$50 for each A ?!

On the rewards idea for a middle school student: On the final report card: Is giving them $$50 for each A and $$25 for each B too much?

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Actually, I don't recommend paying kids for good grades at all. Once you start down this slippery slope, you have to keep raising the stakes. And once kids get old enough to earn their own money, you lose leverage. Not to mention that this kind of deal doesn't always work.

Child psychologist Sylvia Rimm points out that for high-achieving students, money doesn't matter. And, Rimm says, kids who are underachievers fail because they're inconsistent. So if they slip and get a poor grade, they figure that they're not going to get the reward and give up. Even worse, parents sometimes end up paying them for half measures and the system backfires.

In my experience, paying a compliment is better than paying cash. Reward good grades -- or consistent effort -- by giving your kids a hug, a word of encouragement, or a spontaneous treat -- anything but money. That way kids learn the personal satisfaction that comes with a job well done. Sometimes money can be too powerful a motivator for parents to resist. But even then it seems to work best in small amounts and limited circumstances.

One dad I know came up with a set of financial incentives to reward his 11-year-old son for good study habits and improved grades even if the grades weren't As. But the boy was also motivated by a conscientious teacher and by his dad, who took an interest in his progress.

In every film about kids overcoming odds to reach a goal (think of To Sir, With Love, Stand and Deliver, Hoosiers, Coach Carter), the hero is either an inspirational teacher or a tough-as-nails coach who achieves success by holding the kids to a higher standard -- not by holding out a paycheck.

Mark

Online Parent Support

She gets very angry and frustrated when things don’t go her own way...

Hi Mark

First of all thank you for your programme – from my (albeit limited!) experience we are finding it well constructed, full of common sense and very supportive.

I have a question of how to deal with an aspect of my child’s behaviour in this fairly early stage of the programme:

We are implementing Week 2 (we started 3 weeks ago but my daughter was away for most of last week). Z__ is the 2<sup>nd</sup> of 3 girls. The eldest is nearly 14, Z__ is 11, and her younger sister is nearly 8. For a number of years we have gone through periods of time where Z__’s behaviour has been very difficult. She gets very angry and frustrated when things don’t go her own way, and we have put it down to “middle child syndrome”, although (of course!) we try to treat them all very even-handedly. As these phases have come and gone, we have not taken much action to try to amend our own behaviour. Of course we have tried to analyse why the dynamic has been so difficult. Our eldest child has never been difficult, she is quietly self-confident, mature and quite a calm character. She is also very bright and repeatedly excels in everything she takes on – this in itself is a very difficult act to follow. The youngest still enjoys being the baby of the family, at the same time being very competitive and so always trying to emulate both sisters in both achievements and basic rights (such as bedtimes, etc)

Z__ is a very different character, with different skills and personality. She is not academic in the same way as her older sister, but she is still slightly above the average in class achievements generally. She is a funny, articulate girl who has lots of friends, and is often the centre of the party. She wants to be an actress and is always a star in school drama and speech. At the same time she is quite a shy and not-very-confident person.

Over the last few weeks/months her increase in age (and therefore perceived independence) have lead to an acceleration of difficult behaviour. Having read everything in Weeks 1 and 2, plus a little of 3, I recognise now much of what is going on. She does crave attention of any sort, she goes out of her way to create an argument. We have been over-indulgent of her (well, all 3 really), not so much in terms of “stuff” but mostly allowing them a lot of slack on helping around the house and taking responsibility for themselves and their things. Difficult behaviour has also resulted in us treating her differently – mainly out of trying to avoid the fights but as I can see now, counter-productive. This has of course lead to accusations of us not loving her, the other two being favourites, she has no-one to turn to, etc. I’m sure you’ve heard all this before. Her behaviour is primarily initiating heated verbal arguments with my husband or myself, in which she is extremely articulate if one-sided and ignoring many facts. She does also fight, mainly verbally but also some physical, with her sisters. She does throw things and has maliciously damaged a number of household items as well as sisters, although at this point we have not had to contend with major issues in this area. She has “run away” a couple of times, but this has been posturing more than anything and she has not left the square where we live. Obviously we are anxious that we resolve these issues before things become really destructive.

I am happy following the programme, which has given me a much needed boost in confidence about the path we have to follow. I can see that it will take time, but that with persistence and consistency we will get there. I have also seen that I am not always great at dealing with each situation in the best way/with the right precision of words, and so have missed opportunities already (hopefully I will learn fast!). However, what I would like your advice on is how we deal with the Post-Argument, calm, contrite discussion, which is initiated by her, where she is looking for help and/or an apology, and also probably using it as a guilt trip as well.

