What do I do now? Where do we go from here?

Dear Mark:

I'm sure you must be told this often, but I have to say thank you. I have been listening to and reading the material provided in your out-of-control child site and feel a very heavy burden has been lifted from my shoulders. Last evening I literally cried my eyes out, not knowing what to do in regard to my daughter. She is 15, has an IQ of 144, is very intelligent and thinks I am a poor excuse for a parent. My rules are stupid, my choices are insane ... and all I'm trying to do is help her see that balance is an issue in her life and am trying to influence her so that she might choose not to run herself into the ground as she does everything for everyone around her but completely discounts her family. She transmits and receives over 6000 text messages a month, yet couldn't tell you two things about the weekly lives of her younger brother, her stepfather or her mother. My approach to her has not worked. I am a textbook example of everything I have read to this point of the wrong way to do things, as I am about to begin the chapter on fair fighting.

If my daughter were stealing, drinking, acting out inappropriately sexually, I feel I would have had a better support system. I have worked within the local law enforcement agency and court for the last 6 years. My daughter is a good kid who lives a clean and good life, and that has sometimes made it more difficult to contend with the issues that arise because really, she is a good kid and many would give anything to have a child like her ... they simply do not see the day to day perils that are in our life. I am very proud of her accomplishments and do a great deal to support her in her endeavors, but I have been resentful that she shows little or no appreciation for our efforts. I want you to know that you are not only touching the lives of parents whose children's lives will see the inside of jails and courts and detention halls, but also my family's lives where kids truly are smarter than their parents and will do incredible things w ith their drive and their energy, and not in spite of their parents, but with the parental support that also seeks a well rounded individual to come from that child ... as we strive for harmony and balance with a strong willed gifted child. The Scream Free Parenting video was a godsend ... I watched it three times ... combined with the other information I read and listened to that point, I knew I had found the help I need.

So, I'm an amateur here but thank you for the support that I have been able to gain today. My attitude has changed 180 degrees. I know I can change my attitude, my behavior, my way of dealing with things as it has been explained to me in your program. That is the life line I so desperately needed today. I must have said to my husband a dozen times last night, "I don't know what to do. What do I do now? Where do we go from here?" I truly felt completely lost and had no idea what to do beyond breathe. I woke up several times during the night and literally prayed out loud for the Lord to point me in the direction he intends me to go and to please line that path with neon as I didn't think I could find it any other way. I got on the computer this morning looking for sites that would speak to the setting of limits for gifted children, and found you. I do believe you are a gift to us directly from God. Your site is an answered prayer. I will glorify God by reading every word, listening to every syllable and giving my very best effort to effecting a positive change in my life and thereby affecting my family in the same positive way. I'm sure you will hear more from me as I journey through this material. I just had to thank you for giving me the direction I needed so desperately today. I have rambled through this email and am going to send it as it is, without perfecting the grammar or cutting out unnecessary verbiage (you must know just from reading this that is my personality) ... it no doubt will be fun to look back at and to see the growth your program has effected in my life.

God bless you ... as He has me with your program. A million times, thank you.

C.

Online Parent Support

I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff...

Hi Mark

First off I would like to explain a little about the home life...I am a single mom. We are living with my mom, to help her out as she has Parkinson's. I am suffering from nerve damage in my neck & am having lots of issues with pain...& being a mom right now is challenging without having a difficult child.

We live in a small town, my daughter A__ (15), was being seen by the only child psychologist around here... it didn't work out. The psych was trying to turn A___ into a V___ & A___ wouldn't open up to her, instead the counselor would answer questions for her. So we are w/o counseling except for the school psych who sees her once a week.

Anyways, I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine, which is not making any of this easier. I am trying my hardest.

My concern is this....last night I had a really bad night & had to leave my 18 year old up & in charge...I had to go to bed. When I got up this morning, we had found that A___ had been looking up Wicca & Wicca chat groups online. How should I address this with her, without it turning into a major battle??? I am really concerned about this one.

With the condition I am in physically, I have thought about sending her away to a behavioral camp, but finances are rough & I cannot afford it.

We have finally overcome school refusals, after one morning, I got fed up with her refusing to get out of bed to go to school, I banged pots & pans & squirted her with a squirt gun until she got up. She hasn't refused school since.

We had a situation where her brother's Ipod came up missing....we knew she took it, she has a tendency to steal from family. The school counselors told us not to blame her, as we didnt have proof & we didn't want to lose HER trust. What about OUR trust?? A week later, A___ was in her brother's room & said there's something shiney under his bed, I think it's the Ipod. So the Ipod mysteriously reappeared. The whole house was searched...it wasn't there before.

I am truly concerned about her & the Wicca stuff though. I don't even know how to approach her on this. I am not up to a fight.

I have just started going through your program....it's gonna take me a couple times of going over it though as I am on some pretty heavy pain medicine right now.

I just really need some advice on how to approach her on this as I don't want it to be a battle.

Thank you kindly,

T.

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Hi T.,

You’re new to the program. The best advice I can give you at this point is to be patient. Only do one session per week - and only implement one set of assignments per week. In the meantime, just do what you have been doing until you come to parts of the eBook that instruct you otherwise. In session #3, you will discover exactly how to address the issue you listed above.

Having said that, you can get parental control software to stop your daughter from going to places on the net that you do not want her to visit. Here’s the one we use at our house:

PC-Tattletale

What's Fair Game?

Dear Mark,

I've been reading your e-book, My Out-of-Control Teen, and I've gotten some good ideas already. One thing that I'm not sure how to handle is taking away things as a discipline. Our 16-year-old son has a computer and video games that he bought himself with money that he earned at his part-time job. When we threaten to take these away from him, he says we can't because he paid for them. How should we handle this?

Thank you for your help.

S.D.

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Hi S.,

First of all, here's the link to the page of the eBook that most applies:

Look for the section entitled ==> When You Want Something From Your Kid

Secondly, if he EARNED his computer and games, then you shouldn't take those items away as part of discipline; however, he does live in your house ...and you pay for the electricity. So, in using the strategy in the section listed above, you can add one caveat:

Issue a warning by saying to him, "If you choose to __________________ (the behavior that is unacceptable), then you'll choose the consequence, which is as follows: You will be charged a fee (to be paid within 7 days) for using the electricity in my house, and if you cannot - or will not - help pay the electric bill, then you'll choose to (a) have the electricity shut off to your room or (b) loose the power cord to your computer (for 1 - 3 days)."

If he engages in the inappropriate behavior after the warning, then follow through with the consequence. If he refuses to accept this consequence, then take everything away (except the disabled computer and games) and ground him for 3 - 7 days.

This may sound ridiculous, but he needs to understand that using your electricity for his entertainment is a privilege - not a right.

Mark

P.S. This is representative of how the "real world" operates. That's why you're doing this - to prepare him for the real world.

Online Parent Support