I am heartened by the progress so far...

Hi Mark,

It is pleasing to see that K is modifying his behaviour - nothing else worked, but this program certainly does! He chose to test whether the consequences would be enforced, and when he lost his phone for 48 hrs for the second time in a week, instead of punching the wall, he ended up crying. And I could remain calm, and acknowledge it was distressing, but that the good news was, it never had to happen again, if he followed the few basic rules that were set.

I know it has to get worse before it gets better, and I am heartened by the progress so far.

Online Parent Support

He can’t seem to handle anything not going his way...

Hi Mark

Thank you for all that information re school – it’s enormously helpful.

I have to ask if you might be able to help with a question about public ‘meltdowns’. I don’t know how to handle this situation and it seems to be getting worse. He can’t seem to handle anything not going his way or anyone daring to do something other than what suits him or benefits him. We had another one on the weekend where at football he was put into a position he didn’t like for the first quarter. At the end of the quarter he yelled rudely at the coach to move him. The coach then quite rightly and calmly put him on the bench for the next quarter. He sat there crying and fuming and carrying on about how unfair, everyone’s got it in for him, why me, coach hates me etc. etc. Tried to explain it was only about everyone taking their turn in all positions etc. but then he just became aggressive and insulting to me. It’s a typical scenario. Do I just implement the ‘when I want something from my child’ strategy? (Ie I want him to calm down and be sensible.) Then do I just ignore him if he doesn’t? Or punish him after? I really need guidance on this one.

Thanks again,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: Do I just implement the 'when I want something from my child' strategy?
 

Yes.

Re: (Ie I want him to calm down and be sensible.)
 

No. "If you choose to ________ (be specific here, for example: hit, push, yell, etc.) ...then you'll choose the consequence, which is ____ (pick the least restrictive consequence first).”

Re: Then do I just ignore him if he doesn't?
 

No. Follow through with the consequence.

Re: Or punish him after?
 

Yes (actually you’ll be disciplining rather than punishing).

You may be making this more difficult than it needs to be. Do you get upset when your son gets upset? If so, this is adding fuel to the fire (remember to use your poker face). Simply use the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" exactly as it is laid out.

Keep up the good work,

Mark

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That’s clear thanks Mark.

And I apologise, I should have mentioned our successes. Last week, our son received a merit award at school assembly for his ‘amazing improvements’ in class. He was also sent to the headmaster to show him a piece of creative writing he’d done, which was beautiful, detailed and above all way beyond what he was asked to do (he had been doing absolute minimum, and nowhere near what he is capable of). The headmaster wrote him a note of congratulations, which he proudly brought home. Mark, I just want you to know this is completely unprecedented. I believe it is entirely due to the changes we’ve made at home by following the program . As you mentioned, it is going to take some time to turn around behaviour that has become habit over 11 years, and I’m sure there are continuing challenges ahead, but we really want to thank you this program, and the insight and support it provides.

Best regards,

L.

My Out-of-Control Child

Manipulating Parents After Divorce

Question

Dear Mr. Hutton, I just finished reading session 1. I know my daughter has been over-indulged and she possesses most of the personality characteristics you describe as a result of this style of parenting. I definitely want to stop the "free handouts" and foster self-reliance in my daughter as well as my other two children. The problem is I am recently divorced and my ex-husband does everything you describe in the permissive, self-indulgent parenting style. I think he is doing this to be "popular" , "win our daughter over" and to make up for feelings of "guilt" he must have for committing adultery. He is currently taking me to court to gain full physical and legal custody of this 12-year-old daughter only. I believe this is too reduce his financial support to me. We have two other younger children together ages 9 and 5 years old. I also have a restraining order against him. My point in telling you this is that I cannot discuss parenting issues with my ex-husband.
 

My question is when I refuse to buy "handouts" for my daughter she does not care or have a need to earn money because she can receive the "handout" from her father on her next visitation day. For example, I offered to buy her basic jeans (she needed new pants to wear) at Walmart but she wanted "designer jeans" from Macy's. Her father bought her the "designer jeans" at Macy's on his next visitation day with her. This daughter also wants to live with her father. I feel this is because she can "run free" and have minimal rules as well as have all the material things she wants. I really need your program because she has become a "nightmare" for me to parent. She is using the divorce to manipulate what she wants from everyone. Is there any way I can foster self-reliance in my children? My counselor told me that no parenting program I use will work because my ex-husband undermines it with his permissive style of parenting. I want to have "hope"! Thanks for your time.
 

Answer

When parents disagree about discipline, the underlying issue is often a conflict in parenting styles. Parenting styles develop in a complex process from childhood history to adult knowledge and experience. Because parenting styles are rooted in individual belief systems, polarization and conflict are common when parents' styles differ. 

The most common conflict occurs between parenting couples who have authoritarian and indulgent styles. The authoritarian parent is adult-centered and high in control efforts. The indulgent parent is child-centered and low in control efforts. 

While these two styles are opposites at their core, they can find common ground. The way to resolve this conflict is for both parents to take one step to the more balanced and healthy authoritative parenting style. 