During these discussions I have tried to avoid:

1. responding too much to her accusations of our deficiencies

2. pointing out the exaggerations and sweeping generalities she applies (don’t want her to lose face)

3. obviously – getting angry. My poker face is fairly well in place

4. arguing back (very easy for it to deteriorate into a slanging match again)

I have, however, tried to:

1. listen – to always be available to her, not to brush her off with “its way past your bedtime” etc

2. ask lots of questions about what she has said, to try to probe

3. try to reiterate that we do love her, we do support her, she can come to us with problems, etc

I have found that it is all too easy to get into “explaining” my side of a particular issue, in order to try to make her see a different angle. This tends to fail, and then risks becoming a row again.

She point blank refuses to believe that anything we do is with her interests at heart, and although secretly she may know this is not the case, she is resolute at the moment that everything we do is against her. She only picks up on the negatives, refuses to acknowledge any positives.

Should I enter these discussions at all? I don’t feel very equipped to find a win-win resolution currently. One of the difficulties is that most of the issues are quite soft, emotional ones. There are few tangible, factual disagreements that we can easily work on together to find a solution. As most of her stated issues are exaggerated (yes, I do really think that most are), it is difficult to resolve them as they are actually hot air held together with an ancient parental mistake and a good waft of paranoia!

I’m sorry to go on at such length, and I hope it makes sense. If you can help with any tips or pointers I’d be very grateful.

My thanks again and best regards

L.

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Hi L.,

For many years now, you have managed most aspects of Z__’s life. But she is about to reach puberty, and as a result, she will be firing you as her manager any day now (and maybe already has).

Based on what I’ve read in your email, I think you may be trying too hard to save Z__ from emotional discomfort. I would encourage you to ask yourself the question, “Am I taking on too much responsibility for Z__’s feelings and behavior?” She may be milking your kindness for everything it’s worth.

Attempting to “reason with” a strong-willed child is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse.

Your assignment is quite easy to execute:

1. Respond to her appropriate behavior with acknowledgment and praise (i.e., accuse her of being successful, responsible, respectful, pretty, smart, etc.)

2. Respond to her inappropriate behavior with a poker face and a consequence

No lectures …no heart-to-heart talks (unless initiated by her – but even then, don’t “explain” yourself) …no trying to “reason with” or rationalize …no “defending” your position …no repeated and redundant reassurance that she is loved …no “feeling sorry” for …no “feeling guilty” about …etc. When parents do these things, they are in effect providing a lot on intensity and attention at the wrong time, which reinforces the child’s desire for more of this kind of parent-child interaction.

Mark

Online Parent Support

He just wants to hurt me...

My problem is this. Recently my ex-husband let our 14 y/o ride a 4 wheeler without supervision or helmet. He had a bad accident and in the hospital for 8 days. He knows I do not allow this but seems to let him do things like this. Of course you want to be with the parent that lets you roam free. I cannot get him to understand we need to be on the same page. I am willing to compromise, but he just wants to hurt me. I am not sure how to handle this and some of the trouble I have with my son is from this. Any suggestions.

Thanks, M.

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Hi M.,

Parents who have significantly different child-rearing styles are more likely to have kids with behavior problems than families who have similar styles.

A parent who gives in to his kid's every demand in the hope of satisfying them almost always finds that the opposite happens: Instead of letting up, the kids continue to push for more and more, looking for a sign of how much is too much.

A similar thing happens if the parents cannot decide how to discipline and set limits on their kids. It's healthy for kids to see how their parents reach a compromise or settle a disagreement if it's done peacefully and effectively. But if the parents can't reach an agreement, the kid's behavior often gets worse as they search for the reassurance of stable boundaries to their lives.

In those situations, the main issue of using discipline to teach kids appropriate behavior gets lost in the battles between parents for an illusion of control. The kids become confused and respond by continuing to act out, both to assert their own power and to figure out which rules are really important.

It's not surprising that parents have differing views on the best way to discipline their kids. Working out those differences requires clarity and perspective. Safety issues (e.g., "...you have to wear a helmet") should be the first consideration. They also require the greatest amount of agreement from both parents.

Other matters can usually be resolved by agreeing on which parent will set the rules about particular issues. Even so, forming a united front on discipline is often more easily said than done. Here are some ideas that may help:

• Be prepared for behavioral problems. Remember that many changes in kid's behaviors are linked to their stage of normal development. Talk ahead of time about how each of you would handle these predictable situations. That way you'll have fewer conflicts when they occur.

• Don't be trapped by your past. That includes both your own childhood and the style of discipline you may have used in an earlier marriage. Look for ways to explore, with your ex-spouse, your unquestioned assumptions about disciplining kids. One good way to do that is to take a parenting class together. That does two things: It helps you realize how differently other people respond to the same situations you face as parents, and it gives you and your spouse a common base of information from which to develop your shared approaches to discipline.

If your ex will simply not work with you on any level, then bear in mind that a weaker parenting strategy supported by both parents is much better than a stronger strategy supported by only one parent.

Finally, your son will have to learn to operate under two different sets of house rules -- yours and your ex-husband's.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Could he be bipolar?

Hi T.,

== > I’ve commented throughout your email below:

Hi Mark,

A couple of weeks ago I bought your program. Well things are getting worse …my seventeen year old son is out of control.

== > As you may recall from watching the first few Instructional Videos, things do tend to get worse before they get better. This is not uncommon and should be viewed as “progress.”

On June 25 one of his co-workers committed suicide (my son worked with him and knew him well) my son worked with him that day. Since then my son has started drinking while on medication for anger - anxiety …two weeks ago the rage hit with his 23-year-old brother home from out west on vocation. It was really bad as he raged for three hours. Smashing stuff fighting with whoever would be in his way. A full-blown rage of no other kind. I told him in a calm state that the next time this happened I would call the police.

==> Join Online Parent Support 

Today it happened again... he had been at the beach drinking and became agitated this carried home to a full blown rage where kitchen table was upset, coffee tables etc.... you get the picture. I called the police as he would not settle down. The officer with the help of friends was finally able to arrest him. He smashed the side window out of my truck as I tried to leave the gateway shattering glass all over me. Tonight my worst nightmare is true my son is in a youth centre.

== > Good for you for calling the police. He may benefit from both a grief counselor as well as a drug/alcohol program.

Since he required stitches he was taken to the hospital by the police. The officer asked if he should be admitted and given an evaluation but was told by the doctor that was not necessary.

== > Uh Oh! He definitely needs a comprehensive psychiatric evaluation.

Tomorrow my son will be released with no repercussions only a bruised ego about being arrested (which he blames me for)… my son is a good kid except that he has always had anger issues. I have begged him to go to a counselor to no avail. What next and how do I deal with this… could he be bipolar?

== > This is why he needs an evaluation. A psychiatrist will need to rule out certain things before a proper diagnosis is found.

Tonight he told me after being arrested that it was my fault because I got him to take this medication and that He hates me because I called the police. As you know I love my son dearly and only want help for him. Please advise as soon as possible.

== > I’m guessing that he has been over-indulged for his entire life – and now that you are shifting to a more assertive parenting style, he is having difficulty adapting.

PS you said to find humour in the worst situations, well I did when the officer and my son were wrestling around on the pool deck. The officer was trying to get a grip on my son to hand cuff him when both of them ended up in the pool... imagine the scene. I figured that america's home video would have loved it. Other than that humour I need direction immediately.

== > You should be in week #2 of the program. You’ve got 2 more weeks to go. Watch ALL of the Instructional Videos – and keep up the tough love. Oh …and make sure your son gets an evaluation.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Would it be better to let him learn rather than forcing my beliefs on him?

Mark,

My 14-year-old son found himself a job in June. He works very long hours some days, usually in the hot sun. He gets up on his own, packs his own lunch and is very responsible. This is someone who has been and can still be quite defient.

He has spent nearly all the money he has made. There is a small amount in savings for expenses he must pay soon. He loves to spend and buys a lot of his own meals and snacks. He has also bought things his friends already have. I buy him very little except for birthday and Christmas.

The problem is saving. I originally thought he should save more, but am giving up on the notion. It has caused too many quarrels and doesn't seem to be worth it. He says it is his money and he should get to determine where it goes. He will be paying for basketball shoes and driver's training and anything else coming up soon but will probably run out well before Christmas. He will not be working again until June.

Is he right? It is his money and he works hard for it. I want him to have good habits, but would it be better to let him learn rather than forcing my beliefs on him?

Loving, but frugal Mom

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Hi Frugal Mom,

Re: Is he right? It is his money and he works hard for it. I want him to have good habits, but would it be better to let him learn rather than forcing my beliefs on him?

Great question! And the answer is an unequivocal 'YES'. He's right.

You seem to be doing very well with him overall. Congratulations.

Pick your battles carefully. He will learn how to budget and manage money much better from first-hand experience rather than from motherly lectures.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Conduct Disorder & The "Safety" Issue

Factsheet: Conduct Disorder (CD)

What is CD?

CD is a repetitive and persistent pattern of behavior in kids and adolescents in which the rights of others or basic social rules are violated. The youngster or adolescent usually exhibits these behavior patterns in a variety of settings—at home, at school, and in social situations—and they cause significant impairment in his or her social, academic, and family functioning.

What are the signs and symptoms of CD?

Behaviors characteristic of CD include:

• Serious rule violations, such as staying out at night when prohibited, running away from home overnight, or often being truant from school.
• Non-aggressive conduct that causes property loss or damage, such as fire-setting or the deliberate destruction of others’ property.
• Deceitfulness or theft, such as breaking into someone’s house or car, or lying or “conning” others.
• Aggressive behavior that causes or threatens harm to other people or animals, such as bullying or intimidating others, often initiating physical fights, or being physically cruel to animals.

Many youth with CD may have trouble feeling and expressing empathy or remorse and reading social cues. These youth often misinterpret the actions of others as being hostile or aggressive and respond by escalating the situation into conflict. CD may also be associated with other difficulties such as substance use, risk-taking behavior, school problems, and physical injury from accidents or fights.

How common is CD?

CD is more common among boys than girls, with studies indicating that the rate among boys in the general population ranges from 6% to 16% while the rate among girls ranges from 2% to 9%. CD can have its onset early, before age 10, or in adolescence. Kids who display early-onset CD are at greater risk for persistent difficulties, however, and they are also more likely to have troubled peer relationships and academic problems. Among both boys and girls, CD is one of the disorders most frequently diagnosed in mental health settings.

What does the research say about CD?

Recent research on CD has been very promising. For example, research has shown that most kids and adolescents with CD do not grow up to have behavioral problems or problems with the law as adults; most of these youth do well as adults, both socially and occupationally. Researchers are also gaining a better understanding of the causes of CD, as well as aggressive behavior more generally. CD has both genetic and environmental components. That is, although the disorder is more common among the kids of adults who themselves exhibited conduct problems when they were young, there are many other factors which researchers believe contribute to the development of the disorder. For example, youth with CD appear to have deficits in processing social information or social cues, and some may have been rejected by peers as young kids.

Despite early reports that treatment for this disorder is ineffective, several recent reviews of the literature have identified promising approaches treating kids and adolescents with CD. The most successful approaches intervene as early as possible, are structured and intensive, and address the multiple contexts in which kids exhibit problem behavior, including the family, school, and community. Examples of effective treatment approaches include functional family therapy, multi-systemic therapy, and cognitive behavioral approaches, which focus on building skills such as anger management. Pharmacological intervention alone is not sufficient for the treatment of CD.

CD tends to co-occur with a number of other emotional and behavioral disorders of childhood, particularly Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Mood Disorders (such as depression). Co-occurring CD and substance abuse problems must be treated in an integrated, holistic fashion.

Why are assessment and treatment important?

Assessment and diagnosis of CD—or any emotional or behavioral disorder of childhood—should be done by a mental health professional, preferably one who is trained in children’s mental health. Any diagnosis must be made in consultation with the youngster’s family. The assessment process should include observation of the youngster, discussion with the youngster and family, the use of standardized instruments or structured diagnostic interviews, and history-taking, including a complete medical and family / social history. When assessing and diagnosing any childhood emotional or behavioral disorder, the mental health professional should consider the social and economic context in which a youngster’s behavior occurs.

Accurate assessment and appropriate, individualized treatment will assure that all kids are equipped to navigate the developmental milestones of childhood and adolescence and make a successful adaptation to adulthood. Treatment must be provided in the least restrictive setting possible.

What can I do if I’m concerned about a youngster?

• Consult with a mental health professional, preferably one who is trained in children’s mental health.
• Explore the treatment options available. Treatment must be individualized to meet the needs of each youngster and should be family-centered and developmentally and culturally appropriate.
• Find a family support group or organization in your community.

Online Parent Support

To Snoop or Not To Snoop?

"Should you secretly snoop on your teenage child? I am not talking about where you're open with them about your surveillance. I am talking about clandestine snooping: Reading their e-mail …checking their text messages …reading their diaries …eavesdropping on their conversations with friends …searching their room …searching their jeans -- all in secret."

Click here for the answer...