I'm Getting No Support From My Fiancé

Mark,

I am still working on instilling assignment 1 into myself. I have caught myself many times arguing with my kids, but quickly caught myself.

My fiancé (to be honest) is not the support network I was hoping for. We live together, and he is here with the kids while I am at work and he hasn't even picked up the your book that I printed out.

I am unsure as to what to do. I have only really begun this today. I had to read it between working full time, a 19-month-old baby, 3 teenage boys, and a teenage daughter that isn't living at home any longer. I guess I am behind schedule.

I apologize. I kept waiting for my fiancé to take the time to go over it with me. I wanted to make sure I could count on his support. I don't believe that I can count on him to support me or even take this new approach seriously. Can I make this work even though he is still living here and not taking this too seriously?

C.

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Hi C.,

There have been instances where my wife felt un-supported, but she does a good job of asserting herself and telling me what she needs. This is very helpful to me, because I get a clear idea of what I need to do differently.

Anyway, I think it is very possible to make this work even though your fiancé is not taking things seriously. You will have to take the initiative however.

Can you sit down with him sometime and get him up-to-speed on the MOST important parenting strategies. Those would be:


· “The Art of Saying Yes”
· “The Art of Saying No”
· “When You Want Something From Your Kid”


He is probably willing to work with you to at least some degree -- if not, you should get rid of him!

Explain the most important strategies listed above. Keep it short and simple (i.e., summarize these strategies for him). Then the two of you practice, practice, then practice some more. Eventually your new parenting strategies will become habit.

Stay in touch. I’m here for you.

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Son Hates Me

"My son feels offended because I went to the school and got a drug test to be performed on him. What I can do to ease the hate he now feels toward me? How can I make him talk to me again without giving him the edge?"

I don't think your son hates you. He probably doesn't like you, though. Sit down with your son and have the following conversation:

Tell him that you love him so much that you are not willing to stand by and watch him make poor choices and engage in self-destructive behaviors that will hurt him -- and his family. This is why you are using "tough love."

You're not out to make his life miserable, you are trying to help him grow. If you didn't love or care for him, you wouldn't bother with him.

Resist your impulse to strive and struggle for your son's acceptance. Don't strain to get him to "like" you as you begin to set some limits with his behavior. Instead, enjoy the process of the good parenting you are doing. His acceptance will come independent of your striving for it.

Love and caring for your son is about process, not outcome. And process is about purpose. And purpose is about doing what you know in your heart is the right thing to do whether your son sees it yet or not.

Believe it or not, one day your son will see the bigger picture and realize you were doing him a favor all along.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Is She ODD?

Mark,

Thanks for your concern. Well I have started reading the ebook, but have not yet completed. I thought I should first complete reading before implementing. I think its an excellent book and am looking forward to seriously using the advise given there. I just wanted a little clarity with respect to my case. Please bear with me.

I have only one adopted child (adopted from the day she was born) who just turned thirteen. Since childhood we have found her to be a very difficult child. Though we have not got her diagnosed clinically as an ODD child, from what I have read in the past and also from your book she conforms to at least 90% of the criteria given for ODD.

Since she had always been very hyper, impulsive, lacked concentration, easily distracted and used abusive language, I had her locally (in Pakistan) assessed when she was 8 and was told she is not ADHD just a high spirited child and needed a behavioural therapy program.

In order to confirm this I had taken her to a psychiatrist in Dallas (where my family lives) when she was ten years old and she was diagnosed as having anxiety disorder with a mild case of ADHD not to be ruled out.

At that time she had a fear of darkness and never slept alone in her room. She slept with us till she was ten. Then based on the US doc’s advice, I gradually (in one years time) weaned her out of this and now she is not scared of the dark and sleeps alone in her room -- in fact she does not even want us to enter her room.

I realised from what I have read in your book that our parenting style was the one used by parents of normal children. Honestly speaking I am more of an overindulgent parent. But due to the unmanageable state of affairs now which has driven us up the wall, we feel we need help.

My question to you is that do you think its safe to follow your instructions given in your book even though she has not been clinically diagnosed as ODD?

If you need to know more about my daughter please feel free to ask. I just feel that since none of my previous parenting style has helped I should follow your advise as my gut feeling is that something is definitely wrong with her behaviour as she lacks control and is highly emotionally sensitive too.

Anxiously awaiting your reply,

S.

____________________

Hi S.,

I’ll give you the short answer first:

The methods described in my ebook are very safe for those children who have not yet been diagnosed with ODD.

Most of my teen and pre-teen clients have not been formally diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder (CD). But ALL of them have the characteristics of the disorders to one degree or another. Whether you have big problems or small ones, the techniques discussed in the ebook will work well for you.

Now for the longer answer:

If your daughter has only four of the following characteristics, she is ODD. And ODD never travels alone, so it doesn’t surprise me that she has some ADHD symptoms going on as well. 30% to 40% of ADHD kids also have ODD:

1. Often loses temper
2. Often argues with adults
3. Often actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules
4. Often deliberately annoys people
5. Often blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior
6. Is often touchy or easily annoyed by others
7. Is often angry and resentful
8. Is often spiteful and vindictive

All of the criteria above include the word "often". Recent studies have shown that these behaviors occur to a varying degree in all children. Thus, researchers have found that the "often" is best solved by the following criteria.

Has occurred at all during the last three months:
· Is spiteful and vindictive
· Blames others for his or her mistakes or misbehavior

Occurs at least twice a week:
· Is touchy or easily annoyed by others
· Loses temper
· Argues with adults
· Actively defies or refuses to comply with adults' requests or rules

Occurs at least four times per week:
· Is angry and resentful
· Deliberately annoys people

I hope this answers your question.

Stay in touch,
Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

The Dependency Cycle

Hi, some good news. The other night I had a really good chat with my son and went over the dependency cycle with him -- and also got him to tick which of the statements of behaviour was his, and which was the parents.

He was very honest and laughed when we came to the parent’s bit on saying “no” to kids. When I asked him why he was laughing, he said, “Because it sounded just like his dad.”

I have spoken to his dad and told him this and printed off some information for him including the dependency cycle. I have had a quick look at it with him, and he has said he will read it, but he wasn't sure if he could totally follow your program as he does find it so hard saying no.

But he has said we can go over it together and adapt to what he thinks he can manage and take it from there -- small steps at a time.

So I am making some progress.

Kind regards,

A. J.
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More information on the Dependency Cycle: www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Am I Just Seeing This The Wrong Way?

Mark, Thank you for your help and for being available. We have not yet implemented anything but have read most of session 1. David does like to bully his brothers and I guess everyone he can when he gets angry or wants and outcome to be a certain way.

Last night my son David asked me if he could go camping with his friend and his friend's father this weekend. He was doing better in school [before the virus came along and the schools closed]. I do see his efforts and don't want to discourage any positive even if it isn't what I would like to see completely. However, I was going to let him go and then in an argument that he swears he didn't start he pushed his younger brother in anger. This is not a new problem and we have handled it with appropriate consequences.

David's stepfather told him immediately that he wasn't going on this trip. I am not sure that is the right thing to do because we haven't really prepared him or any of our children for this new approach we are all taking. I guess I feel that we haven't really stood too strong up till now and to choose something that means this much to him without him really knowing the consequences before the action is unfair. All my children know that there is no physical abuse or verbal abuse tolerated in this home. I have recently started working full time and am not even home anymore (which I am adjusting) in order to take these situations on.

Anyway, without taking anymore of your time I feel it is unfair and will only cause him to feel helpless and angry and pull away. I don't feel that we properly prepared him for these consequences. Am I just seeing this the wrong way? Do you agree that it is the right or the wrong way to approach this incident?

C.

___________________________________

Hi C.,

Ideally the parent would neither retract a consequence once imposed, nor withhold a reward was issued (i.e., once you impose a consequence -- stick to it; once you reward -- follow through in spite of subsequent behavior problems).

So if you already told your son that he can go camping, he should be able to go. There was no contingency attached to the 'deal' (e.g., "If you don't push your brother, then you can go camping").

But the larger issue (as you will discover in the ebook) is fostering the development of self-reliance. Thus the question now is “what did your son do to EARN his camping trip?”

"Ignoring misbehavior" is an over-rated parenting strategy. But when it comes to "sibling rivalry," ignoring misbehavior is the best approach. This is difficult for most parents, because the idea of an older sib hurting a younger, smaller weaker sib is seemingly intolerable. But when parents refuse to play referee, the siblings are forced to develop "give-and-take" social skills that are greatly needed later in adult life. (I'm an older sib, and I can tell you that older sibs do not kill their younger brothers and sisters.)

Also, it would be best for you and your husband to consult one another before making any decisions regarding your children's rewards or consequences. When one parent makes a decision alone that the other parent does not agree with, then one or the other is forced into the position of being the "bad guy."

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark

 

==> DO you and your spouse disagree on how and when to discipline your teenager? Click here for a bunch of suggestions...


==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

My Son Starts Fires

Mark,

My son starts fires. He recently decided to catch playing cards on fire and throw them under his bed. We could have had our house burnt to the ground. My husband wants to take him to a burn unit to show him what kind of damage can happen to the skin when burned. Does this sound like a good idea or not?

____________________

Not! Remember that defiant kids enjoy intensity. So a trip to the burn unit will not intimidate him, rather it will intrigue him.

Often times parents will attempt to "scare" their children into behaving properly. For example, parents may want their child to:

-- take a tour of juvenile detention
-- take a tour of adult jail or prison
-- go through the "scared straight" program (where kids go to an adult prison and get yelled at by a bunch of incarcerated convicts)
-- go to the local morgue to view the deceased, mangled body of someone who was not wearing his seat belt or who drove drunk

These are examples of "traditional" parenting strategies that make a bad problem worse.

Why? Because it provides a high level of intensity (i.e., interest, fascination) -- and defiant children love intensity.

Worse yet, exposure to such things de-sensitizes them, thus yielding the opposite effect from what the parent wanted to accomplish (i.e., rather than scaring the child, they have now raised the curiosity level in the child). Fear-based motivation has the opposite effect with defiant children.

So what should you do instead? In my Ebook, there is a chapter entitled “Anger Management” – and in that chapter there is a section entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid.” You’ll find a better parenting strategy there.


Here’s to a better home environment,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Son's Father Works Against Me

One of the members of Online Parent Support recently told me that her ex-husband is not on the same page with her regarding discipline. Sometimes he cooperates with her, other times he does his own thing -- which undermines her.

Her oldest son lives with his father, but visits her a couple times a week. The son does not like visiting mom, because mom has rules and dad does not (not many anyway). So here was my response:

----------

Good to hear from you A.,

I think I detect a bit of cooperation from your ex, although he does not like to be the "bad guy" and does not like to be put in the middle (i.e., between you and your son).

If you haven't already done so, please give you ex a copy of the ebook. Is he open to trying a few new things? If he will get on the same page with you, the two of you will have tremendous success with your eldest son.

However, if your husband "does his own thing" as far as discipline (or lack thereof), then we must revert back to the strategy I talked about in the last email (i.e., 'strategy' is about what you CAN control).

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

If your ex seems to always work against you (e.g., withdraw a discipline you have already imposed, blame you for the families problems, etc.), then I encourage you to cultivate the "art of letting go."

"Letting go" would look something like this:

-- Your ex has his rules; you have your rules

-- When your son is with dad, he can operate under dad's rules

-- When your son is at your residence, he must operate under your rules

-- If he does not like your rules, he can choose to (a) follow your rules anyway, or (b) leave your residence and go back to dad's

-- If your ex is working against you rather than with you, take no complaints from him regarding your son's behavior (e.g., You might say to your ex, "If you are having problems with our son while he is at your house, I cannot help you as long as you operate under a different set of rules than what I have.")

I think your ex needs to experience some painful emotions associated with his poor parenting choices. Use the strategies I discuss in the eBook on both your son and your ex.

Stay in touch,

Mark 

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents