Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...?

Hi Mark,

I found your website in my search for guidance on handling rage-filled, rebellious teens. I am sure I'm not in a unique situation, (though it feels like it) and wondered if your information would help when it's a divided home setting.

To make a long story somewhat shorter, my husband got custody of his 4 children when his youngest was 3. Their mother walked out on them. I married him when she was 5, and was mother to all of the kids. The 2 oldest refused to see their bio mom (at about ages 13 and 14 - she mentally and physically abused them, alcoholic, addicted to prescriptions due to a back injury, you get the picture). The middle child saw bio-mom about 40 days a year (per parenting agreement) until she was 13 then refused to see her (drunk, bringing strange men over, etc.). Our youngest, out of all the children though, has steadfastly seen bio-mom, and 2 years ago wanted to start living there 1/2 time and with us 1/2 time when she was 11. She is now 13.

She has been struggling with her sexuality, and has had major upheavals with her friends. She is full of anger and if anyone (family or friend) does something she doesn't like, or agree with, she explodes. A "girlfriend" apparently liked another girl, and that set her off and she downed 10 Tylenol, then told us, so she was taken to the ER and then to a psychiatric hospital for a few days. During that stay, she announced she wanted her mother to be her legal guardian and to live there full time. This was at the end of November of last year.

During this whole timeframe, and months previously, she's been in therapy for counseling. It's not doing any good. The therapist will say she won't accept responsibility for any of her behaviors or any of her actions. And if she doesn't want to get better, she won't.

About 10 days after she got out of the psychiatric hospital, she was at our house. And she lied one lie too many. My husband and she had a major blow-up and he was tired of the disrespect. She threatened to run away, and he thought "take her to her mother's or have to call the police". So he took her to her mother's. And though we've tried repeatedly to have sessions with her, with the counselor, trying to arrange family dinners (she has siblings that she is also not seeing and rarely talking to as well), all she does is blame us. We kicked her out. We don't love her. Yadda. But we also know that she is at her mother's because there is no discipline at all. She hangs with the wrong crowd over there, her mother is on morphine and about 4 other "prescribed" meds so is in zombie land most of the time, her grades are the worst they've ever been (currently flunking 4 classes), and of course, we're to blame because we kicked her out of the house. She's getting into in school suspensions, being disrespectful to her teachers, etc.

The therapist says for my husband (as our daughter's rage is directed at him personally) to continue reaching out to her as it takes away her excuse -- if we are trying to see her and she's the one refusing, then she can't blame us. I guess that is the theory anyway.

My dilemma is this: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you, and who are being (I think brainwashed) by the ex-spouse who is just as angry and bitter at being divorced, and having 3 of her children do to her what this last one is doing to us? To me, our youngest daughter is a possession for her. A prize. A way to get additional monies from us each month. The bio mom wants to be the cool mom. The friend. The come hang at our house mom. The mom who lets high school kids take her child in their car and our daughter doesn't even know them -- but hey, they are a ride to a school event because zombie mom can't drive her. Sorry, I digress.

Can one-sided attempts by us using your information somehow get through to our daughter? All we can do is email or text her, and she doesn't respond. She is sinking fast, is on medication herself for depression, and I'm just at my wits end. Therapy is a joke and she's heading for disaster. Her sisters say she's a punk and they are tired of her b.s. and don't want to even talk to her. And if they do, it's all about safe subjects.

If you have any ideas, or even direction you can point me to for help, I'd SURE appreciate it.

Thanks so much in advance for your time and help,

B.

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Hi Beth,

Re: Does your material work on kids who don't live with you...

If your child does not live with you, but is dependent on you financially, partially or fully -- the program will work. Otherwise, it probably won't.

Mark

Online Parent Support

Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable?

 Hi Mark, Thank you so much for your reply and suggestions. They all sound very reasonable and sound. We have been very happy about J___'s attitude and although still skeptical, as he can sweet talk us at time, it is looking good. Our initial 1st assignment talk went well with both our Sons. We did it seperately due to a surprising incident with our 21 year old son. We planned to sit down with both of them on Sunday where schedules permit a time when we can all gather.

Friday night, P___ announced his plan to get a tatoo at the same time his girlfriend is getting one (on her 18th birthday, her parents don't like it but did not forbid it) Our ban on tatoos and piercings while they live under our roof, has always been all very open and steadfast. So we were confronted with this situation. When I stood my ground, our calm ever respectful son erupted! His reaction was just like we would expect from J___. He was shocked and we were as well. We kept our poker faces on. He managed to end the conversation with a very respectful " I understand where you are coming from and I will take it into consideration" Then he walked away and barely spoke to us until we had our talk with him today. Saturday he did tell his Dad that he was not getting the tatoo but did not know if he could live here any longer. Today he said, when we started with the apology.. that he had no complaints about our parenting VS J___ who thanked us for our apolgy. He said he liked living with us, so guess My husband does not get his office right away :)

P___ is had been making plans to move out this Summer. Our next step with him in our new parenting program... Rent and Home duties. For J___, we are taking issues as they come. He has been grounded for a while for his grades, tardies, lying et (old rules). He now has a home project (painting our well house) and when completed his grounding will be done. We have not mentioned or nagged about when he is going to do it... it's all in his control and although not finished yet.....it will be when he decides. His time on the computer has been limited and we bought software to monitor his use. He will gain more time as he proves he can stay within the current rules of the Computer.

I know this is getting long but wanted to share with you our experience thus far. I do have one more question at this time. We had set for P___ and now for J___ that they had to attain & maintain a B average to drive. P___ no problem... J___ another story. J___ just turned 16 on March 17th and currently does not have the grades to qualify. He has his permit and gets some driving each week. Is this a hard and fast rule we should stick to or is this not reasonable? Again, Thank You Thank You... We feel we are moving at a better pace than hoped for. At the moment... J___ is sweet and P___ is talking to us again. .... Happy Days.. I'll take'm! A.

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Hi A.,

Two points:

1) Your 21-year-old really should be out on his own by now.

2) Re: driving. Self-reliance is key. When you are undecided about what to say or do in any particular situation, always ask yourself the following question:

“Will this action that I'm about to take promote the development of self-reliance in my child, or will it inhibit such development?”

If what you are about to say or do is supportive of self-reliance, say it or do it. If it is not supportive, don’t!

Having the ability to drive oneself to and from school, work, etc, is a form of self-reliance, and withholding such ability promotes dependency (you have to take him places). 

 

Therefore, he should be able to drive until he abuses the privilege, in which case he loses the privilege for 1 – 3 days depending on the seriousness of the violation.

==> My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents

How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Hi Mark,

First let me say that my husband and I feel that finding your website and ordering your ebook have been heaven sent. We will have our sit down discussion with our two boys, P___ 21 and J___ 16. We have already started the poker face and requesting a task or chore when they request a privilege. It has shown great results already and I hope paved the way a bit into our family talk.

J (16) was the one we were having anger issues with, P has always been very sweet...we realize now.... both were used to manipulate us. I would have never considered myself indulgent until I read your definition… oh boy am I!

I know I will have more questions for you as we go along but I have one now that I could really use some suggestions on.

J has a friend who has dropped out of school, no job and we feel not a good influence at all. He is from a broken family and just went to live with Dad, but that fell apart very quickly and he is back.... We thought our prayers were answered with him leaving the state. How do you suggest handling an unwanted friend?

Thank you in advance for taking the time to reply and thank you so much for the wonderful counseling you are offering to help us Desperate Parents,

A. and M.

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Hi A.,

You may not be comfortable about your son's choice of friend. This may be because of his image, negative attitude, or serious behavior (e.g., alcohol use, drug use, truancy, violence, sexual behaviors, etc.).

Here are some suggestions:

• Check whether your concern about his friend is real and important.
•  Do not attack your son's friend. Remember that criticizing his choice of friends is like a personal attack.
• Encourage reflective thinking by helping him think about his actions in advance and discussing immediate and long-term consequences of risky behavior.
• Encourage his independence by supporting decision-making based on principles and not other people.
• Get to know this friend if possible. Invite him into your home so you can talk and listen to him, and introduce yourself to his parents.
• Help your son understand the difference between image (expressions of youth culture) and identity (who he really is).
• If you believe your concerns are serious, talk to your son about his behavior and choices -- not the friend.
• Keep the lines of communication open and find out why this friend is so important to your son.
• Let your son know of your concerns and feelings.
• Remember that we all learn valuable lessons from mistakes.

No matter what kind of peer influence your teen faces, he must learn how to balance the value of going along with the crowd (connection) against the importance of making principle-based decisions (independence).

And you must ensure that your teen knows that he is loved and valued as an individual at home.

Mark

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