Refine - Refine - Refine

Hi Mark,

I have a son, N____, who is 6yrs and has been a great challenge for us as parents particularly from around the age of 1. He had very wild tantrums through the years quite often. Jumping to the present time I am grateful for the insight my friend and psychologist has given me about him. He informed me about ODD – oppositional defiant disorder and gave me website to check out. This brought me to you and I purchased your e-book and have been working my way through it. But I find it seems to be referring to older children, which may be connected as to why he is not responding to my attempts.

He is extremely strong willed and determined to be in control. He is very defiant and rebellious and breaks the discipline. I admit I have not been so good at keeping emotion out of my responses to him or not arguing with him. But we are at crisis point and don’t know what to do. We changed track with him the other night when my husband put him to bed early without dinner! He hated that but got up the next morning with the same behaviour.

We have 4 children – 21, 19, 15 and 6. 1st and 3rd child are quite easy going but the 2nd child has always been a burden for us. It is only recently that she has been diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and ODD. She is currently in a clinic for help. All my children have been born premature and the 2nd and last child born 5 and 6 weeks early. Now I am aware of mild learning disorders in the family. Nathan has Hyperlexia and is starting classes relating to this. His difficult behaviour is off and on. It comes in waves. Sometimes he is very delightful for weeks and then its back on for weeks. This bad patch has been going on a few weeks since going back to school after the holidays.

What are your thoughts and feelings toward these details I have shared Mark?

Regards,

E.

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Hi E.,

The strategies in the eBook apply to children between the ages of 3 and 17. I doubt that his lack of “responding” is due to the age-appropriateness of the program. The goals of this program are to (a) foster the development of self-reliance in the child and (b) provide intensity (e.g., attention, interest, energy) ONLY when the child is behaving according to expectations. Thus, age is not the important issue here.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Child eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give him at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with him each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?"

If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

13. Have you listened to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Don’t give up just yet. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

==> Join Online Parent Support

Poor Academic Performance

Mark:

We just signed up for your program today and wonder where you have been for these past two turbulent years. Our son is a 14 year old freshman. He is very gifted academically (has tested in 90thpercentile on all standardized tests and qualified for honors classes). He is also gifted in the arts and music. For most of his 14 years we have not had major problems. Matthew was adopted at birth and diagnosed with ADD in 4th grade. He has been seeing therapists for the past two years, because he began displaying depression, self-cutting, and defiance. He takes Adderall and Lexapro. Matthew's new defiance is to refuse to do his homework. We have tried bribing, threatening, ignoring, and begging. We have attached his requests for a privilege (ie: going to a friends) to completion of his homework. He chooses not to socialize with friends as oppose to doing homework. We have sat and watched an "A" student turn into a "C-D" student and this semester is carrying "Ds and Fs". He does not seem to be phased that he is running the risk of not playing on the school soccer team next year. Yet tells everyone he loves playing soccer for his school. He does not seem phased that he may be kicked out of the Catholic school he attends or may need to repeat 9th grade. His father and I are at our wits end. We are open to any suggestions. We can say with almost 100% certainty that he is not drinking or doing drugs (his doctors have screened him for that and came up negative).

Please send any suggestions.

Thank You,

C.

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Hi C.,

First (and most importantly), be sure to only do 1 session per week. To implement a bunch of new parenting changes all at once will be the kiss of failure.

Secondly, the recommendation (see link below) for poor academic performance depends on whether or not (a) poor performance is an ongoing source of parent-child conflict and (b) the child has a history (one grading period or more) or poor academic performance.

Click here ==> Poor Academic Performance to go to the Q & A page of the Online Version of the eBook where you will be given 2 options for dealing with this problem. Pick the option that best fits your current situation.

Thanks for the question. Stay in touch,

Mark

What happens to children with ODD when they grow up? Will they become criminals?

Podcast Segment on ODD, Mark Hutten, M.A.


Parenting Children with ODD

4 year old student diagnosed with ODD...

Mr. Hutten,

I am a Preschool Teacher that has a 4 year old student that has been diagnosed with ODD. I was wondering if you could help me with any suggestions in helping this child. I use the Parenting with Love and Logic on this child and believe in giving him choices so that he feels he is still in control, of course I am happy with the two choices that I give him, but would appreciate any other suggestions in helping this child.

Thank you,

Penny

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Hi Penny,

Here is an e-Book on Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD), Conduct Disorder (CD), and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) by my colleague Jim Chandler, MD. He works on the pharmaceutical side of intervention, whereas I work on the behavioral modification side.

==> CLICK HERE to go to the e-Book.

How To Ground?

I have a question about grounding. Lets say I ground Dylan from his ps2 for 3 days for being sent to alternative school. So I take the controllers and he continues to act out and mouth off (because its BS he cant use his ps2 cause he did NOTHING wrong-naturally). I can restart the 3 days for each time he acts out but truly we would be up to 45days of no ps2 before the first 3 days is even up. Dylan accepts no punishment generally. Because well he has never done anything wrong and everyone is out to get him. So in reference to earning his way out do I say well you re up to 45 days of no ps2 because of your actions and your mouthing off but if you will talk to me and your teachers with respect for the next 3 days you will earn your ps2 back in 3 days?

I dont get it but I want to. Because "I" could never survive the 45 days of grounded and he knows it. Its not realistic and I feel like the lesson of you cant yell and cuss at the teacher is so far off from where it started and about a ps2 struggle now. So lets say ok he is good for 3 days- earns his ps2 back did he learn not to misbehave at school and not get sent to alternative school or did he learn he can act as horrible as he possibly and do whatever he wants and then "act" sweet for 3 days and its all over?

I am truly trying to grasp all of this because I have no idea. I am the poster child of the passive parent so discipline in NOT my gig at all and its very hard me. But I am trying ! I am on page 29 of the ebook and want a clear understanding of how that works before I move on.


Thanks -

S.

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Hi S.,

This is covered in Session #2 <== click.

Be sure to read "How Do You Eat An Elephant" [located near the bottom of the page].

Mark

Temper Tantrums (Ages 3-12): Guidelines for Parents

“I have a stepchild who is 13 years old and has tantrums that can last for hours. There are 6 other siblings in the house and this can be exhausting. Last night, his tantrum or fit lasted 3 hours. His father sent him outside and we told him he could come back in and finish his homework when he finished his fit. The yelling and screaming and pushing the doorbell and the horn in the truck was just part of it.”

It is much easier to prevent temper tantrums than it is to manage them once they have erupted. Here are some tips for preventing temper tantrums and some things you can say:

• Avoid boredom. Say, “You have been working for a long time. Let’s take a break and do something fun.”
• Change environments, thus removing the child from the source of the temper tantrum. Say, “Let’s go for a walk.”
• Choose your battles. Teach children how to make a request without a temper tantrum and then honor the request. Say, “Try asking for that toy nicely and I’ll get it for you.”
• Create a safe environment that children can explore without getting into trouble. Childproof your home or classroom so children can explore safely.
• Distract children by redirection to another activity when they tantrum over something they should not do or cannot have. Say, “Let’s read a book together.”
• Do not ask children to do something when they must do what you ask. Do not ask, “Would you like to eat now?” Say, “It’s suppertime now.”
• Give children control over little things whenever possible by giving choices. A little bit of power given to the child can stave off the big power struggles later. “Which do you want to do first, brush your teeth or put on your pajamas?”
• Increase your tolerance level. Are you available to meet the child’s reasonable needs? Evaluate how many times you say, “No.” Avoid fighting over minor things.
• Keep off-limit objects out of sight and therefore out of mind. In an art activity keep the scissors out of reach if children are not ready to use them safely.
• Make sure that children are well rested and fed in situations in which a temper tantrum is a likely possibility. Say, “Supper is almost ready, here’s a cracker for now.”
• Establish routines and traditions that add structure. For teachers, start class with a sharing time and opportunity for interaction.
• Keep a sense of humor to divert the child’s attention and surprise the child out of the tantrum.
• Provide pre-academic, behavioral, and social challenges that are at the child’s developmental level so that the child does not become frustrated.
• Reward children for positive attention rather than negative attention. During situations when they are prone to temper tantrums, catch them when they are being good and say such things as, “Nice job sharing with your friend.”
• Signal children before you reach the end of an activity so that they can get prepared for the transition. Say, “When the timer goes off 5 minutes from now it will be time to turn off the TV and go to bed.”
• When visiting new places or unfamiliar people explain to the child beforehand what to expect. Say, “Stay with your assigned buddy in the museum.”

 ==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children

 

There are a number of ways to handle a temper tantrum once it’s underway. Strategies include the following:

• Hold the child who is out of control and is going to hurt himself or herself or someone else. Let the child know that you will let him or her go as soon as he or she calms down. Reassure the child that everything will be all right, and help the child calm down. Parents may need to hug their child who is crying, and say they will always love him or her no matter what, but that the behavior has to change. This reassurance can be comforting for a child who may be afraid because he or she lost control.
• Remain calm and do not argue with the child. Before you manage the child, you must manage your own behavior. Spanking or yelling at the child will make the tantrum worse.
• Think before you act. Count to 10 and then think about the source of the child’s frustration, this child’s characteristic temperamental response to stress (hyperactivity, distractibility, moodiness), and the predictable steps in the escalation of the temper tantrum.
• Try to intervene before the child is out of control. Get down at the child’s eye level and say, “You are starting to get revved up, slow down.” Now you have several choices of intervention.
• You can ignore the tantrum if it is being thrown to get your attention. Once the child calms down, give the attention that is desired.
• If the child has escalated the tantrum to the point where you are not able to intervene in the ways described above, then you may need to direct the child to time-out (see “Resources”). If you are in a public place, carry your child outside or to the car. Tell the child that you will go home unless he or she calms down. In school warn the child up to three times that it is necessary to calm down and give a reminder of the rule. If the child refuses to comply, then place him or her in time-out for no more than 1 minute for each year of age.
• Talk with the child after the child has calmed down. When the child stops crying, talk about the frustration the child has experienced. Try to help solve the problem if possible. For the future, teach the child new skills to help avoid temper tantrums such as how to ask appropriately for help and how to signal a parent or teacher that the he or she knows they need to go to “time away” to “stop, think, and make a plan.” Teach the child how to try a more successful way of interacting with a peer or sibling, how to express his or her feelings with words and recognize the feelings of others without hitting and screaming.
• You can place the child in time away. Time away is a quiet place where the child goes to calm down, think about what he or she needs to do, and, with your help, make a plan to change the behavior.
• You can positively distract the child by getting the child focused on something else that is an acceptable activity. For example, you might remove the unsafe item and replace with an age-appropriate toy.

Post-Tantrum Management:

• Do not reward the child after a tantrum for calming down. Some children will learn that a temper tantrum is a good way to get a treat later.
• Explain to the child that there are better ways to get what he or she wants.
• Never let the temper tantrum interfere with your otherwise positive relationship with the child.
• Never, under any circumstances, give in to a tantrum. That response will only increase the number and frequency of the tantrums.
• Teach the child that anger is a feeling that we all have and then teach her ways to express anger constructively.

==> My Out-of-Control Child: Help for Parents with Defiant Children

What do I do now? Where do we go from here?

Dear Mark:

I'm sure you must be told this often, but I have to say thank you. I have been listening to and reading the material provided in your out-of-control child site and feel a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Last evening I literally cried my eyes out, not knowing what to do in regard to my daughter. She is 15, has an IQ of 144, is very intelligent and thinks I am a poor excuse for a parent. My rules are stupid, my choices are insane ... and all I'm trying to do is help her see that balance is an issue in her life and am trying to influence her so that she might choose not to run herself into the ground as she does everything for everyone around her but completely discounts her family. She transmits and receives over 6000 text messages a month, yet couldn't tell you two things about the weekly lives of her younger brother, her stepfather or her mother. My approach to her has not worked. I am a textbook example of everything I have read to this point of the wrong way to do things, as I am about to begin the chapter on fair fighting.

If my daughter were stealing, drinking, acting out inappropriately sexually, I feel I would have had a better support system. I have worked within the local law enforcement agency and court for the last 6 years. My daughter is a good kid who lives a clean and good life, and that has sometimes made it more difficult to contend with the issues that arise because really, she is a good kid and many would give anything to have a child like her ... they simply do not see the day to day perils that are in our life. I am very proud of her accomplishments and do a great deal to support her in her endeavors, but I have been resentful that she shows little or no appreciation for our efforts. I want you to know that you are not only touching the lives of parents whose children's lives will see the inside of jails and courts and detention halls, but also my family's lives where kids truly are smarter than their parents and will do incredible things w ith their drive and their energy, and not in spite of their parents, but with the parental support that also seeks a well rounded individual to come from that child ... as we strive for harmony and balance with a strong willed gifted child. The Scream Free Parenting video was a godsend ... I watched it three times ... combined with the other information I read and listened to that point, I knew I had found the help I need.

So, I'm an amateur here but thank you for the support that I have been able to gain today. My attitude has changed 180 degrees. I know I can change my attitude, my behavior, my way of dealing with things as it has been explained to me in your program. That is the life line I so desperately needed today. I must have said to my husband a dozen times last night, "I don't know what to do. What do I do now? Where do we go from here?" I truly felt completely lost and had no idea what to do beyond breathe. I woke up several times during the night and literally prayed out loud for the Lord to point me in the direction he intends me to go and to please line that path with neon as I didn't think I could find it any other way. I got on the computer this morning looking for sites that would speak to the setting of limits for gifted children, and found you. I do believe you are a gift to us directly from God. Your site is an answered prayer. I will glorify God by reading every word, listening to every syllable and giving my very best effort to effecting a positive change in my life and thereby affecting my family in the same positive way. I'm sure you will hear more from me as I journey through this material. I just had to thank you for giving me the direction I needed so desperately today. I have rambled through this email and am going to send it as it is, without perfecting the grammar or cutting out unnecessary verbiage (you must know just from reading this that is my personality) ... it no doubt will be fun to look back at and to see the growth your program has effected in my life.

God bless you ... as He has me with your program. A million times, thank you.

C.

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