Resolving Parent-Child Conflict by Creating Win-Win Outcomes

Some moms and dads are lucky and have a youngster that is easy to discipline or that simply wants to please his parents. Then, there are moms and dads who have a youngster that never listens, does not like to please anyone except himself, and simply is out-of-control. These kids repeatedly test their parents and make the entire family crazy at times. But here's the good news: with a few simple techniques, parents can get even the most uncooperative child to "walk the line."

It’s hard to understand why your youngster refuses to listen to you. Also, it is difficult not to take it personally when she repeatedly does the things you ask her not to do. However, it is important to realize your youngster is not intentionally trying to make you feel like a bad parent. Instead, she is trying to find out what works for her. If she does not do what you ask her to do and you let her get away with it, then it is worth her disobeying to get what she wants. In fact, if you let her get away with it even half of the time - or just sometimes - this is enough for your youngster to challenge your authority and disobey you.

15 tips for parents on how to turn parent-child conflict into a win-win situation:

1. At the end of the day, remind your youngster that he is special and loved. Help him look for something good about the day that is finished and the day that lies ahead.

2. Brag about your child to others when your child is within earshot. For example, tell your wife, ‘”You should have seen Jeremy at the barbershop. He sat up so tall and answered all the barber’s questions.”

3. Give your youngster something to do that he can’t do while misbehaving. For example, “Help me pick out six apples” instead of running around the grocery store. It is a good idea to offer two positive alternatives that are incompatible with the inappropriate behavior: “Would you like to choose the oranges or select the cereal?”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. Give your youngster two choices, both of which are positive and acceptable to you. When a youngster does something you don’t want him to do or doesn’t want to do what you have requested, give him a choice. For example, if your youngster balks about getting out of bed and ready for school, you say, “You may either get up or you go to bed an hour early tonight.” Then, “You choose, or I’ll choose” is the next choice if he is still reluctant. Usually, he’ll choose, but if not, follow through with the consequence that evening.

5. Instead of yelling, screaming or talking in a loud voice, surprise your youngster by lowering your voice to a whisper. This often evokes immediate attention and helps you stay in control and think more clearly. It’s our reactions to kid’s actions that teach them whether or not to repeat them. They’ll get your attention whichever way they can get it. Kids repeat the behavior that works.

6. Keep it simple. A parent should check frequently to make sure that the child is not overloaded with directions, expectations, and picky regulations. Not only does it make any child non-compliant, but also when surrounded by so many directions, a child will often forget what is expected.

7. Keep your eyes and mind on what is happening. Don’t wait until your youngster is out-of-control to step in. Remove him from the situation if necessary. Stay calm and emotionally detached. Let him know what his options are. Be firm but not mean.

8. Make a big deal over responsible, considerate, appropriate behavior with attention, thanks, praise, thumbs-up, recognition, hugs and special privileges. Kids want your eyeballs more than anything else, so you have to train yourself to look for the good behavior and look away when it is inappropriate (as long as it is not dangerous or destructive). If it is dangerous or destructive, you have to stop it in the least reinforcing way possible – quickly before it escalates.

9. Never embarrass your youngster in front of others. Always move to a private place to talk when there is a problem.

10. Set the rules together. This does not signify that a parent needs to comply with the wishes and demands of their children. Kids need an opportunity to tell their parents what they think and feel about the rules and regulations they are inclined to set. When this happens, kids are more likely to comply with the rules. When a child is asked what she feels about the rules or limits, the child usually feels that she has some sense of control of what is going on. When the child feels that she has some sense of control in a situation, the child is more willing to cooperate and comply. A good time to bring up the discussion of setting the home rules and setting the consequences would be during a family meeting where every member of the family is present.

11. Sometimes, simply use actions instead of words. Don’t say anything. When your youngster continues to get out of bed and comes to the living room, take him back to bed – as many times as it takes. Don’t get upset, talk, scold, threaten or give reasons. Stay calm. Your youngster will learn that nighttime is for sleeping and that you are serious about enforcing bedtime.

12. Tell your youngster to “take a break” and think about what he could do differently that would work better or be more constructive. Tell him that he can come back as soon as he is ready to try again. Put the ball in his court – and make him responsible for changing his behavior.

13. Children have learned that they don't have to cooperate right away. Most parents start off asking their children to do something nicely, and if they don't listen, parents ask a second time using a louder and firmer tone of voice, and then they escalate to threats, "If you don't start doing your homework right now, then you’re grounded tomorrow!" When begging, pleading and bribery fails, parents do what anyone in a state of desperation would do—they explode. They yell, rant and rave and dole-out consequences that are impossible to impose (e.g., "You’re grounded until you bring all your grades up to ‘C’ or above”). Children like to feel powerful, and seeing mom or dad pitch a fit is worth the consequences. Think in terms of teaching your children to listen instead of disciplining them for ignoring you. Teach children to listen using the A, B, C and D's:

A. Ask in a serious tone of voice

B. Be clear and specific

C. Communicate your request in 10 words or less

D. Don't make “not listening” an option

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

For example, if you ask your child to get ready for bed and he tunes you out, say, "Bedtime. Please, turn the television off." Don't walk away and hope he will do as he is told. Stay with him until it's done. Turn off the television yourself if needed, and just thank him for listening (reverse psychology here). Don't yell or threaten the child. Be creative. Getting ready for bed can be turned into a game, or you can give your child motivation to cooperate by saying, "Go get ready for bed and choose the book you want me to read." Be realistic. It will take time for your son or daughter to become better listeners, and it may very well take you time to learn to stay calm. In the meantime, be on the lookout for small improvements and make sure you praise your youngster for listening-up.
 

