How To Get Teenagers To Study

"How do I get my teenage son (rather defiant) to study?"

Here's some pointers:

1. Don't do the assignments yourself. It's not your homework—it's your child's.

2. Help your child to make a schedule and put it in a place where you'll see it often. Writing out assignments will get him used to the idea of keeping track of what's due and when.

3. Provide a book bag or backpack for your child to carry homework to and from school.

4. Provide homework folders in which your child can tuck his assignments for safekeeping. This will help him to stay organized.

5. Help your child manage time to complete assignments. For example, if your eighth grader has a biology report due in three weeks, discuss all the steps she needs to take to complete it on time, including:

• selecting a topic
• doing the research by looking up books and other materials on the topic and taking notes
• figuring out what questions to discuss
• drafting an outline
• writing a rough draft
• revising and completing the final draft

Also, encourage your child to make a chart that shows how much time she expects to spend on each step.

6. Help your child to get started when he has to do research reports or other big assignments.

7. Encourage him to use the library. If he isn't sure where to begin, tell him to ask the librarian for suggestions.

8. Give practice tests.

9. Help your child avoid last-minute cramming.

10. Talk with your child about how to take a test (e.g., read the instructions carefully, keep track of the time, avoid spending too much time on any one question).

11. Watch for frustration. If your child shows signs of frustration, let him take a break. Encourage him and let him see that you know he can do the work.

12. Give praise. People of all ages respond to praise. And children need encouragement from the people whose opinions they value most—their families. "Good first draft of your book report!" or "You've done a great job" can go a long way toward motivating your child to complete assignments.

Children also need to know when they haven't done their best work. Make criticism constructive, however. Instead of telling a ninth grader, "You aren't going to hand in that mess, are you?" say, "The teacher will understand your ideas better if you use your best handwriting." Then give praise when the child finishes a neat version.

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Oppositional, Defiant Teens

16-year-old mom in a 35-year-old body...

Mark,

Thank you for your support on the children. I am one who purchased your book for my sister-in-law who has an OOCT to say the least. I have tried to support her, but avoid family feud and need some help. If I need to purchase another book/license, that will be fine with me since it is 2 users you are supporting.

My sister-in-law's daughter will be 17 in November. She’s lower on developmental and social areas and quit school 3 years ago due to nobody being able to deal with her. Her mother (R) took her out of school and stated she would Home-school her, which never happened since her daughter will just not do anything. R has to work and some of us have tried to help her out such as my other sister-in-law trying to work with her on Home school material (when it was finally purchased after a year). I enrolled her (with teens & R's agreement) in a Kumon program, and my mother-in-law has tried too. What happens? Every time it seems to start working the teen goes into a fit of how someone spoke to her, or treated her wrong, etc., and R comes to her rescue and let's the family member (or non-member) have it and creates a larges chaos and family feud, so we all just back up.

We just had another one last week. R has been reading your book and been applying it -- it seems like she was starting to have success. My daughter went to their home to borrow a movie. R had previously stated that was fine. R was not home, but her other daughter said that is fine, just find one, my daughter did and the Teen just stuck her head out from the back with the look but my daughter (who was with a friend who verified her story) just ignored it and said HI. She got the movie, came home and 5 min later the teen called, asking my husband to speak to our daughter, when she got on the phone, the Teen just went off on her, questioning which movie she got and stating she is not to get a movie when her mother was not there and on and on. My daughter tried to tell her that she had discussed it with R and that was fine, no listening to this, the teen just kept fuming and screaming and yelling at her. My daughter just finally told her she did not have to listen to her and hung up on her. My husband was there and he verified that our daughter (who was a challenge when she came to live with us 5 years ago) did not scream, yell or act inappropriately.

The next morning R (his sister) caught him in church and told him that his daughter should mind her own business, her behavior was not all that and he told her that he was right there and our daughter did not act inappropriate. R would not hear of it and just went on about our daughter's behavior and he stated again that she was not out of line so R brought up times we were not around how she acted and my husband told her that we were not discussing any other times which we have not even heard about but the previous evening's occurrence. R would not accept that and stormed out of church, stating she would take her children somewhere else to church.

R finally did come back midweek service but 1/2 way through it, when the teens were asked to come up and sing and our daughter would not sing until my husband called her on it, she waited until they were done singing and left the service. This is a normal process, things seem to go good and R will 'support her daughter' and all chaos breaks lose. What is the issue here?

I have learned over the years to keep myself from the family, R and her mother always defend the teen and lose their cool and whenever they feel like it, the may even apologize and things are to be fine again. I know this is family but what I am wondering is why would the mother jeopardize all that was going good by 'throwing a fit' as she is trying to break her teen off?

Does all that make sense? If so, could you explain this to me please.

Thank you very much,

E. I.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Hi E.,

I run into situations similar to this one when I work with families. There are some occasions when the “mother” [who I thought was an adult] is actually more like a teenager (i.e., chronologically she is, say, 35-years-old, but emotionally she is about 16-years-old).

As you may have read in my eBook, children who are over-indulged do not develop emotionally until parents set limits and issue consequences for poor choices. In the case of R., I would venture to guess that she was over-indulged as a child (e.g., had few rules, was able to bulldoze over her parent, got her way a lot, etc.) as evidence by her temper tantrums that you have described.

Thus, in dealing with her, you would do well to employ the same strategies outlined in the ebook with her (e.g., setting limits, wearing a poker face, refusing to argue, etc.).

Most likely, the harder you try to help, the worse it will get. You may be taking on too much responsibility for R.

Stay in touch,

Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

=====================================================================================

"My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook is the #1 best selling parenting ebook in ClickBank.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com is ranked #1 in MSN and #2 in Yahoo for parenting "out of control" teens.

Stress-Relief for Stressed-Out Moms

 ==> www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com - Discipline that works for defiant teens!

Son with ODD

Hi A.,

I’ve made some comments below. Please look for the arrows: >>>>>>>>>>>

I have a 14 year old son with ODD. I need advice on step one of lesson one of your parenting program (apologizing, preparing him for change). I have tried this approach with him in the past. It causes him to go into an all out episode that tends to last for a month. He feels it gives him permission to blame everything on us.

>>>>>>>>>>> Just omit the apology part. Include all the rest, because he deserves to know that some parenting changes are coming; he needs a “heads-up” on this.

He says were just lying because he knows that we don't believe what we're saying, even though HE knows we ARE to blame. It does not get him to admit that he is even part of the problem. And like I stated, this goes on for about a month.

>>>>>>>>>> The strategy does not include ‘getting him to admit his part.’

So, my questions are: 1. Is it really necessary to apologize again, even though I have done so in the past with no success?

>>>>>>>>>> No.

If so, must the apology come first, or can I first state that things will be changing?

>>>>>>>>>>> See above.

2. Can I reword the apology and warning of upcoming change?

>>>>>>>>>>>>> Absolutely.

He can spot someone else’s words a mile away.

3. Can I deliver this info a little at a time?

>>>>>>>>>>> Preferably, just state that change is coming, and that you will give him time to adjust to the changes. Just keep it simple.

It does not work well to tell him too many things at once. 4. Is there a best time to start this whole process?

>>>>>>>>>>> The best time is now.

He has been in an elevated defiant mood for a week or more. Would it be best to wait until he is in a less defiant mood, or is this the opportune time?

>>>>>>>>>>>I don’t think it really matters.

I also need your advice on another aspect of his behavior. We have an 11 year old son who is the target of his brother's "attention." The older son's mission in life is to mentally torment his little brother. The more we punish the older one, the more he torments the younger one. My younger son is on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. Sending the younger one out to play is not an option as there are no other children in our neighborhood for him to play with. I've had him try calling friends to see if he can go to their houses to play, but all his friends have parents that both work and are not allowed to have friends over while the parents aren't home. We have no relatives in the area whose house we could send him to. We live in a small house and the boys share a bedroom, so my younger son doesn't even have a place of his own that he can go to escape.

Sometimes (if my husband isn't on night-shift and therefore is not sleeping), I send the younger boy to my bedroom to escape. But that usually results in me having to physically restrain the older one from going in after him. If I try to send the older one to his room, he simply refuses. The older boy does not have a stereo, MP3 player, T.V., or other "toys" that can be taken from him as punishment. He rarely plays video games, uses the computer, or the phone, so there's really nothing to take away there. It seems that his only form of recreation is in tormenting his brother.

Any suggestions?

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> I’ll refer you to the ebook that details the strategy to use here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/am

>>>>>>>>>The above link is to the Anger Management Chapter (refer to “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).


Thank you for your time.
Amy

>>>>>>>>>>>>> If you have further questions, just float me another email.

Mark

Are we doing the right thing?

My 16 yr old daughter rec'd F's and we are not allowing her to get her drivers license until her grades are c or better. Are we doing the right thing?

_________________

Hi L.,

Re: poor academic performance, please go to www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/q-a and read this email from a parent: "My son brings home straight F's on his report cards. I ground him for the entire grading period, but he continues to fail in nearly all subjects. I know my son is a bright kid and can do the work when he wants to. What can I do to motivate him?" -- B. R.

Re: withholding her driver’s license, please review the following page: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com/rely

Given that we as parents want to (a) get out of the business of playing teacher, dean, vice-principal, etc., and (b) foster the development of self-reliance, the answer to your question is “no” – parents are not doing the right thing by not allowing a teenager to get her driver’s license.

Whenever you are undecided about what to do, always ask yourself, “Is the decision I’m about to make going to foster the development of self-reliance or inhibit it. If your decision will foster the development, then go with it. If not, then don’t.

Not allowing her to get her driver’s license will inhibit, to some degree, the development of self-reliance.

Mark

How do you know when it is over the top?

My wife and I have a 16-year-old daughter that we "discovered" was sneaking out of the house at night, partying etc. Once we confronted her, she and a neighbor girl ran away for about a day and a half. Since then she has been to 6-8 counseling sessions with no immediate results. We found you site and put your suggestions into practice now for about two weeks. She became very angry at first, but as privileges were taken away, she backed down some. My question is how do you know when it is over the top? If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police? We are just wondering what to do if it ever escalates to that level again. Ironically she is a very good student 3.7 GPA despite sneaking out a couple times a week on weeknight.

_________

>>>>>>>>>>>How do you know when it is over the top?

Well …make sure you are not grounding or taking away privileges for too long – more on this here: www.myoutofcontrolteen.com (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid”).

>>>>>>>>>>>If she threatens to run away again do we immediately call the police?

Well first of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you live somewhere else."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When your teen comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.


Mark
www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com