Parenting Program for Troubled Teens

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

Anything to get a response...

"Hi Mark, I was quite impressed with what I read [in your eBook] and realize that I need to get more consistent with my kids (aged 11 and 7). My 11 yo daughter is the strong-willed one. One question I have is how to deal with their fighting. My daughter likes to have constant interaction and even when my son (7) wants to be by himself, she walks by and tries to provoke him, or bully him into playing - anything to get a response. He finally blows up and throws something at her and she claims she did nothing. Often they do play well together, but just as often they bicker, hurl insults, and physically hurt each other. We have gone through phases of ignoring it, sitting them down and trying to get them to work things out (never worked) …now we just send both of them to their rooms for a half an hour or an hour. What is the best tactic? Thanks, L."

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Hi L.,

This may not be true in your case, but what I find most often with parents who say "they tried ignoring the conflict" is this: They "ignored" for a short period of time, but then got feed-up, intervened to protect the younger one, and poured on a bunch of intensity while "things were going wrong."

Result:The older sib gets a payoff because she received the parent's intensity by pushing her "anger" button, and the younger one gets a payoff because he received the parent's intensity by pushing her "protection" button. Because of the 'payoff', the "problem" is reinforced ( i.e., behavior is rewarded and therefore repeated).

Ignoring behavior is an over-rated parenting strategy, but in this case it is the recommended strategy -- unless physical violence enters the picture (e.g., throwing things at one another, hitting, pushing, etc.). When the kids become violent, the parent will do best by using the strategy "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [in the Anger Management chapter of the Online Version of the eBook].

I hope this answers your question adequately. If you need any clarification regarding the strategy listed above, don't hesitate to email again.

Mark

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It Was Just A "Mistake"

Initially I signed on as a teacher looking for signs and strategies to deal with high school-age students. I am now seeing some of the behaviours I was afraid of in my own son, now 13.

This weekend we were invited to a family friend's cottage. They gave him several gifts, but when we returned home, it appears as if he may have stolen from them. Specifically, the boys (adults and children) went out fishing. My son borrowed a fishing lure from our host and caught a nice fish with it. The next day the lure was in his tackle box. When confronted he denied stealing it and claimed it must have been a mix-up. Maybe he put his in our host's tackle box and kept the host's.

We made him call the owner a report the "mistake" and make arrangements to make the exchange the next time we were in town. Despite all opportunities to confess his wrongdoing he maintains that he is innocent. I don't believe it. What do I do next?

K.

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You've done all you need to do (i.e., had your son call the owner with plans to return the item). I doubt that you will get a confession out of your son. He's probably embarrassed about getting caught and wants to save face at this point.

You're probably right - he took the lure - but if you have no evidence that he did this on purpose, then you should not issue a consequence for "stealing" - or "lying."

I think he learned something from the experience.

Mark

www.MyOutOfControlTeen.com