Teens & Moving to a New Country

Hi Mark,

I've just downloaded your book and have already begun to feel a better understanding of what's happening in our home.

In August we moved our family of 2 teenage girls (15 and 16) away from our home in Canada to Europe. Our 16 year old has taken to the move like a duck to water, but our 15 year old is really struggling. About 10 months ago she started hanging out with a bad crowd and 'fell in love' with a bad boy (school drop out, problems with the police, bad home situation). Her behaviour has gone downhill - swearing at me and disrespectful, school marks dropping drastically, dropping out of all her activities. We thought the move to Europe would be a chance for her to 're-set' and get back on a good path, but she is SO angry with me. She won't spend time with us, tells me she hates me and I'm stupid, and won't even look at my husband. Reading your book I recognize that my behaviour has contributed alot to getting her where she is (way too indulgent!).

I'm sure she is not doing well at her new school and that she thinks that if she fails we will send her back 'home' to live. She has this fantasy that we'll pay for her to live in an apartment with her friend. I'm trying to make her focus on building her life here and to stop looking back. What advice do you have to help us get her to move on?

Many thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

Relocating to a new community may be one of the most stress-producing experiences a family faces. Frequent moves or even a single move can be especially hard on kids and teens. Studies show kids who move frequently are more likely to have problems at school. Moves are even more difficult if accompanied by other significant changes in the youngster's life, such as a death, divorce, loss of family income, or a need to change schools.

Moves interrupt friendships. To a new youngster at school, it may at first seem that everyone else has a best friend or is securely involved with a group of peers. The youngster must get used to a different schedule and curriculum, and may be ahead in certain subjects and behind in others. This situation may make the youngster stressed, anxious or bored.

Kids in kindergarten or first grade may be particularly vulnerable to a family move because developmentally they are just in the process of separating from their parents and adjusting to new authority figures and social relationships. The relocation can interfere with that normal process of separation by causing them to return to a more dependent relationship with their parents.

In general, the older the youngster, the more difficulty he or she will have with the move because of the increasing importance of the peer group. Pre-teens and teenagers may repeatedly protest the move, or ask to stay in their hometown with a friend's family. Some youngsters may not talk about their distress, so parents should be aware of the warning signs of depression, including changes in appetite, social withdrawal, a drop in grades, irritability, sleep disturbances or other dramatic changes in behavior or mood.

Kids who seem depressed by a move may be reacting more to the stress they are experiencing than to the relocation. Sometimes one parent may be against the move, and kids will sense and react to this parental discord.

To make the move easier on kids, parents may take these steps:

· After the move, get involved with the kids in activities of the local church or synagogue, PTA, scouts, YMCA, etc.

· Describe advantages of the new location that the youngster might appreciate such as a lake, mountain or an amusement park.

· Explain clearly to the kids why the move is necessary.

· Familiarize the kids as much as possible with the new area with maps, photographs or the daily newspaper.

· Help kids keep in touch with friends from the previous neighborhood through telephone, letters, e-mail, and personal visits.

· If a son or daughter is a senior in high school, consider the possibility of letting him or her stay with a trusted family until the school year is over.

· Let kids participate in designing or furnishing their room.

The more frequently a family moves - the more important is the need for internal stability. With the proper attention from parents, and professional help if necessary, relocating can be a positive growth experience for kids, leading to increased self-confidence and interpersonal skills.

Mark

Online Parent Support

I bought this book to share with foster carers...

Dear Mark. I am a trainer for foster carers in Royal Kingston-Upon-Thames, UK. As a social worker, I have worked for years with families and foster families trying to manage their out of control teens. I bought this book to share with foster carers and I'll also purchase the CDs to lend out to foster carers.

Who knows --- I might still find some tips to use on my grown up children when they offend me!! I love my eldest grandson (16) to bits but he has ADHD and I know how my daughter struggles with his behaviour. This book could help her too.

Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?

Many thanks

J.

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Hi J.,

Re: Could you confirm that it is acceptable under your copyright for me to share with others?

Yes ...absolutely!

