F$%k You

Good afternoon Mark, I am a new addition to your website and have purchased and downloaded your information. I haven't read through the materials yet, but wanted to ask your opinion on the situation going on in my household. I am at a loss at what to do. My 17 year old son and I have always gotten along and he's always been very honest with me. Earlier this year he had started using marijuana, and had tried a handful of other drugs. He told me about this on his own. I told him I did not approve of his use, but appreciated his honesty with me. He and I have since had various conversations about his drug use, and my wish for him to stop. I have never punished him for what he has told me, because I thought that would result in him not telling me anything. Well, in late March he was caught at school with a very small amount of pot (I know, any amount is to much). He was suspended from school for three weeks. We got through that, and he's back at school - with the condition by the school that he see a counselor. Well - everything "seemed" to be going okay, although, he was spending more and more time with his friends. He'd go with them after school, but would always be home by curfew (10:00pm). Well, last Wednesday he had a counselor appt. in the evening. I called him to be sure he was going to be home in time for us to leave and he informed me he was not going. I told him it was not optional and we went back and forth, back and forth. I finally told him if he did not go, the consequence was loss of use of my car. He said he didn't care and then said 'f$%k you' to me, and hung up!! This came as a complete shock to me, as he and I had no conflict going on between us. I'm still not sure what I did to possibly be on the receiving end of that. After he hung up on me, I messaged him reminding him the consequence for disrespect was having his cell phone turned off (I've done this before - but not in months). His response was "if you want to be that way, good luck getting me to come home". Well, seeing that was the consequence of disrespect, I had his phone shut off. He called me later from his friends phone, just to say 'f$%k you" to me again. He did come home and then missed the bus both Thursday and Friday to school - so, I had to drive him....which made me late for work. When I asked him to please hurry, his response was 'f$%k you'. Thursday we drove in silence. Friday I tried talking to him - but it became an angry conversation. When he got out of my car, he slammed the door and threw his cup of coffee down the side of it. This morning, again, he would not get out of bed in time to catch the bus. After my fourth attempt to wake him, he said if I'd leave him the f#$$ alone, he would get up. So, I left him alone. The bus came and went. I decided I would not be late for work again, so, I left. As far as I know, he's still asleep. I'm at a loss. He has so much anger towards just me....but, I really have no clue why I've been singled out here. I know he is angry that I turned off the phone - but he seems to forget his actions caused that outcome. I don't know what caused his initial anger that resulted in the phone being turned off, now I don't know what to do to get past this. I'm afraid to talk to him, because he gets so angry. I don't want him to think he can walk all over me, so I will not turn the phone on until he and I can resolve this. How do other parents talk to their disrespectful teen when anger becomes an issue? He has both a father and stepfather - but both of them have washed their hands of him. I have not washed my hands of him and never will - but feel very much like a single parent here. Any advice and/or input to my situation would be GREATLY appreciated. Thank you so much for your time (sorry this is so long!), D. 

 

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Hi D., I need you to do me a really big favor! Since you are a new member of Online Parent Support—and since most of what you’re going through is addressed in the eBook, would you be willing to digest most of the material (read as well as listen), and then email me again with a specific question. Please pay particular attention to the Anger Management chapter of the ONLINE version of the eBook. I think that chapter will be the most relevant to your case at this point. Thank you. I’ll wait to hear back. 

 

Mark 

She was picked up by the police...

Mark- We are beside ourselves. Our daughter, and I am a stepmother to her, so she doesn't feel that I have a place in her life except that I am married to her dad. She lives with us. Although she hates coming home because it is so far away from her friends. She takes off, has her friends pick her up from here even when we tell her she is a "runaway". She stays out at friends' homes for days without telling us where she is. Her favorite saying is "f... y..". She is disrespectful to her dad. 

 

She was picked up by the police this weekend because she was in a car with a friend who had a gun and drugs. We don't know what to do with her. We are considering sending her to a camp for troubled teens. Can you please provide us with some advise? If we say white, she says black. If we say left, she says right. It doesn't matter what our approach is, she always contradicts it. We are definitely in trouble here and need advise. We believe she is on the wrong road and fear for her. We have taken away her car and driving privileges until she can prove to us she is responsible. She is getting A's and B's in school and attending school. She is a good kid, but headed in a very bad way with the wrong crowd. Let us know how we can approach her positively. THANK YOU. A. & P. 