The authoritarian parent can move toward authoritativeness by becoming more child-centered. This parent should take time to listen to the child and invite the child's input into family activities and decision-making. He or she should seek out knowledge of normal child development to better understand the child's abilities and needs. Finally, this parent should spend more time with the child in mutually pleasurable pastimes, finding ways to enter the child's world and understand the child's point of view. 

The indulgent parent can move toward authoritativeness by becoming more demanding of the child. The indulgent parent should practice saying 'no' to the child. He or she should seek out knowledge of effective child discipline strategies and use them to address misbehavior. Finally, this parent should focus on helping the child build skills of self-control and adult and peer interactions. Teach the child to respect the authority of adults in his world; to understand consequences and control impulses; and, to develop good relationships with peers. 

Conflict between authoritarian and indulgent parents will not subside without effort from both parents. It's not so much about compromise as it is about learning from each other. Belief systems about parenting can remain intact while both parents learn new skills.
 

Kids learn to manipulate their parents following a divorce, gaining more control of their situation in a two-household family. 

The majority of adolescents actively interpret their parents' behaviors in order to manage relationships to their perceived advantage. The kids gather and interpret info about parents, dodge questions, engineer images of themselves, parry parents' probes, maneuver between households, and cut ties with parents to exert their own authority.
 

Several strategies are used:

• Cutting one parent completely out of their life; the process allows the child to control when and where they have contact with one of the parents.
• Moving from one home to another. Children will often move into the home of the parent who is less controlling in order to punish the other parent or to escape a situation they do not like.
• Withholding info from one parent to avoid punishment or solidify a relationship. Since there is less communication between parents following divorce, the child can gain upper hand by controlling the info flow. 

None of these options would be available to a child in a single household with two parents.
 

It’s surprising how many children learn to manipulate their parents after a divorce. Some parents have the attitude that their children would never do so, but it is common. They may see it as a viable avenue to get their own way. Young children do it as well as older children. The difference is the way they go about it and what they are attempting to get out of the deal.

It is understandable why parents would fall for this though. After all, they don't want their children to be traumatized by what has taken place. They want to see their children happy and thriving in their environment. Make sure you are consistent with the rules you have set for your children though. They may come to you and say a later curfew or hanging out with friends without adult supervision makes them feel better. This is just a ploy to get you to let them do what they want to do.

You should expect your child to attempt to test the limits though. They may tell you they want to go live with their other parent when you don't give in to them. This is going to hurt you and they know it. Stand firm and tell them you are sorry they feel that way but that you are sticking by your decision. If you can work out similar rules at both homes with your ex this issue will be eliminated for both of you.

It is true that children can have conflicts in life that are a direct result of the divorce. For example your child may have drop in their grades or changes in their attitude. While you need to understand this, they need to know that the divorce isn't an excuse for letting things go. They still need to be doing their homework and they still need to be respecting you. They need to help out at home and do what is asked of them without problems.

Make sure you understand the difference between what your children need and when they are attempting to get one over on you. They may find your defenses are down after a divorce and use it to their benefit. Don't be too hard on your children if you find out this is what is going on. Let them know you are disappointed though and that they aren't going to be allowed to continue doing it.

One of the reasons why children are able to successfully manipulate their parents after a divorce is due to the parents feeling inadequate. They don't want to let their children down any more than they feel they already have. They also have a fear that their children won't love them as much as the other parent if they don't give in to their desires. That isn't the reality of it though.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

He quit his job for some reason...

Let me say you and your ebook have been a big help to me. I can use some advice. My son took his mother’s credit card, charged up about 200 dollars worth of stuff. He admitted to doing it. He had a job at the time and I was of course going to make him pay for the charges. In the mean time, he quit his job for some reason. I have taken his car away from him and am in the process of cutting his cell phone off. He is 17 and I am sure his next response will be that he just won’t go back for his senior year of high school. That would devastate me, but I feel it is now his choice, and if he drops put of school, it's welcome to the real world. What is your opinion on all this? Let me admit to having been an overindulging parent over the years.

One more question. I took his car because he his responsible for making the payments. What should I do about giving it back to him? I know you say 1 day, 3 days, 7 days as far as punishment but this is a little different. I told him not to quit his current job until he found another one but he did anyway. Thanks for any input.

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Hi D.,

Re: What is your opinion on all this? You are exactly right on track (I guess you just needed to hear it from someone else). Is it possible that you are taking on too much responsibility? And if so, is this helping - or making matters worse?

He can ride his bike ...or walk ...or take a bus …or get a friend to drive him to look for work. As soon as he finds another job, he gets his car back.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger!

Dear Mark,

Had to write to tell you that we have completed your course. Other parents need to know it is not an easy change to make but as you explained it was well worth it. I know that we will still experience some bumpy times but we are feeling a bit more confident as we continue to practice the skills. Our household is certainly seeing the difference and we feel more prepared to deal with our 15 year old daughter as she progresses through these teenage years.

A lot of what we learned has also enabled us to utilize it with our two sons who are in their 20s as well. One thing I think we especially learned was that it is never too late to be an assertive parent and be a change agent in our children's lives. You do have to recognize when you aren't being assertive and willing to make the needed changes for your sake and theirs, too.

Although we have a meeting with a probation officer in a couple of weeks as a consequence to our daughter’s choice to runaway we are comfortable in knowing we did what we had to do for her. We understand that she is scared, that she is making excuses for her actions and that she is looking to blame others for what she did. She also "hates us and does not want to live with us" but she is more cooperative with us these days.

If you have any advice or guidance for us regarding this probation meeting we would appreciate it.

She has gone so far as to say she wasn't running away she just wanted to get out of the house. What she doesn't quite get yet is that she left after I was in bed, after curfew, and to her 15 year old "boyfriend's" home where a man (not her "boyfriend's" father) lives with the "boyfriend's" unmarried mother and the "boyfriend's" 6 younger brothers. This man just got out of prison, and is currently on probation, for cocaine dealing and possession. When we were phoning all of her friends and we called the boyfriend’s home we were told she was not there. That is were the police picked her up.

She is in love so nothing else matters. Being brought home by a county officer, having us search through her belongings, being told she is now in the "system" and if she does it again she will also put her friends in jeopardy did not phase her too much that day. In the days that ensued, she did open up to us a little bit more although the "boyfriend's" feelings are still more important to her these days.

After reading your autonomy section under Summary Points, the muddy waters cleared for us even further. We have re-instituted family meetings with ALL members of the family as much as possible so that no one is singled out. We have established a family support system and letting all of them know there is no shame in asking for help when you need it. Running away will not solve anything. House rules, fair-fighting, decision-making, etc. have been established. We continue to do your assignments and are getting better at them, too.

Best of all, this has made our marriage stronger! We remind each other about the "arts" of saying yes and no. We work together on earned privileges and consequences. We've learned more than we want to know about "underground punk". Most of all, we are hopeful that there will be living left for us when the kids all leave home because before that we felt drained. They do all leave home, eventually, don't they?

Just kidding, as we do believe assertive parenting will accomplish that. It is interesting, though, how you can fall into passive or aggressive parenting easily if you are not on guard. It is easier to see it in other parents first. Thanks again for your program and knowing that you will be there for us in the days, weeks and months ahead.

If there is anything we can do to "give back" please let us know. We do plan to "pay it forward" and steer parents to your program if they ask us how we managed to cope with our out-of-control teenager.

Sincerely,

G. & J.

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Hi G.,

Thank you for your kind words. Parents like you give me the inspiration to continue in this line of work. You are a good student and a great parent! Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Re: If you have any advice or guidance for us regarding this probation meeting we would appreciate it.

Just remind yourself that you are doing this out of a loving, caring heart …remind yourself that you are saving your daughter from some very significant long-term, major pain by holding her accountable -- even though the accountability will cause her some short-term, minor pain …and remind yourself that “assertive” parents reap great rewards in the long run.

You are simply doing the right thing,

Mark

Online Parent Support

I looked in and found a knife...

Dear Mr. Hutten,

Thank you for your reply. It seems to be working for now and she hasn't asked about it again. I routinely look through my daughter's room. If she has drugs or alcohol in the house, I take it away and tell her that it is not acceptable for her to have these things. Last night she left her dresser drawer open and I looked in and found a knife, a large sharp kitchen knife, which is not from my home. My first thoughts are that she is holding on to it for someone or she stole it (but why?). It is a weapon and I think I should take it to the police. If it were a gun, I would take it to the police. I haven't spoken to her about it yet. What do you suggest?

The other major issue with our daughter is school. She failed so badly at her last high school that they do not want her back and I think it would be best for her to make a fresh start. However, her motivation is zero. I want her to take control of her schooling and choose where she wants to go but I worry that she is not capable of making this decision. Should we set a deadline for her to get organized and if she doesn't we take over?

H.

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Hi H.,

Re: drugs or alcohol? Please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents” [Session #4; online version of the eBook; look for “drug abuse”]. This problem is covered in that section.

Re: What do you suggest? I would just confiscate the knife.

Re: school. Heather, this too is covered in the eBook. Please refer to the same section listed above [“Read These Emails From Exasperated Parents”; Session #4; online version of the eBook; look for “Poor Academic Performance].

Mark

Online Parent Support

Teens & Stealing Money

Mark, I have just got to the bit about fair fighting and positive framing, really interesting and I can see how it would work a lot of the time but one of the biggest areas of conflict between my son and me is money, however much he gets he always wants more and will steal from me or his older brother and sister to get it. He has just stolen £370 from his brother's bank account by taking the card and pin no from the post. I can see how I can frame the action positively but how can I make a win win solution for him. He has had his allowance stopped until the money is paid, he is taking some out of his savings (controlled by absent father) but even so he will be weeks without money while he pays it back, I know he will take any opportunity he can to steal but I don't see how i can give him money even if he was willing to do chores, that seems disrespectful to his brother who worked two part time jobs to get the money. Help?! C.

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