Why two names?

Thank you. One more thing. I've gotta ask - is your name Mark Hutten or Mark Huttenlocker. Which one, and why two names?

That makes me a little nervous.

Thanks.

_______________________________________________________


Actually, my name is Mark Hutten-Locker, but this name seems to confuse everybody. So in an attempt to make my life a bit easier, I chop off the "Locker" part (except in those cases where my full name is needed, of course). Hope this isn't too confusing. Please just call me Mark Hutten. Thanks!

Mark Hutten

How do I encourage some conversation in our home?

Mark,

I continue to use your strategies from the online book. We continue to have fewer and less intense discussions with our son. In fact, they happen very rarely now.

The issue we still struggle with is getting him to open up and communicate with us. An example, last night he worked. Typically his shift is from 4 pm to ~ 9 pm. He came home ~8:30. After saying hello, I asked "I'm surprised to see you this early. Weren't you busy tonight?" His reply was a one-word answer, "No". I do realize that I didn't form the question the correct way and I allowed him the option of a one-word answer. But in trying to keep the conversation going, all I got were grunts and more one-word answers.

Mark, on a typical day, if we hear 50 words from him we are lucky. There is very little conversation at the dinner table when we eat together and like last night, many of the conversations end with me running out of things to talk about and him going on his way to something he wants to do.

How do I encourage some conversation in our home? He has never been much of a talker, even before all of the behavior problems started.

G.W.

_______________________________________________________________________________


I don't think you have a problem here. He's not much of a conversationalist, but that's o.k.

I wouldn't try to squeeze words out of him. Don't assume that "few words" = "hidden problems."

Try to match to him. In other words, keep conversations short on your end too. In this way, you will (a) send a message that you are indeed interested in what is going on in his life, and (b) avoid giving him the impression that he is not divulging enough information.

It sounds like he simply does not need a lot of "parent time." I wouldn't take this personally.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

YOUR CHILD'S ACADEMIC SUCCESS

Show That You Think Education and Homework Are Important
Children need to know that their family members think homework is important. If they know their families care, children have a good reason to complete assignments and to turn them in on time. You can do many things to show that your child that you value education and homework.

Set a Regular Time for Homework
Having a regular time to do homework helps children to finish assignments. The best schedule is one that works for your child and your family. What works well in one household may not work in another. Of course, a good schedule depends in part on your child's age as well as her specific needs. For instance, one child may do homework best in the afternoon, completing homework first or after an hour of play and another may do it best after dinner. However, don't let your child leave homework to do just before bedtime.

Your child's outside activities, such as sports or music lessons, may mean that you need a flexible homework schedule. Your child may study after school on some days and after dinner on others. If there isn't enough time to finish homework, your child may need to drop some outside activity. Let her know that homework is a high priority.

You'll need to work with your elementary school child to develop a schedule. An older student can probably make up a schedule independently, although you'll want to make sure that it's a workable one. You may find it helpful to write out his schedule and put it in a place where you'll see it often, such as on the refrigerator door.

Some families have a required amount of time that their children must devote to homework or some other learning activities each school night (the length of time can vary depending upon the child's age). For instance, if your seventh grader knows she's expected to spend an hour doing homework, reading or visiting the library, she may be less likely to rush through assignments so that she can watch TV. A required amount of time may also discourage her from "forgetting" to bring home assignments and help her adjust to a routine.

Pick a Place
Your child's homework area doesn't have to be fancy. A desk in the bedroom is nice, but for many children, the kitchen table or a corner of the living room works just fine. The area should have good lighting and it should be fairly quiet. Your child may enjoy decorating a special area for homework. A plant, a brightly colored container to hold pencils and some favorite artwork taped to the walls can make homework time more pleasant.

Remove Distractions
Turn off the TV and discourage your child from making and receiving social telephone calls during homework time. (A call to a classmate about an assignment, however, may be helpful.)

Some children work well with quiet background music, but loud noise from the CD player, radio or TV is not OK. One history teacher laments, "I've actually had a kid turn in an assignment that had written in the middle, 'And George Washington said, "Ohhhhh, I love you."' The kid was so plugged into the music that he wasn't concentrating."

If you live in a small or noisy household, try having all family members take part in a quiet activity during homework time. You may need to take a noisy toddler outside or into another room to play. If distractions can't be avoided, your child may want to complete assignments in the local library.

