I feel I am heading in a new direction...

Hello Mark,

Thank you for your email. I believe things happen for a reason.

I have been looking for the guidance on how to handle my oldest son for a few years now. I was actually on line looking for a website for information on boot camps etc...when I came across your website just last night. This of course was in the midst of him refusing to come home and telling me he will come home when he wanted to....maybe 1,2,3:00 in the morning whatever he dediced and on top of that not knowing where my other son even was! Ugggh!

I have tried so many things and he has just got worse. Now...my youngest son 14 is riding on his brothers coat tails and beginning the same behavior. I so want to harness their behavior so it doesn't continue and wasn't only looking at them, but also at me and what could I change. Just this week I was looking at my parenting (single parent) and what I was doing to fuel the fire and not sure how/what to change. I did recognize a few things and made a start with those but when I read your website I realized I had found the right tools to guide me in my parenting. Your website described me & my teens to the "T"!! It was incredible to read what I have so far! I couldn't wait to get up this morning and start reading some more!

One of the things I learned so far from your website is...I have been doing some things right but still have a lot of work to do to change the way I parent my two boys. Also, what I have learned so far about why teens act/re-act they way they do has given me a better understanding of them and that they/we are not alone.

Thank you for creating your website and proving the guidance and information to help me through! In less than 24 hours I feel I am heading in a new direction. I am ready to face what comes our way.

Warmest Regards,

B.

Online Parent Support

Tackle Only One Problem At A Time

Mark, Exactly right about the punishments, as I have read, re-read your program over and over! My problem though is M______ is refusing most things.

1) Right now he is supposed to be doing his on laundry (as a consequence) and actually has done some of it, but won't fold it or put it away. I even offered to help fold while we watched a baseball game last night, but he refused.

2) He recently got back his "designer" clothes (dad gave back, did not "earn" back). I asked him to put them away (they are in a big hockey bag), again they are still in the bag in the middle of the bedroom floor.

3) He made a grilled cheese sandwich, burned the pan, left it on the stove, directed to clean it, he made a half-hearted attempt said he would "clean it when I get home from work", then never did (I needed it for dinner last night, so I ended up cleaning it).

4) was refusing to go see his counselor Friday, eventually did go, but ended up sitting in the waiting room.

5) is refusing to mow the lawn (which had been a paid job to help work off some of his debt)

6) said he was going "tanning" yesterday afternoon (at the end of our block), but part of his bond is to stay at home, was told no, he started walking, I went with him, he did return home, I did drive him and waited in the car.

7) he has missed his bus every morning for school, inconveniencing me and his little brother.

8) trying to talk on the phone EVERY chance he can possibly find. We have told him if he went to school on the bus every day, stayed off the phone, kept up with his laundry, kept his room tidy, did his other chores, did not swear at us, he could earn back the privilege of driving to/from school (to start). He has done none of these things.

SO WHAT CAN WE OFFER? I am finding things positive, having open conversations and saying "I love you" daily. This is what I'm struggling with. Thanks, J___
 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents 

 

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 Re: SO WHAT CAN WE OFFER? I am finding things positive, having open conversations and saying "I love you" daily. This is what I'm struggling with. 

O.K. Great question! Earning things back simply entails not repeating the offense in question. For example, your son violates curfew after he was given a warning that he will be grounded for 3 days without computer privileges. Two days go by and he returns home late again. So you restart the 3 days. If he makes it through the 3 days without missing his curfew, then he gets off ground and can get on the computer.

Notice in this example he didn't have to "earn" his way off discipline by doing laundry or mowing the grass. Also, in this example, you only tackled one problem rather than multiple problems. 

Judy, check out this blog entry ==> click here. I think this may be helpful in ironing out some minor details for you. Do not get discouraged, because you are greatly on track.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

 
==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

She goes into orbit...

I have a grand daughter 7 who is ripping the heart out of my daughter. H___ is 7 and for the past 2 weeks she has had these psychotic attacks. She turned on my daughter, scratched , kicked, bit , pulled her hair …hurt her ...all because she didn't get her way. The Dr thinks she may have ODD and ADHD ...my daughter asked me to come help her so I am leaving tomorrow for HI. You can't tell her no ...when she does not get her way she goes into orbit. The day she went after my daughter was because she wanted to jump off a cliff ...please let me know what you think. Thank you.

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I'm going to be brief.

If you don't have the strategies outlined in my eBook, then you are in for one long, frustrating venture with your grand daughter.

Mark

Mom Is In For The Long Haul

Mark,

Well, just to keep you up to date. M______ had his prelim hearing on Tuesday. The attorney for "our" side (who we had never met and had never spoken to) told the referee we were unwilling to take him home. We did tell the ref. we would take him home with some restrictions. He told M______ he would be having another hearing and would he be willing to go home with his parents until then. He never once turned around to acknowledge us at all and said to the referee "How long would that be for?" Obviously this killed us, but he did not see our reaction, nor do I believe we showed one.

The ref. found out if would be 30 days, and he went through the restrictions, and M______ said he would go home. We picked him up from the Juv. center. He did not speak to us. We went to pick up the 9 yr old from our friends. It was only then that he finally started to talk to him. By the end of the night, he was at least talking to us. It was very strained to say the least. He is denying what happened. He is saying his court appointed attorney (that we have to pay for) that he can bring charges against us for 1. child abuse, 2. sexual harassment 3. he can plead innocent. We tried to explain to him that he could go ahead and try, but his record compared to ours speaks for itself and we as his parents would not do something like this to our own child unless it were true.

Just for your info (if you don't know) we are required to pay for each day he is housed at the youth home at $170.00 per day. We pay 100% because of our income. The 4 day stay alone is $680.00 plus the $300.00 attorney fee--go ahead and add up the 30 days they were contemplating!! No wonder more parents don't seek out the police/legal recourse.

We do feel our son needs help, but not to be put in the youth home. He came home with all kinds of stories of other boys with murder charges, armed robbery, etc. and he is a runaway and domestic assault (never punched, more of pushed/shoved but still caused bruising).

Anyway, we did change his school. He "wasn't going" that first day, was 10 minutes late, and tried every ploy/plead for me to change my mind at the last minute (after we had done the paperwork). At one point he did say "I didn't think you would really do it," which was an eye-opener to me. He blames parents for taking away both being at same school as his girlfriend and no lacrosse at the current school. I keep putting this back onto him as the one who chose it. He has not made the bus one day yet. We are working on this, and I'm sure he feels like a baby since most 11th graders drive. We have dangled the carrot of driving to school in several weeks if he "earns" it back.

He has asked for the phone (which he uses when we're not home). I'm sure, internet privilege, and to go to a football game, go tanning, and spend the night at a friend's all with NO answers as he is limited to his home, school (for school only, no extracurriculars), and work as part of his probation. He did give me a difficult time with this but did stay home. His girlfriend is also "off limits" as far as ANY contact--phone, internet, etc. but I know he is talking with her. I have yet to reach her parents to tell them about the terms of his probation (they did come over on Monday with the girl to discuss the relationship and agree it is a destructive one and would try to keep them separated at least for a while).

His counselor has not helped (as you predicted) and feels his behavior is escalating, and he may be having mood swings. M______ had an appt. last night, was "not going", told him to be mature and do the right thing, he eventually went with me but only saw the counselor for about 5 minutes. He sees the probation officer Wednesday and has a court ordered psych eval on 10/2. Court date is 10/4.

I hope we have "peaked" and things will get better. What is your opinion? What other incentives do you think may help? (No phone or internet as this has been the ongoing issue). He actually seems to be OK with the school (did attend K-8th grade in this district so he knows quite a few of the kids). Dad is out of town for the w/e and we did go out to dinner yesterday and then out for ice cream. I am waiting for him to do his chores sometime this weekend (hopefully will) and he is currently at work. I need to keep him busy. Any ideas would be great. Thanks, and I'll keep you informed.

Oh, by the way, husband sees dollar signs and is ready to let M______ run wild rather than con't our struggle with the juve. system due to the outrageous financial burden. I however, am determined to con't so M______ knows we mean what we say. I have told husband I would get a second job, etc. but I was determined to cont the fight as I feel we haven't "lost" M______ yet.


Thanks,

J___


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Hi J.,

Re: I hope we have "peaked" and things will get better. What is your opinion? What other incentives do you think may help?

Results from the psych eval should provide some valuable info that will dictate a course of action.

Keep in mind that consequences need to be immediate -- but short-term (no more than 7 days, and 3 days works best). You want your son to be able to see light at the end of the tunnel.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am better today...

Mark,

It was a Godsend to speak to you, and again -- I thank you!

I am better today. Lia is home. I tried your the technique you teach of "give some praise through a wired shut by anger mouth"... :-) ..., yesterday on Lia. She DID the dishes, 1st time out and good.

After she finished them I said "TTTttttttthhhhhhaaannnnnkkkkk (aaarrrgggggggaAAaag) Yyyyyoooouuuu. You did the dishes great and even put them away without being asked. Want to help with dinner?"...

I swear she stood frozen, like a deer cemented in headlights, and eventually said "sure". So today is a new day. A thankful while hopeful day for the ONE day of peace I had yesterday and for the hope of adding another day today. It is at least a start. Thank you!"

Take Care,

D.

Online Parent Support

Cruel & Unusual Punishment

Mark,

Earlier today I overheard some parents talking about how traditional punishments stopped working for today’s teens and it got me thinking. Sending a teen to their bedroom really isn’t much of a punishment. They have so much to do in there that it’s fun - and making them stay home isn’t much of a discouragement either as many teens prefer to stay home.

Here are some creative punishments that will get you results when used as a threat or an actual punishment:

* Completely block their Internet access for a x days using your router.

* Delete all their MP3s off their computers and iPod.

* Delete their saved games off of their Xbox, PlayStation, etc.

* Delete all their ringtones and contacts off their cell phone.

* Delete their porn collection on their computer. Yes, even your child has one.

* Sell their iPod, game consoles, and/or camera on eBay and use the cash to buy something for yourself that they won’t enjoy.

* Sell their car and make them ride a bicycle, or worse, public transportation.

* Edit their MySpace profile and put Mom, Dad, Grandparents, and all their siblings in their Top 8. Delete all other friends except maybe ugly/unpopular ones. Then change their password so they can’t switch it back.

* When their friends call, pretend you’re getting them, then say, “___ said s/he will call you back after s/he’s finished watching his/her favorite 7th Heaven episode for the third time today.”

* Take all their favorite clothes and donate them to the Salvation Army, leaving them only with uncool dress clothes.

I didn’t list these in any particular order, but some should be reserved for more serious infractions.

My Out-of-Control Teen

Is age a factor?

Dear Mr. Hutten,

I have an 8-year-old child that was recently diagnosed with Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Just before his third birthday he was diagnosed as having autism. He had severe speech delay, cognitive issues, major behavioral problems and low social interaction.

With a combination of ABA, occupational and speech therapy, he is vastly improved. He now tests "normal" in cognitive tests, although he does continue to be a bit behind his peers.

His behavior, however, is horrific.

I tell people it's like living with a surly teenager. He lashes out if he doesn't get his way. At school he routinely hits other children if they frustrate/upset him in any way. He blames others for everything, even going so far as to say that his victims *told* him to do it. He has every single out of control behavior on the ODD list (with the exception of swearing because there is no swearing at all in our home).

Because he's routinely seen for autism, the doctors told us that his progress made is such that they don't consider him to be autistic and say he probably never was. So we had him reevaluated because if he's not autistic, then I wanted to know what we were dealing with.

He has a tentative diagnosis of ODD - the psychotherapist who evaluated him has gone on maternity leave.

We have all sorts of positive behavior modification programs in place, but nothing seems to work. Punishment and discipline only seems to exacerbate the situation.

We are quite literally at our wit's end. I'm wondering whether your program could help us. I see that it is geared towards teenagers, and I didn't know if it would work with someone as young as my son.

Thank you,

S.W.

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Hi S.,

Age is not a factor. There are a few age-specific strategies, but these are outlined in the eBook.

The parents I work with have tried very hard to address their child’s emotional and behavioral problems on their own, but with little or no success. And it seems the harder they try, the worse it gets.

Every Monday night at Madison Superior Court [Div. 2], I meet with a group of parents who are at a loss on what to do or how to help. We meet for 1 hour each session for 4 Mondays.

During our brief time together, I show the parent how to use some highly effective “unconventional” parenting strategies to use with their out-of-control, “unconventional” child.

I follow up with these parents weeks and months after they complete the program to track their success, and 80% - 90% of them report back to me that problems in the home have reduced in frequency and severity, and that the parent-child conflict is finally manageable.

Now I want to show YOU what I show them. I want to teach YOU how to approach your child -- in spite of all the emotional and behavioral problems.

There is no need for you to continue living as a frustrated, stressed-out parent. I will help you resolve most of the behavioral problems, but I can’t do it for you!

If you will read my eBook, listen to my talks, view my videos and power point presentations, and email me with specific questions as you go along – you WILL get the problems turned around. If you will take a step of faith here, you WILL experience the same success that thousands of other parents are now enjoying.

After years of dealing with strong-willed, defiant children, many parents feel so defeated that they believe nothing or nobody will be able to help them – they think it’s simply “too late.” But I promise you – it is NOT too late!!

If you’re tired of disrespect, dishonesty, arguments, hot tempers, etc., and if things are steadily getting worse as time goes by, then you may want to get started with these parenting strategies today.

I'm not a “miracle worker,” but you don't need a miracle to get your kid on a good track behaviorally and emotionally -- you just need the right combination of these “unconventional” parenting strategies I’d like to show you.

I’m here for you should you decide to Join Online Parent Support…

Mark Hutten, M.A.
Online Parent Support, LLC
Email: mbhutten@gmail.com

==> CLICK HERE to join Online Parent Support.