Is She ODD?

Mark,

Thanks for your concern. Well I have started reading the ebook, but have not yet completed. I thought I should first complete reading before implementing. I think its an excellent book and am looking forward to seriously using the advise given there. I just wanted a little clarity with respect to my case. Please bear with me.

I have only one adopted child (adopted from the day she was born) who just turned thirteen. Since childhood we have found her to be a very difficult child. Though we have not got her diagnosed clinically as an ODD child, from what I have read in the past and also from your book she conforms to at least 90% of the criteria given for ODD.

Since she had always been very hyper, impulsive, lacked concentration, easily distracted and used abusive language, I had her locally (in Pakistan) assessed when she was 8 and was told she is not ADHD just a high spirited child and needed a behavioural therapy program.

In order to confirm this I had taken her to a psychiatrist in Dallas (where my family lives) when she was ten years old and she was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder with a mild case of ADHD not to be ruled out.

At that time she had a fear of darkness and never slept alone in her room. She slept with us till she was ten. Then based on the US doc’s advice, I gradually (in one years time) weaned her out of this and now she is not scared of the dark and sleeps alone in her room -- in fact she does not even want us to enter her room.

I realised from what I have read in your book that our parenting style was the one used by parents of normal children. Honestly speaking I am more of an overindulgent parent. But due to the unmanageable state of affairs now which has driven us up the wall, we feel we need help.

My question to you is that do you think its safe to follow your instructions given in your book even though she has not been clinically diagnosed as ODD?

If you need to know more about my daughter please feel free to ask. I just feel that since none of my previous parenting style has helped I should follow your advise as my gut feeling is that something is definitely wrong with her behaviour as she lacks control and is highly emotionally sensitive too.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

S.

____________________

Hi S.,

I’ll give you the short answer first:

The methods described in my ebook are very safe for those children who have not yet been diagnosed with ODD.

Most of my teen and pre-teen clients have not been formally diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder (CD). But ALL of them have the characteristics of the disorders to one degree or another. Whether you have big problems or small ones, the techniques discussed in the ebook will work well for you.

Now for the longer answer:

If your daughter has only four of the following characteristics, she is ODD. And ODD never travels alone, so it doesn’t surprise me that she has some ADHD symptoms going on as well. 30% to 40% of ADHD kids also have ODD:

1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Thus, researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:
· Is spiteful and vindictive
· Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:
· Is touchy or easily annoyed by others
· Loses temper
· Argues with adults
· Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:
· Is angry and resentful
· Deliberately annoys people

I hope this answers your question.

Stay in touch,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The Dependency Cycle

Hi, some good news. The other night I had a really good chat with my son and went over the dependency cycle with him -- and also got him to tick which of the statements of behaviour was his, and which was the parents.

He was very honest and laughed when we came to the parent’s bit on saying “no” to kids. When I asked him why he was laughing, he said, “Because it sounded just like his dad.”

I have spoken to his dad and told him this and printed off some information for him including the dependency cycle. I have had a quick look at it with him, and he has said he will read it, but he wasn't sure if he could totally follow your program as he does find it so hard saying no.

But he has said we can go over it together and adapt to what he thinks he can manage and take it from there -- small steps at a time.

So I am making some progress.

Kind regards,

A. J.
_______________

More information on the Dependency Cycle: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Am I Just Seeing This The Wrong Way?

Mark, Thank you for your help and for being available. We have not yet implemented anything but have read most of session 1. David does like to bully his brothers and I guess everyone he can when he gets angry or wants and outcome to be a certain way.

Last night my son David asked me if he could go camping with his friend and his friend's father this weekend. He was doing better in school [before the virus came along and the schools closed]. I do see his efforts and don't want to discourage any positive even if it isn't what I would like to see completely. However, I was going to let him go and then in an argument that he swears he didn't start he pushed his younger brother in anger. This is not a new problem and we have handled it with appropriate consequences.

David's stepfather told him immediately that he wasn't going on this trip. I am not sure that is the right thing to do because we haven't really prepared him or any of our children for this new approach we are all taking. I guess I feel that we haven't really stood too strong up till now and to choose something that means this much to him without him really knowing the consequences before the action is unfair. All my children know that there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse tolerated in this home. I have recently started working full time and am not even home anymore (which I am adjusting) in order to take these situations on.

Anyway, without taking anymore of your time I feel it is unfair and will only cause him to feel helpless and angry and pull away. I don't feel that we properly prepared him for these consequences. Am I just seeing this the wrong way? Do you agree that it is the right or the wrong way to approach this incident?

C.

___________________________________

Hi C.,

Ideally the parent would neither retract a consequence once imposed, nor withhold a reward was issued (i.e., once you impose a consequence -- stick to it; once you reward -- follow through in spite of subsequent behavior problems).

So if you already told your son that he can go camping, he should be able to go. There was no contingency attached to the 'deal' (e.g., "If you don't push your brother, then you can go camping").

But the larger issue (as you will discover in the ebook) is fostering the development of self-reliance. Thus the question now is “what did your son do to EARN his camping trip?”

"Ignoring misbehavior" is an over-rated parenting strategy. But when it comes to "sibling rivalry," ignoring misbehavior is the best approach. This is difficult for most parents, because the idea of an older sib hurting a younger, smaller weaker sib is seemingly intolerable. But when parents refuse to play referee, the siblings are forced to develop "give-and-take" social skills that are greatly needed later in adult life. (I'm an older sib, and I can tell you that older sibs do not kill their younger brothers and sisters.)

Also, it would be best for you and your husband to consult one another before making any decisions regarding your children's rewards or consequences. When one parent makes a decision alone that the other parent does not agree with, then one or the other is forced into the position of being the "bad guy."

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

 

==> DO you and your spouse disagree on how and when to discipline your teenager? Click here for a bunch of suggestions...


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My Son Starts Fires

Mark,

My son starts fires. He recently decided to catch playing cards on fire and throw them under his bed. We could have had our house burnt to the ground. My husband wants to take him to a burn unit to show him what kind of damage can happen to the skin when burned. Does this sound like a good idea or not?

____________________

Not! Remember that defiant kids enjoy intensity. So a trip to the burn unit will not intimidate him, rather it will intrigue him.

Often times parents will attempt to "scare" their children into behaving properly. For example, parents may want their child to:

-- take a tour of juvenile detention
-- take a tour of adult jail or prison
-- go through the "scared straight" program (where kids go to an adult prison and get yelled at by a bunch of incarcerated convicts)
-- go to the local morgue to view the deceased, mangled body of someone who was not wearing his seat belt or who drove drunk

These are examples of "traditional" parenting strategies that make a bad problem worse.

Why? Because it provides a high level of intensity (i.e., interest, fascination) -- and defiant children love intensity.

Worse yet, exposure to such things de-sensitizes them, thus yielding the opposite effect from what the parent wanted to accomplish (i.e., rather than scaring the child, they have now raised the curiosity level in the child). Fear-based motivation has the opposite effect with defiant children.

So what should you do instead? In my Ebook, there is a chapter entitled “Anger Management” – and in that chapter there is a section entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.” You’ll find a better parenting strategy there.


Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Son's Father Works Against Me

One of the members of Online Parent Support recently told me that her ex-husband is not on the same page with her regarding discipline. Sometimes he cooperates with her, other times he does his own thing -- which undermines her.

Her oldest son lives with his father, but visits her a couple times a week. The son does not like visiting mom, because mom has rules and dad does not (not many anyway). So here was my response:

----------

Good to hear from you A.,

I think I detect a bit of cooperation from your ex, although he does not like to be the "bad guy" and does not like to be put in the middle (i.e., between you and your son).

If you haven't already done so, please give you ex a copy of the ebook. Is he open to trying a few new things? If he will get on the same page with you, the two of you will have tremendous success with your eldest son.

However, if your husband "does his own thing" as far as discipline (or lack thereof), then we must revert back to the strategy I talked about in the last email (i.e., 'strategy' is about what you CAN control).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

If your ex seems to always work against you (e.g., withdraw a discipline you have already imposed, blame you for the families problems, etc.), then I encourage you to cultivate the "art of letting go."

"Letting go" would look something like this:

-- Your ex has his rules; you have your rules

-- When your son is with dad, he can operate under dad's rules

-- When your son is at your residence, he must operate under your rules

-- If he does not like your rules, he can choose to (a) follow your rules anyway, or (b) leave your residence and go back to dad's

-- If your ex is working against you rather than with you, take no complaints from him regarding your son's behavior (e.g., You might say to your ex, "If you are having problems with our son while he is at your house, I cannot help you as long as you operate under a different set of rules than what I have.")

I think your ex needs to experience some painful emotions associated with his poor parenting choices. Use the strategies I discuss in the eBook on both your son and your ex.

Stay in touch,

Mark 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

I Feel Helpless

"I have bought your ebook and wanted your advice. I spilt from my partner 2 years ago, and my eldest son who is 13 nearly 14 stayed with his dad. The problem I have is our son is out of control, and I feel helpless, as my son is just how you describe, and his dad is exactly how you describe. I do punishments and follow them through, but how can I get his dad to see that him giving our son whatever he wants is the cause for his behaviour -- and is not because his dad and I parted. His dad can say he is grounded, but then lets his friends sleep over. I'm at my wits end with worry and feel so helpless. When I was with my ex, this was always a big problem, because whenever I said no, it would be "I’ll ask dad ...he will let me" -- and yes he would. Any help or advice would be great. Many thanks A."

__________________________

Hi A.,

There are two things that will happen:

1.Dad (your ex) will be on the same page as you …or

2.Dad will NOT be on the same page as you

If it is likely that dad will read the eBook and follow the same strategies as you, feel free to give him a copy so he can read it.

What I think I hear you saying, however, is that dad will not work with you. Dad wants to be the “good guy,” and has been successful in doing so.

In this case, you need a strategy. And strategy is about what you can control. So we must look at what things you can and cannot control.

Let’s look first at what you cannot control, and let’s be honest about this:

·You cannot control your son (nor can your ex)

·You cannot control your ex (he cannot control you either)

·You cannot control how your ex chooses to parent your son (he cannot control how you choose to parent either)

So the above things cannot be controlled, thus they should not be part of your strategy.

What can you control?

·You can control the things your son enjoys while at your house (e.g., telephones, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, furniture, etc).

While your son may not be willing to work for the things you want, he will usually work for the things he wants. By controlling the things he wants, you can motivate him to change unwanted behaviors.

You must be willing to be the “bad guy” for your son’s sake.

So, “let go” of those things you cannot control. Focus instead on those things you can control.

At this point, I’ll need more information about what’s going on between you and your ex before I can offer additional feedback.

Stay in touch,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

Click here for more help:

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

I Want My Baby Back

My son was just recently diagnosed ODD, although I suspected for quite some time. Is there ever a time where it is too late to begin these techniques? Things are escalating here and there has been some drinking and smoking marijuana. He has disappeared in his car for 8 hrs before and he ran away Friday night -- the police found him after 3 hours and brought him home. He shows no remorse for this and I've found on his website that he almost brags about it -- a badge of honor of sorts.

I am truly at my wits end as I don't know where to go with this behavior. We have contemplated sending him to a residential treatment facility, however, those are very pricey and I would prefer to keep him in the home and "fix" everything. I don't want to be unrealistic, I just want my "baby" back. I need to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel!!

Thanks for your help!

_____________________

Hi C.,

There is NEVER a time where it is too late. By the time I get referrals to my program, the teen is, on average, 17-years-old.

I have to tell you though, you will never get your baby back. You managed nearly every aspect of your son's life for many many years. But at some point, he fired you as the manager and said (in his own words) "I'll take it from here."

You will never be able to manage your son's life again -- BUT -- you can be re-hired as a consultant, and I'll show you how.

The ODD child will never work for what the parent wants, but he will work for what he wants.

Parents with an ODD child cannot control that child, but they can "influence" him to make better choices.

But they must have a plan, and the plan must be somewhat "unconventional" in nature. Unconventional or non-traditional kids need unconventional, non-traditional parenting strategies.

Traditional strategies DO NOT WORK. Instead, they make a bad problem worse.

Please download "My ODD Child" eBook, listen to my ODD seminar, view the power point presentations, email or call me as needed. And I promise you that this nightmare will soon end.

Mark