Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 

 

We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:

• Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
• They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
• Every request results in a power struggle
• Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
• Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
• They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
• And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:

• A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
• Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
• Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
• Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
• Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
• Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
• Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

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Parental Frustration in Raising Defiant Teens

"I get so frustrated with my rebellious 13-year-old son - and often lose my temper! You can’t leave him alone for a minute without problems of some sort (won’t go into all that here though). Am I a bad mother? How can I avoid over-reacting like this? I know I'm throwing gas on the fire!!"

Most moms lose their temper with their teens from time to time. It's OK to feel angry …just don’t take it out on your son. If you feel angry with your son almost every day or have trouble controlling your temper, get some help. There's no shame in that! Start by talking to your family doctor. Also, there are groups that can help moms, too. You can join our support group here:

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

When you get frustrated and upset, give yourself a break (rather than getting angry, and then feeling guilty for getting angry). Everyone needs a break from being a parent once in a while. If you have another adult in your family, take turns getting away. 

For example, have your partner stay with your son so you can visit friends. Take turns sleeping late on the weekends. If you're a single parent, ask friends and relatives to help by running some errands for you. Maybe they could stay with your son while you go out.

Know that frustration is normal. All moms get frustrated. Teens take a lot of time and energy. Parenting is even harder when you have problems in your life (e.g., worries about your job, your bills, your relationships, problems with alcohol or drugs, etc.). To be a good mother, you have to take care of yourself!!! That means getting help for YOUR issues first ...then you can work on your son.

No mom or dad is perfect. They all make mistakes. Even very passive parents sometimes say and do things they don't mean to do (e.g., yell at their child or call him/her a "bad" name). But if you think you're having trouble controlling yourself, get help so a pattern of emotional abuse doesn't start.

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Butting Heads with Your Defiant Teen: Tips for Parents

The primary goal of adolescence is to achieve independence. For this to occur, they will start pulling away from their moms and dads — especially the parent whom they're the closest to. This can come across always seeming to have different opinions than their parents, or not wanting to be around them in the same way they used to.

As adolescents mature, they start to think more abstractly and rationally. They're forming their moral code. And moms and dads may find that teens who previously had been willing to conform to please them will suddenly begin asserting themselves — and their opinions — strongly and rebelling against parental control.

Adolescence can be a confusing time of change for all family members. But while these years can be difficult, there's plenty you can do to nurture your adolescent and encourage responsible behavior. Use the parenting tips below to deal with the challenges of raising a difficult, defiant adolescent.

40 tips for parents with defiant teens:

1. Avoid punishing your adolescent when you're angry.

2. Avoid reprimanding your adolescent in front of his or her friends.

3. Avoid ultimatums. Your adolescent may view an ultimatum as condescending and interpret it as a challenge.

4. Be a good role model. Your actions -- even more than your words -- are critical in helping adolescents adopt good moral and ethical standards.  If teens have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious adolescent years.

5. Be concise. Keep your rules short and to the point.

6. Be consistent when you enforce limits. Whatever disciplinary tactic you choose, relate the consequences to the broken rule and deliver them immediately. Limit punishments to a few hours or days to make them most effective.

7. Be flexible. As your adolescent demonstrates more responsibility, grant him or her more freedom. If your adolescent shows poor judgment, impose more restrictions.

8. Be prepared to explain your decisions. Your adolescent may be more likely to comply with a rule when he or she understands its purpose.

9. Be reasonable. Avoid setting rules your adolescent can't possibly follow. A chronically messy son or daughter may not be able to maintain a spotless bedroom overnight.

10. Be specific. For example, rather than telling your adolescent not to stay out late, set a specific curfew.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


11.  Choose your battles wisely. Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (e.g., smoking, getting a tattoo) -- those things matter. Purple hair, a messy room -- those don't matter. Don't nitpick.

12. Decide rules and discipline in advance with the other parent. If you have a two-parent family, it's important for both mom and dad to have their own discussion so they can come to some kind of agreement and stay on the same page. Whether you ban your teens from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a day or a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use -- whatever -- set it in advance. If the teenager says it isn't fair, then you have to agree on what is fair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.

13. Discuss "checking in." Give adolescents age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately. But you need to know where they are. That's part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening to check in.

14. Don't impose penalties you're not prepared to carry out.

15. Encourage your adolescent to talk to other supportive adults (e.g., an uncle, older cousin, or grandparent) for guidance.

16. Enforce consequences. Enforcing consequences can be tough — but your adolescent needs you to be his or her parent, not a buddy. Being too lenient may send the message that you don't take your adolescent's behavior seriously, while being too harsh can cause resentment.

17. Give adolescents a game plan. For example, tell them, "If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me -- I don't care if it's 3:00 AM in the morning." Or make sure they have cab fare. Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face. Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable.

18. Give teens some leeway. Giving adolescents a chance to establish their own identity, giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world.

19.  If your adolescent doesn't seem interested in bonding, keep trying.

20. Keep in mind that only reprimanding your adolescent and never giving him or her any justified praise can prove demoralizing. For every time you discipline or correct your adolescent, try to compliment him or her twice.


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents


21. Keep the "communication door" open. Don't interrogate your teens, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day, and ask about theirs. For example: How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day?

22. Let teens feel guilty. Too much is made about self-esteem. Feeling good about yourself is healthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Teens need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When teens have done something wrong, they should feel bad ...they should feel guilty.

23. Minimize pressure. Don't pressure your adolescent to be like you were (or wish you had been) at his or her age. For example, give your adolescent some leeway when it comes to clothing and hairstyles. It's natural for adolescents to rebel and express themselves in ways that differ from their moms and dads. As you allow your adolescent some degree of self-expression, remember that you can still maintain high expectations and the kind of person he or she will become.

24. Monitor what your teens see and read. TV shows, magazines and books, the Internet — teens have access to tons of information. Be aware of what yours watch and read. Don't be afraid to set limits on the amount of time spent in front of the computer or the TV. Know what they're learning from the media and who they are communicating with online.

25. On days when you're having trouble connecting with your adolescent, consider each doing your own thing in the same space. Being near each other could lead to the start of a conversation.

26. Only punish the guilty party, not other family members, when punishment is needed.

27. Prioritize rules. While it's important to consistently enforce your rules, you can occasionally make exceptions when it comes to matters such as homework habits, TV watching and bedtime. Prioritizing rules will give you and your adolescent a chance to practice negotiating and compromising. Before negotiating with your adolescent, however, consider how far you're willing to bend. Don't negotiate when it comes to restrictions imposed for your adolescent's safety (e.g., substance abuse, sexual activity, reckless driving, etc.). Make sure your adolescent knows early on that you won't tolerate tobacco, alcohol or other drug use.

28. Put rules in writing. Use this technique to counter a selective memory.

29. Put yourself in your youngster's place. Practice empathy by helping your youngster understand that it's normal to be a bit concerned or self-conscious, and that it's OK to feel grown-up one minute and like a kid the next.

30. Regularly eating meals together may be a good way to stay connected to your adolescent. Better yet, invite your adolescent to prepare the meal with you.

31. Respect your teens' privacy. Some moms and dads feel that anything their teens do is their business. But to help your adolescent become a young adult, you'll need to grant some privacy. If you notice warning signs of trouble, then you can invade your youngster's privacy until you get to the heart of the problem. But otherwise, it's a good idea to back off.

32. Set a positive example. Remember, adolescents learn how to behave by watching their moms and dads. Your actions generally speak louder than your words. Set a positive example and your adolescent will likely follow your lead.

33. Show your love. One of the most important parenting skills needed for raising healthy adolescents involves positive attention. Spend time with your adolescent to remind him or her that you care. Listen to your adolescent when he or she talks, and respect your adolescent's feelings.

34. Start with trust. Let your adolescent know that you trust him or her. But, if the trust gets broken, he or she may enjoy fewer freedoms until the trust is rebuilt.

35. Talk to adolescents about risks. Whether it is drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your teens need to know the worst that could happen.

36. To encourage your adolescent to behave well, identify what constitutes acceptable and unacceptable behavior at home, at school and elsewhere. As you establish appropriate rules, explain to your adolescent the behavior you expect as well as the consequences for complying and disobeying.

37. Use “active ignoring” during teen tantrums. Tell your adolescent that you'll talk to him or her when the whining, sulking or yelling stops. Ignore your adolescent in the meantime.

38. When imposing additional restrictions, take away a privilege or possession that's meaningful to your adolescent (e.g., computer time, a cell phone, etc.).

39. When showing disapproval, make sure you reprimand your adolescent's “behavior,” not your adolescent. Avoid using a sarcastic, demeaning or disrespectful tone.

40. When your adolescent needs a consequence for misbehavior, have him or her suggest a consequence. Your adolescent may have an easier time accepting a consequence if he or she played a role in deciding it.

Good Luck!

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Top 10 Tips for Parenting Defiant Teens

1. Be a role model. Your actions -- even more than your words -- are critical in helping adolescents adopt good moral and ethical standards. If they have a good role model from early on, they will be less likely to make bad decisions in their rebellious teen years.

2. Choose your battles wisely. Doing themselves harm or doing something that could be permanent (like a tattoo) -- those things matter. Purple hair, a messy room -- those don't matter. Don't nitpick.

3. Decide rules and discipline in advance. If it's a two-parent family, it's important for parents to have their own discussion so they can come to some kind of agreement and stay on the same page. Whether you ban them from driving for a week or a month, whether you ground them for a week, cut back on their allowance or Internet use -- whatever -- set it in advance. If your kid says it isn't fair, then you have to agree on what is fair punishment. Then, follow through with the consequences.

4. Discuss "checking-in." Give adolescents age-appropriate autonomy, especially if they behave appropriately. But you need to know where they are. That's part of responsible parenting. If it feels necessary, require them to call you during the evening to check in. But that depends on the teen and how responsible they have been.

5. Give teens some leeway. Giving adolescents a chance to establish their own identity, and giving them more independence, is essential to helping them establish their own place in the world. But if it means he's going out with a bad crowd, that's another thing.

6. Give adolescents a game plan. Tell them: If the only option is getting into a car with a drunk driver, call me -- I don't care if it's 3 in the morning. Or make sure they have cab fare. Help them figure out how to handle a potentially unsafe situation, yet save face. Brainstorm with them. Come up with a solution that feels comfortable for that child.

7. Invite their friends for dinner. It helps to meet children you have questions about. You're not flat-out rejecting them, you're at least making an overture. When children see them, see how their friends act with their parents, they can get a better sense of those friends. It's the old adage, you catch more bears with honey than vinegar. If you flatly say, you can't go out with those children, it often can backfire -- it just increases the antagonism.

8. Keep the door open. Don't interrogate, but act interested. Share a few tidbits about your own day; ask about theirs. How was the concert? How was the date? How was your day? Another good line: You may not feel like talking about what happened right now. I know what that's like. But if you feel like talking about it later, you come to me.

9. Let teens feel guilty. I think too much is made about self-esteem. Feeling good about yourself is healthy. But people should feel bad if they have hurt someone or done something wrong. Children need to feel bad sometimes. Guilt is a healthy emotion. When children have done something wrong, we hope they feel bad, we hope they feel guilty.

10. Talk to adolescents about risks. Whether it is drugs, driving, or premarital sex, your children need to know the worst that could happen.

==> Online Parent Support: Help for Parent of Defiant Teens

Dealing With Your Out-of-Control Teenage Daughter

 Here are some quick tips for all you parents with an out-of-control teenage daughter...

• Ask yourself, “What have I done to contribute to the rift between us?” Think about when the trouble began. How old was she and what was going on in your family life? I have counseled hundreds of father/mothers and daughters whose relationships were badly damaged and getting worse. For healing to begin, it was important for the father/mother to understand what part she had in fueling the fires of defiance. If you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself, you will find some answers.

• Avoid Blame. While some people claim that when a daughter is rebellious her father/mother is to blame, this usually is not true. Blaming the daughter for the difficulties does nothing to fix the problem either. There are many circumstances that contribute to the predicament.

• Be Willing to Negotiate. The “fix my daughter” approach won’t work. Both father/mother and daughter have to be willing to negotiate and find solutions they can both live with. There are times when there’s nothing you can do to get your daughter to cooperate except wait until she’s ready. If your daughter obstinately refuses to work with you, realize that you can’t control her behavior, but you can control your own.

• Distinguish between Healthy and Unhealthy Rebellion. Rebellion takes many forms, from harmless talking back to defiant acts of drug and alcohol abuse or sexual activity. As a father/mother, you have to determine which acts fall under the healthy category and which cross the line into unsafe territory. Talking back is a clue that your daughter is in the throes of her first teenage rebellion. It signals that, while she’s not yet articulate enough to express herself effectively, she’s struggling to find ways to assert her autonomy.

• Try Everything. Father/mothers often feel that they have tried everything. They are convinced that nothing will work. These negative stances won’t get you out of the rut. Even though you’ve tried everything you can think of, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution. Often we are so close to our own problems that we can’t find the obvious answers. But if you’re willing to stay open and seek help, the answers will come. Get outside opinions, but be sure they apply to your situation. Listen to your daughter and your own intuition and you may be surprised with the solutions you’ll discover.

• Uncover the Roots of the Problem. Out-of control behavior is a symptom of deeper problems. Consider how the two of you got to this point. Take a guess at the reasons your daughter is acting out. By identifying the reasons for your daughter’s undesirable behavior, you’ll be more apt to find the keys to correcting it. If you treat just the symptoms, the underlying trouble will still be there and will erupt again.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Refine - Refine - Refine

Hi Mark,

I have a son, N____, who is 6yrs and has been a great challenge for us as parents particularly from around the age of 1. He had very wild tantrums through the years quite often. Jumping to the present time I am grateful for the insight my friend and psychologist has given me about him. He informed me about ODD – oppositional defiant disorder and gave me website to check out. This brought me to you and I purchased your e-book and have been working my way through it. But I find it seems to be referring to older children, which may be connected as to why he is not responding to my attempts.

He is extremely strong willed and determined to be in control. He is very defiant and rebellious and breaks the discipline. I admit I have not been so good at keeping emotion out of my responses to him or not arguing with him. But we are at crisis point and don’t know what to do. We changed track with him the other night when my husband put him to bed early without dinner! He hated that but got up the next morning with the same behaviour.

We have 4 children – 21, 19, 15 and 6. 1st and 3rd child are quite easy going but the 2nd child has always been a burden for us. It is only recently that she has been diagnose with Borderline Personality Disorder and ODD. She is currently in a clinic for help. All my children have been born premature and the 2nd and last child born 5 and 6 weeks early. Now I am aware of mild learning disorders in the family. Nathan has Hyperlexia and is starting classes relating to this. His difficult behaviour is off and on. It comes in waves. Sometimes he is very delightful for weeks and then its back on for weeks. This bad patch has been going on a few weeks since going back to school after the holidays.

What are your thoughts and feelings toward these details I have shared Mark?

Regards,

E.

```````````````

Hi E.,

The strategies in the eBook apply to children between the ages of 3 and 17. I doubt that his lack of “responding” is due to the age-appropriateness of the program. The goals of this program are to (a) foster the development of self-reliance in the child and (b) provide intensity (e.g., attention, interest, energy) ONLY when the child is behaving according to expectations. Thus, age is not the important issue here.

I think the best help I can be to you at this time is to provide you with a checklist of sorts.

Let's trouble shoot...

Below is a summary of all the assignments I gave you in My Out-of-Control Child eBook. If parents do not implement most of these assignments, it is often the "kiss of failure."

For example, the transmission in your car has hundreds of parts, but if just one little tiny part is not working -- the whole transmission does not work. The same is true with this "parent program." Omit just one strategy, and the whole plan runs the risk of failing.

1. Are you asking your son at least one question each day that cannot be answered with a simple "yes" or a "no" to demonstrate that you are interested in what is going on in his life? (page 20 of the printable version of eBook)

2. Are you saying to him "I love you" everyday and expecting nothing in return? (page 20)

3. Are you eating dinner together at least one evening each week -- either at home or out? (page 20)

4. Do you use "The Art of Saying Yes" whenever your answer is yes? (page 25)

5. Do you use "The The Art of Saying - and Sticking With - No" whenever your answer is no? (page 25)

6. Do you catch him in the act of doing something right at least once each day? (page 25)

7. Do you use the "When You Want Something From Your Kid" approach as needed? (page 31)

8. Do you give him at least one chore each day? (page 31)

9. Do you find something fun to do with him each week? (page 54)

10. Do you use the "I noticed ...I felt ...Listen" approach when something unexpected pops-up? (bottom of page 50)

11. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, are you asking yourself the following question: "Will this promote the development of self-reliance in my son, or will this inhibit the development of self-reliance?"

If it is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don't!

12. Is he EARNING ALL of his stuff and freedom? (see "Self-Reliance Cycle" - page 19)

13. Have you listened to ALL the audio in the Online Version of the eBook?

14. Are you putting on your best poker face when “things are going wrong?”

15. And perhaps most importantly, are you doing things to take care of your mental and physical health?

If you answered "no" to any of the above, you are missing some important pieces to the puzzle. Most parents DO miss a few pieces initially -- you can't be expected to remember everything! But don't get frustrated and give up. We must be willing to hang in there for the long haul.

I'm talking about refinement here. Refinement is a necessary tool to use in order to truly be successful with these parenting strategies.

HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Parents who refine are, on average, 95% - 100% successful at getting the parent-child difficulties reduced in intensity and severity (i.e., the problems are easily managed).

The same can be true in your case. Don’t give up just yet. Continue to refine by emailing me as needed over the next few months. Refinement is a process, not a one-time event.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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