Good luck,

Mark

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Stepdaughter Hates Stepmother

Hello, before I waste anymore time I thought I'd cut straight to the point and just ask if you cover teens loving in split homes with step-parents. My step-teenager lives one week with her Dad and I, and one week with her mother (and boyfriend). Issues seem to come from the fact that she all of a sudden hates me, even though I've been around for 8 years and she's 15. Do you cover anything like that because every book. Other therapist try to treat me like I'm a "parent" when she does not see me that way, so none of the tactics work. Just curious, as this teen is destroying my marriage and seems to be enjoying herself while she is doing it. Thanks for your time. Sincerely, B.

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Hi B.,

I can promise you that you will benefit from my program.

You are more of a mentor than a mother. You are an adult male in your stepdaughter’s life, much like an aunt, a scout leader or a teacher, but you live under the same roof and sleep with her father. Being one family unit will require careful planning with your husband. 

Set rules and boundaries together, but try to disrupt the family karma as little as possible. Decisions about finances need to be made with your partner as well, and not in a vacuum.

One of the major roads to failure as a stepmother is to take on the role of disciplinarian. The teenager tends to resent this new gal with new rules who comes in to disrupt her family. Successful stepmothers and family relations experts suggest that bio-dad should continue his role as the dispenser of discipline when required to maintain some consistency with the children. 

Your job as stepmother is to support his role, to make sure he is treated with respect, and to show solidarity. If you disagree with something, discuss it in private and reach a common understanding with your husband so as not to undermine his role.

Don't take rebellion personally. The teenage years are the transition time from dependence as a child to independence as an adult. Rebellion in some form is to be expected from all teens, even in intact families. 

So don't get offended when your stepdaughter is rebellious; take it in stride and focus on the behavior exhibited. It is less likely to be focused at you than it is to be focused on their changing world.

If you are consistent, stay within your role, and show that you care about and love her and her dad, the barriers will eventually come down and a positive relationship will become the pattern.

All the above is easier said than done, but very possible none-the-less.

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Children & Sharing

I have a six-year-old very strong willed youngster. She can be so sweet… then she starts grabbing toys out kid’s hands, hitting and kicking. I have her on a chart, and she is doing better. However, she still has problems sharing and getting along with others.

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Perhaps one of the most common complaints that parents have about their young kids is that they find it difficult to get them to share.

Sharing is not something that is innate in a youngster and they will only learn it through your constant observation and guidance. Further more, there is a whole lot of concern about just what a youngster needs to learn how to share and when. Do they always need to share? You can help your youngster learn how to be more discerning with the sharing game if you just pay very close attention and follow some simple concepts.

DON'T EVER FORCE YOUR YOUNGSTER TO SHARE. The whole point of the exercise is lost if you have to force it. This means, don’t threaten them in any way - like telling them they will have to go home, telling them they will miss out on a treat or you will punish them. Not sharing something is a whole different ball game than being willfully mean so the outcomes should also be different.

OWNERSHIP COUNTS. In the greater scheme of things, you have to remember that ownership does really count for something. After all, you don’t go out in the world and give your cell phone, or car to a complete stranger simply because they ask. Try teaching your youngster that it is OK to refuse a request if someone asks for something that they have. This may apply to a bike or a special toy.

Of course, playground rules are a little different. If you are taking along a load of sand pit toys to the park then you may just have to try to explain to your child before you go that other kids are going to want to use them to and you will be sharing them with others. Perhaps you can help them pick out some toys that you will take along that other kids can use and something that they will use. Most importantly, involve them in the process.
If, once you get to the park and it is obvious that your youngster is simply not up to the challenge of sharing their stuff, you don’t have to turn around and come home.

There are things that you can do to help them along. A child doesn’t have the ability to look at things as rationally as you. All they know is that someone else is trying to take away their stuff. In their mind they don’t know if it will ever come back! Try saying something along the lines of, “We are going to share, which car can Johnny have? The red one or the blue one?” In this way, you are introducing the concept of sharing, THEY are making the decision (in a roundabout way) and you are doing it without aggression or force.

IF IT'S GOING TO BE AN ISSUE - LEAVE IT AT HOME! If you know that it is going to be an issue to share a special toy then try to leave it at home. Don’t expect other kids not to want to play with it and don’t expect your youngster to want to share it. Explain, as best as you can, that this is a toy for home. Trust me, other parents will appreciate it much more than you think. After all, how may times have you had to try and explain to a child why they can’t have someone else’s toy?

Above all, don’t expect too much. Sharing is not something that comes naturally and it is not something that is always warranted. Maybe what we should be teaching our kids, is to respect the property of others, that they can’t always have what they want and that it is OK to say no.

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Temper Tantrums: Comprehensive Summary, Prevention & Intervention

Temper Tantrums: Comprehensive Summary, Prevention and Intervention 

There are 9 different types of temperaments in kids:

1. 
   Distractible temperament predisposes the youngster to pay more attention to his or her surroundings than to the caregiver.
2. High intensity level temperament moves the youngster to yell, scream, or hit hard when feeling threatened.
3. Hyperactive temperament predisposes the youngster to respond with fine- or gross-motor activity.
4. Initial withdrawal temperament is found when kids get clingy, shy, and unresponsive in new situations and around unfamiliar people.
5.  Irregular temperament moves the youngster to escape the source of stress by needing to eat, drink, sleep, or use the bathroom at irregular times when he or she does not really have the need.
6. Low sensory threshold temperament is evident when the youngster complains about tight clothes and people staring and refuses to be touched by others.
7. Negative mood temperament is found when kids appear lethargic, sad, and lack the energy to perform a task.
8. Negative persistent temperament is seen when the youngster seems stuck in his or her whining and complaining.
9. Poor adaptability temperament shows itself when kids resist, shut down, and become passive-aggressive when asked to change activities.

Temper tantrums are:

• a normal part of learning independence and mastery
• a sign of frustration that a child can't do something comfortably
• a way a young child lets out strong emotions before he/she is able to express them in socially acceptable ways
• are most common among two and 3-year-olds, which is probably why the phrase "terrible twos" was invented
• are not contagious, although the behavior of those around a tantrum can play into it
• occur in about 80% of children between the ages of 1 and 4
• disruptive or undesirable behavior or emotional outbursts displayed in response to unmet needs or desires, or an inability to control emotions stemming from frustration or difficulty expressing the particular need or desire
• generally begin around age 12-18 months, get worse between 2 and 3 years, then decrease rapidly until age 4, after which they should be seldom seen
• most likely to occur when a child is afraid, overtired, or uncomfortable
• often a cry for help: your child is trying to get your attention
• can be an extremely constructive part of the development of a healthy child

Parents:

• can learn from their child by understanding the situation that caused the temper tantrum to erupt
• can learn how to nurture and discipline effectively
• may be tempted to be loud or angry, but tantrums are a time to be calm
• may need to hug their child who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change
• may understand what a toddler says only 50 percent of the time
• need to understand that temper tantrums are a normal part of early child development
• often take the blame if their toddlers seem out of control
• should choose which situations call for limits and which can be overlooked
• should notify their child’s physician if the tantrums increase in intensity, the child holds their breath or faints during tantrums, the child’s behaviors are destructive, the child often hurts themselves or other people, the child displays signs of a mood disorder
• should try to catch their children doing something good and compliment them several times a day

Young children don't have evil plans to frustrate or embarrass their parents. All young children from time to time will whine, complain, resist, cling, argue, hit, shout, run, and defy their teachers and parents. Temper tantrums, although normal, can become upsetting to teachers and parents because they are embarrassing, challenging, and difficult to manage. When children’s need for independence collides with the parents’ and teachers’ needs for safety and conformity, the conditions are perfect for a power struggle and a temper tantrum.

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Control—

They want independence and self-control to explore their environment. To give your child a sense of control, let him or her make appropriate choices. Give children control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. Try to intervene before the child is out of control.

Attention—

After your child quiets down, you might say, “I noticed your behavior, but that won't get my attention.”

