We Bought Bill a Truck

Mark, We made contract with [our son] Bill when we bought him a truck. It said he would keep grades at C's and have no more behavior problems. The second week of school, he was suspended for telling the bus driver to shut up and flipping him off. We have the truck for sale. This was stated plainly in contract. Are we doing the right thing? ~ Sharon

________________________

Hi Sharon,

As you read my ebook, you'll discover where I fall of the issue of "advanced credit." The deal you made with your son goes something like this:

"We'll give you a truck in exchange for (a) grades no lower than a 'C' and (b) no more behavior problems."

With unconventional, strong-willed kids, "advanced credit" is the kiss of failure.

For example, son says, "Mom, can I go over to my friend's house to play basketball."

Mom says, "No, not until you get your homework done."

Son says, "I'll do it when I get back ...I promise. I've gotta play basketball."

Mom says, "O.K., but you make sure you're home in one hour and get started on that homework."

Son says, "Alright!" ...and he takes off out the door, fully intending to do his homework when he returns home.

You know the rest of the story. Does the homework get done?

No ...of course not.

Unconventional kids are not into "compromising" or "making deals" with parents -- they simply want to "have it their way." You will NEVER get your son to work for what you want, but you WILL get him to work for what he wants.

Here's what I recommend:

I know it was stipulated in the contract, but don't sell the truck!

The development of "self-reliance" is key. This is a golden opportunity for your son to EARN that truck and develop some self-reliance.

Here's how:

He earns his own money and pays for all or half of the truck -- you decide. He can earn money from doing chores at home, as well as his place of employment (if he's old enough to drive, he's old enough to be working somewhere).

When he reaches the dollar amount that you have agreed to (no contract, simply tell him what the expectation is), he can possess the truck -- and not a minute earlier. If there’s no way he can afford to pay at least half, then trade the truck in for a cheaper vehicle and proceed as described.

Remember: No Advanced Credit!

Tip: When a parent gives a child a vehicle, the kid has it pretty much destroyed in about 9 months. When a child pays for all or half of his vehicle, he washes and waxes the damn thing every weekend.

Please keep me posted regarding the progress of this matter.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

St. Paul's Academy

Dear Mr. Hutten,

A few minutes ago I e-mailed you a link to St. Paul’s web page. I want to take a minute to provide you some more background information. St. Paul’s is a private, not for profit college-prep boarding and day high school for young men. The school has a 46 year history of working with young men as a therapeutic group home, residential treatment center and during the past 12 years as a boarding school offering counseling support. Our typical students include:

--Students who have gotten off the academic path due to poor choices, drug and alcohol experimentation, negative peer groups and desire to get back on track.

--Students who perform better in a small classroom setting.

--Students who require a structured academic and residential setting.

--Students who desire the benefits of private school education.

--Students who are scholarshiped as day students because of the benefits of a state academic tax credit for underprivileged children. Students receive the scholarship based on merit and a desire to be part of the school.

Through the years we have seen discouraged kids become encouraged and students who had no hope of entering into college because of past poor choices be accepted and be successful in a college of their choice. The school offers a strong character development component based on developing personal responsibility, honor and integrity. St. Paul’s has a 100% college acceptance. We also offer auxiliary counseling services for those students who need additional emotional support for the challenges they face.

I have worked for the school for over twenty years in various positions including therapist, Director of Residential Life, Dean of Counseling, Dean of Students. Recently we have established the position of Parent Liaison to assist parents with the challenges of having their son in a boarding school and I have moved into this role. In addition to being a mentor for the parents, I will also be conducting parenting workshops through the year.

I am also working on a school based web site (see my link below) that will offer assistance to our parents, and am pleased to be offering a link to your web site and book.

Your book and web site is an excellent source of guidance and support for all parents, just not those of troubled teens.

Best regards,

Jim Graves, MC

Parent Liaison

St. Paul's Preparatory Academy

Educating Young Men Since 1961