Daughter seems to cry all the time...

Our nearly 4-year-old daughter seems to cry all the time. Recently she wept because we were late picking her up and she thought we weren't coming. Once a classmate told her "You are late," so she cried. I used to get annoyed with her crying and would yell, but then I learned that encouragement and patience helped much more. However, with a full-time job I lose patience with her sometimes. We really want her to be more confident, but have no idea of how to do this. Please help. -- C.J.

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First have your doctor examine her to be sure there is nothing physical that is creating her anxiety. It never hurts to be sure that nothing physical is wrong. Many young kids have ear problems that do not actually hurt, but that irritate and stress them out. These ear problems also can affect hearing, which of course affects her language and her understanding of things being said around her. DO check her hearing. Then work on her self-esteem.

Self-esteem and self-confidence is based on two important things:

• Feeling lovable for just being one's self
• Feeling competent or capable.

Moms & dads need to nurture BOTH of these things to improve self-esteem.

For example, you can nurture independence by letting her make simple choices of what to wear (of three things you lay out) or what cereal to get at the store (of three choices). These small things will help her fee capable.

If you are patient and let her dress and undress herself, and if you ask her to help out with simple chores like setting or clearing the table or sorting the clean socks, she will feel valued and competent.

Praise her for just trying to do her best at school, but don't set expectations that are too stressful.

Be sure your praise is meaningful and descriptive. Don't say "good job" repeatedly. Instead tell how you liked something she did or said, and why. For example, "I really liked the way you got dressed and were ready on time. That helps me out a lot when I am busy. Thanks." Or "I liked the way you used those colors in your painting and how you experimented with the paintbrush." Descriptive praise is much more meaningful than "That's really nice."

To nurture the youngster's feelings of being lovable, use descriptive praise that tells her you love her as she is, as a person. You can mention her sensitivity or her ability to be observant, or her sense of humor, or her great hugs. These are things that are part of her personality, and not based on achievements. Feeling lovable for "just being me" is just as important as feeling capable.

Last, talk to her teachers at the school to ask them for help in this effort and for any insight they can provide.

Ask them to bolster her confidence. Tell them exactly what you'll be doing at home to accomplish this, and ask them to do the same.

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Daughter Refuses To Work

Hi Mark,

My 16 year old has an opportunity to work as a hostess at the restaurant I work at. They would hire her just because she is my daughter. Here's the problem, she doesn't want it. Her ugly self is out in full force over it. I am 99% sure that the reason she is creating such a fuss is because she is terrified. She cried for hours before her interview. Her self confidence is really, really low. Her dad and I know she can do the job and would do well at it, because when she puts her mind to something she does great. It's just getting her past her fears. My question is... do we force her to go to the second interview? We pretty much forced her into the first one. I have already told her that if she wants a cell phone she has to have a job to pay for it. We also created a contract for getting her driver’s license. I have attached the contract. We have not signed it yet, but knows most of what is on it.

Thanks in advance for your advice!

Sincerely,

A.

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Hi A.,

No. I would definitely not force her -- BUT stick to your stipulation that she must get a job so she can pay for her own cell phone. Let her take "all the time she needs" to decide when/where she wants to work (a paradoxical intervention). The more responsibility you take for her employment, the less responsibility she will take (that's why you're in the rut you're in now; her work is more important to you than it is to her).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Your insight into teenagers is amazing...

I have purchased your e-book and cd’s.... just wanted to say how amazing you work is proving to be. I work in psychiatry but have struggled to discipline my son and to understand his behaviour. I have put in to practice the first week session and already it is working. Your insight into teenagers is amazing.... it was like you had written it all for my son and I. Thank you, a thousand times, thank you. I’ll keep you informed of J__’s progress, my 16 year old out of control teenager!

J.

My Out-of-Control Teen

My family is in the middle of a great deal of turmoil...