14. The best way to get our children to behave accordingly is to demonstrate the desired behavior ourselves. The three areas where role modeling is particularly helpful are as follows:

• BEING ACCOUNTABLE— How a child deals with accountability has a lot to do with how the parent deals with his own mistakes. The permissive parent will tend to hold themselves responsible and accountable for the mistakes of others. Autocratic parents will tend to point the finger, blame, and accuse others for their own mistakes. The democratic parent will tend to acknowledge that he or she made a mistake and finds a way to fix the error.
• BEING SOCIAL— As a parent, do we treat our children with courteous, dignity and respect, or do we treat them as if they were commodities? The way we talk and treat kids will determine the way they will respond and treat us. Do we dictate and command or request and ask that our children do what needs to be done? When a parent respects the rights, needs and wants for the child, the child will respect the rights, needs and wants of the parent. That is the way it works.
• BEING TIDY— We all want our children to be tidy and do their chores. Before we are able to demand tidiness from our kids, let us examine our own room. Do we demand that our children do their chores while there is laundry that requires to be done, dishes piled up in the sink, and clothes scattered everywhere in our own bedrooms?

15. Get the child's attention. Parents can reduce confusion and non-compliance by making sure that children are paying attention before giving instructions. To endure a child's attention, follow these steps:

• Precede every request by speaking the child's name.
• Get down to the child's level. The child will not feel inferior, but rather will feel as an equal because you have physically placed yourself at his or her physical level.
• Look into the child's eyes and speak directly to the child. The child will find it difficult to look elsewhere when someone has established eye contact.
• In some cases, it may be necessary to check the child's understanding by getting verification. A parent can ask, "Can you repeat to me what you need to do?"

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Sneaky Ways To Curb Teen Anger: 22 Tips For Parents

 "My daughter is an expert at taking a minor problem and turning it into a major catastrophe. She is honestly one the angriest people I know. HELP!!!"

When parenting angry teens, it’s easy to "take the bait" and turn a minor challenge into a major power struggle – but that ends up being miserable for everyone. Instead, there are steps you can take to prevent or defuse a conflict and help your angry teen learn valuable lessons about respect and cooperation.

1. “No” is a complete sentence. Teens are programmed to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary, and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your teens to have the belief that life should go their way – and if it doesn't, it's your fault as the parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem.

2. Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. The idea is to never discount your teen’s idea. Write all the suggestions down and then hand the list to your teen first. She will go through them and cross off the ones that she doesn't like. Then you get the paper and the opportunity to cross off the ones you don't like. Usually there will be two or three suggestions left that the two of you can come to an agreement about. This is a wonderful problem-solving method and with enough practice, it can be done without writing anything down.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

3. Don’t argue or challenge your teen when she’s angry. Many times moms and dads deal with angry outbursts by challenging their teens and shouting back. But this will just increase your feeling of being out of control. The best thing you can do is remain calm in a crisis. Think of it like this: If you get into a car accident and the other driver jumps out and yells at you, if you can remain calm, he will probably start to calm down and be rational. But if you yell back at him with an aggressive tone and say, “This was your fault mister,” the tension just stays elevated.

4. Don’t make empty threats. Giving harsh consequences – or multiple consequences – in the heat of the moment is a losing proposition. As you may have discovered, when you say to your teen, “O.K. Just for that, now you’re grounded for 2 weeks instead of one” …your teenager asserts, “I don’t care, screw you!” What’s really happening here is this: the mother or father has lost control and is desperately trying to regain control. Harsh consequences that seem never-ending to your teen are not effective, and will only make her angrier in that moment. Plus, most parents (after declaring that the child is grounding for 2 or 3 weeks) usually retract such a hard consequence later just to avoid further parent-child conflict.

5. Don’t try to reason with your teen when she’s in the middle of an “anger attack.” Many moms and dads fall back on logic when their teens are angry. After all, as grown-ups, we reason through things to defuse tense situations. This is always a challenge with teens, because they don’t have the same ability to stop and reason like we do. Thus, when you’re dealing with your angry teenager, you have to avoid using “reason” and use different techniques. Saying, “Why are you angry with me? You were the one who forgot your cell phone at school,” will only make your teen rage even more. She’s already “hurting” over the fact that she doesn’t have her cell phone, and now she perceives that you are rubbing salt in the wound. Instead, wait until she calms down, and then brainstorm some solutions.

6. Don’t wave the white flag. Some moms and dads give up when their teen throws a tantrum. The mother or father is emotionally overwhelmed and becomes paralyzed with indecision or gives in to avoid another bout of anxiety. If you’re this type of parent, you may find that your teen will get mad on purpose just to push your buttons – she will bait you by acting pissed or saying something hateful, because she knows that this will cause you to give in. So your job is to not take the bait (i.e., don’t get angry and don’t give in). Moms and dads sometimes have a tendency to renegotiate with their teen in these situations. They are having a hard time managing their own feelings, and as a result, they don’t know how to coach their teen properly in that moment. But remember, if you renegotiate, even every once in a while, you’re showing your teen that she gets her way in the end.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

7. Emotionally detach. Sometimes we create patterns of reactive behavior with our teens. They say or do something we don't like, we react to it, they say or do something else, we react to that, and pretty soon, we are reacting to each other. The parent-child conflict escalates and we begin to try to force our teens to do things they don't want. We aren't solving the problem, and our reactions are hurting our teen and ourselves. The first step in emotional detachment is to understand that reaction and control will not work. The next step is to get peaceful and balanced. Out of that calm state of mind, a solution or an intuitive thought will emerge that will effectively resolve the issue.

8. Give consequences for the behavior, not for the rage. When your teen throws a tantrum, make sure you give her consequences based on her behavior and not on her anger. For example, if she calls you a “bitch” during a rage attack, give her a consequence later for that infraction of the rules. But if all she does is stomp into her room and slam the door, then let that go. Teens get pissed just like adults do. They need to feel that they have a safe place to blow off some steam. As long as they’re not violating any major rules, allow them to have their angry time.

9. Give your teen appropriate ways to be powerful. We all want to feel powerful, and if your teen doesn't have opportunities to do it appropriately, she will create ways to feel powerful that are inappropriate (e.g., power struggles, picking on siblings, etc.). In the middle of a battle with your teen, stop and ask yourself, "How can I give her more power in this particular situation?" It might be as simple as asking her for help in coming up with a solution.

10. Give your teen choices. We all like to feel influential – and our teens are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For example, "Do you want to do your homework before or after dinner?" or "Do you want to have your friend over for pizza Friday or Saturday evening?"

11. Help your teen become aware of her sensitivities and tolerance level. Help her to see what she does and what she doesn't do when she gets overloaded. Urge her to verbalize her feelings and develop a reflective attitude toward her sensitivities. That way, she eventually learns to prepare herself for challenging situations.

12. Help your teen figure out what she needs. The most important way to help your angry teen is to become aware of her underlying insecurities and vulnerabilities and be as soothing as possible. Underneath the teen’s anger is her inability to let you know directly how much she needs you and how much she depends on you for comfort and security. The only response she knows is to act out (hardly a way to win friends). Therefore, you want to first gain your teen’s trust and confidence and somehow slip under her anger so that you can offer her what she really needs.

13. Let your teens know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to use anger as a coping strategy. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a video game or a fun activity.

14. Make your instructions fun and enjoyable. Many of us approach disciplining our teens with a serious, no-fun-allowed attitude. But think about how much more you learn when you are enjoying yourself. For example, try singing "no" (e.g., “no, not today”) instead of speaking in your usual admonishing tone of voice, or use a gibberish language to ask your teen to pick up her socks from the living room floor (e.g., “picky up socky’). Some parents think they don't have time to think of unique ways to teach their teens or that they aren't creative enough to come up with ideas. Those are just self-limiting thoughts, and you would be better served throwing them out of your brain. A great skill to have as parents is to think of fun ways to handle difficult situations. You might be able to immediately win a power struggle by forcing your teen to do something, but in the long run, you both lose.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

15. Pay attention to your physical reactions. It’s important to watch your physical reactions, because your senses will tell you, “Oh crap, here we go with another knock-down-drag-out battle.” You’ll feel your heart start beating faster and your muscles getting tight. Even though it’s hard to do, the trick is to act against that in some way and try to stay calm. Remember, you’re showing your teen how to handle anger in these moments. By staying calm, you’re not engaging in a power struggle, and paying attention to your own reactions will also help your teen pay attention to herself because she won’t need to worry about you “coming down on her.” When you don’t respond calmly, your teen will work even harder to “win the battle.

16. Stick with the major issues. The average teenager receives approximately 12 minutes a day in actual communication with her mom and/or dad. The parents spend 7 minutes of that time correcting or arguing with their teen. That only leaves about 5 minutes with anything positive going on. So, carefully choose the major issues to work on with your teen, and don't hassle her with a lot of minor complaints. Working on too many issues at once can be overwhelming.

17. Take care of yourself. Have you discovered that when you are tired and overworked that you become irritable and controlling of your teenager? Possibly the most important thing you can do for your teen is to take care of yourself. To be an effective, loving mother or father, you need a lot of energy and encouragement. Make time for yourself whether it is a bubble bath, yoga, or a light jog around the park. Knowing your early warning signs of burnout is also important (e.g., your shoulders getting tight, noticing that you are getting grumpy, a headache starts to come on, etc.). These are signs of not taking enough time for yourself, and if you don't take that time, you will most likely become resentful over the time others demand from you.

18. Teach your teens to say “no” to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren't allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-ass. Teach your teens to say respectfully, "No, I'm not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table." This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.

19. Understand that “bad” behavior is a form of communication. If we hold the belief that misbehaving teens are "bad," then we get drawn into trying to fix the bad teen and make her "good." That type of belief system sets up the power struggle. Instead, understand that your misbehaving teen is trying to communicate something to you, and it is your job to "get" that message. Ask her if her behavior is effective, is she getting the results she wants. In this way, the judgment is taken out of the equation. You might say, "This doesn't look like it is working because it is making you even angrier. What else can you try?" …or show curiosity about her behavior, "Babe, I'm curious, why did you do that?" You will probably get an honest answer and have a better understanding about what is going on with your teen.

20. Use self-calming. This is a technique you or your teen can do instead of reacting negatively to a situation. Take a break to get into a peaceful state of mind, to work through your feelings and find alternative solutions to the problem. It is a way to relax instead of reacting in an angry or hurtful way. Try going to a special space you have created for yourself that is peaceful. Ask yourself the following questions: (1) What is the issue? (2) What is my part in this issue? (3) What is one thing I can do to solve this problem?