Prevention for Parents—

It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say:

• Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
• Change environments, thus removing the youngster from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”
• Choose your battles. Teach kids how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
• Create a safe environment that kids can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or classroom so kids can explore safely.
• Distract kids by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
• Do not ask kids to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “It’s suppertime now.”
• Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
• Give kids control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the youngster can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?”
• Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the youngster’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
• Keep a sense of humor to divert the youngster’s attention and surprise the youngster out of the tantrum.
• Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if kids are not ready to use them safely.
• Make sure that kids are well rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.”
• Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the youngster’s developmental level so that the youngster does not become frustrated.
• Reward kids for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to temper tantrums, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
• Signal kids before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”
• When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the youngster beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”

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Intervention for Parents—

There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum. Strategies include the following:

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  Hold the youngster who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the youngster know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the youngster that everything will be all right, and help the youngster calm down. Parents may need to hug their youngster who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a youngster who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
• If the youngster has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the youngster to time-out (see “Resources”). If you are in a public place, carry your youngster outside or to the car. Tell the youngster that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school warn the youngster up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the youngster refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
• Remain calm and do not argue with the youngster. Before you manage the youngster, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the youngster will make the tantrum worse.
• Talk with the youngster after the youngster has calmed down. When the youngster stops crying, talk about the frustration the youngster has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the youngster new skills to help avoid temper tantrums such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the youngster how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
• Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the youngster’s frustration, this youngster’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
• Try to intervene before the youngster is out of control. Get down at the youngster’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
• You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the youngster calms down, give the attention that is desired.
• You can place the youngster in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the youngster goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.
• You can positively distract the youngster by getting the youngster focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.

Post-Tantrum Management—

• Do not reward the youngster after a tantrum for calming down. Some kids will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later.
• Explain to the youngster that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
• Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the youngster.
• Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
• Teach the youngster that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.

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Daughter's First Experiment With Drugs

Mark-

I have a 16-year-old daughter whom I have always spoken honestly to about sex, drugs, and the dangers that exist in the outside world. I feel that I have always done as I should to be a responsible parent. Recently, she told me she and her friends tried pot. I explained that this was not acceptable but assured her that we understand that peer pressure can be a horrible thing. We again discussed ways to avoid drugs and reinforced our love and devotion to her, but made it quite clear that this behavior is not in any way acceptable to us. To my surprise she started to cry.

I explained that I was thankful she was honest and glad that she felt she could talk to us. I knew she felt bad and told her there was no punishment because I knew she was feeling worse than she has in her life. I also explained that this is her first try and last - that punishment would be swift and stern if she ever thought of doing this again. My question is - what should my next move be, and how can I stop feeling as if I let her down in some way since she seemed to lack the will power to say No?

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A very straightforward way to help her is to restrict her interaction with peers who use drugs. Steer her towards an alternative group of peers who are more involved in activities that require sharpness and aptitude. Tell her that she can blame the restriction on you (this will help her save face with peers), but that she absolutely may not be out with drug using friends.

It is not a moral failing that your daughter lacked the will power to say no. But it tells you that she may be at risk for addiction because she wanted to say no and couldn't. You will need to stay on this issue until you are sure that the two of you (or better yet, the whole family) have put enough structure in place for your 16-year-old to be safe.

It will take both of you (and maybe the whole family) to make a partnership so that she can say "no." Ask her how you can help her with his will power.

Let go of your guilt! It is healthy to feel guilt if you intentionally did something wrong, but it seems that you did the best you could at the time to prepare your daughter to refuse drugs. If you are busy soul-searching and self-blaming, you will miss a very important step, which is to continue developing your alliance with your daughter.

Make sure that adults supervise her whenever she goes out. This will require you to call the parents of her friends. It will give you a chance to network and to find other parents who are like-minded.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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Signs of a Pot Head

Mark-

I think my daughter still smokes a bit of pot, nothing like before, but she has been losing about 37 pounds in the last month, suffering anxiety attacks, back pain, etc. What should I be looking for?

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Marijuana is usually smoked using cigarette rolling papers, a purchased water bong, or a makeshift bong that can be made from a variety of items. Hash can be smoked or eaten, and is sometimes cooked into baked goods.


What to look for:

· Bloodshot eyes
· Cigarette rolling papers
· Dilated (large) pupils
· Pipes, bongs, homemade smoking devices (you may see sticky residue from burned marijuana)
· Reduced motivation
· Seeds that have been cleaned from marijuana
· Sleepy appearance
· Smell on clothing, in room, or in car

Generally it can be difficult to recognize marijuana use if you don't see your child after smoking when she is still experiencing the effects of the drug.

Mark

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