He refuses to eat what serve...

Hi Mark,

I am enjoying reading your book and up to assignment 2.

I apologize for being upfront and I am hoping you don't mind me asking you for advice.

I have a wonderful 14-year-old son who is giving us a bit of grief at the moment. His attitude basically is we are all his servants and he basically yells at us. Very hard to actually sit down and have a conversation.

We always sit down for evening meal but R___ just about refuses to eat what serve. He wont suggest in the morning what he would like but is happy to complain and whine. This is the same as his school lunch.

I thought today I have had enough and refuse to make his lunch and will offer dinner knowing very well he won’t want it. R___ would sooner starve than actually cook something for himself.

What do you think is going on here? What is the best way to handle this situation? I know it sounds petty. I don't want to waste any more effort on making a situation worse.

Appreciate your time,

J.

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Hi J.,

You’re definitely not alone. Children's nutrition is a sore topic in many households. Many parents are distressed by what their children eat — or don't eat. However, most kids get plenty of variety and nutrition in their diets over the course of a week. So don’t become alarmed. Until your child's food preferences mature, prevent mealtime battles one bite at a time. Here’s how:

1. Be patient with new foods. Children often touch or smell new foods, and may even put tiny bits in their mouths and then take them back out again. Your child may need repeated exposure to a new food before he takes the first bite.

2. Be sneaky. Add chopped broccoli or green peppers to spaghetti sauce, top cereal with fruit slices, or mix grated zucchini and carrots into casseroles and soups.

3. Boycott the clean plate club. Don't force your child to clean his plate. This may only ignite — or reinforce — a power struggle over food. Instead, allow your child to stop eating when he is full.

4. Don't expect too much. After age 2, slower growth often reduces a child's appetite. A few bites may be all it takes for your child to feel full.

5. Don't offer dessert as a reward. Withholding dessert sends the message that dessert is the best food, which may only increase your child's desire for sweets. You might select one or two nights a week as dessert nights, and skip dessert the rest of the week. Or redefine dessert as fruit, yogurt or other healthy choices.

6. Eat breakfast for dinner. Who says cereal or pancakes are only for breakfast? The distinction between breakfast, lunch and dinner foods may be lost on your child.

7. Expect some food preferences to stick. As kids mature, they tend to become less picky about food. Still, everyone has food preferences. Don't expect your child to like everything.

8. Keep an eye on the clock. Nix juice and snacks for at least one hour before meals. If your child comes to the table hungry, he may be more motivated to eat.

9. Keep it separate. If your child isn't a fan of various ingredients thrown together, you might "unmix" the food. Place sandwich fixings outside the bread, or serve the ingredients of a salad, casserole or stir-fry separately.

10. Know when to seek help. If your child is energetic and growing -- he is probably doing fine. Consult your child's doctor if you're concerned that picky eating is compromising your child's growth and development or if certain foods seem to make your child ill.

11. Leave taste out of it. Talk about a food's color, shape, aroma and texture — not whether it tastes good.

12. Limit liquid calories. Low-fat or fat-free dairy products and 100 percent fruit juice can be important parts of a healthy diet — but if your child fills up on milk or juice, he or she may have no room for meals or snacks.

13. Make it fun. Serve broccoli and other veggies with a favorite dip or sauce. Cut foods into various shapes with cookie cutters.

14. Minimize distractions. Turn off the television during meals, and don't allow books or toys at the table.

15. Recruit your child's help. At the grocery store, ask your child to help you select fruits, vegetables and other healthy foods. Don't buy anything that you don't want your child to eat. At home, encourage your child to help you rinse veggies, stir batter or set the table.

16. Respect your child's hunger — or lack thereof. Children tend to eat only when they're hungry. If your child isn't hungry, don't force a meal or snack.

17. Set a good example. If you eat a variety of healthy foods, your child is more likely to follow suit.

18. Start small. Offer several foods in small portions. Let your child choose what he eats.

19. Stay calm. If your child senses that you're unhappy with his eating habits, it may become a battle of wills. Threats and punishments only reinforce the power struggle.

20. Stick to the routine. Serve meals and snacks at about the same times every day. If the kitchen is closed at other times, your child may be more likely to eat what's served for meals and snacks.

Your child's eating habits won't likely change overnight. But the small steps you take each day can help promote a lifetime of healthy eating.

Good luck,

Mark

Online Parent Support

I am not able to reach him...

Dear Mark,

I stumbled across your web page last night after yet another devastating episode of frustration. J___ is my second child and has so very much to offer. He is very fun loving, but has struggled with self control and discipline for many years. He is twelve years old and I am so very afraid that we are now beginning to damage him. I see that he thinks we are all against him, he believes that he is flawed and struggles with good decision making. We have three other children full time and two that are here every second weekend. It has gotten to the point where we have become unable to enjoy family outings because of his behaviour.

I have studied children’s development for many years and have many certificates and degrees in Early Childhood Education and Psychology. I am not able to reach him and I am so afraid for the dynamics of our family and his stability.

I ordered your ebook and am anticipating positive results. I am so very hopeful that your program will effect change in our lives.

Thanks!

Lori

My Out-of-Control Child

I am very angry that he did not stay in his room...

"Mark - My 12 year old son was rude and disrespectful and lied to me today so i grounded him for the evening, he continued to yell and shout so i sent him to his room - and he just walked out the house. At this point I am hoping he will come back at a sensible time and i am very angry that he did not stay in his room and also scared that if grounding him doesn't work anymore i have no other method of discipline left that has ever worked or that he cares about."

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In the future—

Re: yelling and shouting. Tell him he’s grounded for 24 hours with no privileges (i.e., no computer, phone, TV, video games, etc.) – and the 24-hour discipline does not start until he stops yelling and shouting. Then let him decide when to start the clock. As soon as he stops yelling, look at the clock, write down the time, and tell him he will be ungrounded in exactly 24 hours from that time. If he starts yelling again, the clock starts over.

Re: walking out on a discipline. Tell him that, in the future, if he walks out on a one-day discipline, it automatically becomes a 3-day discipline, which doesn’t start until he returns home. Also, while he is away, you will be confiscating quite a few of his cherished possessions -- and you will call the police and file a run away charge. The next time he walks out on a one-day discipline, follow through with what you told him you would do.

All bite – no bark. This is serious business. If you, the parent, cannot muster up the tough love described above, then you’re not working the program as intended – and you will not be successful in helping your child make better choices.

For more info on this subject, please refer to the section of the eBook entitled “When You Want Something From Your Kid” [Anger Management Chapter – Online Version].

Mark

 

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents