Interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Psychology Today]

A quote from an interview with Mark Hutten, M.A. [Psychology Today]:

“Strong-willed, out-of-control children will rehabilitate themselves when they are ready, and not a minute sooner. They will change their behavior when – and only when – they choose to. The job of parents is not to get children to obey. It is to simply teach them that responsible behavior results in one sort of consequence while irresponsible behavior results in quite another. Oppositional, defiant kids refuse to accept this fundamental reality until they are forced to experience a significant degree of discomfort related to their poor choices. Discomfort comes from parents’ implementation of tough love – and unfortunately, tough love is often tougher on the parent than the child, especially if the parent has adopted an over-indulgent parenting style over the years.”

Online Parent Support

He smokes weed...

Hi S.,

I've responded throughout your email below:

Hi Mark

I would appreciate some help in getting through our latest development right as I am not sure if I have handled it right or how I should continue moving forward as it is so near to Christmas. I gave my son money to go shopping for clothes for Christmas.

This was a big trust issue as he smokes weed but things have been a bit better since I started using your techniques.

In the future, it will be best for you to go with him to buy the clothes so that you can be assured that the money is spent on clothes rather than drugs. And it seems that drug abuse is really the larger issue here.

It's O.K. to give gifts during Christmas, birthdays and graduation. But all other "gift-giving" must be earned.

He spent 60% of the money and said he wanted to use the rest to spend in the sales. I asked him to give it back and he refused and promised to keep it. I decided to trust him but made it clear that he was not to spend it. Next day he asked if he could use some for a pizza, I said no and said that I wanted the money back and he would get it Christmas day. He refused I told him if he chose to do keep the money he would lose his play station until I got it back. He did not return the money so I removed his play station deadlock ensued which led me to believe that he had spent the money so I asked him if he had the money to give me or had he spent it then the consequence would be grounding for 2 days. After a lot of shouting and aggressive behaviour throughout which I kept to the rules; best poker face and refusing to argue, I did explain once why he should not have spent the money, he tried to tell me he had bought a Christmas present for me and a load of other cock and bull about going to McDonalds, I know he spent it on drugs although I never said this. He became very threatening and I called the police when he pushed me and through a wet towel in my face. The police let me down because after 15 mins they called back and asked if I still wanted them to come? As the situation had calmed down I said no.

Be sure to say 'yes' next time. You stopped short here. You certainly do not want to send a clear message to your son that it is O.K. to batter women.

He admitted he had spent most of the money but gave me what was left and I said thank you but he was grounded for spending the money without permission, he refused to accept this and I told him I would not argue but that if he chose to ignore the grounding he would lose all of his privileges until he did his grounding. I have removed his Sky box and play station but all that has happened is that he has shouted a load of abuse and gone out. I am not sure if I have handled this well and we are only a few days away from Christmas. What do I do just keep going? Offer a life line, if so what? If I have to keep going do I give Christmas presents? Help!

Please review the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version of the eBook]. As you should know by now, we never take stuff away for more that 7 days -- and 3 days works best. Thus, the discipline should not cut into Christmas time.

Before I sign off can I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the help this programme has given me, I was at my wits end, I cannot remember a happy moment with my son in years and judging from what you say it may be a long time yet but you have given me a way to deal with it. So I hope you will accept my best wishes to you and your family for a Happy Christmas and New Year.

Thank you! Merry Christmas.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

She lies, drinks, smokes, tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money...

My 16 yo daughter has left to live with her bf she lies, drinks, smokes tries to make me feel guilty cause i wont give her money. She wants to live like a 20yo but has no job is with people that are quite often in trouble with the police. I just want her to come home and go back to school. She just wants to do what she wants when she wants and the way she wants. I’ve tried reasoning calmly, getting angry, being tough, making her feel guilty, nothing seems to work, she is just so stubborn about what she wants to do she doesn’t seem to care, about herself, her future or her family. Please help!!!

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Hi N.,

We always want to allow our kids to make mistakes (unless it is life-threatening of course). Making mistakes is the ONLY way a strong-willed child learns. So, to save her from making the mistake of living with her boyfriend also disallows her a learning/growing opportunity.

This relationship with the 20-year-old is not likely to last very long. Let her know that she is always welcome to return home – BUT under your guidelines/rules – not hers. Draft a contract soon – like later tonight – that lays out in great detail what will be required of her in order for her to live in your house. Then when (notice I said “when” rather than “if”) she starts whining to you about how her boyfriend is mistreating her and wants to come home – make her sign the contract up front.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have a huge struggle that is brewing...

Mark,

I have posted this on the blog but did not find it. I have a 13-year-old daughter that is a cutter. She is getting help with that. Anyway I have a huge struggle that is brewing. We had a agreement that she could have a cell phone after she raised her F in school, now she has two F's. She is telling me the only thing she wants for Christmas is a cell phone and if I get her one I will be amazed how much her grades will go up because she will be happy and right now she is very unhappy. She hates being home, hates me, and wants to go and live with a friend. Is this battle about the phone worth her leaving the home to a foster home because living at this friend’s is out of the question? I am thinking I will stand my ground on our agreement the first time. Please help!

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Hi A.,

Submissions to the blog go through an editorial review by staff before they are posted. This takes anywhere from 1 to 24 hours. In any event, I see that your post has made it to the blog. You should get some responses from other OPS members.

Re: cell phone. You're right to stand your ground. And as I'm sure you know - a new cell phone will not be any incentive for her to raise her grades.

Re: foster care. That won't be an option for you. Unless you're found to be an unfit mother, the court will not consider placing her in foster care.

You are only a week into this thing -- you have 3 more sessions to go. I'm very sure you will get the answers you need as you digest the material. Be sure to watch all the instructional videos. Email me after you get through the program, and we will trouble shoot on any remaining problems.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have created a little girl who has total control and I have none...

Dear Mark, I just purchased your on line therapy book and after reading the first few pages i just cried and cried. I am a single mum of a wild 14 year old girl. I came from a bad childhood and therefore have parented all wrong !!! all love, attention and gifts etc and as a result i have created a little girl who has total control and I have none. I now suffer extreme depression and anxiety and have contemplated ending my life. Listening to your audio is giving me strength and confidence to turn this all around. Thank you so much for your program... you are like an angel that has come from nowhere. Once again thank you.

Online Parent Support

Last week he was arrested for shoplifting...

Hi Mark, we have been trying to work through the programme but are having difficulty with consequences, for example to breaking curfews. In the past 2 months, I__ has made new friends that we don't know, is secretive and has decided he can do what he wants. The change was so sudden, we're in shock! Last week he was arrested for shoplifting and today, I got a call from the Transit police saying that he was riding the skytrain without a ticket. The constable said he was heading into a bad area and hanging out with undesirables. We grounded him for three days after the shoplifting but he only stayed home for one day then snuck out again. It seems that we're unable to make the grounding stick and we are alarmed about the changes in him. He seems quite detached, agrees with everything we say and then does what he wants. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

First of all, when teen’s behavior changes radically and suddenly, it is nearly always the case that he/she is experimenting with drugs and/or alcohol – and possibly has already developed a drug habit. Thus, you may have bigger fish to fry than “grounding problems.”

Secondly, he already received a “natural” consequence for shoplifting (just be sure he pays any fines out of his own money). When a teen is caught shoplifting, it is rarely the case that it is the first time. 

Here are a few ways that parents can use shoplifting incidents to teach lessons:

1. “Volunteer” his time at a community agency.
2. Assign him to write a paper on stealing.
3. Have him apologize – in person, in writing, or both – to the people he stole from. If it’s a store, have him apologize to the manager.
4. Make him buy some educational materials to donate to a local school, the police department or a community agency.
5. Make the offender repay the price of the merchandise. If he doesn’t have the money, make him work it off. Be creative.
6. When choosing to limit your child’s privileges, make sure it is something you have control over and can follow through on.

Thirdly, I’m not sure where you live, so I have no way of knowing what the Juvenile Codes (laws) are in your area. In the U.S., the recommendation to parents in your shoes is for them to (a) call police at the time curfew has been violated in order to file a report, (b) go to the local Juvenile Probation Department and file either “runaway” or “incorrigibility” complaints in order to enlist the help of an Officer of the Court, and (c) while the child is running the streets, confiscate everything (e.g., computers, cell phones, junk food, bedroom doors, video games, etc.). 

In worst-case scenarios - and depending on the child’s age - parents have been known to move their child out of the house to go live with a trusted friend, family member, residential facility, etc.

Bottom line: This is serious. You will have to pull the term “tough love” to a whole new level to address this properly.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

He didn't come home last night...

Hi Mark,

From my last email you could see things were progressing well and you said they would get worse before they got better. Anyway, it was the winter formal at the high school last night. A__ asked if he could stay at a friends house after the dance and we said no, we don't want to argue about it.............anyway, he called twice still trying to stay at a friends house, we continued to say no.......So, he didn't come home last night, he was to be home at 1:30am, he had no excuse for not coming back we even told him that we'd pick him up from wherever he was at 1:30am if he didn't have a ride.

So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else? Let me remind you that he was kicked out for not listening to our rules and only allowed to return on Tuesday evening being 3 days ago.

J.

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Hi J.,

First of all, don't be disappointed. Set-backs like this are very common (in fact I would wonder what's wrong if you didn't have any set-backs periodically).

Clearly, staying at the friend's house was very important to him.

Allow him to make these mistakes, then calmly implement the appropriate consequence as outlined in session #3.

Re: So, my question to you is am i going to simply do the 3 day grounding thing or something else?

I am quite concerned that you are leaping ahead in the program. You should still be in session #1. You will learn that we do not start out with 3-days for discipline. It will be best for you to digest most of the material -- and then ask any unanswered questions. Many of the questions you seem to be having here in the early going will be addressed in the eBook.

A good rule of thumb for new members of OPS is as follows:

Handle problems the way you ordinarily would -- until instructed to do it differently.

We must not implement of bunch of new parenting techniques over night. If we do, it will most likely be the kiss of failure. And most parents are really tired of failing.

Mark

Online Parent Support