She lies, drinks, smokes, tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money...

My 16 yo daughter has left to live with her bf she lies, drinks, smokes tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money. She wants to live like a 20yo but has no job is with people that are quite often in trouble with the police. I just want her to come home and go back to school. She just wants to do what she wants when she wants and the way she wants. I’ve tried reasoning calmly, getting angry, being tough, making her feel guilty, nothing seems to work, she is just so stubborn about what she wants to do she doesn’t seem to care, about herself, her future or her family. Please help!!!

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Hi N.,

We always want to allow our kids to make mistakes (unless it is life-threatening of course). Making mistakes is the ONLY way a strong-willed child learns. So, to save her from making the mistake of living with her boyfriend also disallows her a learning/growing opportunity.

This relationship with the 20-year-old is not likely to last very long. Let her know that she is always welcome to return home – BUT under your guidelines/rules – not hers. Draft a contract soon – like later tonight – that lays out in great detail what will be required of her in order for her to live in your house. Then when (notice I said “when” rather than “if”) she starts whining to you about how her boyfriend is mistreating her and wants to come home – make her sign the contract up front.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have a huge struggle that is brewing...

Mark,

I have posted this on the blog but did not find it. I have a 13-year-old daughter that is a cutter. She is getting help with that. Anyway I have a huge struggle that is brewing. We had a agreement that she could have a cell phone after she raised her F in school, now she has two F's. She is telling me the only thing she wants for Christmas is a cell phone and if I get her one I will be amazed how much her grades will go up because she will be happy and right now she is very unhappy. She hates being home, hates me, and wants to go and live with a friend. Is this battle about the phone worth her leaving the home to a foster home because living at this friend’s is out of the question? I am thinking I will stand my ground on our agreement the first time. Please help!

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Hi A.,

Submissions to the blog go through an editorial review by staff before they are posted. This takes anywhere from 1 to 24 hours. In any event, I see that your post has made it to the blog. You should get some responses from other OPS members.

Re: cell phone. You're right to stand your ground. And as I'm sure you know - a new cell phone will not be any incentive for her to raise her grades.

Re: foster care. That won't be an option for you. Unless you're found to be an unfit mother, the court will not consider placing her in foster care.

You are only a week into this thing -- you have 3 more sessions to go. I'm very sure you will get the answers you need as you digest the material. Be sure to watch all the instructional videos. Email me after you get through the program, and we will trouble shoot on any remaining problems.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have created a little girl who has total control and I have none...

Dear Mark, I just purchased your on line therapy book and after reading the first few pages i just cried and cried. I am a single mum of a wild 14 year old girl. I came from a bad childhood and therefore have parented all wrong !!! all love, attention and gifts etc and as a result i have created a little girl who has total control and I have none. I now suffer extreme depression and anxiety and have contemplated ending my life. Listening to your audio is giving me strength and confidence to turn this all around. Thank you so much for your program... you are like an angel that has come from nowhere. Once again thank you.

Online Parent Support

Last week he was arrested for shoplifting...

Hi Mark, we have been trying to work through the programme but are having difficulty with consequences, for example to breaking curfews. In the past 2 months, I__ has made new friends that we don't know, is secretive and has decided he can do what he wants. The change was so sudden, we're in shock! Last week he was arrested for shoplifting and today, I got a call from the Transit police saying that he was riding the skytrain without a ticket. The constable said he was heading into a bad area and hanging out with undesirables. We grounded him for three days after the shoplifting but he only stayed home for one day then snuck out again. It seems that we're unable to make the grounding stick and we are alarmed about the changes in him. He seems quite detached, agrees with everything we say and then does what he wants. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, when teen’s behavior changes radically and suddenly, it is nearly always the case that he/she is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol – and possibly has already developed a drug habit. Thus, you may have bigger fish to fry than “grounding problems.”

Secondly, he already received a “natural” consequence for shoplifting (just be sure he pays any fines out of his own money). When a teen is caught shoplifting, it is rarely the case that it is the first time. 

Here are a few ways that parents can use shoplifting incidents to teach lessons:

1. “Volunteer” his time at a community agency.
2. Assign him to write a paper on stealing.
3. Have him apologize – in person, in writing, or both – to the people he stole from. If it’s a store, have him apologize to the manager.
4. Make him buy some educational materials to donate to a local school, the police department or a community agency.
5. Make the offender repay the price of the merchandise. If he doesn’t have the money, make him work it off. Be creative.
6. When choosing to limit your child’s privileges, make sure it is something you have control over and can follow through on.

