We are really emotionally drained...

Hi E. & P.,

I’ve responded to your comments point by point below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

Mark, I just had a conversation with our daughter last evening as she is going out and telling everyone that we do not support her in her future endeavor in sports.

>>>>>>>>>>> I hear you saying that your daughter is mad because you are not on the same page with her regarding college (justifiably so).

We pay for everything she does with sports, she has been on national development teams, we go to every game, every tournament, and we tell her what a great game she played.

>>>>>>>>>>> You are paying for everything? What is she doing to “earn” these things?

She seems to put herself on a higher pedestal than what she actually has. She has been cutting, suicidal, etc.

>>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the section of the ebook on cutting.

She won't take her meds on a regular basis, but she is disappointed when we're not excited about her possibilities with college.

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, you have no control over whether or not she takes her meds. That’s her job, and the more responsibility you take for this (e.g., lecturing or nagging her to take her meds), the less responsibility she will take.

We are far too busy just trying to keep her alive and non-suicidal. I can't imagine her existing in a college environment when she has proven she has trouble existing in a high school one.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not trying to minimize here, but the “suicidal” kids I work with are not suicidal at all, they simply try to push everybody’s “worry buttons” as a manipulation. Again, I’m not saying to ignore her talk of suicide, but don’t let her use this as a weapon against you (i.e., a way for her to get her way).

What do we do at this point? My thought last evening was “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” We are really emotionally drained after the last two years as parents.

>>>>>>>>>> If you are emotionally drained, then you have taken on too much responsibility.

I think it is entirely possible that you have been over-protective (a form of over-indulgence). Your daughter will live up to – or down to – your expectations. For example, if you view her as helpless, unable, weak, incompetent, etc., she will live down to that expectation you have of her. Conversely, if you view her as a ‘work in progress’ and as someone who is going to do just fine in life in spite of her challenges, she will live up to that expectation.

You hit the nail on the head when you had the thought “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” Make this one little adjustment though: “here you go …we’re here for you when you need us …you can do it …I’ve got faith in you!”

Should she have a shot at college? Absolutely! What if she doesn’t make it? Then she will have learned a valuable lesson that will help her in her next venture.

Please keep me posted,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

Our 17-year-old son...

Hi M.,

I’ve responded to each of your points in turn below.

Please look for these arrows: >>>>>

Anyway, I would like to know if you could provide some guidance as to how to approach our current issues with our older 17-year-old son. He will be 18 in January. We have actually tried going to a psychologist last year with no real progress. To make matters worse he and his father do not have a good relationship because my son says he always picks on him. Actually, he has always tried to steer him in the right direction and on three previous occasions his father has been very supportive but obviously very upset with
his behaviour.

He has been living away from home since April with his girlfriend with several friends or girlfriends family with no positive outcomes. All have asked them to leave. They both have no jobs or money. They are involved in stealing whenever it is necessary. Both are using cannabis and alcohol. My son has actually physically abused girlfriend I am told.

She has as recent as 5 days ago gone back to New Zealand. My son is supposed to link up with her when he gets a passport. Girlfriend grandparents going to send money, which they are to pay back I am told.

>>>>>>>>>> The girlfriend’s grandparents will be financing their drug habit (bad idea to send money, and it will probably not get paid back -- but I’m sure you know this).

He is currently living with a friend’s family, mother and three other younger brothers. Family is well known to police. Not a good environment.

I have just visited him with my sister who came for support to tell him we miss and love him and that when he wants to change his circumstances he can call me at any time. Especially to have his finger looked at in the hospital, as he still has not gone back to have pins removed to allow movement. He said he would when he wants to.

>>>>>>>>> I think it’s appropriate to let your son know that the door is always open, but you have no control over how well -- or poorly -- he takes care of his body. Are you possibly taking on too much responsibility?

He was very angry and abusive. Called me every name under the sun and that if I cared I would pay for his fines. He has over $400 in traffic offences and $9,000 for damages caused in an accident in May.

>>>>>>>> I have to be blunt here. I can tell that he has been over-indulged. I hear you saying that he (a) is resentful, (b) has a sense of entitlement (i.e., “you owe me”), (c) is not taking responsibility for his obligations, and (d) has a strong appetite for more pampering – these are all signs of a child who has been over-indulged (I’m assuming you have read my views on this).

In any event, good for you!!! You have not (and you should not) enable him any further by taking responsibility for his obligations.

He seems to be extremely jealous of his brother and what he got. He now talks about his brother having a dirt bike and he didn't get one. He forgets he chose a car. He actually had two and smashed both up.

>>>>>>>>> This provides more evidence that he has been over-indulged.

He always tells me I have ruined his life and again I am doing this because I will not pay his debts and sign his passport papers. He can get passport in January without my permission. He also said if I do not help him to get to NZ to be with his girlfriend I will not see him any more.

>>>>>>>>>>> I’m sure this is not the first time he has tried to “guilt-trip” you into letting him have his way. He is trying to push your “worry buttons” – and is doing a very good job of it.

He does not look well and he has lost a lot of weight. I have actually gone to the police to advise them I am extremely concerned and that if he is involved in anything that I am available at any time for his support.

>>>>>>>>> O.K. Here’s the deal (and I know you wouldn’t want me to simply tell you what I think you want to hear) –

You son (a) is exhibiting Oppositional Defiant Disorder tendencies -- as well as Conduct Disorder tendencies, (b) is chemically dependent, and (b) is spoiled rotten. Does this make him a bad kid? No! Are you a bad parent? Of course not!!

He’s going to be 18 soon. He is already an adult. You are trying to hard Margrit. And the harder you work to help him, the worse it will get. You already have evidence of this.

I would ask you to get into the business of “letting go” (i.e., refuse to take responsibility for his poor choices). You are going to have to muster up some tough love here dear mom.

Tell him this: “You know I can't control you -- and if you really want to stay away from home and use drugs, I can't stop you. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why I have to ‘let go’ of trying to change you. The more I try to help you, the worse it gets. So I am going to focus my energy on the things I can control, and I’m going to stop spending time and energy on those things I cannot control. Again, I love you, and my door is always open. But you have to start helping yourself now – it’s your job from here on out.”

Here’s some hope: The less responsibility you take for him, the more he will take for himself. He may have to hit rock bottom first. You must allow him to experience the painful emotions associated with poor choices, otherwise you will drive yourself crazy – and you will have no energy left for your husband and younger son.

Tough assignment – I know! Trust me on this one though.

I want to leave you with the serenity prayer:

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can – and the wisdom to know the difference …amen.”

Please keep me posted,

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

How do I avoid that circle fight?

Hi K.,

I responded to each of your questions in turn below.

Please look for the arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>>>

I have done a first 'read through' your ebook. It is very good and I can see that it is going to be very helpful. But I have a few first thoughts about ideas that weren't expanded enough for me.

For example, in you session #3 assignment section you used an example of a child cleaning his room, however this is not an accurate example for me of how these conversations go.

In our home: The parent notices the room is still a mess, says your example.... then the child responds "what's the matter with my room, it looks clean enough to me?".... where does the parent go from here. Because although I have shown my son the standard repeatedly, chores ALWAYS end up in a fight for this very reason - he refuses to do the job properly then gets angry and demands to know what the matter with the job he's done. Initially I've tried to say things like... "what you've done so far is great... but...and then point out the areas that need improving or finishing... but then that leads to "I did it fine!" …and on and on it goes, until I'm hollering "just do it!"

So, how do I avoid that circle fight?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> There’s nothing to expand upon here really. Here’s the formula (albeit simple): Let your son decide when he will complete his required chore. When he thinks he’s done cleaning up his room, do a quick inspection. If the chore is not done properly, say, “Your chore is not completed. Take as much time as you need, but you may not leave until your room is done the way it’s suppose to be done.”

If he says, “What's the matter with my room, it looks clean enough to me,” then you put on your ‘poker face’ and sound like a broken record by re-stating “you may not leave until your room is done the way it’s suppose to be done.” ---Please refer to the section on “Anger Management” in the online version of the ebook.

The larger issue here seems to be that you are in a power struggle with your son over the ‘room cleaning’ business. Power struggles create frustration, anger and resentment on the part of the parent and the kid. Resentment causes a further breakdown of communication until it seems as if all you do is argue. An argument can only happen if there is more than one person. With just one person, it is simply a temper tantrum.

Don’t continually remind him of how the chore is to be completed -- he knows the drill. He can either choose to meet the expectations, or he can choose the consequence.

You cannot make him clean his room. He already knows how it’s supposed to be done, and it gets old trying to make him do it ‘right.’ But you can issue a consequence for not meeting your expectations (e.g., he can’t leave until it’s done right, no TV tonight, no phone privileges, etc.).

Also you talked about lying, which is a very serious problem with our son. You listed a bunch of reasons why a child lies, one that you didn't list seems to be one that we deal with a lot...our child lies so that he can break the rules. He lies about what movies he's going to see, whether parents will be home, who will be present, what they'll be doing, etc... Because we check up on him, he gets caught and privileges are revoked, but it doesn't stop him from using the same lies over and over again.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I mentioned that one of the reasons kids lie is to “control the situation” …I see this as the same thing as lying to “break the rules.”

Again, you cannot stop him from lying, but you can issue a consequence for lying. Then it’s up to him whether or not to lie again. If you issue the consequence in a way that doesn’t accidentally reward him for lying, it shouldn’t be an ongoing issue. If you are providing a lot of intensity when he lies, he will continue to seek that intensity by lying again, and again. ---Please refer to the section on ‘intensity’ here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/energetic

And lastly. Our son's biological mom has Bi-Polar Disorder and a Conduct Disorder, the two of them have paired up to break our rules. She learns the rule, she breaks the rule when they're together and he goes along with it. Our son is 16, so we have no legal ability to intervene in their relationship. Do you have any strategies that might be helpful in dealing with that type of situation, because even if we can effectively discipline him, we still have to deal with her, and we can't discipline her?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’m starting to sound like a broken record here: You’re right -- you have no control over his bio-mom. But guess what? You have no control over your son either!! But you CAN control the things your son enjoys (e.g., phone, television, toys, games, freedom for activities, junk food, toiletries, favorite cloths, bedroom doors, furniture, etc).

He will NEVER work for what YOU want, but he WILL work for what HE wants. By controlling the things he wants, you will eventually motivate him to change unwanted behaviors. Focus on controlling his stuff and freedom rather than focusing in trying to control him. ---Please refer to the section on self-reliance here: http://www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/rely

I just have to say thank you so much for making yourself available for help. You have no idea what a blessing it is to be able to talk to someone who can help, and who knows what we're going through.

God Bless You!

K.M.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> Thank you. I hope that this clarifies a few things. Please stay in touch.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com