HELP FOR PARENTS WITH STRONG-WILLED, OUT-OF-CONTROL CHILDREN AND ADOLESCENTS
Education and Counseling for Individuals Affected by Oppositional Defiant Disorder and ADHD
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We are really emotionally drained...
Hi E. & P.,
I’ve responded to your comments point by point below. Please look for these arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>
Mark, I just had a conversation with our daughter last evening as she is going out and telling everyone that we do not support her in her future endeavor in sports.
>>>>>>>>>>> I hear you saying that your daughter is mad because you are not on the same page with her regarding college (justifiably so).
We pay for everything she does with sports, she has been on national development teams, we go to every game, every tournament, and we tell her what a great game she played.
>>>>>>>>>>> You are paying for everything? What is she doing to “earn” these things?
She seems to put herself on a higher pedestal than what she actually has. She has been cutting, suicidal, etc.
>>>>>>>>>>> Please refer to the section of the ebook on cutting.
She won't take her meds on a regular basis, but she is disappointed when we're not excited about her possibilities with college.
>>>>>>>>>>>>> Unfortunately, you have no control over whether or not she takes her meds. That’s her job, and the more responsibility you take for this (e.g., lecturing or nagging her to take her meds), the less responsibility she will take.
We are far too busy just trying to keep her alive and non-suicidal. I can't imagine her existing in a college environment when she has proven she has trouble existing in a high school one.
>>>>>>>>>>> I’m not trying to minimize here, but the “suicidal” kids I work with are not suicidal at all, they simply try to push everybody’s “worry buttons” as a manipulation. Again, I’m not saying to ignore her talk of suicide, but don’t let her use this as a weapon against you (i.e., a way for her to get her way).
What do we do at this point? My thought last evening was “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” We are really emotionally drained after the last two years as parents.
>>>>>>>>>> If you are emotionally drained, then you have taken on too much responsibility.
I think it is entirely possible that you have been over-protective (a form of over-indulgence).Your daughter will live up to – or down to – your expectations. For example, if you view her as helpless, unable, weak, incompetent, etc., she will live down to that expectation you have of her. Conversely, if you view her as a ‘work in progress’ and as someone who is going to do just fine in life in spite of her challenges, she will live up to that expectation.
You hit the nail on the head when you had the thought “here you go …you’re on your own …sink or swim.” Make this one little adjustment though: “here you go …we’re here for you when you need us …you can do it …I’ve got faith in you!”
Should she have a shot at college? Absolutely! What if she doesn’t make it? Then she will have learned a valuable lesson that will help her in her next venture.