 

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If she is running away periodically - for days at a time - and running with peers who possess guns and drugs, then you should go to your local juvenile probation department and file a complaint. Once on probation, she will be referred to services that her probation officer deems appropriate (e.g., home-based counseling, anger management classes, etc.). 

 

 I’m concerned that it has come to the point where you need some outside assistance – otherwise, you’ll continue to spin your wheels and make no headway. I’m guessing that you and your husband will either choose to involve her in the juvenile justice system now, or she will become involved later by default. 

 

I’d rather she experience some mild, short-term pain now (in the form of probation) rather than a lot of major, long-term pain later. You’ll want to start using the strategies in the eBook too, because she won’t be on probation forever. And you won’t want to start all over again once probation closes her case. 

 

Mark

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

She lies ALL the time...

Mark, My daughter is 14 and she lies ALL the time. Back in March my cell phone was lost. I looked for a week and she even helped me look for it. I had convinced myself it had fallen out of my purse and into my trash in my van and I had thrown it away. In the mean time I bought a new cell phone at $300 because my contract was not up. On mothers day we had taken my parents out for ice cream. I specifically remember putting my phone in my purse in its holder. Well my daughter had gotten into trouble earlier that day. She had gotten a phone call and my husband had told her she had 5 minutes on the phone. 

 

She used her 5 minutes and he asked her to get off the phone (land line). Well she decided she needed to get something out of the living quarters of our horse trailer. She put her heavy coat on and just as sweet as pie goes past my husband just a talking up a storm. Which is VERY unusual right now because we are not anything she wants to talk to OR hang out with. Needless to say my husband got suspicious, came and asked me if I had my cell phone. I told him, "No, it's in the hold in my purse." He said, "Oh no it's not." Well as she was outside, he snuck outside and listened to her talking. When he opened the door to the trailer she closed the phone and put her iPod in her ear. 

 

She hid the phone in the trailer in a cabinet. My husband and I both knew she had it, so I told her give me your iPod and when you decide to give my phone I will give you your iPod. She swore up and down she did not have the phone. She just said she was singing to her iPod. While we were looking for the "new $300 phone" we found my old phone between her mattresses. It took 10 days, and a field trip for school, but she did give me my phone back. I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? 

 

I told her she WILL pay me back the $300 dollars because I should have never had to buy the phone in the first place. She is going to work this summer so I figure she can give me half of what she makes and she can keep half until I am paid back. I have told her from the beginning you will NEVER get into as much trouble if you will be honest with me. She has just started this lying since she turned 13. I have always told her I will back her if she tells me the truth but I must have the truth. I am getting to where I am not sure I know when she tells me the truth. I don't like that! The other part I don't like with this whole deal is she doesn't think she did ANYTHING wrong -- that it is my fault. 

 

 She thinks since she told me the truth 10 days later she should not have any punishment. Her punishment is 10 days of no computer, limited phone calls and no friends over or her not going to their house either. She does seem to blame others for her mistakes A LOT. I do not like that and would like help with that. How do you explain to put blame where blame is due? She blamed a teacher for her bad grade in science when she didn't study??? Then told me the teacher is just a bad teacher and no one at school likes the teacher. My daughter seems lazy when it comes to school and her studies. Thanks for your time, C. 

 

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Re: "I told her it took you ten days to tell me the truth so I believe it should take 10 days to get your iPod back. Is this fair? => Sounds right to me. Re: How do you explain to put blame where blame is due?"

 

=> I wouldn’t spend any time ‘explaining’. She’s going to blame others for her mistakes and misbehavior. Simply issue the consequence for misbehavior – no explaining. 

 

Intense, out of control kids try to convince the mother that the father is mean …they try to convince the parent that the teachers are unfair …they try to convince the teachers that the parents are abusive …and so on. This behavior just comes with the territory. 

 

Simply do not ‘buy in’ to her statements that “it’s someone else’s fault.” Also, do NOT believe a word your daughter says. You have been deceived more than you’ll ever know. Verify EVERYTHING. 

 

Mark 

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens