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I’m so sick and tired of all these fights...

Hello Mark,

I was on the chat site and with our time difference here in Australia, it’s hard to be there I guess when you’re on. Like I mentioned in chat, I have a 22 year old & an 18-year-old daughter and a 44-year-old husband, am 43. My 22 year old daughter for the last four months has been giving me grief, disrespecting me, showing me no respect in the way she speaks to me, she yells at me and uses foul language with me. We just don’t seem to get on at all, if we sit down and have a conversation, it all ends up in argument with her telling me its none of my business in what she does and where she goes. She has started hanging around with this girl from work, and since she, has my daughter has changed dramatically in her mood swings, she says I irritate her and she cant stand to be around me. She is always going away with this girl on weekends, and since she has met her, she has even now broken up with her boyfriend of just over a year, where they were talking bout getting married earlier on.

I have even accused my daughter if she is taking drugs, and we have gone to the doctors together to get a blood test, and it came up as negative. When she was young, my husband and I had a lot of problems, and we tried not to fight in front of the kids, but my husband can be a verbally abusive man and at one point was quite physically abusive towards me and sometimes not often to the older daughter, which I tried to stop and would hit him back. We have gone passed that stage a lot time ago and we got help for it, but now my older daughter says it has caught up with her and I guess in a way maybe she is punishing me for it.

Am so worried about her at the moment and feel that this girl that she is hanging around with has some kind of hold on her and I get this bad gut feeling, that maybe its just more then a friendship thing more of a relationship between the two of them. Usually she brings her other girlfriends at home but cause I told her earlier on, that there is something I don’t like about this girl, she is constantly hanging around with her, (she is 23) I’ve asked my daughter if this girl is a lesbian and she doesn’t say much she goes quiet, and I’ve asked my daughter if there is something going on between the two, she says what do you mean.

My husband in a heat of an argument accused my daughter that this girl is now her lover, she went absolutely spastic, and started calling my husband a pervert and a weirdo. I’m so sick and tired of all these fights and the disrespect that she is showing me for the last 4 months, am at the end of my rope at the moment, our house is a constant battle field every time we try to speak to my daughter and question her.


Hi B.,

With all due respect dear mom, your daughter is an adult now and is capable of making her own decisions. I get the feeling that you are over-protecting her (which is the opposite of fostering the development of self-reliance). 

Is she still living at home?! If so, how much rent does she pay per month, and when will she be moving out? Is she attending college and working at least part-time?

You and your husband may have inadvertently set-up a Romeo & Juliette phenomenon (i.e., you’ve tried hard to discourage that relationship, and as a result the two have bonded more tightly).

I would let her spend time with her girlfriend, however let her know that she could still contact a sexually transmitted disease if she has unprotected sex. 

I am not condoning sexual activity at her age, but I am saying that your best efforts will not pull those two apart – in fact it may have the opposite effect of strengthening the relationship.

Also one thing that strikes me with this situation is the lack of openness your daughter has with you to come out and talk to you on this sensitive issue. Sounds like trust is broken and resentment is setting in.

Please review the Anger Management section of the online version of the ebook.

Time to (a) let go and (b) promote the development of self-reliance in your daughter.

Don’t let your daughter steal your joy. You did a great job of raising her in spite of her opinion about it.


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