21. Use signals. Sometimes when a parent and teen are working on resolving recurring conflict, it is helpful to have a signal that alerts both of them to this pattern of behavior. Use signals that you both have agreed upon and feel comfortable using. Remember the more power and control you give your teen, the more likely she will be to cooperate. Signals that are funny are also a light way of reminding each other about your patterns.

22. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. When your teen is angry with you for some reason, the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what your teen wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your teen, "I see how you can win in this situation – and that's great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?" When teens see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Violent Siblings: What Parents Can Do

"Any suggestions on how to handle two sons (only two years apart) who have no tolerance for one another and launch into a pushing/grabbing match over the most trivial of matters?"

Sibling violence is the physical, emotional or sexual abuse of one sibling by another. The physical violence can range from more mild forms of aggression between siblings (e.g., pushing and shoving) to very violent behavior (e.g., using weapons).

Often times, moms and dads don’t see the abuse for what it is. As a rule, parents and society expect fights and aggression between brothers and sisters. Because of this, parents often don’t see sibling violence as a problem until serious harm occurs.

Besides the direct dangers of sibling violence, the abuse can cause all kinds of long-term problems on into adulthood. Research shows that violence between siblings is quite common. In fact, it is probably even more common than child abuse (by parents) or spouse abuse. Unfortunately, the most violent members of American families are the kids.

Experts estimate that 3 kids in 100 are dangerously violent toward a brother or sister. One recent study puts the number of assaults each year to kids by a sibling at about 35 per 100 children. The same study found the rate to be similar across income levels and racial and ethnic groups. Likewise, many researchers have estimated sibling incest to be much more common than parent-child incest.

It seems that when violent acts occur between siblings, family members often don’t see it as abuse. How do you identify abuse? What is the difference between sibling violence and sibling rivalry?

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

At times, all siblings squabble and call each other mean names, and some young siblings may "play doctor." But here is the difference between typical sibling behavior and abuse: If one youngster is always the victim and the other youngster is always the aggressor, it is an abusive situation.

Some possible signs of sibling violence are:

• A youngster acts out abuse in play
• A youngster acts out sexually in inappropriate ways
• A youngster has changes in behavior, sleep patterns, eating habits, or has nightmares
• One youngster always avoids their sibling
• The kid’s roles are rigid: one youngster is always the aggressor, the other, the victim
• The roughness or violence between siblings is increasing over time

How can you identify sibling abuse? Here are some useful guidelines:

• How does the victim respond? Victims often respond to abuse from a brother or sister by protecting themselves, screaming and crying, separating themselves from the abuser, abusing a younger sibling in turn, telling their moms and dads, internalizing the abusive message, fighting back, or submitting.
• How often does it happen and how long does it go on? Acceptable behavior that is long and drawn out may become abusive over time.
• Is the behavior age-appropriate? Remember that generally you should confront fighting and jealousy even if you tend to think it is "normal."
• Is there a victim in the situation? A victim may not want to participate, but may be unable to stop the activity.
• What is the purpose of the behavior? If it tears down another person, it is abusive.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How can I prevent abuse from taking place between my kids?

• Create a family atmosphere where everyone feels at ease talking about sexual issues and problems.
• Don't give your older kids too much responsibility for your younger children (e.g., use after-school care programs, rather than leaving older kids in charge of younger ones after school).
• Keep an eye on your children’ media choices (e.g., TV, video games, and Internet surfing), and either join in and then discuss the media messages or ban the poor choices.
• Know when to intervene in your kids' conflicts, to prevent an escalation to abuse.
• Learn to mediate conflicts.
• Model good conflict-solving skills for your kids.
• Model non-violence for your kids.
• Set aside time regularly to talk with your kids one-on-one, especially after they've been alone together.
• Set ground rules to prevent emotional abuse, and stick to them (e.g., make it clear you will not put up with name-calling, teasing, belittling, intimidating, or provoking).
• Teach them to say “no” to unwanted physical contact.
• Teach your kids to "own" their own bodies.

What should I do if there's abuse going on between my children?

When one sibling hits, bites, or physically tortures a brother or sister, the normal rivalry has become abuse. You can't let this dangerous behavior continue. Here's what to do:

• After a cooling off period, bring all the children involved into a family meeting.
• Brainstorm many possible solutions to the problem, and ways to reach the goal.
• Continue to watch closely your kids' contacts in the future.
• Gather information on facts and feelings.
• Help the children work together to set a positive goal (e.g., they will separate themselves and take time to cool off when they start arguing).
• Help your children learn how to manage their anger.
• Make sure you don't ignore, blame, or punish the victim—while at the same time, not playing favorites.
• Make your expectations and the family rules very clear.
• State the problem as you understand it.
• Talk together about the list of solutions and pick the ones that are best for everyone.
• Whenever violence occurs between kids, separate them.
• Write up a contract together that states the rights and responsibilities of each youngster. Include a list of expected behavior, and consequences for breaking the code of conduct.

Can sibling relationships have lasting effects into adulthood?

In the last few years, more researchers have looked at the lasting effects of early experiences with sisters and brothers. Siblings can have strong, long-lasting effects on one another's emotional development as adults.

Research indicates that the long-term effects of surviving sibling violence can include:

o Alcohol and drug addiction

o Depression, anxiety, and low self-esteem

o Eating disorders

o Inability to trust; relationship difficulties

o Learned helplessness

Even less extreme sibling rivalry during childhood can create insecurity and poor self-image in adulthood. Sibling conflict does not have to be physically violent to take a long-lasting emotional toll. Emotional abuse (e.g., teasing, name-calling, isolation, etc.) can also do long-term damage. The abuser is also at risk—for future violent or abusive relationships (e.g., dating violence and domestic violence).

