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Showing posts sorted by relevance for query rebellion. Sort by date Show all posts

Is Your Adolescent Exhibiting "Normal" Teenage Rebellion or Is He/She Headed for a Train Wreck?

In this article, we will discuss key signs and factors that can help you distinguish between normal teenage rebellion versus dangerous behavior. Understanding this difference is crucial for parents, teachers, and anyone working with teenagers.

First, let's define what we mean by normal teen rebellion. During adolescence, it's common for teenagers to push boundaries, seek more independence, and express themselves differently. This phase is a natural part of their development, as they explore their identities and test their own limits. It may involve engaging in minor acts of rebellion, such as experimenting with different styles, challenging authority figures, or questioning societal norms. However, it is important to remember that this rebellious behavior is typically harmless and doesn't pose a significant threat to their well-being.

Now, let's shift our focus to indicators of dangerous behavior in teenagers. Dangerous behavior goes beyond the typical rebellious acts and can have serious consequences. Some warning signs to watch out for include sudden changes in behavior, extreme aggression, self-harm, substance abuse, isolation from family and friends, and persistent disregard for rules and boundaries. It's essential to pay attention to these red flags and take appropriate action to ensure the well-being of the teenager and those around them.

To better differentiate between normal teen rebellion and dangerous behavior, it's important to understand the underlying motivations. Normal rebellion is often driven by a desire for personal growth, independence, and autonomy. Teenagers may engage in rebellious acts as a way to express their individuality and assert their own choices. On the other hand, dangerous behavior is often rooted in deeper issues such as trauma, mental health problems, or peer pressure. Recognizing these motivations can help us respond appropriately and provide the necessary support.

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One of the key factors in managing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior is effective communication and support. A supportive and open environment allows teenagers to express their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment or punishment. It's crucial to have regular conversations with them, asking open-ended questions, actively listening, and showing empathy. By providing a safe space, we can guide them towards positive choices and help them navigate through challenges they might be facing.

In some cases, when the line between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior becomes blurred, it may be necessary to seek professional help. Mental health professionals, counselors, or therapists can provide valuable guidance and support to both teenagers and their families. They can help assess the severity of the behavior, address underlying issues, and develop appropriate intervention plans. Remember, it's okay to ask for help when needed, as it can make a significant difference in the well-being and future of the teenager.

Building trust and understanding with teenagers is essential in addressing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior. Show them that you genuinely care, and your intentions are to support and guide them. Avoid judgmental language and instead, validate their emotions and experiences. By fostering a safe and trusting relationship, you can create an environment where they feel comfortable opening up and seeking guidance when needed. Remember, your role is to be a trusted ally, not an authoritarian figure.

It's not just about understanding the difference between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior for ourselves. As responsible adults, we also have a duty to educate others. Share your knowledge with fellow parents, teachers, and community members. Organize workshops or informational sessions to raise awareness about the signs and consequences of dangerous behavior. By spreading this awareness, we can create a supportive and informed network that promotes the well-being of teenagers in our communities.

Establishing clear boundaries is essential in managing both normal rebellion and dangerous behavior. Set realistic expectations and communicate them effectively. Make sure the teenager understands the consequences of their actions and the reasons behind the rules. However, it's equally important to allow them some autonomy and flexibility within these boundaries. Find a balance between providing guidance and giving them space to learn and grow. Clear boundaries help create a sense of security and stability for teenagers.

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While we focus on the challenges and risks associated with teen behavior, let's also acknowledge their strengths. Teenagers possess remarkable resilience and creativity. They have the potential to make positive contributions to society. Recognize their achievements, talents, and interests. Encourage them to channel their energy into activities they are passionate about. By nurturing their strengths and encouraging their personal growth, we can help steer them toward a path of success and fulfillment.

No one can handle the challenges of raising a teenager alone. Building a supportive network is crucial. Connect with other parents, join support groups, or seek guidance from professionals. Share your experiences, learn from others, and offer support to those who might be facing similar struggles. Together, we can create a network of understanding, empathy, and shared resources that strengthens our ability to address normal rebellion and dangerous behavior effectively.

Mental health plays a significant role in teenage behavior. Promote mental well-being by encouraging self-care practices, healthy coping mechanisms, and open conversations about emotions. Encourage teenagers to seek professional help if they are struggling with mental health issues. By prioritizing mental health, we can reduce the risk of dangerous behavior and provide teenagers with the support they need to navigate the challenges of adolescence.

While it's important to differentiate between normal rebellion and dangerous behavior, it's equally crucial to recognize our own limits. We are not expected to have all the answers or be able to solve every problem. It's okay to seek help and involve professionals when necessary. Our role is to support, guide, and provide a safe environment for teenagers. Understanding our boundaries ensures that we can continue to offer the best possible support without feeling overwhelmed.

By fostering open communication, building trust, and seeking professional help when necessary, we can make a positive impact and ensure the well-being of our teenagers.

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How to Tell the Difference Between Normal Rebellion Versus a Psychological Problem

"My seventeen year old daughter is so very angry. She is involved with drugs and has gotten in some legal trouble as well. She is verbally abusive to me and to my husband who is her stepfather. The problem is that other times she is a joy to be around. She is funny, and very bright and creative. I wonder if she may have a psychological problem or may be an opposition defiant child. Not sure what to think right now."

How can a parent tell the difference between normal rebellion and the signal that an adolescent is troubled? Ask yourself these two questions:

1. Is this behavior change drastic for my adolescent? Normal rebellious behavior develops over time, beginning with an adolescent wanting to be with friends more and disagreeing with moms and dads more frequently. Problem rebellion is sudden and drastically out of character. For example, a normally rebellious "A" student may get a few "Bs" and cut a class or two, but if he suddenly starts failing or refuses to go to school, this can be a sign that your adolescent is experiencing an emotional crisis.

2. How frequent and intense is the rebellion? Normal rebellion is sporadic. There are moments of sweetness, calm and cooperation between outbursts. If on the other hand, rebellion is constant and intense, this can be a sign of underlying emotional problems.

Dealing with Normal Rebellion—

The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become psychologically emancipated from their moms and dads. The teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of childhood. Before she can develop an adult relationship with her moms and dads, the adolescent must first distance herself from the way she related to them in the past. This process is characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.

 ==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do I deal with my teenager's rebellion?

The following guidelines may help you and your teenager through this difficult period:

1. Treat your teenager as an adult friend— By the time your youngster is 12 years old, start working on developing the kind of relationship you would like to have with your youngster when she is an adult. Treat your youngster the way you would like her to treat you when she is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and the ability to have fun together.

