Take EVERYTHING Away?!

 

"Mark, When you say take everything away (during the 3 day discipline) do you really mean EVERYTHING? Is this always necessary? ~ S.F."


Hi S.,

It's not necessary to take everything away in most cases. Usually the kid only has a few things that she/he enjoys (e.g., phone privileges, iPod, computer). Thus, in most cases the parent can just confiscate the really important stuff.

However, there have been times when parents have literally taken away everything. Most recently I had a mother who took it all away (but only for 3 days, as directed). Her son only had the clothes on his back and a mattress on his floor (she even took his bedroom door off the hinges and removed all the 'junk food' from the house).

Now this may sound drastic -- and it does take some work, but when parents follow the program (and this particular mother is), they achieve outstanding results.

When taking everything away, you can put stuff in a locked closet, the trunk of your car, a neighbors house, etc. But again, it's not usually necessary to go this far.

Tuff luv mom!

Mark

==> Help for parents of defiant teens...

How Do You Eat An Elephant?

Mark, What do I do when I've issued the 3-day-discipline (e.g., for violating curfew), but then my son creates a new problem before completing the discipline (e.g., calls me a "bitch", then breaks a plate by throwing it in the sink too hard)? Do I start the 3 days over even though the "broken plate episode" is unrelated to the curfew violation, or does this new problem get a different consequence?

Click here for the answer...

He has received F's in most of his core subjects...

My son is all set on graduating the eighth grade tomorrow but has received F's in most of his core subjects (Math, language and social studies) my husband and I are wondering if we should allow our child to graduate or should we petition the school for him to be retained, hopefully so that he will do a better job academically this time realizing he will need to do some work in order to pass. If we want to petition the school it must be done today otherwise it is a done deal. What should we do, we don't want our child to be ill prepared for high school and therefore get overwhelmed and drop out? Please give us your professional opinion!
B.O.

````````````````````````
I'm not a proponent for holding children back due to bad grades. It has been my experience that grades tend not improve the second time through. If poor academic performance has been a problem for several months now -- and if it is a constant source of parent-child conflict, then please follow the recommendation in the eBook ("Emails From Exasperated Parents": online version).

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

My Out-of-Control Teen

Mark,

You're selling yourself short. You really should be charging much more for your services. I've had 2 phone consultations with you, plus several email consults ...not to mention access to your website and the eBook. Before joining Online Parent Support, I had searched everywhere for info on ODD and ADHD, but could not find anything close to what you offer. Why are you doing this so cheap?

M.S.

```````````````

Hi M.,

If I remember correctly, you live in the U.S. And 19 bucks is not a whole lot of money to those of us who live in the States. But keep in mind that "My Out-of-Control Teen" eBook sells all over the world -- Central America, South America, Caribbean, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, Melanesia, Asia, Africa ...and so on.

$19 is a lot of money for most people outside the U.S. If I raised the price to $29 or above, too many people simply would not be able to afford it.

Hope this answers your question.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

He's called me every colourful 'F' word name in existence...

Mark,

I have just downloaded the ebook and I feel like a kid at Christmas time! Thank God someone somewhere in the world knows what Conduct Disorder actually is for a start and has some strategies to cope. A diagnosis is one thing, at least there is a name for it, but to be left hanging by schools and health services, or worse still, stared at blankly in ignorance is much harder to handle. We live in Australia, so far I have not found much in the way of help for my son or our family.

My son was diagnosed last year in what I thought was the height of his behaviour meltdown. Little did I know the worst was yet to come. He is just 15, currently reported missing from home since Sat (because I told him he couldn’t go out Fri. night as a consequence of him calling me every colourful F word name in existence for the previous 4 days). Sadly, this is common in our home, and has at times been accompanied by throwing furniture, bricks on glass door etc...(I have 2 other younger sons this behaviour effects also) It is more frustrating (dare I say embarrassing?) because I am a Police Officer myself....my child is out of control, has been expelled from school for a lengthy history of things, including drugs and violence and is currently enrolled in a behaviour modification school, and he has a drug and alcohol problem. (It seems very bad when I type it down, somehow I believe it's not that bad in my head sometimes.)

Well I could write a novel here but I am sure you have an idea how it would read. I look forward to working though the book.

Thank you for caring enough to try and save these kids,

B.

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com

A Parent's Spiritual Principle

Dear Members of Online Parent Support,

In case you don't know, I am a very spiritual person -- and I consider Online Parent Support to be a very spiritual place. I don't mean to sound "preachy," but I would have never made it without a deep faith in God.

God has truly blessed our website. And I believe he blesses members of Online Parent Support -- on a daily basis.

I want to share an important spiritual principle with you: What You Think About Expands. Let me help you wrap your brain around this concept.

If you believe, for example, that people cannot be trusted and that they are generally self-serving -- you will find a lot of untrustworthy, selfish individuals showing up in your life.

If you believe that your family will never experience any joy or peace -- you will find a lot of sadness and discontent arriving at your door step, not to mention living day-to-day in a near-constant state of depression and helplessness.

If you believe that your son or daughter is destined for a lifetime of failure and misery -- you're right!

