My Son Hates Me

"My son feels offended because I went to the school and got a drug test to be performed on him. What I can do to ease the hate he now feels toward me? How can I make him talk to me again without giving him the edge?"

I don't think your son hates you. He probably doesn't like you, though. Sit down with your son and have the following conversation:

Tell him that you love him so much that you are not willing to stand by and watch him make poor choices and engage in self-destructive behaviors that will hurt him -- and his family. This is why you are using "tough love."

You're not out to make his life miserable, you are trying to help him grow. If you didn't love or care for him, you wouldn't bother with him.

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle for your son's acceptance. Don't strain to get him to "like" you as you begin to set some limits with his behavior. Instead, enjoy the process of the good parenting you are doing. His acceptance will come independent of your striving for it.

Love and caring for your son is about process, not outcome. And process is about purpose. And purpose is about doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do whether your son sees it yet or not.

Believe it or not, one day your son will see the bigger picture and realize you were doing him a favor all along.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is She ODD?

Mark,

Thanks for your concern. Well I have started reading the ebook, but have not yet completed. I thought I should first complete reading before implementing. I think its an excellent book and am looking forward to seriously using the advise given there. I just wanted a little clarity with respect to my case. Please bear with me.

I have only one adopted child (adopted from the day she was born) who just turned thirteen. Since childhood we have found her to be a very difficult child. Though we have not got her diagnosed clinically as an ODD child, from what I have read in the past and also from your book she conforms to at least 90% of the criteria given for ODD.

Since she had always been very hyper, impulsive, lacked concentration, easily distracted and used abusive language, I had her locally (in Pakistan) assessed when she was 8 and was told she is not ADHD just a high spirited child and needed a behavioural therapy program.

In order to confirm this I had taken her to a psychiatrist in Dallas (where my family lives) when she was ten years old and she was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder with a mild case of ADHD not to be ruled out.

At that time she had a fear of darkness and never slept alone in her room. She slept with us till she was ten. Then based on the US doc’s advice, I gradually (in one years time) weaned her out of this and now she is not scared of the dark and sleeps alone in her room -- in fact she does not even want us to enter her room.

I realised from what I have read in your book that our parenting style was the one used by parents of normal children. Honestly speaking I am more of an overindulgent parent. But due to the unmanageable state of affairs now which has driven us up the wall, we feel we need help.

My question to you is that do you think its safe to follow your instructions given in your book even though she has not been clinically diagnosed as ODD?

If you need to know more about my daughter please feel free to ask. I just feel that since none of my previous parenting style has helped I should follow your advise as my gut feeling is that something is definitely wrong with her behaviour as she lacks control and is highly emotionally sensitive too.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

S.

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Hi S.,

I’ll give you the short answer first:

The methods described in my ebook are very safe for those children who have not yet been diagnosed with ODD.

Most of my teen and pre-teen clients have not been formally diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder (CD). But ALL of them have the characteristics of the disorders to one degree or another. Whether you have big problems or small ones, the techniques discussed in the ebook will work well for you.

Now for the longer answer:

If your daughter has only four of the following characteristics, she is ODD. And ODD never travels alone, so it doesn’t surprise me that she has some ADHD symptoms going on as well. 30% to 40% of ADHD kids also have ODD:

1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Thus, researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:
· Is spiteful and vindictive
· Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:
· Is touchy or easily annoyed by others
· Loses temper
· Argues with adults
· Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:
· Is angry and resentful
· Deliberately annoys people

I hope this answers your question.

Stay in touch,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The Dependency Cycle

Hi, some good news. The other night I had a really good chat with my son and went over the dependency cycle with him -- and also got him to tick which of the statements of behaviour was his, and which was the parents.

He was very honest and laughed when we came to the parent’s bit on saying “no” to kids. When I asked him why he was laughing, he said, “Because it sounded just like his dad.”

I have spoken to his dad and told him this and printed off some information for him including the dependency cycle. I have had a quick look at it with him, and he has said he will read it, but he wasn't sure if he could totally follow your program as he does find it so hard saying no.

But he has said we can go over it together and adapt to what he thinks he can manage and take it from there -- small steps at a time.

So I am making some progress.

Kind regards,

A. J.
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More information on the Dependency Cycle: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com