Strive for relaxed, casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping, playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and other times together. Use praise and trust to help build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your youngster's feelings by listening sympathetically and making nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't mean you have to solve your adolescent's problems. The friendship model is the best basis for family functioning.

2. Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics— Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop because the moms and dads criticize their teenager too much. Much of the adolescent's objectionable behavior merely reflects conformity with the current tastes of her peer group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking, and acting differently than adults helps your youngster feel independent from you. Try not to attack your teen's clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps, friends, recreational interests, and room decorations, use of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion, or philosophy.

This doesn't mean withholding your personal views about these subjects. But allowing your adolescent to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents testing in major areas, such as experimentation with drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make a change only if your teen's behavior is harmful, illegal, or infringes on your rights (see the sections on house rules). Another common error is to criticize your adolescent's mood or attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be changed through good example and praise. The more you dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the longer they will last.

3. Let society's rules and consequences teach responsibility outside the home— Your teen must learn from trial and error. As she experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for her decisions and actions. Speak up only if the adolescent is going to do something dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, you must rely on the adolescent's own self-discipline, pressure from her peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned from the consequences of her actions. A school's requirement for punctual school attendance will influence when your adolescent goes to bed at night. School grades will hold your teen accountable for homework and other aspects of school performance. If your adolescent has bad work habits, she will lose her job.

If your teen makes a poor choice of friends, she may find her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble. If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of money before the end of the month. If by chance your teen asks you for advice about these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help her think about the main risks. Then conclude your remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is best." Teens need plenty of opportunity to learn from their own mistakes before they leave home and have to solve problems without an ever-present support system.

4. Clarify the house rules and consequences— You have the right and the responsibility to make rules regarding your house and other possessions. A teen's preferences can be tolerated within her own room, but they need not be imposed on the rest of the house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with other people's activities or incoming telephone calls after 10 p.m.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

While you should make your adolescent's friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your adolescent can be placed in charge of cleaning her room, washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will loan her your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes, and so forth. Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges. (Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown in your relationship.)

If your teen breaks something, she should repair it or pay for its repair or replacement. If she makes a mess, she should clean it up. If your adolescent is doing poorly in school, you can restrict TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone privileges and weeknights out. If your adolescent stays out too late or doesn't call you when she's delayed, you can ground her for a day or a weekend. In general, grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as unfair and is hard to enforce.

5. Use family conferences for negotiating house rules— Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting after dinner once a week. At this time your teen can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up family issues that are causing problems. You can also bring up issues (such as your adolescent's demand to drive her to too many places and your need for her help in arranging carpools). The family unit often functions better if the decision-making is democratic. The objective of negotiation should be that both parties win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"

6. Give space to a teen who is in a bad mood— Generally when your teen is in a bad mood, she won't want to talk about it with you. If teens want to discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times to give your adolescent lots of space and privacy. This is a poor time to talk to your teen about anything, pleasant or otherwise.

7. Use "I" messages for rudeness— Some talking back is normal. We want our teens to express their anger through talking and to challenge our opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect your teen to present her case passionately, even unreasonably. Let the small stuff go — it's only words. But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down or don't answer my question."

Make your statement without anger if possible. If your adolescent continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the room. Don't get into a shouting match with your teen because this is not a type of behavior that is acceptable in outside relationships. What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the right to disagree and even to express anger, but that screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and the willingness to apologize.

When should you seek outside assistance?

Get help if:
  • you feel your teen's rebellion is excessive
  • you find yourself escalating the criticism and punishment
  • you have other questions or concerns
  • you think your teen is depressed, suicidal, drinking or using drugs, or going to run away
  • your family life is seriously disrupted by your teen
  • your relationship with your teen does not improve within 3 months after you begin using these approaches
  • your teen has no close friends
  • your teen is skipping school frequently
  • your teen is taking undue risks (for example, reckless driving)
  • your teen's outbursts of temper are destructive or violent
  • your teen's school performance is declining markedly


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Science of Rebellion: Understanding the Psychology Behind Teen Defiance and Growth

Adolescence, typically spanning from ages 10 to 19, is a pivotal and transformative stage of development characterized by profound shifts in physical, emotional, and social realms. During this time, teenagers often engage in rebellious behaviors that can perplex parents, educators, and caregivers. To comprehend these behaviors fully, it's essential to delve into the psychological underpinnings of teenage defiance, illuminating how it serves as an avenue for personal growth, identity formation, and social exploration.


### Hormonal Changes and Emotional Volatility


As teenagers approach puberty, their bodies undergo rapid hormonal fluctuations that significantly affect their mood and behavior. The release of hormones such as testosterone in boys and estrogen in girls can lead to intense emotions, increased sensitivity, and heightened reactions to social situations. This volatility can manifest as anger, sadness, or anxiety, creating the ideal breeding ground for rebellious behavior as adolescents grapple with feelings they are often ill-equipped to manage.


### Brain Development: The Tug-of-War Between Emotion and Reason


At the same time, the adolescent brain is undergoing dramatic changes. Recent research in neuroscience reveals that while the limbic system—the brain’s emotion center—matures significantly during these years, the prefrontal cortex, which governs rational thinking and impulse control, develops much more slowly. This imbalance explains why teenagers might engage in impulsive, sometimes reckless behaviors that seem irrational to adults. They often feel an irresistible pull toward risk-taking, whether it’s challenging authority, experimenting with substances, or pushing curfew limits, driven by an emotional response rather than a logical assessment of consequences.



### Border Testing: A Natural Exploration of Limits


Testing limits is a critical part of an adolescent's journey toward independence. When teens push back against family rules—whether by negotiating later curfews, defying household chores, or experimenting with personal style—they aren’t merely seeking to annoy their parents; they are exploring their capabilities and asserting their individuality. Each act of rebellion represents a step toward self-discovery, a way for them to gauge the boundaries of their freedom and agency.


### Identity Formation: Crafting the Self


As adolescents experiment with different identities, their rebellious actions may reflect deep-seated explorations of self. They might adopt contrasting styles, shift friend groups, or align with various social causes—all tied to a quest for personal and collective identity. It's during this tumultuous phase that they navigate complex questions about who they are, what they believe in, and where they fit in the broader context of society.


### The Dynamics of Peer Pressure


The adolescent brain is particularly attuned to peer approval, often valuing social bonds over familial ties. This desire can drive teens to engage in rebellious behaviors, such as experimenting with substance use or participating in risky activities, to gain acceptance from their peers. Acts of defiance, such as skipping school or breaking curfews, may be pursued more for the sake of conformity than personal desire. Understanding this dynamic can help adults recognize that these actions are often less about the rebellious act itself and more about the social context in which they occur.


### Personality Traits and Rebelliousness


Some adolescents may naturally exhibit more rebellious tendencies due to their personality traits. For instance, those with high levels of sensation-seeking—characterized by a strong desire for novel experiences—may engage in riskier behaviors simply as an outlet for this trait. Alternatively, a temperamental predisposition toward emotional sensitivity may lead some teens to react more strongly to perceived constraints, resulting in oppositional behavior.


### Environmental Influences: Support vs. Restriction


The social and familial environments wield significant influence over a teenager's rebelliousness. Supportive environments characterized by open communication and mutual respect can mitigate acts of defiance. Adolescents who feel understood by their parents are more likely to express their needs and negotiate boundaries without resorting to outright rebellion. Conversely, overly strict or authoritarian parenting can provoke a stronger reaction, compelling teens to rebel more vehemently against prescribed rules and limitations.


### Channeling Rebellion into Positive Outlets


Instead of framing teenage rebellion as a purely problematic behavior, caregivers can utilize these moments as teachable experiences. For instance, allowing teenagers to voice their opinions, engage in discussions about rules, and question norms can enhance critical thinking and empower them to navigate future challenges thoughtfully. When adolescents feel that their voices are heard and respected, they are more likely to channel their rebellious impulses into constructive avenues.


### Establishing Boundaries While Fostering Autonomy


Creating an environment that allows for both boundary-setting and autonomy is key. Adults can establish clear expectations while inviting teenagers to participate in discussions regarding their freedoms. For example, negotiating consequences for rule violations or discussing the rationale behind household expectations can foster a sense of shared responsibility. This collaborative approach not only respects the teenager's growing need for independence but also reinforces the importance of accountability.


The teenage years are often characterized by emotional upheaval, identity exploration, and an intense desire for independence. For caregivers of troubled teens, navigating this complex landscape can be particularly challenging. While many adolescents naturally seek to assert their individuality and autonomy, troubled teens may exhibit defiance and rebellion as they grapple with personal struggles. Striking a balance between setting essential boundaries and encouraging a sense of autonomy can seem like a daunting task, but it is crucial for fostering healthy development. This article will delve into effective strategies that promote autonomy while ensuring that teens feel secure and accountable.


## Understanding the Quest for Autonomy


Adolescence marks a transformative period when young individuals begin to forge their own identities. It is a time when they transition from the protective confines of childhood into the uncharted waters of adulthood. This burgeoning desire for independence lays the groundwork for vital self-discovery and personal growth. However, for troubled teens—who may face emotional, behavioral, or mental health challenges—this quest for autonomy can often manifest as resistance or opposition to parental authority. Recognizing the innate need for autonomy is pivotal in understanding and addressing the behaviors of these adolescents effectively.


## The Crucial Role of Boundaries


Establishing well-defined boundaries is a cornerstone of parenting that offers essential structure and stability in a teenager's life. Boundaries serve as guidelines that help teens discern acceptable behavior and understand the ramifications of their actions. However, imposing overly strict or inflexible rules can inadvertently lead to feelings of resentment and rebellion in teens. Therefore, it is essential to establish boundaries that not only promote safety but are also perceived as reasonable and adaptable.


### Key Principles for Effective Boundary Setting


1. **Collaborative Approach:** Invite your teen to participate actively in the boundary-setting process. Engage in open discussions where they can voice their thoughts, preferences, and concerns. By co-creating rules, you empower them and instill a sense of ownership over the agreed-upon guidelines, fostering an atmosphere of mutual respect.


2. **Be Clear and Specific:** Vague boundaries can lead to confusion and may result in misunderstandings or conflicts. It’s vital to articulate rules in a straightforward manner and ensure that your teen comprehends not only what is expected but also the rationale behind those expectations. For instance, rather than stating “be home by curfew,” specify “please arrive home by 10 PM to ensure you get enough rest for school the next day.”


3. **Utilize Natural Consequences:** Allowing teens to face the natural outcomes of their decisions can be an impactful teaching method. For example, if your child neglects their school assignments, let them experience the repercussions of a poor grade rather than intervening immediately. This approach not only reinforces responsibility but also encourages them to make more informed choices in the future.


4. **Flexibility and Adaptability:** As teenagers mature, their needs and capabilities change as well. Be open to revisiting and adjusting rules in response to their growth and improved behavior. Showing flexibility in boundaries conveys trust and acknowledges their increasing independence.


### Strategies for Promoting Independence


1. **Encourage Decision-Making:** Empower your teen to make choices within the framework of established boundaries. This can range from everyday decisions—such as selecting their outfit or choosing extracurricular activities—to more significant issues, like managing their academic workload. Providing them with opportunities to make age-appropriate decisions fosters critical thinking and confidence.


2. **Support Individual Goals and Interests:** Take an active interest in your teen’s passions and aspirations. Engage them in conversations about their ambitions, whether they pertain to academics, sports, or creative pursuits. Help them set attainable goals and celebrate their accomplishments, no matter how small. This positive reinforcement not only boosts their self-esteem but also reinforces their motivation to explore their interests independently.


3. **Create Safe Spaces for Expression:** Cultivate an environment where your teen feels comfortable sharing their thoughts and emotions without fear of judgment. Actively listen to their concerns, and validate their feelings, making it clear that their opinions matter. This open dialogue encourages emotional expression and reinforces their belief in their autonomy.


4. **Teach Problem-Solving Skills:** Equip your teen with effective problem-solving abilities by guiding them through real-life scenarios. Discuss various situations they may encounter and brainstorm potential solutions together. This collaborative problem-solving process not only enhances their critical thinking skills but also prepares them to navigate challenges independently.


## Balancing Boundaries and Autonomy -- Achieving a harmonious balance between setting boundaries and promoting autonomy requires ongoing dialogue and patience. Here are some additional tips for maintaining this crucial balance:


- **Regular Check-Ins:** Establish routine discussions to assess your teen’s feelings about the boundaries in place. Use these moments to adjust expectations as necessary and reinforce your commitment to their well-being and growth.


- **Model Positive Behavior:** Serve as a role model by demonstrating healthy boundary-setting and responsible decision-making in your own life. Your behavior can serve as a powerful example of how to manage independence within defined limits.


- **Maintain Open Communication:** Encourage your teen to communicate openly about their feelings regarding the boundaries you set. Establishing this practice can help mitigate misunderstandings and foster a deeper sense of trust between you.


- **Seek Professional Guidance if Needed:** If you encounter persistent challenges, consider consulting a mental health professional specializing in adolescent behavior. They can provide tailored strategies and insights that benefit both you and your teen, enhancing your efforts to foster independence within a framework of appropriate boundaries.


The science of rebellion in adolescence is multifaceted and must be viewed through the lens of the developmental, psychological, and social factors at play. Recognizing that acts of defiance often serve as crucial milestones in an adolescent's journey toward maturity can empower parents, educators, and caregivers to respond with empathy and understanding. By fostering open lines of communication, encouraging autonomy, and nurturing a supportive environment, adults can help steer rebellious behavior toward growth and self-discovery. Understanding rebellion not only enlightens the experience of navigating adolescence but also enriches relationships, ultimately contributing to the emergence of resilient, independent young adults better equipped to face the world beyond their teenage years.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

"Punishment" Creates Problems -- "Discipline" Resolves Problems

“Punishing” teenagers often creates more discipline problems than it solves. I define punishment as anything that causes blame, shame or pain. When moms and dads focus on blaming, shaming and causing pain to their teenager, his or her brain's limbic system reacts with intense defense. When a parent punishes teenagers, they don’t react with remorse and a “how can I make it better” attitude. Instead, they react with one of the "Four R’s", which leads to increased discipline problems.

Moms and dads use punishment because it “appears” to stop misbehavior immediately (and sometimes does). Sometimes we must beware of what works when the long-term results are negative. The long-term results of punishment are that children usually adopt one or all of the Four R’s of Punishment:
  • Rebellion
  • Resentment
  • Retreat (avoiding contact/conversation with the parent)
  • Revenge

When a teenager reacts with one or more of the "Four R’s", he is not focused on “life lessons” (e.g., making restitution, realizing how his actions affected others, learning how to repair damage, learning from mistakes, etc.). Instead of thinking about a mistake or misbehavior, the teenager is usually stewing with negative thoughts (e.g., “My parents are mean” or “How can I not get caught next time?”).

Many parents view typical “autonomy-seeking” (i.e., a teenager trying to be independent) as “teenage rebellion,” which is viewed by the parent as a discipline problem.

It is normal for a teenager to deliberately do the opposite of what her parents value most as a way to show that she is an individual. When moms and dads don’t understand the natural autonomy-seeking process, they take a teenager’s actions personally and react with strong punishments. Autonomy-seeking behavior may turn into all-out teenage rebellion if parents fan the flames of rebellion.

Not punishing teens does not mean that parents should instead be permissive. Parents should first allow time for both parties to cool off. Next, parents meet with their teenager and ask “what and how questions” (e.g., “What can you do to make up for me having to take the garbage to the street because you forgot?” … “How are you going to pay for this speeding ticket?” … “How are you going to pay for the increase in the car insurance?”) so that the teenager can problem solve how he will make restitution, pay for amends, or rectify the situation. Teenagers will learn more life lessons by “making up” for their mistakes than they will by being punished – blamed, shamed or caused pain.

The problem with punishing teenagers is that it doesn’t work in the long run to teach life lessons. Instead, punishment usually increases rebellion and doesn’t involve teenagers in solving problems and making amends for mistakes.

What is the difference between discipline and punishment?

Discipline means to “teach.” Discipline helps teenagers learn self-control and confidence. With discipline, parents use strategies to prevent problems plus guidance to manage conflict. Punishment is a parenting tool used after a problem surfaces.

Discipline means:
  • Assisting the teenager to accept natural or logical consequences of the misbehavior.
  • Focusing on what the teenager needs to do in the future.
  • Helping the teenager develop self discipline and learn how to become responsible.
  • Relating the strategies directly to the misbehavior.

Punishment:
  • Consists of penalties or restrictions that often have nothing at all to do with the misbehavior.
  • Focuses on what’s wrong instead of what needs to be done right.
  • Is concerned with making the teenager “pay” for what she did wrong.
  • Puts responsibility for enforcement on the mother or father instead of encouraging the teenager to become responsible for her actions.

Take the example of a teen skipping school regularly and “hanging out” at the mall in a nearby town. Possible punishments could include: revoking driving privileges, cutting off the teenager’s allowance, prohibiting phone use, grounding, banning TV and forbidding the teen to go to the mall.

There are several possible discipline strategies. Parents need to listen to the teenager’s feelings and concerns about school. Together, parent and child discuss options for addressing the problem. Parents, teen and teachers could meet to figure out what needs to be done about missed classes. That doesn’t mean there won’t be some privileges taken away for a time, but that alone would do nothing to solve the core problem.

Moms and dads can also use the if/then parenting tool. This means helping the teen understand that if he attends school and completes the work, then other privileges will be available (e.g., being able to go back to the mall).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Effective Disciplinary Strategies for Out-of-Control Children and Teens

Dealing With Your Out-of-Control Teenage Daughter

 Here are some quick tips for all you parents with an out-of-control teenage daughter...

• Ask yourself, “What have I done to contribute to the rift between us?” Think about when the trouble began. How old was she and what was going on in your family life? I have counseled hundreds of father/mothers and daughters whose relationships were badly damaged and getting worse. For healing to begin, it was important for the father/mother to understand what part she had in fueling the fires of defiance. If you’re willing to take an honest look at yourself, you will find some answers.

• Avoid Blame. While some people claim that when a daughter is rebellious her father/mother is to blame, this usually is not true. Blaming the daughter for the difficulties does nothing to fix the problem either. There are many circumstances that contribute to the predicament.

• Be Willing to Negotiate. The “fix my daughter” approach won’t work. Both father/mother and daughter have to be willing to negotiate and find solutions they can both live with. There are times when there’s nothing you can do to get your daughter to cooperate except wait until she’s ready. If your daughter obstinately refuses to work with you, realize that you can’t control her behavior, but you can control your own.

• Distinguish between Healthy and Unhealthy Rebellion. Rebellion takes many forms, from harmless talking back to defiant acts of drug and alcohol abuse or sexual activity. As a father/mother, you have to determine which acts fall under the healthy category and which cross the line into unsafe territory. Talking back is a clue that your daughter is in the throes of her first teenage rebellion. It signals that, while she’s not yet articulate enough to express herself effectively, she’s struggling to find ways to assert her autonomy.

• Try Everything. Father/mothers often feel that they have tried everything. They are convinced that nothing will work. These negative stances won’t get you out of the rut. Even though you’ve tried everything you can think of, that doesn’t mean there isn’t a solution. Often we are so close to our own problems that we can’t find the obvious answers. But if you’re willing to stay open and seek help, the answers will come. Get outside opinions, but be sure they apply to your situation. Listen to your daughter and your own intuition and you may be surprised with the solutions you’ll discover.

• Uncover the Roots of the Problem. Out-of control behavior is a symptom of deeper problems. Consider how the two of you got to this point. Take a guess at the reasons your daughter is acting out. By identifying the reasons for your daughter’s undesirable behavior, you’ll be more apt to find the keys to correcting it. If you treat just the symptoms, the underlying trouble will still be there and will erupt again.

How to Create Win-Win Outcomes Rather than Power Struggles: Tips for Parents

We see the main problem is he has turned on us... he is angry and is baiting us... he just came in from soccer and hit me with a tirade of swearing. He was angry because he wanted takeaway food and he was told that there was food at home. He has now taken off – it is 11pm. How do we make him realise that he needs to conform to our rules. He has no friends and we are the only people who support him. The punching of the walls and threatening to tell people that his father rapes him etc are just his way of punishing us. Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

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Re: Will keeping the screws on him keep making the situation worse or will it eventually break him?

First of all, we're not in the business of "breaking" children. This implies a power struggle with one winner and one loser. Rather, we're in the business of fostering the development of self-reliance.

Secondly, as long as you are complying with the strategies as outlined in the eBook, you should expect things to get worse before they get better. But hold on a minute…

It sounds like you are in a power struggle here. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). IT TAKES TWO TO CREATE A POWER STRUGGLE. I have never seen a power-drunk child without a power-drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in.

Create a win/win environment. HOW?

The following suggestions teach kids important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills instead of "approval junkie" compliance -- or rebellion.

1. Ask what and how questions: How will we eat if you don't set the table? What is next on our routine chart? What was our agreement about what happens to clothes that aren't picked up? What happened? How do you feel about what happened? What ideas do you have to solve the problem? (This does not work at the time of conflict, nor does it work unless you are truly curious about what you child has to say.)

2. BONUS: HUGS! HUGS! HUGS! A hug is often enough to change the behavior -- theirs and yours.

3. Create a game: Beat the clock or sing songs while getting chores done.

4. Decide what you will do. I will cook only in a clean kitchen. I will drive only when seat belts are buckled. (I will pull over to the side of the road when kids are fighting.)

5. Distraction for kids and lots of supervision. Punishment decreases brain development. Kids are often punished for doing what they are developmentally programmed to do -- explore.

6. Do it WITH them. You may even want to go to the positive time out area with them.

7. KINDNESS AND FIRMNESS AT THE SAME TIME.

8. Get kids involved in cooperation. Say, "I can't make you, but I really need your help." (10 words)

9. Get kids involved in the creation of routines (morning, chores, and bedtime). Then the routine chart becomes the boss.

10. Limited choices: Do you want to do your homework before dinner or after dinner. Do you want to set the table or clean up after dinner?

11. Make a "Wheel of Choice" together. Draw a big circle and divide into wedges. Brainstorm lots of solutions to problems. Draw illustrations for each solution. During a conflict, invite child to pick something from the wheel.

12. No words: Use pantomime, charades, or notes. Try a hug to create closeness and trust -- then do something else.

13. Non-verbal signals. These should be planned in advance with the child. An empty plate turned over at the dinner table as a reminder of chores that need to be completed before dinner; a sheet over the television as a reminder that homework needs to be done first or that things need to be picked up in the common areas of the house.

14. Positive Time Out. Create a "nurturing" (not punitive) time out area with your child.

15. Put the problem on the family meeting agenda and let the kids brainstorm for a solution.

16. Use reflective listening. Stop talking and listen. Try to understand not only what your child is saying, but what he means.

17. Use ten words or less. One is best: Games. Towels (that may have been left on the bathroom floor). Homework. (Sometimes these words need to be repeated several times.)

Every child needs discipline, and the discipline style can provide connection or disconnection in the relationship.

The goals of discipline are:

1. To instill values.
2. To protect the child.
3. To teach the child lifelong skills for good character, such as responsibility and self-control.

Effective Discipline is:
  • As fair and consistent as possible.
  • Be Proactive. Moms & dads find underlying causes of misbehavior as well as teach future desired behavior. Punishment tends to be reactive and aims to just stop behaviors. Discipline connects the parent and child in their relationship. Punishment disconnects them.
  • Kind, firm and safe.
  • Mutually respectful: "Do unto others as you would have done to you." Although moms & dads have far more experience and knowledge than their kids, both moms & dads and child have the same right of having their feelings and dignity equally respected.
  • Never includes punishment. Common examples of punishment are grounding with no time-limit, unrelated consequences, spanking, and threats of any kind.
  • Ninety percent prevention and ten percent correction.
  • Teaches and guides kids how to think for themselves. It doesn't just force them to obey. The world is a different place than 30 years ago. We don't want our kids to just blindly obey anyone — especially adults that may not have their best interests in mind. We want them to think for themselves and make good decisions.
  • Uses real world "cause and effect" learning experiences.

Re: Power Struggles:

• Power struggles are generally about meeting needs: the needs of the parent and the needs of the child. Both aim to get their way, but at the expense of the other person not getting their way.

• Power struggles are often the result of the use of punishment. Kids will often react to punishment in the forms of rebellion, retaliation, fear, and/ or passive resistance.

• When moms & dads and kids are locked in a power struggle, it is important for the parent to stay calm and let go for the moment. They have more experience in self-control and can switch gears easier. Refuse to participate. The time to re-examine the needs of the moms & dads and child causing the power struggle is later, when the emotional temperature in the relationship has gone down. Be sure to address it though. Don't let it go unresolved forever.

Kids don't really misbehave. They act in inappropriate ways to get their needs met. The job of moms & dads is to meet those needs and teach kids how to get them met in socially appropriate ways. Kids are like icebergs. We see the tip of the iceberg (behavior) protruding out of the water. Most of the time, we don't even look at the massive ice part under the water (which are the needs and feelings) that supports the behavior. As moms & dads, we need to jump out of the boat, and into our submarine to look at what's happening with the child underneath the iceberg tip. Once the underlying needs and feelings of the child are recognized and addressed, the behavior often improves.

The most effective discipline tools used for older, school-aged kids and teens are active listening, "I" messages, time in, changing the environment, modeling, related consequences, and problem solving. Family meetings are also especially effective for this age.

A crucial discipline tool often overlooked is meeting the needs of moms & dads. Moms & dads who are hungry, tired, stressed, need support and a time-out don't often make their best parenting decisions.

You can't raise a child in a dictatorship and expect them to function as an adult in a democracy.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Stepdaughter Hates Stepmother

Hello, before I waste anymore time I thought I'd cut straight to the point and just ask if you cover teens loving in split homes with step-parents. My step-teenager lives one week with her Dad and I, and one week with her mother (and boyfriend). Issues seem to come from the fact that she all of a sudden hates me, even though I've been around for 8 years and she's 15. Do you cover anything like that because every book. Other therapist try to treat me like I'm a "parent" when she does not see me that way, so none of the tactics work. Just curious, as this teen is destroying my marriage and seems to be enjoying herself while she is doing it. Thanks for your time. Sincerely, B.

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Hi B.,

I can promise you that you will benefit from my program.

You are more of a mentor than a mother. You are an adult male in your stepdaughter’s life, much like an aunt, a scout leader or a teacher, but you live under the same roof and sleep with her father. Being one family unit will require careful planning with your husband. 

Set rules and boundaries together, but try to disrupt the family karma as little as possible. Decisions about finances need to be made with your partner as well, and not in a vacuum.

One of the major roads to failure as a stepmother is to take on the role of disciplinarian. The teenager tends to resent this new gal with new rules who comes in to disrupt her family. Successful stepmothers and family relations experts suggest that bio-dad should continue his role as the dispenser of discipline when required to maintain some consistency with the children. 

Your job as stepmother is to support his role, to make sure he is treated with respect, and to show solidarity. If you disagree with something, discuss it in private and reach a common understanding with your husband so as not to undermine his role.

Don't take rebellion personally. The teenage years are the transition time from dependence as a child to independence as an adult. Rebellion in some form is to be expected from all teens, even in intact families. 

So don't get offended when your stepdaughter is rebellious; take it in stride and focus on the behavior exhibited. It is less likely to be focused at you than it is to be focused on their changing world.

If you are consistent, stay within your role, and show that you care about and love her and her dad, the barriers will eventually come down and a positive relationship will become the pattern.

All the above is easier said than done, but very possible none-the-less.

Mark


 

Understanding Teen Engagement in Public Violent Protests: A Comprehensive Guide for Parents

In recent years, the landscape of civic engagement has evolved, with young people increasingly participating in protests to express their views on social justice issues. This trend often escalates into violence, leaving many parents feeling anxious and uncertain about how to respond when their teenager becomes involved. To effectively guide your teenager through this complex situation, it's essential to understand the underlying motivations for their actions and adopt constructive strategies for engagement.


#### The Context: Understanding Why Teenagers Participate in Protests


Today's teenagers are often more politically and socially aware than previous generations, influenced by a wealth of information accessible through digital media. They are increasingly passionate about issues such as racial equality, climate change, police reform, and more. However, this passion can sometimes lead to reckless decisions, including participation in violent protests. Understanding the factors at play can help parents navigate their concerns:


1. **Social Influence and Group Dynamics**: Adolescents are notably susceptible to peer pressure and the influence of their social circles. If friends and classmates are participating in a protest, a teen may feel obligated to join, sometimes prioritizing the desire for social acceptance over their values or judgment.


2. **Emotional Turmoil and Impulsivity**: The teenage years are marked by significant emotional development, and many adolescents struggle to manage intense feelings effectively. A sense of frustration regarding societal issues can boil over during protests, leading to aggressive behavior as a misguided attempt to express their discontent.


3. **Identity Exploration**: The quest for identity is a winding journey during adolescence, and many teens gravitate towards activism as a means to assert their beliefs. They seek connection with movements that resonate with their values, often feeling a heightened sense of urgency to affect change.


4. **Rebellion Against Authority**: The teenage years are also characterized by a natural inclination to challenge authority and societal norms. Such rebellion can manifest in participation in protests, particularly if the movements oppose perceived injustices enforced by established structures.


#### Effective Strategies for Parents


If you learn that your teenager has taken part in a violent protest, it is crucial to tackle the situation with care and intent. Here are detailed strategies to guide your approach:


1. **Initiate an Open Dialogue**: Begin by fostering an environment where open communication is welcomed. Rather than starting with accusations or panic, invite your teenager to share their experiences and feelings regarding the protest. Ask questions such as, “What motivated you to join?” and “How did you feel during the event?” This can help you understand their perspective while demonstrating your willingness to listen.


2. **Educate on the Power of Nonviolent Protest**: Engage your teenager in conversations about the historical significance of nonviolent movements. Share examples such as Martin Luther King Jr.'s Civil Rights Movement or Gandhi’s activism for Indian independence. Discuss the effectiveness of peaceful protests in bringing about significant change, helping them connect the dots between methods and outcomes.


3. **Explore Positive Outlets for Activism**: Encourage your teenager to explore various ways to engage in social issues constructively. Suggest volunteering at local charities, organizing community awareness campaigns, or participating in peaceful rallies that align with their beliefs. Provide them with resources or opportunities within your community.


4. **Address Emotional and Psychological Well-being**: Recognize if their involvement in protests may signal deeper emotional struggles. Encourage them to talk about their feelings and consider seeking support from a counselor or therapist who specializes in adolescent issues. Professional guidance can empower your teenager to process their emotions in healthier ways.


5. **Establish Clear Boundaries**: While it’s critical to respect your teenager's autonomy, setting clear expectations regarding behavior is equally important. Explain the potential legal repercussions of violent actions, and underscore the importance of personal safety, not only for themselves but for their peers as well.


6. **Stay Informed About Relevant Issues**: Equip yourself with knowledge about the societal issues that provoke your teen's passion. Staying current with news articles, documentaries, and reliable online content can help you initiate meaningful conversations and allow you to provide informed guidance.


7. **Be a Role Model for Positive Activism**: Demonstrate the values of civic engagement by actively participating in community service, attending public discussions, or advocating for causes you believe in. Your actions speak volumes, showing your teenager that it’s possible to engage passionately and peacefully.


8. **Encourage Critical Thinking**: Cultivate your teenager’s ability to analyze information constructively. Teach them how to discern credible sources from misleading narratives, especially when consuming information on social media. Empower them to make informed decisions about the causes they support and the methods they endorse.


9. **Recognize When Further Help is Needed**: If your teenager continues to engage in risky behavior or shows signs of emotional distress, it may be time to involve additional support systems, such as school counselors or local activist groups. These resources can provide your teenager with additional perspectives and support outside the family dynamic.


10. **Maintain Ongoing Connections**: Keep the lines of communication open, regularly checking in on your teenager’s thoughts and feelings regarding societal issues. Make it clear that their opinions matter and that discussing their passions can foster mutual understanding and respect within the family.


Involvement in public protests can be a significant and passionate expression for teenagers, but when those protests escalate into violence, it often signifies underlying issues that must be addressed. As parents, your role is to guide, educate, and support your teenager in navigating their beliefs and actions. By fostering an open dialogue, encouraging constructive activism, and instilling critical thinking skills, you can help them grow into responsible advocates for the causes they believe in, contributing to positive change without resorting to violence.


Resources for parents of children and teens on the autism spectrum:
 

Defiant Behavior versus Normal Teenage Rebellion

Many families of defiant teens live in a home that has become a battleground. In the beginning, the daily struggles can be expected. After all, we knew that problems would occur because teens are naturally rebellious, to a degree. Initially, stress can be so subtle that we lose sight of a war, which others do not realize is occurring. 
 
We honestly believe that we can work through the problems. Outbursts, rages, and strife become a way of life (an emotionally unhealthy way of life). We set aside our own needs and focus on the needs of our teenager. But what does it cost us?

There is a significant difference between normal teenage rebellion versus defiance:
  • Defiant teens are destructive and disagreeable by nature
  • They like to push their parents' anger-buttons
  • Every request results in a power struggle
  • Lying is a daily habit, and stealing is a favorite hobby
  • Getting others to react strongly pleases and amuses them
  • They blame others for their mistakes and misbehavior
  • And they have no remorse for the hurtful things they say and do

The majority of the population does not understand the dynamics of parenting a defiant child. Family and friends may think that you -- the parent -- are the one with the problem. Parents of defiant teens are frequently turned in on false abuse allegations. Support is non-existent, because outsiders can't even begin to imagine that children can be so destructive. Where does that leave a parent?

Without strong support and understanding, the parent will become isolated, demoralized, hurt, confused, and often held accountable for the actions of her/his teenager.

Families are simply not prepared for the profound anger that lives in the heart and soul of the defiant teen -- he/she sees YOU, the parent, as the enemy. Small expectations on the parent's part can set the defiant teen off in ways that are not only indescribable, but also often unbelievable.

Your home becomes a war-zone and you feel totally inadequate. You begin to question your parenting abilities -- and your own sanity. Your heart's desire is to provide your child with untold opportunities, a future, and all the love in the world. You want to soothe your troubled teen. You want him/her to have a fulfilling life and to grow up to be a responsible adult. Yet, you are met with hatred and fierce anger.

In war, the battle lines are drawn; an antagonism exists between two enemies. In our homes, we are not drawing battle lines; we are not prepared for war. We are prepared for parenting. Consequently, the ongoing stress can result in disastrous effects on our well-being, literally causing our emotional and physical health to deteriorate.

In parenting a defiant teenager, you will not escape adverse effects. It is essential to recognize that your feelings are typical under stressful conditions. It is just as essential to accept the fact that extensive stress is unhealthy. By recognizing the symptoms and seeking support, you will strengthen your abilities to cope.

The strains a defiant teen puts on your family can be enormous.

Effects on the family:
  • A defiant teen will play one parent off the other, which could result in  a rift between parents.
  • Dreams of the perfect, loving, caring family are squashed. There is no such thing as perfect family, but a family with a defiant child can become quite dysfunctional.
  • Due to the child’s disruptive behavior, parents often withdraw from social functions.
  • Family events, like Christmas, can be filled with anger and frustration.
  • Parents appear to be unfair, strict and sometimes hostile, as parenting skills used with healthy children do not work with defiant children.
  • Siblings and pets can often be targeted and threatened.
  • Siblings often feel ignored or overlooked as the defiant child takes up so much of the parent’s time.

Defiant teens are not bad -- but they are very intense.  And they seek intensity from others as well -- especially their parents!

Unfortunately, they have discovered that their parents are the most intense and exciting when things are going wrong.  What parents may have viewed as punishment for their defiant child was actually a reward (i.e., he/she received a bigger payoff for misbehavior).

Discipline Methods That Make a Bad Problem Worse

D___ is beyond out of control. He is still grounded from his computer until he has completed his 10 day sentence to alternative school (he tries constantly to get them back- just for 1hr cause I am being good type deal). But the real issue is at school. He is in alternative school right now and the teacher today says D___ is being so bad that if he does not stop they are going to have the police write him a ticket!!!! This is up to a 500.00 fine that I DO NOT HAVE OR WILL EVER HAVE and WILL NOT PAY so i don't know what happens then?? !! The teacher asked him to stop talking and D___ says she has no right to take away his freedom of speech, he refuses to do this work, told the teacher she is horrible at her job! HE IS A NIGHTMARE. I got him on the phone and told him he had better keep his &%&)%$(&)^% mouth shut and i mean NOW! So what do I do know that I blew it again? Strip his room to a mattress and make him earn every piece back? Or take everything and give it all back when he is done with this school or what? I still have no idea what the heck I am doing. All I know is he is killing me. I am so upset. 

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Hi S.,

10 days is too long. I recommend a 1 - 3 day discipline – not 10. 

For behavior modification to work, the program must have certain properties:
  1. A few important behaviors need to be targeted. Rather than targeting "being good," you might try “no talking in class.”
  2. It must be consistent. There is no bending of rules in this sort of thing: no difference between the mom or dad or teacher.
  3. It should be simple and straightforward so that your child easily understands it. If your child can read, it should be written down. If possible, your child should sign it and agree to it.
  4. The behavior must be clear cut and not fuzzy. Things like "listen when I tell you something" won't work, because it is too unclear. A better idea would be, "If you choose to ______________, then you’ll choose to be grounded for 3 days with no game privileges."
  5. The rewards and punishments need to be geared to the individual.
  6. The rewards should not be money or things that are bought, but rather should be privileges, which you can grant or activities, which the child can do. Behavior Modification should not require a bank loan.
  7. There needs to be an even mix of negative and positive reinforcers. A typical Positive one would be a later bedtime on the weekend or a choice of dinner. A typical negative one would be going to your room or no cell phone.
Here are some examples of good vs. bad behavior modification programs:
D___ talks in class when he is not supposed to. This drives his parent nuts and she would like to kill him when he comes home. The behavior she wants is to have D___ not talk during class.
The Assertive Parent-- The positive reinforcer would be if he does not talk during class for 5 days, he can have a friend stay over and they can stay up late. The negative reinforcer would be that if the parent gets another complaint from school, D___ will be grounded for 3 days with no games.

The Passive Parent --If you don’t talk in class, I will pay you five dollars or you will be able to stay up as late as you want at our house that night. If you DO talk in class, nothing bad will happen.

The Aggressive Parent --The next time I get a call from school, you’ll be grounded for 10 days.

Another important point is to AVOID POWER STRUGGLES AT ALL COST. One of the reasons you continue to struggle with D___ is because you are in a power struggle with him. Kids ALWAYS win power struggles because they have less to lose in the long run. Power struggles create distance and hostility instead of closeness and trust. Distance and hostility create resentment, resistance, rebellion (or compliance with lowered self-esteem). Closeness and trust create a safe learning environment. You have a positive influence only in an atmosphere of closeness and trust where there is no fear of blame, shame or pain.


I have never seen a power drunk child without a power drunk adult real close by. Adults need to remove themselves from the power struggle without winning or giving in. Create a win/win environment. HOW?

The following suggestions teach children important life skills including self-discipline, responsibility, cooperation and problem-solving skills -- instead of "approval junkie" compliance or rebellion:
  • Be consistent with the limits and rules.
  • Determine what the consequences will be before an inappropriate behavior happens.
  • Expect non-compliance. Testing the limits is normal behavior for a teenager.
  • Learn to speak in a calm but firm tone. Keep the lines of communication open. Yelling and screaming never helps.
  • Listen to their feelings and keep an open mind. You still have the ability to say no, so why not listen to what they have to say.
  • Stay rational – you are the adult. If need be, take a 'time out' yourself.
  • Take deep breaths, count back from 100, and remember the goal is to have a happy, healthy young adult when you are done.
  • Use an Action Plan (see below) if necessary.
  • Use natural and logical consequences (see below). Be firm and stick with them.

Here’s an example of an Action Plan. Let’s use the example of Internet use:

Internet Privileges

I know that the World Wide Web is not a toy. It is as interesting, and dangerous as being able to walk down any street, in any town or city, in the world. It reflects all parts of life today, which is fascinating and scary.
  1. In order to have the privilege of using the World Wide Web, I need to follow these rules, so I can keep myself and my family safe.
  2. I will never give out personal information to anyone online, including but not limited to:
    • my full name, or anyone else's
    • my address, or anyone else's
    • my passwords, or anyone else's
    • my phone number, or anyone else's
  3. I will always be polite when chatting online, I will treat them with the respect that I expect to be given. If I am treated unkindly, I will not reciprocate in the same manner. I will leave the chat room if I get too angry.
  4. I will never personally meet anyone I have meet online without the permission of my parents. If this opportunity should arise, I fully expect my parents to come to the meeting.
  5. I will never call anyone I have met online without the permission of my parents.
  6. I will report all incidents in chat rooms to my parents and to the room administrators.
  7. I will not go surfing in areas that are not appropriate including, but not limited to websites:
    • that are of a sexual nature
    • that promote hate
    • that are offensive in language
    • that are of a violent nature
  8. I will not go surfing around looking for new places without my parents permission.
  9. I will follow these rules whether I am at home, at school, or at a friends. If my friend is not following these rules, I will leave.
  10. I will not purchase anything online without permission of my parents. If I do not follow these rules I expect that (here's where you put the consequence, ie... to lose computer privileges for one week.)

Child's Signature:__________________________________

Parent's Signature:________________________________

Deciding Between Natural or Logical Consequences—


When parents want their children to learn from their mistakes, they have the choice of allowing the child to deal with the natural consequences or set up logical consequences. But how do you choose between the two types of consequences? When is one more effective than the other?

When natural consequences are immediate they are very effective. If your teen touches a hot pot, he/she will get burned and is not likely to do that again. Many times, however, natural consequences are not immediate or are too dangerous to allow. Running into the street without looking does not always have immediate consequences. Either does not wearing a seat belt when driving. Both actions, though, could have dire natural consequences that no one wants. Therefore, the natural consequences aren’t what a parent should use to teach their teen the responsibility of their own safety and it is up to the parents to sort out a logical consequence that will promote the desired behavior – in this instance not running into the street without looking or wearing a seat belt.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Another instance of when logical consequences will be more effective than natural consequences is while your teen is getting a high school education. The benefits of good grades in school are so far off into the future that teens do not fully comprehend them. While your teen can repeat what he/she has been told: ‘good grades will get you into a good college and you’ll make more money’, until he/she sees the type of job or paycheck a college education can get, he/she will not understand the difference. Logical consequences, including rewards for good grades and privileges taken for poor grades work best as your teen can fully understand these.

There are times when the natural consequence is the better choice for the parent to make. One excellent example is when your teen is dating or making friends. Finding out what type of person your teen wants to be with and how your teen wants to be treated is going to be his/her choice. Dating or making friends with someone who isn’t his/her type is going to show that to him/her. Barring any mistreatment from a friend or a date, parents will need to hold their tongue and refrain from giving their opinions in order to let the natural consequences – positive or negative – happen.

Discipline choices are never easy. Hopefully knowing the difference between natural and logical consequences will help you make the right choices for you and your son.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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PARENT'S RESPONSE:

Thanks Mark!

I agree the 10 days is too long and against the programs suggestions - I chose the 10 days more out of pressure from my live in boyfriend that is more of the opinion that my son should be grounded for a month for getting into alternative school with nothing but a bed in his room and not allowed to leave his room other than to eat so the 10 days (the length he is in this school) was more of a peace maker on my own part (yes there are other issues at play here). But since that is what I told my son I figured it better for me to stick to it even though I know its too long rather than backing out of it like I typically have done in the past. I know next time the importance of keeping it simple and the boyfriend will have to deal with it.

Last night I decided the discipline for refusing to do his work at school and talking back and arguing with the teacher would be him losing the privilege of his TV and stereo for 2 days. I told him he can earn those privileges back in 2 days by 1. doing his work as requested in school and 2. not getting into a verbal confrontation with anyone at school (teacher, student- no one!) I did explain to him that if he chooses not to do what is required the 2 days will start over. I then told him he must go clean his room until dinner was done then he could shower and go to bed for the night. He took it very well and before he went to bed he apologized to me for how he acted at school. I told him I loved him and asked him to sit down for a minute. I told him that I wanted him to understand that freedom of speech is a blessing we have in this country and our forefathers did not intend that right to be used as an excuse to be hurtful and disrespectful to people. I let him know freedom of speech was created so people could not be imprisoned for speaking their beliefs however it does not protect those from being punished if they use speech to disrupt the public or harass people. He seemed to really listen - I hope he gets it!!

I emailed his teacher today and told her what his discipline is and asked her if she could please let me know if D___ is doing the 2 things required to earn his tv and stereo back. I guess for the ps4 and computer I need to stick to giving them back after the 10 days is up since that is what I told him???

So I know I have blown it a few times but I am still trying :) I have faith and hope but boy I do get discouraged sometimes. I appreciate your patience with that. I have never really had someone try to help me in a productive way. I have been told "YOU NEED TO BE A PARENT" and "YOU NEED TO GET HIM UNDER CONTROL" and that has been the so called help I have gotten so far. So I thank you!


 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

The Science of Rebellion: Understanding the Psychology Behind Teen Defiance and Growth

Adolescence, typically spanning from ages 10 to 19, is a pivotal and transformative stage of development characterized by profound shifts in...