day and then suddenly "snap" and go into another place where he is defiant, annoying, and ignores any type of authority or discipline. He will lose one toy after another and not seem to care. He will not stay in a time out. He's aggressive and borderline abusive with our dog, his brother etc. He can get very physical. He gets this Jack Nicholson (shining) look on his face. He even does the eye roll. It's like a switch has been thrown and nothing can turn it around. Yesterday the "switch" was thrown over getting dressed. He wanted to put on his pajamas. Jackie said "no" that he needed put on clothes for the day.

He will be entering kindergarten this fall (three weeks). Although he is not interested in the academics, he's big for his age, extremely athletically talented and very social. Until summer, he had been attending a pre-school three days a week. All of his caregivers are totally convinced that he is ready to go even though he is young. We're very concerned about his behavior once he starts school.

We were first alerted of his behavior weirdness while he was at preschool. The caregiver lost control of him completely as he trashed the place, hurt other kids and scratched, and pinched her. Up until then, they praised his behavior and never had any issues with him. He was a great, mellow, happy baby.

The 2nd red flag involved Andy attending a two week day camp for 5 yr. olds. We thought this would be a wonderful social opportunity for him to prep for kindergarten. It was an absolute disaster. Two young, rookie councelors had 12 kids. We barely made it through the first 4 days before the 3 day weekend. Although the program was totally unorganized, Andy was defiant, showed no respect for the councelors and was "not nice" to his fellow campers. We pulled him after the 1st day of week two when I got a call that Andy was completely out of control and hurting other kids and the councelors.

It seems as though if there's any hint of lack of control, he'll do whatever it takes to escalate the issue, or get control himself. Once he's in the zone, it seems that nothing will get through to him. He doesn't compute consequences to promote good behavior. This throws him into rage and he acts out even more.

Sammy has always demanded an extreme amount of attention and because he's older and very athletically gifted as well, he's been in the spot light. We've really tried to give both of our kids equal attention and praise. It seems as though we've been over the top on the praise. Sammy and Andy fight and play wrestle quite a bit and it always leads to someone upset or crying. Sammy is not very nice to his little brother as he sees him as annoying. Andy of course provokes and pushes all of the right buttons.

So here's an introduction to our challenges. I'm sure you'll have questions, but we're stuck on what to do in the heat of the moment, when he's in the zone. He could care less if we take away all of his toys. Last night, I led him into the car, buckled him in and told him that he was going somewhere else to live, that he obviously didn't want to live with us, respect us or listen to us. I was prepared to drive down to the police station, when he finally snapped out of it, started crying and climbed out of the car and ran back into the house. He quickly picked up the board game that he had dumped got ready for bed and seemed sincerely sorry for how he had behaved. However, Jackie informed me that he was unaffected this morning and refusing to put on his clothes.

There you have it. We'd love some feedback. We're excited about your program and we want to get our kids back on track. Thanks for listening.

D.

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Hi D.,

So we’re talking basic temper tantrums here. Here is a list of ways to avoid and also deal with temper tantrums:

1. Allow a grace period before an activity ends - This is one that I have started doing constantly with our grandson, Jake, and it has worked wonders for us. Carry a timer or even use the alarm on a cell phone. Tell your kid for example "OK you have 5 minutes left to watch TV before bed. When the alarm goes off then time is up". I normally play the alarm to let Jake know what it will sound like before I set it.

2. Allow options! - Give a little leeway and allow your kid to make some choices for himself. Ask "Do you want to wear the green shirt or the blue shirt today?" Allowing your kid to be active in choices when appropriate will help to prevent power struggles.

3. Count - If you kid is starting to get worked up step aside with your kid and say "Lets count". This will help to distract your kid and refocus his mind on something else. Count with your kid until he calms down. Then you can calmly discuss the situation that caused a tantrum if needed.

4. Distraction - If a situation is getting touchy and you know that your kid will throw a tantrum redirect their attention immediately. If it’s raining outside and the kid is throwing a tantrum to go outside think of an indoor activity that your kid loves and suggest it instead.

5. Do not reward - Don't reward your kid after a tantrum. They may associate tantrums with ways to get better treats.

6. Don't ask! - Avoid arguments that will lead to tantrums by NOT asking your kid to do something that they have to do. Don't ask "Ready to brush your teeth?" Instead say "OK time to brush your teeth now."

7. Establish a reward system for good behavior - Set up a chart with your kid’s name on it and squares for each day of the week. Buy some stickers that your kid likes. When your kid has a good day have him place a "reward sticker" on the square for that day. You can offer different rewards for different amounts of stickers. We offer Jake a prize day where if he has had good behavior for the week then we will get him a "prize" while he is at school. We have done toys (small toys like cars, trucks, etc), movies, and books.

8. Establish a routine and stick to it! - This can help eliminate many many nighttime tantrums. Once your kid learns what is expected to happen there will be less of a struggle and less tantrums.

9. Ignore - Sometimes its best to ignore a tantrum that is being thrown for the sole purpose to attract your attention. Tell your kid that when he decides to act appropriate then you will pay attention. After the kid has finished the tantrum then provide the attention wanted.

10. Never give in - Giving in to a tantrum will only encourage the behavior and will result in the kid throwing tantrums more often. If your kid knows that you will cave if he throws a tantrum then it will most likely happen anytime you refuse to give something wanted.

11. Remain Calm - I know it’s hard to do, but if you remain calm then it will help to shorten your kid’s tantrum and help keep you sane. Spanking or yelling at your kid while he is throwing a tantrum will only make the tantrum worse and cause you to become madder.

12. Reward positive behavior - Positive re-enforcement of good behavior is a good way to prevent tantrums. Kids will want to make you happy and if you are super excited about good behavior they will try to repeat. "Great job sharing your toys!"

13. Tolerance - How many times do you say NO to your kid each day? Avoid fighting over minor things to help prevent tantrums.

Remember to ignore the disapproving glances by others in the stores if your kid is throwing a tantrum. Handle the tantrum appropriately and remember that they have either been in the same situation with their kid or its been so long since they had to deal with a tantrum that they have forgotten what its like. It will take some time but being consistent with how you handle tantrums will help to eliminate most if not all of them in the future!

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Grounded for 2 months?!

Hi Mark, I'm asking for some advice regarding a certain situation with my son. I had given you a little background in an e-mail I sent you earlier this week. My son is 15, has a girlfriend, and since she has come into his life, my son has changed quite a bit. The girl and her family are not the kind of people I care to have my son spending time with. She has an older brother, and he is a very negative influence on my son. He lives the "thug" life, acts like a thug, and I simply don't trust him. He is soon to be 18, lives at home with his family, doesn't have a job, and just recently received his GED. He's very "sneaky" in the way he acts. I have my suspicions that this boy has influenced my son with things like drinking, cigarettes, and possibly marijuana. I have no proof, but I have my suspicions. My son is grounded at this time for sneaking out of his bedroom window and going to his girlfriend's. The mother and girlfriend both lied to me when I called the morning I realized he wasn't in his room. This being said, my concern is when school starts on August 25th, and my son is back into his "school routine", he will be associating with his girlfriend once again. I told him he would be grounded for 2 months, and he told me that he WON'T be grounded during school. He will come home at 5:30 for dinner (this has always been a non-negotiable rule with me) but other than that, he will do what he wants after school. He said if my husband or myself goes to school to pick him up, he will just "wave at us and walk by". I know I need to be careful what I say about his girlfriend and her family, because I don't want him to rebel in an extreme way. If I were to tell him that he is forbidden to spend time with them, I'm sure he will do whatever he has to do, to get away from me/us, and go over there. What is your advice for this situation? I'm really dreading school starting. Thank you, M.

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Hi M.,

Grounded for 2 months?!

No offense, but it doesn’t sound as though you watched all the Instructional Videos in the online version of the eBook?

All parents dread the day when their son or daughter comes home with a new love interest. There will be many relationships that you know will not work out. And while you might be tempted to share your opinion with your child, I would suggest you didn’t. One point I can’t stress enough is to never tell your child you disapprove of his girlfriend. 

This will only make him that much more attracted to her. If he asks your opinion, you can say that the girl isn’t the person you would have chosen for him, but it’s his life and he has to figure that out for himself. If you keep telling him how bad of a person his new fling is, she could turn out to be your daughter-in-law. 

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I know this from first hand experience. My wife hated my daughter’s high school boyfriend - even forbid her from seeing him. All this did was make her want to see him even more. At one point my daughter said to me, “When my boyfriend and I would have disagreements, I would not see that the relationship wasn’t working. I would only see that I had to make it work to keep mom from knowing she was right about him all along.” 

You have a Romeo & Juliet phenomenon on your hands that will need to be diffused (if not, they will work harder at sneaking rendezvous behind your back). Unfortunately, if your son wants to be with someone -- he'll find a way, no matter what you say or do. Parents can only guide their children in the right direction and hope for the best. If they do a good job, their children will make the right decision all on their own.

Since you will not be successful at keeping those two apart, you must adopt a philosophy of “if you can’t beat ‘em - join ‘em.” In other words, they should be able to see one another within limits, and you decide what those limits are. Maybe your limits will look something like this: 

 · They can be together at your house only during those times that you are home and can monitor their behavior (if not, she has to leave).

 · Or you could schedule some activity for them in which you would be a distant chaperon (e.g., take them to a shopping plaza and tell them to meet you back at the coffee shop in exactly one hour). 

 · Or your son is allowed to go over to her house for a designated time period (if he violates the time limit, there is a consequence that is commensurate with the “crime”).

 Figure out a way for your son to see his g-friend in a way that will keep him safe. This is the best you will be able to do. Otherwise, you are likely to get sucked into weeks – if not months – of power struggles. 

 Mark

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Emotional Bullying

Hi Mark— I want to start by thanking you again for your continued support and constant flow of information on your website. I have just completed the program and have seen positive changes in my 11-year-old son at home. He still continues to CONSTANTLY ANNOY others and put them down. He does this to his friends and other children in our neighborhood. He has been tackled two times this summer because of his mouth. I do not know what to do. I know that he is constantly putting down people because of his own self-esteem. We are trying hard to follow all steps of the program. I review them several times a week. Please let me know if there is something else we can do to help him not to make fun of people and feel better about himself. Thank you. J.

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