Thirdly, I’m not sure where you live, so I have no way of knowing what the Juvenile Codes (laws) are in your area. In the U.S., the recommendation to parents in your shoes is for them to (a) call police at the time curfew has been violated in order to file a report, (b) go to the local Juvenile Probation Department and file either “runaway” or “incorrigibility” complaints in order to enlist the help of an Officer of the Court, and (c) while the child is running the streets, confiscate everything (e.g., computers, cell phones, junk food, bedroom doors, video games, etc.). 

In worst-case scenarios - and depending on the child’s age - parents have been known to move their child out of the house to go live with a trusted friend, family member, residential facility, etc.

Bottom line: This is serious. You will have to pull the term “tough love” to a whole new level to address this properly.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He didn't come home last night...

Hi Mark,

From my last email you could see things were progressing well and you said they would get worse before they got better. Anyway, it was the winter formal at the high school last night. A__ asked if he could stay at a friends house after the dance and we said no, we don't want to argue about it.............anyway, he called twice still trying to stay at a friends house, we continued to say no.......So, he didn't come home last night, he was to be home at 1:30am, he had no excuse for not coming back we even told him that we'd pick him up from wherever he was at 1:30am if he didn't have a ride.

So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else? Let me remind you that he was kicked out for not listening to our rules and only allowed to return on Tuesday evening being 3 days ago.

J.

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Hi J.,

First of all, don't be disappointed. Set-backs like this are very common (in fact I would wonder what's wrong if you didn't have any set-backs periodically).

Clearly, staying at the friend's house was very important to him.

Allow him to make these mistakes, then calmly implement the appropriate consequence as outlined in session #3.

Re: So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else?

I am quite concerned that you are leaping ahead in the program. You should still be in session #1. You will learn that we do not start out with 3-days for discipline. It will be best for you to digest most of the material -- and then ask any unanswered questions. Many of the questions you seem to be having here in the early going will be addressed in the eBook.

A good rule of thumb for new members of OPS is as follows:

Handle problems the way you ordinarily would -- until instructed to do it differently.

We must not implement of bunch of new parenting techniques over night. If we do, it will most likely be the kiss of failure. And most parents are really tired of failing.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Speak softly, and carry a big stick...

Hi Mark, I seem to have reached stalemate. We are not having as many arguments as I refuse to get angry and always use my best poker face, however my son has a nasty angry response to every single thing I say, even if it is just hello. The responses are normally "shut up, don't speak to me, I don't want to talk to you, F... off " …I understand this is him just trying to push my buttons, but how can we move on from this. I can't have any conversation. I have tried asking him once per week to join us for dinner, but to no avail (although I will keep going). There is no way he would ever accompany us on an outing. I know we still have a long way to go. Can you point me in the right direction? Thanks. S.

Click here for my response...

His pediatrician refers to him as a "case study"...

Good morning Mark,

Oh my God, it is actually working. Adam has now been back at home 2 days and last night he tried pushing our buttons again, with no success. We remained calm and told he we didn't want to argue. He wanted to use the car to go to his friend’s house and we said that he had nothing to earn the use of the car. We told him if he did his homework he could use it and he chose not to, so he walked. Before he left he said something odd he said "you guys aren't talking to me", I said "I don't know what you mean, we talked all through dinner and after dinner (when we insisted he do dishes).....". Anyway, you know what we didn't do, we didn't yell and scream and I guess he thought that we hadn't talked to him because of it....very strange. We said we loved him before he went to bed and this morning before he left and asked him to make good choices today. My husband has a hard time telling him that he loves him, but he did it, I was very proud of him. Actually, I think we both have a hard time saying "I love you" right now, because he has been so awful to be around.

I guess you might not really want an update, but I just needed to tell you because I was soooo impressed.

Oh, one more thing, our son is severe ADHD to a point that his pediatrician refers to him as a "case study" and has agreed to keep him on as a patient until he is 18 instead of 16.

J.

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Hi J.,

Thank you for the update. Updates are always welcome -- even if they are not so pretty.

Mark

Online Parent Support