Conversely, if you believe that people tend to want to live up to your trust and that they CAN be influenced to change unwanted behavior -- then you will attract numerous individuals who are trustworthy and capable of change.

If you believe that your family and children are a "work-in-progress" and that the best is yet to come -- then you will have patience with the parenting process and will see a constant, loving source of hope and reassurance for the future.

This is not hype I'm referring to here. Rather, this is a natural "law of the universe" ==> what you think about becomes your reality. We don't know why it works this way, but we have much evidence that it DOES work this way.

Here's to a better home environment,

Mark Hutten, M.A.

She actually bit me, like a two year old...

Mark, Thank you so much for the phone consultation on Memorial Day - it helped a great deal. We had a few relatively calm days (the usual yelling and cursing but no major outbursts), and over the weekend, another storm. I knew that my daughter was planning to go off with a group of the older "friends" that I don't know and she doesn't want me to meet. I had told her that she could only go to a Girl Scout meeting. Well, she tried to go off with the older "friends" - when I wasn't there and she thought that Grandma would let her get away with it. I'd asked my mother to call the troop leader, who happens to be a policewoman, if she tried anything, and she did call her. She was there in minutes and gave daughter a good talking to. I feel better about doing the AP grading now that she's involved. I am worried because my daughter is getting even more out of control. She was physically violent towards me again - said I provoked her. After she went over her two-hour computer time limit, I unplugged it from the phone line (we have dial up) and she actually bit me, like a two year old.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> I routinely recommend that the maximum time limit for computer use is 1 hour. Also, you and I had talked about your daughter not having internet access at all since it is a constant source of parent-child conflict (remember). 

 

She's also been talking about suicide, and I found out (been snooping again) that she's done searches on the internet about methods of suicide. She says she will be buried in her prom dress, and says things like "when you have a dead daughter you will be sorry for the way you treated me". She has also been cutting - I read the section in your ebook on that. She keeps yelling and cursing and the "I hate you's" are constant. Today I responded with "you're acting like a two year old who keeps saying no over and over." Because of her behavior, I took her iPod and she will have no computer time.  

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

>>>>>>>> I think we’ve covered this one in previous emails as well. This is a guilt trip that your daughter is going fishing for – I hope you’re not biting. 

 

 I know some of her threats to run away or kill herself are manipulation and just being a teenage drama queen, but worry about the suicide threats because, like I said on the phone, there's a history of bipolar on her father's side and depression on mine. She also talks about wanting to get drunk (there's alcoholism on both sides). When she threatened suicide again today, I came very close to calling crisis intervention but didn't, because I didn't want to give her the intensity she craves. 

 

 >>>>>>>> Great move! You’re working the program. Just keep on eye on her when she attempts to push your “suicide buttons.” 

 

I did say "most teenage suicide attempts do not work, can leave permanent disabilities, and if you try that it will go on your record and you will never be able to join the army" (she says that joining the army is her only reason for living – which I think is sick, but that's another topic...) Question - I know you said it's way too premature for boarding school, but when do you think residential placement is justified? 

 

 >>>>>>>>>> You may want to consider a brief residential placement for her now -- or maybe a short Intensive Outpatient Program (IOP). This will give her a taste of treatment for mental illness (she may decide she doesn’t want to be sick), and it will give you a break from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>>So I’m saying some people choose to be sick? Not exactly. For example, nobody chooses to be Bipolar, but they often choose to use their illness (a) as an excuse for poor choices and (b) as a crutch to avoid taking personal responsibility. 

 

 I'm worried about her safety - she tried to lock the door to her room, and I told her if she chose to do that, she was choosing to have the doorknob removed, and so far that worked, but I can't watch her 24/7. And I have to admit that I'd really like a break from her. I feel like my daughter is gone and I have to cope with this angry, disturbed stranger, her eyes empty and her face distorted with what seems like real hatred for me. It's extremely difficult to get my own work done because I'm constantly exhausted, emotionally and physically, from her.  

 

>>>>>>>>>> You should be concerned for her safety, but don’t let her know it. You may want to simply say, “If you choose to threaten suicide, you will choose being assessed at a mental health facility and risk being placed there for a while.” Then, if she threatens again, you need to take her in for an assessment and possibly have her committed for a brief period of time. 

 

Another question - I tried giving her a chore (just feeding the cat, and she responded with "in a bit") and didn't do it. What to do when she simply refuses to do a chore?

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens 

 

 >>>>>>>>>>> Then she loses a privilege (e.g., no use of the phone this evening). 

 

And, you said to give the teenager a hug. At the end of the day, I tell her I love her, but about half the time she refuses to let me hug her. She screams "get away from me" and "if you touch me I will fight you." Occasionally she tolerates a hug from me, but stands stiffly, arms at her side. Should I be doing anything differently?  

 

>>>>>>>>>> As long as you are giving her some form of physical touch, then you’re doing enough. It doesn’t have to be something as bold as a hug. A pat on the back, for example, will suffice.  

 

Thanks so much for all your help! S.  

 

>>>>>>>> You are a great student S.. I am very proud of you. Keep it rollin’.  

 

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 

==> Effective Disciplinary Techniques for Defiant Teens and Preteens