Provide Supplies and Identify Resources
Have available pencils, pens, erasers, writing paper and a dictionary. Other supplies that might be helpful include a stapler, paper clips, maps, a calculator, a pencil sharpener, tape, glue, paste, scissors, a ruler, a calculator, index cards, a thesaurus and an almanac. If possible, keep these items together in one place. If you can't provide your child with needed supplies, check with her teacher, school guidance counselor or principal about possible sources of assistance.

For books and other information resources, such as suitable computer Web sites, check with the school library or your local public library. Some libraries have homework centers designed especially to assist children with school assignments (they may even have tutors and other kinds of individual assistance).

You may want to ask your child's teacher to explain school policy about the use of computers for homework. Certainly, computers are great learning and homework tools. Your child can use her computer not only for writing reports and for getting information through Internet resource sites, but for "talking" with teachers and classmates about assignments.

In many schools, teachers post information about homework assignments and class work on their own Web sites, which also may have an electronic bulletin board on which students can post questions for the teacher and others to answer. (For more information about using the Internet, see the U.S. Department of Education's booklet, Parents' Guide to the Internet, listed in the Resources section, page .) However, you don't have to have a computer in your home for your child to complete homework assignments successfully. Some schools may offer after-school programs that allow your child to use the school computers. And many public libraries make computers available to children.

Set a Good Example
Show your child that the skills he is learning are an important part of the things he will do as an adult. Let him see you reading books, newspapers and computer screens; writing reports, letters, e-mails and lists; using math to balance your checkbook or to measure for new carpeting; doing other things that require thought and effort. Tell your child about what you do at work.

Help your child to use everyday routines to support the skills he is learning-for example, teach him to play word and math games; help him to look up information about things in which he is interested-singers, athletes, cars, space travel and so forth; and talk with him about what he sees and hears as the two of you walk through the neighborhood, go shopping at the mall or visit a zoo or museum.

Be Interested and Interesting
Make time to take your child to the library to check out materials needed for homework (and for enjoyment) and read with your child as often as you can. Talk about school and learning activities in family conversations. Ask your child what was discussed in class that day. If she doesn't have much to say, try another approach. For example, ask her to read aloud a story she wrote or to talk about what she found out from a science experiment.

Attend school activities, such as parent-teacher conferences, plays, concerts, open houses and sports events. If you can, volunteer to help in your child's classroom or at special events. Getting to know some of your child's classmates and their parents builds a support network for you and your child. It also shows your child that his home and school are a team.

Monitor Assignments
Children are more likely to complete homework successfully when parents monitor their assignments. How closely you need to monitor your child depends upon her age, how independent she is and how well she does in school. Whatever the age of your child, if she is not getting assignments done satisfactorily, she requires more supervision.

Here are some ways to monitor your child's assignments:

Ask about the School's Homework Policy
At the start of the school year, ask your child's teacher about any rules or guidelines that children are expected to follow as they complete homework. Ask about the kinds of assignments that will be given and the purposes for the assignments.

Talk with the teacher about your role in helping with homework. Expectations for parent involvement vary from teacher to teacher. Some teachers want parents to monitor homework closely, whereas others want them simply to check to make sure the assignment is completed on time. Ask the teacher to call if any problems with homework come up. Let her know that you will do the same.

Be Available
Many elementary school students often like to have someone with them to answer questions as they work on assignments. If your child is cared for by someone else, talk to that caregiver about how to deal with homework. For an older child, if no one will be around, let him know when you want him to begin work and call to remind him if necessary.

However, if the teacher has made it known that students are to do homework on their own, limit your assistance to your child to assuring that assignments are clear and that necessary supplies are provided. Too much parent involvement can make children dependent-and takes away from the value of homework as a way for children to become independent and responsible.

Look over Completed Assignments
It's usually a good idea to check to see that your elementary school child has finished her assignments. If your middle-school student is having trouble finishing assignments, check his work, too. After the teacher returns completed homework, read the comments to see if your child has done the assignment satisfactorily.

Monitor Time Spent Viewing TV and Playing Video Games
American children on average spend far more time watching TV or playing video games than they do completing homework. In many homes, more homework gets done when TV viewing and "game" time is limited.

Once you and your child have worked out a homework schedule, take time to discuss how much TV and what programs she can watch. It's worth noting that television can be a learning tool. Look for programs that relate to what your child is studying in school, such as programs on history or science or dramatizations of children's literature. When you can, watch shows with your child, discuss them and encourage follow-up activities such as reading or a trip to the museum.

Likewise, limit the amount of time your child spends playing video games. As with TV programs, be aware of the games she likes to play and discuss her choices with her.

Provide Guidance
The basic rule is, "Don't do the assignments yourself." It's not your homework—it's your child's. "I've had kids hand in homework that's in their parents' handwriting," one eighth-grade teacher complains. Doing assignments for your child won't help him understand and use information. And it won't help him become confident in his own abilities.

Here are some ways that you can provide guidance without taking over your child's homework:

Help Your Child Get Organized
Help your child to make a schedule and put it in a place where you'll see it often. Writing out assignments will get him used to the idea of keeping track of what's due and when. If your child is not yet able to write, write it for him until he can do it himself.

A book bag or backpack will make it easier for your child to carry homework to and from school. Providing homework folders in which your child can tuck his assignments for safekeeping also can help him to stay organized.

Encourage Good Study Habits
Teachers generally give students tips on how to study. But it takes time and practice to develop good study habits. To reinforce good habits at home, you can:

· Help your child manage time to complete assignments. For example, if your eighth grader has a biology report due in three weeks, discuss all the steps she needs to take to complete it on time, including:

1. selecting a topic;

2. doing the research by looking up books and other materials on the topic and taking notes;

3. figuring out what questions to discuss;

4. drafting an outline;

5. writing a rough draft; and

6. revising and completing the final draft.

Encourage your child to make a chart that shows how much time she expects to spend on each step.

· Help your child to get started when he has to do research reports or other big assignments. Encourage him to use the library. If he isn't sure where to begin, tell him to ask the librarian for suggestions. If he's using a computer for online reference resources—-whether the computer is at home, school or the library—make sure he's getting whatever help he needs to use it properly and to find age-appropriate Web sites. Many public libraries have homework centers with tutors or other kinds of one-on-one assistance. After your child has completed the research, listen as he tells you the points he wants to make in the report.

· Give practice tests. Help your third grader prepare for a spelling test by saying the words as she writes them. Have her correct her own test as you spell each word.

· Help your child avoid last-minute cramming. Review with your fifth grader how and what to study for his social studies test long before it's to be given. You can have him work out a schedule of what he needs to do to, make up a practice test and write down answers to the questions he's made up.

· Talk with your child about how to take a test. Be sure she understands how important it is to read the instructions carefully, to keep track of the time and to avoid spending too much time on any one question. (See the Resources section for the titles of books and pamphlets that give more tips on how your child can get organized and develop good study habits.)

Talk about the Assignments
Talking and asking questions can help your child to think through an assignment and break it down into small, manageable parts. Here are some questions to ask.

· Do you understand what you're supposed to do? After your child has read the instructions, ask her to tell you in her own words what the assignment is about. (If she can't read yet, the teacher may have sent home instructions that you can read to her.) Some schools have homework hotlines that you can call or Web sites that you can access by computer for assignments in case your child misplaced a paper or was absent on the day it was given. If your child doesn't understand the instructions, read them with her and talk about the assignment. Does it have words that she doesn't know? How can she find out what the words mean? If neither you nor your child understands an assignment, call one of her classmates or get in touch with the teacher.

· Do you need help in understanding how to do this assignment? See if your child needs to learn more, for example, about subtracting fractions before she can do her assignment. Or find out if the teacher needs to explain to her again when to use different kinds of punctuation marks. If you understand the subject yourself, you may want to work through some examples with your child. However, always let her do the assignment herself.

· Do you have everything you need to do the assignment? Sometimes your child needs special supplies, such as colored pencils, metric rulers, calculators, maps or reference books. Check with the teacher, school guidance counselor or principal for possible sources of assistance if you can't provide the needed supplies. Check with your local library or school library for books and other information resources.

· Does your answer make sense to you? To check that your child understands what he is doing, ask him to explain how he solved a math problem or have him summarize what he has written in a report.

Watch for Frustration
If your child shows signs of frustration, let him take a break. Encourage him and let him see that you know he can do the work.

Give Praise
People of all ages respond to praise. And children need encouragement from the people whose opinions they value most—their families. "Good first draft of your book report!" or "You've done a great job" can go a long way toward motivating your child to complete assignments.

Children also need to know when they haven't done their best work. Make criticism constructive, however. Instead of telling a sixth grader, "You aren't going to hand in that mess, are you?" say, "The teacher will understand your ideas better if you use your best handwriting." Then give praise when the child finishes a neat version.

Talk with Teachers to Resolve Problems
Homework problems often can be avoided when families and caregivers value, monitor and guide their children's work on assignments. Sometimes, however, helping in these ways is not enough. If you have problems, here are some suggestions for how to deal with them.

Tell the Teacher about Your Concerns
You may want to contact the teacher if

· your child refuses to do her assignments, even though you've tried hard to get her to do them;

· the instructions are unclear;

· you can't seem to help your child get organized to finish the assignments;

· you can't provide needed supplies or materials;

· neither you nor your child can understand the purpose of the assignments;

· the assignments are too hard or too easy;

· the homework is assigned in uneven amounts—for instance, no homework is given on Monday, Tuesday or Wednesday, but on Thursday four assignments are made that are due the next day; or

· your child has missed school and needs to make up assignments.
In some cases, the school guidance counselor or principal also may be helpful in resolving problems.

Work with the Teacher
Continuing communication with teachers is very important in solving homework problems. As you work with your child's teacher, here are some important things to remember:

· Talk with each of your child's teachers early in the school year. Get acquainted before problems arise and let each teacher know that you want to be kept informed. Most elementary and middle schools hold regular parent-teacher conferences or open houses. If your child's school doesn't provide such opportunities, call the teacher to set up a meeting.

· Contact the teacher as soon as you suspect your child has a homework problem (as well as when you think he's having any major problems with his schoolwork). Schools have a responsibility to keep you informed about your child's performance and behavior and you have a right to be upset if you don't find out until report-card time that your child is having difficulties. On the other hand, you may figure out that a problem exists before the teacher does. By alerting the teacher, you can work together to solve a problem in its early stages.

· Request a meeting with the teacher to discuss homework problems. Tell him briefly why you want to meet. You might say, "Rachel is having trouble with her math homework. I'm worried about why she can't finish the problems and what we might do to help her." If English is your second language, you may need to make special arrangements, such as including in the meeting someone who is bilingual.

· Approach the teacher with a cooperative spirit. Believe that the teacher wants to help you and your child, even if you disagree about something. Don't go to the principal without giving the teacher a chance to work out the problem with you and your child.

· Let the teacher know whether your child finds the assignments too hard or too easy. (Teachers also like to know when their students are particularly excited about an assignment.) Of course, not all homework assignments can be expected to interest your child and be perfectly suited to her. Teachers just don't have time to tailor homework to the individual needs of each student. However, most teachers want to assign homework that their students can complete successfully and they welcome feedback.

Many teachers structure homework so that a wide range of students will find assignments interesting. For example:

—They offer students options for different approaches to the same topic or lesson;
—They give extra assignments to students who want more challenge; and
—They give specialized assignments to students who are having trouble in a particular area.

· During your meeting with the teacher, explain what you think is going on. In addition, tell the teacher if you don't know what the problem is. Sometimes a student's version of what's going on isn't the same as the teacher's version. For example, your child may tell you that the teacher never explains assignments so that he can understand them. But the teacher may tell you that your child isn't paying attention when assignments are given.

· Work out a way to solve or lessen the problem. The strategy will depend on what the problem is, how severe it is and what the needs of your child are. For instance:

o Is the homework often too hard? Maybe your child has fallen behind and will need extra help from the teacher or a tutor to catch up.

o Does your child need to make up a lot of work because of absences? The first step might be working out a schedule with the teacher.

o Does your child need extra support beyond what home and school can give her? Ask the teacher, school guidance counselor or principal if there are mentor programs in your community. Mentor programs pair a child with an adult volunteer who assists with the child's special needs. Many schools, universities, community organizations, churches and businesses offer excellent mentoring programs.

· Make sure that communication is clear. Listen to the teacher and don't leave until you're sure that you understand what's being said. Make sure, too, that the teacher understands what you have to say. If, after the meeting, you realize you don't understand something, call the teacher to clarify.

At the end of the meeting, it may help to summarize what you've agreed to do:

"OK, so to keep track of Kim's assignments, I'll check her assignment book each night and write my initials beside new assignments. Each day you'll check to make sure she's written down all new assignments in her book. That way we'll be certain that I know what her assignments are."

· Follow up to make sure that the approach you agreed to is working. If the teacher told you, for example, that your child needs to spend more time practicing long division, check back in a month to talk about your child's progress.

Homework can bring together children, families and teachers in a common effort to improve children's learning.

Helping your child with homework is an opportunity to improve your child's chances of doing well in school and life. By helping your child with homework, you can help him learn important lessons about discipline and responsibility. You can open up lines of communication—between you and your child and you and the school. You are in a unique position to help your child make connections between school work and the "real world," and thereby bring meaning (and some enjoyment) to your child's homework experience.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

27 year-old twins are still behaving like rebellious teenagers...

We have a crisis on our hands. We have twin daughters who are 27 years old who are still behaving like rebellious teenagers....which is why I got your ebook on teenage problems...because that is how they have been behaving for some time now. Even years we think.

We want these girls to move out of our home by 1st March. They are not paying us rent ....they are not helping with anything around the house. We live on a dairy farm and they say because they were born here and they love the place. They just want to stay here and feed a horse, a dog, and 3 cats.

Just lately they have been taking away belongings of theirs and selling them. We are starting to think they even may be taking some of our things but cannot be sure. They both have an applied science degree - one has it in Landscape Management ...the other has it in Resource Management. So they are not inarticulate by any means and have been given opportunities.

One has spent over a year overseas in Britain - the other had not earnt enough to go. Looking back perhaps we should have lent C_______ the money to go on an overseas working holiday with her sister as things have not been that good since N____ returned from overseas in June 2004… having spent about 18 months away from her identical sister.

Christine did not ask us for money at the time .....did not appear interested. Although she was always happy for her sister and seemed to relive the traveling as her sister relayed it to her by phone. Back in about September last year we invited local policeman to come and have a chat with them – this has not worked and they just treat the law and the justice system with no respect. We served a trespass notice on them - they ignored this. We locked them out, but they just set up camp on the farm.

We have offered them help to set themselves up in a flat ...offering to pay rent and bond for first month help them shift etc. They refuse to talk about it, walk away or hang up the phone.

They have an older sister 32yrs and an older brother aged 30yrs. He is a builder and got married in January 07.....they refused to go to the wedding and have not spoken to their brother and his wife for several months.

We allowed the girls back in the house for Dec. 06 and Jan. 07 Feb. 07...because we had some of their overseas relatives coming to stay for the wedding. The understanding was they move out on March 1st 07. I have been feeding them up until now. They have used our credit cards to charge up their cell phone. I think they may have been ringing up psychics ...which explains the need to top up their phone by large sums of money.

Our son has decided to give farming a go, so we will move out by 1st June 07. Girls say there is no way they are going anywhere. They say we are discriminating ...but they in no way are qualified to run the farm. They believe that every animal should live etc. And would probably let the farm go back to scrub. They are not facing reality in any way at all.

My question is "are we going to have to use the police as they refuse to even sit down & discuss anything "Or is there another way."

Thanks N.R.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The answer to your question is a resounding “YES” – you need to file charges against your daughters. Clearly, the tail has been wagging the dog for too many years now. But you are definitely not alone on this matter.

The latest parenting challenge is dealing with emerging adults who have no intention of leaving the nest. Many 19- to 29-year-olds either return home after college or they've never even left home. The media refers to them as "Boomerang Kids." Parents are worried that their kids won't leave home.

Young adults are indeed becoming more difficult to coax out of their comfy childhood homes. Recently, the number of 26-year-olds still living at home has tripled! Here are the top 4 factors contributing to this change:

1. They Are Unprepared

They are overwhelmed or unmotivated to live independently. They would rather play it safe by occupying the family home, playing computer games and delivering pizza. These kids often grow up living the life of the privileged. Here, well-meaning parents provide their children with all the amenities congruent with an affluent lifestyle. The parents are focused on doing more for their children than what their parents did for them – at the expense of keeping them dependent. Kids don't move out because they've got it made!

When your financial generosity isn't combined with teaching kids how to become self-sufficient at an early age, we cannot expect them to automatically possess adequate life skills when they reach legal adulthood. How will they gain the skills to confidently live their own life when they haven't had the opportunity to do things for themselves? 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

2. They Are Cautious or Clueless

They are committed, but unsure how to discover their ideal career path. They approach college with the same trial and error mindset their parents had only to find out that it no longer prepares them for today's competitive world.

Parents do their kids a disservice by waiting until they are 17 or 18 before initiating career-related discussions. In our dynamic society where change is a daily diet, this is much too late! It's best to start young, at age 13. This stage of development is the perfect time to begin connecting the dots between what they love to do and possible career options. It can take years to prepare for the perfect career. Beginning early will help teens maximize their opportunities in high school and make college a much better investment.

3. They Have Personal Problems

They don't have effective life coping skills, have failed relationships or are grieving some other loss or wrestling with a challenging life event. If your teen is struggling emotionally, don't make the mistake of thinking it will somehow magically get better without an intervention. Tough love requires that you insist your adolescent get professional help so that he or she can move forward. If you don't know how to have that kind of conversation, consider getting help from a parenting expert.

4. They Have Mounting Debt

They've accumulated significant credit card debt and moving back in with their parents is a way to pay it off. According to the National Credit Card Research Foundation, 55 percent of students ages 16 to 22 have at least one credit card. If your teen falls into this group, make sure you monitor spending together online. Helping your teen understand how to budget and manage credit cards will be important for handling a household budget in the future.

Kids can't learn to manage money if they don't have any or if parents always pay for everything. If your offspring moves back home, I recommend you charge a nominal amount for room and board. As an adult member of your household, it's important for your young adult to contribute to household chores and expenses.

If the purpose of your child's return home is to pay off bills or a college loan, have a realistic plan and stick to the plan to make sure your young adult moves out of the house.

Determine Goals and Stick to Them--

Most parents enjoy having their children visit and will consider offering some short-term help. However, indulging an adult child's inaction does not help your son or daughter begin his or her own life. If your child defaults on your agreement, be willing to enforce consequences to help him or her launch into responsible adulthood.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

FDA Has Concerns About ADHD Medications

On February 21, 2007, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) directed the manufacturers of all drug products approved for the treatment of Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) to develop Patient Medication Guides to alert patients to possible cardiovascular risks and risks of adverse psychiatric symptoms associated with the medicines, and to advise them of precautions that can be taken. The FDA is working closely with manufacturers of all ADHD medicines to include important information in the product labeling and in developing new Patient Medication Guides to better inform doctors and patients about the serious risks associated with the use of the following drugs: · Adderall (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product) Tablets · Adderall XR (mixed salts of a single entity amphetamine product) Extended-Release Capsules · Concerta (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Tablets · Daytrana (methylphenidate) Transdermal System · Desoxyn (methamphetamine HCl) Tablets · Dexedrine (dextroamphetamine sulfate) Spansule Capsules and Tablets · Focalin (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets · Focalin XR (dexmethylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules · Metadate CD (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules · Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Oral Solution · Methylin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Chewable Tablets · Ritalin (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Tablets · Ritalin SR (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Sustained-Release Tablets · Ritalin LA (methylphenidate hydrochloride) Extended-Release Capsules · Strattera (atomoxetine HCl) Capsules 

Mother Receives an A+

Hey Mark,

I have read the book and think I am learning. However I guess like most parents I am concerned with what the result of my daughter’s action will be. So getting to the point, my daughter is not completely out of control, however I am trying to prevent that from happening, because as I mentioned before I know that she has drank and smoked pot. I TRULY believe that it's recreational and NOT a problem, and as I keep on open mind I am watching very closely to any sign if it should be a problem. However that isn't by main concern right now.

What I am concerned with is her not respecting my curfew and it's certainly not by hours later that she returns but minutes at a time, and to me that is still not respecting what I given her for a curfew. As I mentioned she is 17 and driving (has her own car). She has broken her curfew more than once and I have made her stay in 1-2 days, taken the car away etc... and I thought it was working because when she's able to go back out then she returns when she is suppose to and all seems OK but then maybe a couple weeks later she doesn't return at curfew time.

Now aside from being scared that something could have happened, I am hurt by this. I give her 5 minutes past her curfew and then I call her - "she is always on her way" ???????? and shows up with 10 minutes. I should not have to call a 17-year-old to tell her it's time to come home!!!! So this happened this past Tuesday night I decided that when she got off work at 4:00 pm she was to go straight home and I asked her kindly to clean her room and get rid of a few inappropriate items that I did not want in my home and that she is not to go ANYWHERE for the rest of the night. She did ask if she could go to the gym and I told her that I would pick her up when I leave work and she can come with me otherwise NO. If she did as I asked then Thursday and Friday she will be allowed to go out, however her curfew will be for those 2 nights 11:00 pm (I took 1/2 hour off for every 5 minutes that got her in the situation) so she was 15 minutes late over her 12:30 curfew.

I did tell her that none of this disciplinary action is up for negotiation and if she feels the need to argue with me at all during it then we will start all over to the first day of not going out at all and so on. Hopefully I have made myself clear, however I guess I am always questioning whether or not I am pushing too hard?? Not hard enough??? …and always have that fear of her "losing it". I feel that I have to take baby steps in the disciplinary action steps because I have given her more freedom in the past then I should have but that was because she was trust-worthy then.

Her argument on my curfew time is that is just not late enough and "I am 17-years-old Mom"... and her 2 closest female friends get to stay out until 1:00am??? However I prefer not to compare myself with their Moms (who both live alone with the daughters)???

So do you feel that I am doing the right thing???

Also we have been working on her grades, which improvement from her she is getting there??? However she is a junior and had A LOT of work to do the remaining of the year and senior year to get her credits up - IT IS DO-ABLE. She has an option to attend what her school calls "Horizons" which is from 10:45am-3:15 pm everyday. This program is for 8-10 students at a time and is a (from what I am told) a great program however they will not accept a student in if the students is not willing. She is not willing because she does not want to be in school until 3:15??? Therefore her only other option is to get it together SOONER than later!!!!

Thanks Mark. Sorry so long of email but I guess it's better to tell you as much for now so that you can clearly evaluate this matter :)..

Thanks again.

___________________________________________

Dearest P.,

I cannot tell you how proud I am of the job you are doing. I rarely get the opportunity to pay this compliment (as evidenced by most of the emails here on the Emails From Parents Blog).

You are simply doing a bang-up job. You are ON TRACK like there’s no tomorrow. I have nothing to add other than to keep doing what you’re doing.

I would give you a big hug if you were standing in front of me now. You go mom!

Thanks for being such a great “student” (hope you don’t mind that term).

Mark

Is your teen "in control" or "out of control"?

Self-Reliance is Key!

Hi Mark,

Since I wrote you, a question with which I need some
help has popped into my mind.

My son is 16 and in the 11th grade. He has been in a
deep depression since the end of October. He is
beginning to pull out of it a little bit. Meds still
are not exactly right and will take a couple more
months to get right because two of them require very
slow dosing (lamictal and trileptal).

When my son just turned 12 and was entering the 7th
grade, he became actively suicidal. It took almost the
whole academic year to figure out what was going on
meds-wise and get him stable. Since then, he's done a
therapeutic wilderness camp, had lots of therapy, done
neurofeedback, and has been wonderful for three years
until the downturn in the fall, which was related to
an undiagnosed case of hypothyroidism and going down on
his meds (since he was stable for so long).

Since this latest depression, my husband and I have
laid off on all requirements. Now, we find ourselves
with a kid who is resistant to chores, respect, etc.
We can handle this and have been preparing him for the
big boom this weekend, “Honey, there are some things we
want and some things you want. But no one gets
something for nothing. We'll talk this weekend and
make a deal."

Here's my question: Will doing this kind of parenting
help to force some emotional growth? Or, should we
still consider a placement for him. At 16 and in the
11th grade, I see the clock ticking in terms of
getting him ready to leave home and manage his own
life.

What have you seen?

Thanks,

J.

_______________________________________________________________________


The strategies in my ebook are ALL ABOUT fostering the development of self-reliance. Self-reliance is key! When we over-indulge our kids (the opposite of self-reliance), we end up with a kid who:

(a) Is dependent on us for free hand-outs of material items and privileges

(b) Is emotionally under-developed (i.e., we have a kid who is chronologically 16-years-old, but is emotionally more like 9-years-old)

(c) Is resentful because of his dependency

(d) expects continued indulgence

(e) has a strong sense of entitlement

(f) becomes detached -- not bonded -- to the parent

(g) experiences problems in other areas of his life as well (e.g., school)

When we as parents foster the development of self-reliance, we undo all (or most) of the above. To go into detail here about how one goes about fostering this development would be to re-write the ebook. I’ll simply direct you to the material, then we can tweak the strategies accordingly once you have implemented most of them.

Mark

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