Dear Mark,

I just want to thanks you. My family is in the middle of a great deal of turmoil. My husband of almost 25 years asked me for a divorce in November of 2008. Since then, our daughter has ran away twice, cut her arm and spent a week in an inpatient psychiatric facility, has totally changed her dress and her set of friends and has been diagnosed with depression and was placed on medications.

What I found interesting is how much she seemed to be feeding into the diagnosis of "depression" and her "anger issues". I also noticed that the medications actually made her more miserable and her defiant behavior escalated. Your ebook has helped so much and I am only in the first week!

I have fired the counselors, weaned my child off medications and I am ready to begin the work of becoming a stronger, more focused parent. My soon to be ex-husband has also agreed to purchase the program and we intend on working it together to get our daughter back on track.

I thank you for your help and guidance. Please pray for my family as I will for yours.

Sincerely,

L.

My Out-of-Control Daughter

I know this [program] is working...

Mark,

Thanks, I know this is working. This morning, my son was refused his request to drive to driver's ed. He threatened that he wouldn't go. I rolled the window up and shut the engine off and grabbed my purse and opened the door without a fight and he backed down and got in the passenger side.

He said he hated both me and his dad. He is finally expressing his resentment towards his father that he's kept bottled up.

My daughter is compliant with the changes, and earned a reward yesterday to stay the night with a friend. I hadn't been as permissive with her in the past, because she's been the fighter at school, and always gotten attention thru negative behavior and my son, had been 'the good kid'.

T.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Abuse by Brother

Hi Mark,

Let me start by saying thanks. Not that we are into the program enough to have had any changes occur, but because you have opened my eyes to how I may have contributed to my sons behaviour and more importantly, the basic things I can do (which my husband says is common sense!) to help him and our family. I must be one of a few, that for me, it wasn’t part of my make up and I didn’t have these ideas naturally. Needless to say, I have over compensated on nurturing, thinking that I was guiding and educating with an open mind and respect for these ‘little people’ and have sort of let them down.

All will change soon, and my 12 yr old son (C___) is crying out for more structure and guidelines. Just to give you a heads up, he has been diagnosed with ‘Aspergers Traits’ and an exceptional IQ which sometimes makes our task a little more trying! C___ actually skipped a grade at primary school, and has just started secondary school this year.

My question in the chat was concerning siblings. C___’s younger brother is the polar opposite of C___. He is compliant, respectful (as far as 10yr olds go), intuitive, empathetic etc, etc. He is young though in some of his ways and really cops a lot of verbal abuse and physical abuse from C___. He is often in tears about this and even though his heart says ‘I love my brother’, he is really having a battle because he can’t bear the treatment he gets.

I positively encourage him and thank him for his tolerance and patience etc. and describe that C___ sees the world differently to him and that we are trying to help with this, but my heart breaks when it happens and I want him to feel a bit more empowered with the situation, rather than a ‘victim’.

I am in Australia Mark, and it is 10.30am here. We are currently in the midst of a sleepover Birthday party for C___, as the 14<sup>th</sup> June is his 12<sup>th</sup> birthday however, like most years, we have had a heated discussion & incidents whether his friends are present or not. We may have a cross over in time zones but I hope you can give me some advice.

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Sibling rivalry issues are covered in the Q & A blog: www.OnlineParentingCoach.com

I'll copy and paste:


“Ignoring” behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy – but when it comes to sibling rivalry – it is often the best strategy. Here’s a two-part plan:

1. Don't take sides. If you intervene in squabbling, it should never be on one side or the other. Never intervene on one side or the other unless there is possible harm. By harm I mean the possibility of causing injury, not minor pain. Say, "The two of you stop it” …rather than, “Michael, stop hitting your brother” (which sounds like you’re taking sides).

2. Never listen to what went on. And I mean never. Again, the only exception is if there is potential harm to one or the other child.

When rivalry is present, here are the four common issues that kids are really fighting about:

1. Expressing competition. We live in a competitive society and sibling rivalry is an extension of that. It’s a way for kids to compete with each other and learn how to manage their own competitive behavior.

2. Getting a parent’s attention. This is the most common issue that spurs sibling fighting.

3. Jealousy. One sibling may be jealous of the other (what the other one has, how the other one looks, or how well the other one does in school).

4. Teasing. Sibling fighting may take the form of teasing. By doing this, they test the limits of what’s socially acceptable. In the family, kids can test what they can say by judging what kind of pain it causes. Though children may learn important lessons about how to interact with other people, there are other ways to learn that are less hurtful.

Here’s a list of helpful tips that parents can use to reduce or stop sibling rivalry:

· Avoid favoritism. Some researchers believe that perceived favoritism is the greatest cause of sibling rivalry. So avoiding it helps immensely. This can be challenging since parents may favor certain traits in teenagers over other traits. That means teenagers who have the favored traits become favored.

Hint #1: Pay attention to each child and determine what kind of attention is needed. Consider that teenagers are different and need different things at different times. An exact minute for minute accounting of your attention is not essential. Sometimes a child may require some extra time.

Hint #2: Give each child his or her own special time with you. During this time, make sure no one else is around to compete for your attention.

· Don’t take sides, don't be the judge. When they’re fighting, tell the kids, “I want you two to work this out,” and walk away. Don’t get involved in the fight.

· Don't pay attention to the fight; stay out of it. If they are fighting for your attention and you don't get involved, they will learn other, hopefully better ways to get your attention.

· Know when to intervene. Sibling rivalry can develop into abuse if one sibling regularly victimizes the other. If you follow all of the above, this probably will not happen. But if you’re still struggling with this situation, be alert. Check to see if someone is really getting hurt and who’s too helpless to stop the abuser. The abuse can be physical, emotional, or sexual. If it’s going on, your response must be prompt and significant. This must not be allowed. If you can’t stop the abuser yourself, seek outside help—a counselor, a friend of family member, or the police or other authorities if you can't stop it any other way.

· Make clear that ongoing conflict is unacceptable. When the fighting has stopped, say something to the rivals like, “I’m unhappy with the present level of fighting and I want you two to find a way to work this out.” If a fight is just beginning, you may give the rivals a group goal so they can work together for a positive outcome.

· Offer problem-solving strategies when the teenagers are not fighting. It may be necessary to work with each child individually, but be really careful that you are not inadvertently playing into the rivalry by giving the desired attention. Offer support without saying whether the child is right or wrong. Ask what the child thinks the fight was about and how he or she might avoid this kind of fight in the future.

· Remain positive. By finding something positive about each of your teenagers on an ongoing basis, you’ll reduce the level of sibling rivalry.

· Teach empathy. Empathy is the opposite of sibling rivalry. The more sensitive siblings are to each other’s emotions, the less they’ll challenge each other as rivals.


...More on sibling rivalry is in the audio section: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/live1.html

...Also, you will want to use the strategy in session #3 [online version of the eBook].


Good luck,

Mark

"Rebellious Teen"

Hello Mark,

I wish I would have known about your program 2 years ago when the problems started with Lauren. She was 15 when everything hit the fan and just celebrated her 18th birthday. I would say we're at the 3rd stage where the blow ups are less frequent and less intense. Just reading about how things were and how you suggested resolving them let me see where I made my mistakes as a parent and how I actually am doing better now than I thought. Even though Lauren has made some positive changes in her life and attitude I am able to see now how everything went to pot in the first place. She is the youngest of 4 and there are 9 years between her and her sister who is third and her brothers are 12 and 15 years older. I think I felt bad that Lauren was an "only child" and gave in a lot of times where I never would have with my other kids. I got caught up in the emotional tug of war and we did go to therapy and I ended up being the one who continued to go to assure myself that I wasn't loosing my grip. Even though our situation isn't as bad as it was I can see that your program will still provide me and my husband with many tools to continue on the right path. I finished Session 1 today and plan on listening to the audio, watching the videos and reading the e book a few times this week. I'm not sure what made me type "rebellious teen" into the search bar last night but I'm so glad that I did.

B.

My Out-of-Control Teen