If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned...

Hi Mark

Thanks for the help and advice you gave me. I did go to the police after my son took that car when I was on holidays. The police would not lay charges because the kid had gone out for 5 mins. and the neighbour called him on the cell phone and told him to get the car right back now! The police told me because they did not have to look for the car they weren't going to do anything. I asked them to come and talk to him then, and they told me that scare tactics like that really don't work with kids any more. The system here sucks. My son is on drugs and he did come home higher then a kite and abusive to me, the one night he didn't come home at all and was at the mall at 2:00 a.m. in the morning and I called him and said that he was to get home and he said that he was not. He came home that morning and slept for 26 hours. The next night I told him that things were going to change etc. like the program talks about, that night he went out I told him to be back at curfew or I would be calling the police as he would be a runaway. He came home stoned, abusive but home before curfew. I took his things away, t.v., cell phone, computer and he was very abusive to me calling me everything in the book, I used the technique I am not going to argue etc. He phoned his friends mom then and asked her if she still had that room for him at her place and she said sure I will send my kid over to get you and your stuff right away and off he went.

He stayed at this home and 2 weeks ago at 3:30 a.m there is this banging and the doorbell ringing non stop we jumped out of bed and there was Chris at the door. Crying and telling us that he was in so much trouble he had taken 4 grams of mushrooms and he was scared that he was having trouble breathing. We called the Crisis Centre and they got a bed ready for him at the detox centre to monitor him and get him counselling for his drug problem. He started smoking up in March of this year and it was downhill from there. When we were on the phone with the Crisis Centre to get Chris help which he asked for the daughter of this mother that he was staying at called she was higher then a kite asking for her brother Andrew and she called twice until I told my husband that it must be the daughter at this house. I *69 on the phone to get the number and sure enough she got high with Chris that night and she was scared to. Chris stayed at the detox for 2 day and he told us when we went to visit that he was scared there and we prayed with him and we told him that this was the best placed for him to get better. The 2nd night after we left he called this mother to come and get him and she did. It is a voluntary programs here and the kid can sign themselves out and the parent has no rights. I called the 3rd day in the morning to see how he was and they told me he was gone. I phoned the mother and she said that he was scared there and that she was going to take him to NA meetings and go with him. That she loves him and wants to adopt him.

When I had gone over the day he was admitted to the detox to get some clothes at first she would not give me anything then she said she would only give me a few things 2 tshirts and a pair of underwear and that was all. She didn't even ask me how he was, just that I was not to say anything negative about him and that anything I said she was going right back and telling him and that she loves him and wants to adopt him, when I said we needed to get him help. When I called her that morning I found out that she picked him up and I told her she needed to wake up and that her own kids were on drugs and that I was on the phone with her on kid from 4:00 a.m .until 8:00 a.m. making sure she was okay.

Our family doctor got us an addiction counsellor and we have been going as a family. There is alcoholism on both sides of the family and it goes a couple of generations back. I do not drink and my husband has a beer now and then and that it is. Our family lives were a living hell.

Chris decided that he wanted to get his own townhouse with 2 friends (they do not do drugs) and a few days before he went on this 2 day binge and came to our door he had asked me to be the guarantee on this townhouse. I refused and I knew that something was going to happen. My dog was even sitting at the front door like something was about to happen. This mother signed for the townhouse for him. The morning I phoned her, I asked her why she took him out and she said he wanted to come home and I said what do you think you are doing that we are not doing, she said she is there for him. Well where was she at 3:30 in the morning when he was scared and need our help. What I can't get over is that Chris didn't like her kids and the older one was always bullying him at church youth group and my friends son went along to protect him.

Chris has moved into the townhouse now, he has told my husband that I never talk to him. When I see him, I just say Hi and wave and keep going. He has told me that when I talk to him like tonight for example we phoned to say hi and how are things going, I asked him if the things that counsellor was teaching him to do was working and he said that it is hard to stop. I said maybe he needs to hang with the kids that are not into this life style and that to keep busy maybe take a course to keep busy and that he has potential and he got mad at me and said we were having a nice conversation and now I was lecturing again and that when I do this it only makes him want to go out and get stoned again. He told me tonight doesn't want me to say he has potential or anything like that and I am not to talk about his friends. I did not cut up his friends, I am afraid to talk to him because he lays this guilt trip on me and I am afraid it will set him off on a binge. The other week he told me that I don't talk to him and it was like I had given up on him. If I encourage him I am damned and if I don't am damned. After counselling last week, he gave me a hug and said that he knows that it was the drugs that had come between us.

Do you have any words of advice on this?

Thanks, A.

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Keep your end of the conversation very short and simple. Tell him you love him …miss him …and hope he is doing well. That’s about it. If your side of the conversation goes more than 30 seconds – then you’ve gone too long. Less is better at this point. You’ll know when your son wants more words from you, but until then, keep it short and sweet.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I cannot find any instructional video...

G'day

I just joined/purchased and have commenced reading through. I find that each page says 'Instructional video #1" etc, but I cannot find any instructional video. Would you please let me know what I need to do to change in my settings.
Ta,
P.

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Hi P.,

You had me worried there for a minute. I checked ...and the videos are still there. Does your computer run slow perhaps?

Mark

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G'day Mark,

I have attached screen shots of the first page and the introduction page.

As you will see there is a big gap in the beginning of the introduction page that I am assuming is where the video is - this is the same for all the other pages as well.

Any suggestions?

Cheers, P. :o)

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Hi P.,

If you have a slow computer, the videos may take awhile to load. Here are some suggestions that may speed things up a bit:

1. First, try rebooting your computer (i.e., turn it off, then back on) before viewing the videos.

2. Use Mozilla Firefox 3 as your main web browser. It is much faster than Internet Explorer. Click here for a free download ==> http://www.mozilla.com/en-US/firefox/

3. Close all other browser windows other than the page with the video you want to view.

4. Free up disk space. By freeing disk space, you can improve the performance of your computer. The Disk Cleanup tool on your computer helps you free up space on your hard disk. The utility identifies files that you can safely delete, and then enables you to choose whether you want to delete some or all of the identified files. Use Disk Cleanup to:

•	Remove temporary Internet files.
•	Remove downloaded program files (such as Microsoft ActiveX controls and Java applets).
•	Empty the Recycle Bin.
•	Remove Windows temporary files.
•	Remove optional Windows components that you don't use.
•	Remove installed programs that you no longer use.

5. Your computer will also load many programs at startup you probably do not need. You can run the Microsoft Configuration utility to prevent these programs from loading into memory. To do so, go to Start>Run and type msconfig and hit OK. Under the Startup tab, uncheck any programs you know do not need to load.

6. The most common performance hit comes from viruses and spyware. Make sure you are running an antivirus program like AVG and a spyware program such as Spybot Search and Destroy.

7. You can click on the Google button (lower right corner of each video), which will
take you to Video.Google.com. The videos should run a bit faster when viewed directly from Google.

8. Once the above steps are taken, be sure your computer is in an open space where the fans are clean and working. Heat buildup in a PC will slow the processor and may even cause it to lockup or shutdown.

9. If none of the above works, then you can simply click on the play button, then go feed the cat. By the time you return to the computer, the video should be loaded and ready to view.

I hope this helps,

Mark

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G'day Mark,

Thank you so much for the info.

My husband has the same computer as me, so I tried it on his and his worked fine.

So, I got onto MS website and read up on their help files and did some downloads as a result.

After this was done I got your e-mail, so I also cleaned out my recycle bin - I keep forgetting about that bit and had over 4GB to get rid of!!

The videos on your pages are now coming up with no problems.

Thank you again.

I have already seen an improvement in my ODD/ADHD/Asperger's son after only reading a little bit of your information. My 'normal' daughter who has obviously been feeling neglected will be the type to get worse before better, but at least I now feel as if I can start living again :o)

Cheers, P.

Online Parent Support

Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door...

Hi T. and T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

You seem to be the person with the most sound advice, so we are writing to you again. Our 16 year old has continued to escalate his out of control behavior. We have removed the privilege of having a private bedroom, as recommended, and we have a space for him on a couch. We locked up his room, and we removed all of his attitude clothing and gadgets. He basically has an alarm clock, his school clothes, food, water, and normal household items. There is a posted note on his door telling him simply (and precisely) what he needs to do to get this stuff back. He needs to comply to a three day grounding and avoid swearing and profanity towards his parents. Pretty straight forward, and we even took the time to read it with our best poker faces.

== > O.K. So far …so good.

He has kicked in the door to his room to get some stuff (we didn't have most of his items there), he leaves and comes back after curfew (if at all), he attends school sporadically (he claims to like it), and he is constantly telling his mother to shut up or leave him alone (with profanity) whenever she tries to approach him about anything. We are filing reports (almost daily) with the police and with the juvenile court diversion program (he's currently in) for every rule/law he violates. We also filed a fourth degree misdemeanor domestic violence for pushing his mother around. We even have taken complaints straight to the juvenile court intake officer.

== > You are still greatly on track. I’m proud of you for doing the hard business of employing tough love (which is often tougher on the parent than the child).

They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough. They told us straight out that his most likely outcome is a probation officer that will put him at the bottom of the list of priorities as he hasn't done anything really bad. We keep doing it anyway.

== > Re: They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough.

I would disagree. “Battery” is certainly “bad enough.” Your filed complaint will have its day in court, which may also be the day that your son is placed on probation.

Perhaps no single incident is “bad enough” (other than the battery). However, as you are documenting the events and filing reports, a cumulative effect is taking place under probation’s nose (e.g., one bee sting is meaningless, but 25 bee stings are deadly). Probation will stall as long as they can (since they are super busy and do not want to take on any more cases than necessary). But eventually they will see the need to intervene.

Pick the battles carefully. Here are the battles you should fight:

• Whenever your son commits any act that is a crime for a juvenile (i.e., status offenses such as truancy, possession and consumption of alcohol, curfew violations, purchase of cigarettes, etc.
• Whenever he commits any act that would be a crime for an adult

Other than the above 2 points, let it go and focus on making plans for him to move out when he’s 18.

He is not following his counseling anymore, and we're running out of options.

== > Counseling is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (because the kid feels that the parents are blaming him for all the family’s problems, thus he becomes resentful and behaves accordingly).

T__ sat down today and told him that we still are his family, and that all he needs to do is follow family rules. Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door while we were gone. Our other family member and friend placement options look grim as no one really wants to deal with him. He has disassociated himself with his grandparents and other family members as he believes we turned them against him.

== > If there was property damage, then call the cops again (if you haven’t done so already) so they can file yet another report.

I have a feeling that things may come to a head when the battery charge is addressed. If, for whatever reason, probation does not want to address that issue, then it’s time to get an attorney and have him talk to the prosecutor. Then you’ll have the cards stacked in your favor.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

How to make my 13 yr old girl go to sleep?

Hi Mark,

I have purchased your e-guide online parenting techniques and I have applied some of your methods. Though it is difficult to do at first without being angry and not reacting to my 13 yr old daughter rebellious act, but I must say she has improved slowly. Thanks for the guidance!

I would never thought of talking to her in a calmer way before. I was always angry at her when she didn't want to go to school and when she stays up way late at night sometime doesn't even have a wink and she decided to sleep during the day made me even furious. Every action she made, I responded with my anger and hence she branded me as the "Lady nagger of the house". I do deserve that name-calling, now that I realized my mistakes was not able to communicate effectively with her and not being able to express and explain things when I should have.

I'm a single mom. The care & control is given to my ex husband for both of my children. My daughter had a fall out with him and they had quite a big fight and as a result of that she ran away from her dad's place and lives with me since April this year. Although he strongly disapproved of her decision at first but he consent it verbally at the end citing that he will not want to have any part of her upbringing from then on and he told that in front of my daughter. It was sick of him not being able to be diplomatic at all in his choice of words or actions and for a child to hear that I can't even imagine... That was done and I know that it was terrible for my daughter to hear that first hands but I told her that he didn't mean to say that at all and every parent do love their children unconditionally no matter how big and bad the problem is. He was angry and he didn't know any better when he said that. That was my only explanation to her and I guess it didn't sit well on her. She has a low self-esteem due to what her father had said or treated her. Like calling her a prostitute when she sneaked away from home at night to meet her boyfriend then. She was blamed by her dad as the instigator for his Girlfriend to leave for her hometown...Just too much for a 13 yr old! I know it is hard for her and to be honest it was quite hard for me as well adjusting in the beginning. I was working then and I made a decision to quit my job.

She took medications more than she was prescribed by her Child Psychiatrist as she was diagnosed having depressions and anxiety attacks. I've decided to switch the previous psychiatrist to the Hospital Child Psychiatrist specialist where she was treated for the over dose and she's no longer given any medications at all now. She still does have mood swings now and then and are unable to sleep at night. I have spoken to my daughter psychiatrist about this and he suggested to change her sleeping pattern by trying to go to bed earlier than her usual bed time. My daughter bedtime is actually at 10.30pm and he suggested that she should make an effort to be in bed by 10pm instead. I've tried making her to go to bed by 10 and even lie down with her to make her sleep and read books with her and she still can't sleep. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to make my 13 yr old girl to sleep? Anything would help!

With my best wishes and deep thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

Anxiety (which is often brought on by a stressful event) is probably the most common cause of difficulty falling asleep. This is called "stress-related insomnia." It is a self-limited problem that usually resolves over several weeks (sometimes several months). It does not tend to turn into chronic insomnia. It might be helpful to reassure your daughter that it is normal to have difficulty falling asleep after a stressful life event, and that she can expect her situation to improve over the next several weeks. 

Times like this are trying for parents. We don't want our children to experience pain, much less to help them embrace pain. But what an honor it is to be able to help our children face the truly difficult issues of life, and grow into mature, well-adjusted adults.

Your daughter can help herself in the following ways:

• Avoid caffeine intake which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation
• Avoid illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco
• Build a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way
• Decrease negative self-talk: challenge negative thoughts about yourself with alternative neutral or positive thoughts. "My life will never get better” can be transformed into "I may feel hopeless now, but my life will probably get better if I work at it and get some help”
• Develop assertiveness training skills. For example, state feelings in polite firm and not overly aggressive or passive ways: ("I feel angry when you yell at me”… "Please stop yelling.”)
• Exercise and eat regularly
• Learn practical coping skills. For example, break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing and muscle relaxation techniques)
• Learn to feel good about doing a competent or "good enough” job rather than demanding perfection from yourself and others
• Rehearse and practice situations which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class if talking in front of a class makes you anxious
• Take a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, talking to a friend, drawing, writing, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress

Mark

Online Parent Support

I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money...

Hi Mark,

It is the 2<sup>nd</sup> week of school and my kid already has missing assignments and has a D- and an F in two of her classes. I am not saying anything about it. She is doing her chores and her attitude is okay. My problem is this….she has made the freshmen volleyball team. It will cost me $250 for her to continue to play. I feel it is really important for her to play, it keeps her busy. She obviously is going to get kicked off of the team for her bad grades; she needs to maintain a 2.0 to play. I had told her previously (before I read your book) that if she doesn’t play she could lose any or all privileges. I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money for her to play for a couple more weeks and for her not to have any consequences. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks!

W.

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Hi W.,

A kid can earn privileges at home as well as school. Sports are school privileges that are earned by maintaining a minimum grade point average. It looks like your daughter may soon be on the receiving end of a “natural consequence” for poor academic performance (i.e., getting kicked off the team).

Should you cough up $250.00? Check with the coach first to see whether or not she is likely to be kicked off the team. If the coach says “yes” …then that’s pretty much the end of it. You shouldn’t throw your money away in that event.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Why do I feel so guilty ?

Dear Mr. Hutten,

It's been awhile since my last e-mail.

My son M__ is 17 1/2. He's quit 2 jobs over the last 6 months, but has a car. I've told him that he at least needs to have a job 1 weekend day . I think he should at least put gas in it himself. He is a senior this year and plays soccer now and hockey all winter until March. He has no interest in working at all and keeps asking for money. Per your advice I have stopped with the handouts. I've told him pay for gas or park the car- Why do I feel so guilty ?

I can't get him motivated to do anything, but I also know that he needs to motivate himself. He can be extremely charming until he hears no, that turns to the "whatever" mentality. What else can I do ?

Looking forward to your response,

M.

P.S.

I've intituted an 11:00 pm curfew and no more sleepovers-nothing good comes from teenage boys up all night !! I've stuck to both and probably couldn't have done this without you- you've helped me feel that I am doing the right thing instead of feeling guilty.(11:00 curfew is early, but is because of early summer incident- I've told him he can get back to 11:30 but it is up to him-

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Hi M.,

I don't have too much to add really. You're doing exactly what you should be doing ...and "feeling guilty" is very typical.

It does get better over time though. When you realize that you are doing all this FOR your son rather than AGAINST him, then you won't feel as though you've done something "wrong" or "bad" while implementing this "tough love" approach..

Mark

Online Parent Support

Addicted to computer games...

Q: i am 27 yrs old mom of a 5 yrs-old boy who really, i may say addicted to computer games. Im worried about him coz he shows no interest in going to school. Aside from that at home he becomes destructive everytime we stop him from doing or getting what he wants. At the age of five he is lazy in writing and doing school work. But i believe that my child is smart and can be an outstanding student if only we could motivate him.

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A: Computers, video games, and the Internet have become entrenched features of our daily lives. Computer use has reached beyond work and is now a major source of fun and entertainment for many people. For most people, computer use and video game play is integrated into their lives in a balanced healthy manner. For others, time spent on the computer or video game is out of balance, and has displaced work, school, friends, and even family.

When time spent on the computer, playing video games or cruising the Internet reaches a point that it harms a youngster's or adult's family and social relationships, or disrupts school or work life, that person may be caught in a cycle of addiction. Like other addictions, the computer or video game has replaced friends and family as the source of a person's emotional life. Increasingly, to feel good, the addicted person spends more time playing video games or searching the Internet. Time away from the computer or game causes moodiness or withdrawal.

When a person spends up to ten hours a day or more rearranging or sending files, playing games, surfing the net, visiting chat rooms, instant messaging, and reading emails, that easily can reach up to seventy to eighty hours a week on-line with the computer. Major social, school or work disruptions will result.

Symptoms of computer or video game addiction:

For kids:

• Choosing to use the computer or play video games, rather than see friends.
• Dropping out of other social groups (clubs or sports).
• Falling asleep in school.
• Irritable when not playing a video game or on the computer.
• Lying about computer or video game use.
• Most of non-school hours are spent on the computer or playing video games.
• Not keeping up with assignments.
• Worsening grades.

For adults:

• Can't control computer or video game use.
• Computer or video game use is characterized by intense feelings of pleasure and guilt.
• Experience feelings of withdrawal, anger, or depression when not on the computer or involved with their video game.
• Fantasy life on-line replaces emotional life with partner.
• Hours playing video games or on the computer increasing, seriously disrupting family, social or even work life.
• Lying about computer or video game use.
• May incur large phone or credit bills for on-line services.
• Obsessing and pre-occupied about being on the computer, even when not connected.

There are even physical symptoms that may point to addiction:

• Back, neck aches
• Carpal tunnel syndrome.
• Dry eyes
• Failure to eat regularly or neglect personal hygiene
• Headaches
• Sleep disturbances

For the computer or video game addicted person, a fantasy world on-line or in a game has replaced his or her real world. The virtual reality of the computer or game is more inviting than the every day world of family, school or work. With the increased access to pornography on the Internet and in games, this fantasy world may be highly sexual.

Kids love PC games, and that's not always a bad thing. Whether played on a handheld device, a computer, or a television set, the games can provide hours of quiet fun. (That's one reason parents often rely on them to keep the peace on family vacations.) The games can boost computer skills and improve eye-hand coordination. One 2004 study showed that surgeons who play PC games commit fewer surgical errors than do their non-game-playing counterparts.

PC games are emotionally "safe." When a youngster makes a mistake, no one else knows (unlike the public humiliation of, say, striking out in a real-life baseball game). And because each error made in a computer game helps the player learn the specific action needed to advance the next time, the player gets the satisfaction of steadily improving and ultimately winning.

But PC games carry some big downsides. Besides being very expensive, many popular games involve graphic sex and violence. Perhaps most worrisome, they can be extremely habit-forming. Any youngster can become "addicted" to PC games, but kids with AD/HD seem to be at particular risk. Many of them have poor social or athletic skills, and this doesn't matter in the world of PC games. Such games level the playing field for kids with AD/HD. And kids bothered by distractibility in the real world are capable of intense focus (hyperfocus) while playing. The computer game "trance" is often so deep that the only way to get the player's attention is to shake her or "get in her face."

To make the games less seductive, find ways to minimize your youngster's downtime at home, especially those times when he is alone. Maybe your youngster would be interested in arts and crafts, theater, or movie-making. Maybe a social-skills group would be a good idea. Maybe he could join a youth group at your church or synagogue.

If she has trouble with a particular sport because of poor motor skills, or has difficulty understanding the rules or strategies, look for another sport that might be more accommodating - for example, martial arts, bowling, or swimming. Help your youngster find some activity that he likes and a place where he can do it.

Kids with AD/HD often lack the "internal controls" needed to regulate how much time they spend playing PC games. It's up to parents to rein in the use of the games.

The first step is often the hardest: Both parents must agree on a set of rules. How much time may be spent playing the games on school nights? Must homework be done first? Chores? How much time may be spent on a weekend day? Which games are taboo, and which are O.K.? If the youngster plays Internet-based games, which sites are acceptable?

Once parents agree, sit down with your youngster and discuss the rules. Make it clear which rules are negotiable and which are not. Then announce that the rules start right now. Be sure you can enforce the rules. For example, if your youngster is allowed to spend 30 minutes at PC games on school nights - and only after homework and chores are done - the game and game controls must be physically unavailable when she gets home from school.

If games involve a computer or a television set, find a way to secure the system until its use is permitted. When the 30 minutes of playing are up, retake the controls. If she balks, she loses the privilege to play the game the following day. If you come into her bedroom and find her playing the game under the covers, she might lose the privilege for several days.

Give warning times: "You have 15 more minutes... You now have 10 minutes... There are only five minutes left." A timer that is visible to the youngster can be helpful. When the buzzer rings, say, "I know you need to reach a point where you can save the game. If you need a few more minutes, I will wait here and let you have them."

If he continues to play despite your step-by-step warnings, do not shout or grab the game or disconnect the power. Calmly remind him of the rules, then announce that for each minute he continues to play, one minute will be subtracted from the time allowed the next day (or days). Once you get the game back, lock it up. When he finally regains the privilege to play, say, "Would you like to try again to follow the family rules?"

Online Parent Support