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Saying “No” Without Having An Argument With Your Child

According to parenting experts, the average youngster hears the word “no” an astonishing 400 times a week. That's not only tiresome for you, but it can also be harmful to your son or daughter. According to studies, children who hear “no” too often have poorer language skills than kids whose moms and dads offer more positive feedback. Also, saying “no” can become ineffective when it's overused (a little like crying wolf). Some children simply start to ignore the word, while others slip into a rage the minute that dreaded syllable crosses your lips. So what's a parent to do — let her kids run amok without any limits? Well, no! Parents can break out of the “yes-no tug-of-war” by coming up with new ways to set limits.

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Calling The Police On Abusive Teens

Question

My 17-year-old teenager is bigger and stronger than I am. He has threatened me physically on numerous occasions. I’m afraid to say or do anything wrong for fear of setting him off. What should I do?

Answer

There are times when your authority as a mother or father isn’t enough. If your teen has escalated to the point of physical abuse and destruction of property, or if he is engaging in dangerous behavior outside of the home, then calling the cops is definitely an option worth considering. You shouldn’t have to live in fear of your youngster, but you should be worried about how he will manage as an adult if he’s allowed to be “out of control” now.

Do school officials allow your teen to assault teachers or other students, punch holes in the wall, speak in a verbally abusive way to others, etc.? Of course not! In fact, the schools usually call the cops if a teenager assaults someone, uses drugs or is destructive. School officials take action because they understand something that moms and dads often lose sight of: if you don’t hold an abusive child accountable now – he will graduate to worse things in the future.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

What Parents Should Do When Their Teen Becomes Violent

If your adolescent starts to threaten you, to break things or to do anything physically violent, accept that you can’t stop him at this point. It can be dangerous to try to stop an adolescent when he is violent. The most important thing is to keep yourself and your other kids safe.

1. Don’t talk to your adolescent again until he is calm and respectful. Separate if needed.
2. If there are guns in your home, remove them until you feel safe around your adolescent at all times.
3. If there has not been an arrest, you may want to consider getting an At-Risk-Youth Petition through which your adolescent can be mandated to counseling.
4. If you stay in your home, try to stay in an area with access to an exit. Stay away from the kitchen or other areas where potential weapons might be available.
5. If your adolescent is physically violent, or you think he might become violent, call 911. Police response gives your youngster the message that his behavior is serious and it is a crime. It may also result in court intervention which can be a support for your family and mandate counseling for your adolescent. Calling the police is a difficult decision, however many mothers and fathers say that it was not until after the police were called that their child stopped using violence.
6. Immediately separate yourself and your younger kids from your violent adolescent. Go to another room or if necessary, leave the house.
7. Take precautions in your home by figuring out ahead of time what is the safest and fastest way out of the house.
8. Try to remain as calm as possible. Do not continue the argument or discussion.

What to say to your teen:

1. It is important to let your adolescent know that anytime he starts to use abusive or violent behavior that you will immediately separate from him, and that you will not talk or engage again until he is calm and respectful.
2. Let your adolescent know you will call 911 if there is any physical violence and be prepared to follow through.
3. Remember that most violence begins with abusive language, so separating at the start of abuse can prevent the escalation to violence.
4. The moment your adolescent starts any of these behaviors, say you are separating and immediately leave the room. If the behavior escalates, continue to ignore it and leave the house if necessary. Call the police if (a) it becomes physical, (b) you think it is heading that way, or (c) you feel afraid for yourself or others. Follow this plan of action every time your adolescent uses abuse or violence.
5. Be specific with your adolescent about what abusive behavior is that will prompt you to separate. We define abuse as any of the following behaviors:

• Any physical violence or aggression with people, property or pets
• Name calling or hurtful words
• Swearing at people
• Threatening behavior
• Yelling or screaming at people

Give the following messages to your teen when there has been violence:

1. 911 will be called if you are violent, or if I feel afraid for the safety of our family.
2. Violence is dangerous and it is against the law.
3. We will talk about consequences for your behavior after you calm down (this should include getting professional help).
4. When you are violent or abusive I will separate from you.
5. Your behavior was not safe. Our home needs to be a safe place.

Calling 911 sends an important message to the adolescent that violence is not acceptable and that it is a crime. If the adolescent is arrested or a police report is filed (sometimes the adolescent is not arrested and taken to detention, but a police report is filed) he will probably be required to attend counseling, which can be helpful. The court’s response can be the most effective consequence for an adolescent who is violent. Parents receive support from the court in enforcing the rule of nonviolence in the home.

You can call the police if your adolescent is physically violent (e.g., pushing, shoving, grabbing, kicking, hitting or any physical contact that is hurtful), violent with property (e.g., throwing things, hitting, punching, kicking doors, walls, cars, or destroying property of any kind), threatening to hurt or kill a person or pets, or interfering with a call to the police.

Anytime you are afraid your adolescent is going to become violent, you can call the police. If your adolescent has not become violent when the police arrive, let them know you were afraid and tell them of any past violence. Some parents say they feel embarrassed or “silly” calling the police when their adolescent hasn’t really been violent but they were scared it was heading that way. It is important, and you have a right, to call the police anytime you fear for the safety of yourself or other family members.

Calling the police to discipline a teenager is not only a call for help by a mother or father, it is an admission that the situation has gone beyond the point where the parents are able to manage the behavior of the abusive teenager.

Each call to a police department is treated as an emergency. When a parent contacts the police to discipline an abusive teenager, many departments will dispatch a social services unit or community services officer with the patrol or "sworn" officer (i.e., the one who carries a weapon and can arrest people). Many departments, however, do not have the resources to maintain such units.

The first person through your door will be an armed officer whose first responsibility is to ensure public safety and enforce the law. Officers never decide who's right and who's wrong at the time of the incident. If your teenager has broken a law, he may be taken into custody. The officer may try to calm you both down, summon a social service officer, or inform you that police are not authorized to act in situations where no law has been broken and that you will need to discipline your teenager yourself.

The officer who answers your call may only enforce discipline in two situations: the commission of a status or criminal offense. Although teens can be held responsible for breaking laws, the law does not treat them the same way as grown-ups. They are often diverted to special "juvenile courts" or "alternative dispositions," such as community service.

Truancy, underage drinking, tobacco and curfew violations are examples of offenses based on a teenager's status as a juvenile; they may result in the issuance of a citation or, in extreme situations, removal of the teenager from the home for evaluation. Citations are often dealt with in a municipal or town court.

If your teenager has broken a criminal law, it is the duty of the officer to arrest him and deliver him to the judicial system. Many juvenile courts have social service departments that handle youthful offenders and some have "diversionary" or restorative programs that deal with first offenders.

Sometimes police make an arrest even though the parent requests they don’t arrest their teenager. The decision to arrest is the officer’s decision, not the parent’s. However, if you want your child to be arrested, explain his behavior to the officer and let them know if there have been previous violent incidents. Inform the officer if you do not feel safe with your child is at home.

Most moms and dads have mixed feelings when their teenager is arrested (e.g., feeling guilty, shocked, tearful, and like they are a bad parent). But they often report that their child’s abusive behavior decreased after the arrest. Most parents say that calling the police was one of the hardest, but most beneficial decisions they have ever made for their teen. They are finally getting help and there is no longer violence in the home.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Understanding Your Defiant Teen’s Resentment and Aggression

Teenage anger takes many forms. It may be expressed as indignation and resentment, or rage and fury. It is the expression of teen anger -- the behavior -- that we as parents see. Some teenagers may repress their anger and withdraw while others may be more defiant and destroy property. In this post, we will look at what happens when “normal” teenage anger turns into resentment and aggression.

Why such resentment and aggression in my child?

1. It’s important to make a distinction between resentment and aggression. When you’re resentful, you feel as if you’ve been wronged; you want to get back at someone. Aggression is about striking back, but resentment is more a sense of defensiveness and waiting for an attack. In other words, resentment is the attitude, and aggression is the action. So the attitude is, “I hate that you try to control me.” Aggression is the behavior you get.

2. Moms and dads may feel some “hatred” coming from their defiant teen, and they often overreact to that by doing something that makes them feel powerful (e.g., yelling, screaming, threatening, etc.). But these responses don’t solve the problem or motivate your youngster to take responsibility for her own aggression.

3. Once your teen is in an agitated state, she’s thinking that you’re the enemy, that you don’t understand, and she’s blaming you and other authority figures. She sees herself as a “victim.”

4. Part of the function of aggression is to build a wall. It’s like a brick mason: aggression is meant to stop you from getting too close.

5. Another reason for a resentful attitude is that parents are comparing their teenager to other teens – or to themselves when they were teenagers. This often happens when the teenager has gotten in trouble or has started to get bad grades. Moms and dads need to remove statements such as “you should be more like…” -or- “when I was a teen…” -or- “you used to be so…” out of their conversations with their teenager. This allows the teen to start at the present and improve from there rather than constantly “living down” the past.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Some teens want to appear “out of control” whether they are or not. So remember, aggressive teens get more control by looking like they’re losing control. And that’s the agenda – to gain control.

7. Defiant teens are very ambivalent about their moms and dads during their teen years. They love you when you’re nice to them, but they hate you when you tell them what to do. This is because they still “need” you – but at the same time – they wish they didn’t.

8. Teens that are chronically “pissed-off” are like this because they have developed a way of thinking that makes them the “injured party” all the time. These “thinking errors” tell them that things are never fair, that their moms and dads are unreasonable, and that their educators are “retarded.” They think that nobody understands them but their peers. After teens have used these “distortions in thinking” for awhile, they get into even more trouble and develop an increasing sense of hyper-vigilance.

9. Another reason for unreasonable resentment on your teen’s part is depression. Resentment is one of the symptoms of depression and can be a warning sign that something else is happening in your adolescent’s life outside the normal realm of teenage defiance. Questions to ask are:

• Are they acting confused?
• Are they eating more or less than usual?
• Are they feeling guilty about something?
• Are they having difficulty concentrating?
• Are they more angry or irritable?
• Are they seeing or hearing things that others don’t?
• Are they sleeping more or less than they have in the past?
• Do they have a lack of patience with others or with themselves?
• Do they seem to have lost their energy?
• Have they been crying a lot?
• Has there been a significant weight gain or loss?
• Have they lost interest in their usual activities?
• Is their self-esteem lower?
• Is there an increased interest in sexual desires to the point where they are “acting it out”?

Teenagers often respond to stressors of new situations by getting depressed (e.g., attending a new school, breakup of friendships, divorce or other parental problems, recent move to a new neighborhood or city). Look back a few months and note the changes in your son’s/daughter’s life.

10. Here’s a big one: Low Self-Esteem. Resentful, aggressive teens have a very small sense of self-worth.

What resentful teens often say:

• "When my parents make me feel bad, it reminds me of all the other times that people make me feel bad. I already don’t like myself, and criticism just makes it worse."
• "I get resentful at my parents because they argue with each other. I don’t respect them."
• "I get resentful because I love my parents and they act like they hate each other. How am I supposed to respect them when they act like that?"
• "I get resentful when I have a lot of things on my mind that I can’t do anything about and then my parents ask me to do something when I’m already tired and over loaded."
• "I get resentful when my parents are unfair and there’s no point in talking to them."
• "I get resentful when my parents ask me how my day went. I’m trying to forget it and they make me remember it. I wouldn’t care if they didn’t make everything worse."
• "I get resentful when my parents make me feel guilty for something that already happened. I get tired."
• "I get resentful when there are other priorities, no time for me and I feel like I don’t matter."
• "I treat my parents the same way they treat me."
• "I’d rather be resentful at my parents than feel afraid or feel hurt. I’d probably hurt myself if I wasn’t resentful at them. That’s no excuse but that’s how I feel."
• "My parents are stupid. They don’t understand. They just say they do, but they don’t. I can’t stand to be around them."

So what can parents do to reduce resentment and aggression in their teenagers?

1. Do not allow rude and disrespectful behavior. If you "over-react" (rather than respond) to their putdowns and backtalk, you're allowing it! Learn to walk away and say something like: "If you continue to talk to me that way, the consequence will be __________” (insert serious consequence). Is he/she continues to “trash you” over the course of the next few minutes (less than 5), then follow through with the consequence.

2. Do not let yourself be swayed by the "but everyone else is doing it" line. You know what is best for your teenager and the hostility they feel towards you for putting your foot down will soon pass – and they even thank you later.

3. Don’t try to talk your youngster out of her resentment, and don’t try to reason with her. Reasoning just gives your youngster a feeling of false power (i.e., more of a sense that she’s in control and you’re not).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

4. If there are clothes or electronic items they want that exceed your budget, make them pay a portion of the cost. They will appreciate what they have much more and will less likely grow up with a sense of entitlement.

5. If you tend to do things for your defiant teen in order to get her to love you, she might love you – she might not! But if you do things and carry yourself in such a way that she respects you, then she will “want” to love you. Teens tend to “want” to love the parents they respect.

6. Make sure you set clear and consistent boundaries. Teens do well when the guidelines are clear. Even if they argue with your rules, stick to them anyway. Part of the role of adolescence is to oppose their moms and dads.

7. Make yourself emotionally and physically available despite your teenager wanting distance from you. They're on the fence. Part of them is leaving the nest and the other part of them needs the safety and security of home.

8. Remember, you’re not looking for friendship, love and affection. Rather, you’re looking to gain their respect.

9. Respect their personal space. It is not your right as a mother or father to randomly snoop through your teenager's room. They do not become more trustworthy by hearing, “I don't trust you anymore.” If you have no reason to snoop – don't do it.

10. Show an interest in the things that interest them. Grab any chance you get, just to chat (e.g., in the car when you're chauffeuring them places). They still need to know their life is important to us.

11. The more you ask, “Why the attitude?” …the more your youngster will simply state (or scream) her case. Thus, never question “the attitude.”

12. Get professional help if things do not improve!

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When Your Child's Grades Start To Drop

"My son did so good in the 6th grade, but now in middle school, he can barely bring home anything better than a C. Any suggestions?!"

Sound familiar?

When your youngster brings home that report card showing grades that are less than great (and maybe downright pitiful), sometimes it's difficult to know what to do. Do you act like it doesn't matter, have a long discussion with your son or daughter about the importance of grades, or automatically discipline them for having bad grades? While all of these may seem to be tempting options, it's important that you actually work with your children to help them start improving their grades.

If your child’s grades seem to be going down the toilet, here are 25 things you can do to “save the day”:

1. Bad grades can be a result of a variety of problems. So, the first thing to do is take stock of why you child is not getting the grades you think he/she should. Is it just because he/she is lazy or is there another problem? Are they having trouble seeing the board? Do they understand what the teacher is saying? Do they ask questions when they don’t understand? Does he/she have trouble remembering what they have learned? Do you put too much pressure on them to perform and maybe they are not as capable as you think they are? Are they bored? These are definitely questions you should be finding the answer to – without grilling the child. Simply ask them to be open with you so you can work together.

2. What worked in the past? Think about a time when your youngster got his homework done well and with no hassles. What was different? What made it work that time? Ask your youngster about it and believe what he says. See what works and motivates him instead of what motivates you.

3. Have realistic goals. When you structure your youngster’s study time to help him bring his grades back to an acceptable level, be realistic in your goals. Remember, it took time for your youngster to get behind, so you need to allow time for him to catch up. Get actively involved in your youngster’s homework by reviewing it and helping with study strategies. On occasion, try to be present during study time. If you can’t be there, try to get your youngster into in an after school program or ask another trusted grown-up to be there with them.

4. Despite the fact good study habits are, largely, a discipline we instill in our kids, we must always bear in mind that learning through play inspires kids to learn more. So, any opportunity to mix play and learning together should be taken. Hence, making learning play is a study skill. Note TV and video-computer games are not considered play since they increase anxiety and aggression.

5. Don’t restrict your youngster from ALL privileges until his grades improve. Restricting your youngster from all of his privileges until he brings his grades up usually backfires. In effect, you end up taking away something that might actually motivate him to improve. Instead, require your youngster to study for a certain amount of time each day to earn those extra privileges that evening.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

6. Teach your child to manage interruptions. He should turn his communications off when he studies. Even better, put them out of site. If the cell phone rings or an email announces itself, what happens? Many students struggle with managing interruptions like these, and work grinds to a halt.

7. Good study skills emphasize relaxing and thinking about the challenge (brainstorming possible solutions) before tackling it. Creating a plan of attack ahead of time is often helpful to the child. In this way assignments can be simplified and completed in small, digestible bites, avoiding any overwhelming feelings.

8. Good study skills mean once homework is begun, no distractions should be allowed. This teaches kids to concentrate on their studies. Some children like to stand up and then sit down while studying. This can increase circulation and aid attention and is okay. Other kids like to put on their favorite study hat when they do homework as a physical reminder to help them concentrate on their work.

9. Give your child a bottle of water. He needs to stay topped up with enough to concentrate fully. Keep a bottle nearby, because good study habits depend on hydration.

10. Homework should be prioritized, with the most difficult tasks completed first, while the youngster is fresh and alert, or, alternatively, waiting until a parent arrives home to tackle an especially difficult problem.

11. It is important that kids begin their studies soon after arriving home, with no noise or distractions to interfere with their doing homework. A desk, adequate lighting, quiet, and a comfortable chair are a good start. Giving school studies the highest priority at home causes kids to give it a high priority in their lives.

12. Kids may have different learning styles. Some kids learn better by hearing, others by seeing a demonstration, and still others by reading. Keep in mind that your youngster may have a learning style that suits him best. Teach to his style. For deeper learning, use all three styles together.

13. Within the parameters you set around schoolwork, your youngster should be free to make his own choices. You need to back off a bit as a parent. Otherwise you won’t be helping him with his responsibilities. If you take too much control over the situation, it will backfire on you by turning into a power struggle.

14. Make sure your youngster is paying attention to the teacher. His eyes should always be on the teacher when she is talking. One way to confirm that he is paying attention is to check with the teacher. A second method is visiting the class and seeing for yourself. Another way is to make sure he is regularly answering and asking questions in class. Hence, when he arrives home, ask him about his class participation.

15. Meet with your youngster’s teacher. Call your youngster’s teacher and ask for a meeting. Tell her what you are seeing at home—and then ask what she has observed in the classroom. Ask her for any ideas she might have to help your youngster get back on track.

16. Moms and dads must use their own judgment to determine, for example, if the kids should play for a short time, after school, before commencing their homework, or if they should dive into it immediately, and how long study breaks should be. What is best will be determined by what works for your family. Remember to praise kids for work completed properly and on time. It may be that your kids will move heaven and earth to get their homework done if allowed to play right after school with their friends. Again, what works best for your family will determine your decisions. Bear in mind, however, that the later in the day school study begins, the less its importance becomes in the youngster's mind and the more likely the youngster will tire before completing it.

17. Putting difficult problems into one's own words can help a youngster understand the problem better, instead of relying on rote learning. Beware of rote learning where your youngster can repeat the solution to a problem, but doesn't understand what she is saying. Therefore, stress to her that understanding the problem is more important.

18. Regular scheduled play breaks are important. A play break can be used as a reward after a particular problem is completed correctly. In this way the completion of a difficult problem is associated with a reward, play. What's more, a play break should not involve TV or computer games, but physical movement like playing with friends or going outside to play with the dog. Video-computer games and TV increase anxiety and aggression. These activities are associated with obesity and decreased learning in school. What's more, they interfere with old fashioned play and, therefore, increase obesity.

19. Rewarding a student for good grades is a judgment call. If it works for your youngster, why not, but remember the bottom line is that our kids learn to enjoy learning for its own sake. This is why making learning fun and learning through play are such excellent study skills.

20. Set limits around homework time (e.g., weekend activities don’t happen until work is completed; if grades are failing or falling, take away screen time so your youngster can focus and have more time to concentrate on his work; homework is done in a public area of your house; homework is done at the same time each night, etc.).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

21. A common problem for many children is a lack of structure in their after school schedule. Make sure sports or other clubs do not come first, with homework being fit in at the end of the day when your youngster is tired. This is not a good lesson to teach your youngster, because it gives them the message that play comes before work—and is therefore more important than work. Schoolwork has to be prioritized, and a structure has to be set up so it isn’t squeezed in at the last minute.

22. Stop the nightly fights. The way you can stop fighting with your children over homework every night is to stop fighting with them tonight. Disengage from the dance. Choose some different steps or decide not to dance at all. Let homework stay where it belongs—between the teacher and the student. Refuse to get pulled in by the school in the future. Stay focused on your job, which is to help your youngster do his job.

23. Study habits are learned at home. Parenting means teaching our kids these skills and making them habits. Study skills are so important to good grades that some think grades really measure how well moms and dads teach their kids to study, particularly in the primary grades.

24. Take a break. If you feel yourself getting reactive or frustrated, take a break from helping your youngster with homework. Your blood pressure on the rise is a no-win for everyone. Take five or ten minutes to calm down, and let your youngster do the same if you feel a storm brewing.

25. Talk to your youngster about what’s going on. Have a frank conversation with your youngster about his grades. Say, “Look, I’ve been letting you manage your homework on your own, but it’s not working. Now we’re going to set up a study time every day where I supervise your work. We can talk about not doing that once your grades get back up where they need to belong. But in the meantime, we have to seriously set aside some time to work on this.”

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents