re: "I cannot allow the violent behavior to continue..."

Mark, Well, M______'s final court date was set for this Thursday (we were told by the PO she was recommending release from probation). We have had some difficulties over the past 5 months he was in the intensive probation program, but we felt we were handling them well. M______ was even accepting our consequences better with less/minimal anger.

Or so we thought. We had a family graduation yesterday that M was told about at least a month ago. He was told to not schedule himself to work. His g'friend was invited. (The graduates sister was also planning on asking him to be an usher at her wedding in July so he knew it was important to be there). Well, he has 2 jobs. He was scheduled to work. His Dad (friend of the manager) arranged for M to have the day off. M needed the income to pay off his debts (he pays his own car insurance, overages on his phone, and now a "bad driver fee" from a recent speeding ticket. He also is in dept for gas money). His Dad and he agreed on a yard project for the equivalent hours/money. He was to perform the work Sunday before the graduation. He also has been told if he cannot pay his insurance/phone bill by the due date, he loses them until paid. He passed the due date, but was given until the end of the month.

M slept in until almost noon. Not motivated to start the yard project. Told he was not using the car until job was done (this would have settled the amount owed, but not gas debt or "bad driver" fee). He was "on call" at the other job. He has NEVER had to work on a "call in" day. He tells his Dad (I'm out) that he has to work. Dad says no your not. M insists. Dad says no car use. I come home and back up Dad. M starts to insist on taking the car. We still say no. He then proceeds to put his head (then foot/fist) through the drywall. There are now 9 holes in 4 different rooms in the house. 2 of these were repaired/painted less than 6 months ago from previous damage. Police called. PO called and left message (this was a Sunday). I called this job and let them know M would not be in to work there anymore. Police talked with M. He calmed down by the time they arrived. We (parents) chose to let PO/referee handle it (court already scheduled Thursday). He was told to give up phone (finally did) by us as he lost the privilege of using/having it due to behavior. 

 

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He was told to stay home, he said he was just going to cool off for 15-20 minutes (we were told by counselor and PO to let him do this when angry). Well, you guessed it, he met up with another boy we/courts have forbid him to see and he came home 2 1/2 hrs later (cannot prove he was with this boy, but only one on his phone call record). He was home by 7pm and curfew is 9:30. He/husband/I did not go to graduation. (Older and younger sons went). Took computer and PSP when gone. When he came home he was still doing things--dumped a whole pitcher of water on the floor (stating filling the dog's bowl but obviously doing on purpose), ripped up all my mail (bills) that were on the table ready to be mailed, started to rip up younger brothers "thank-you cards" from his birthday, eating/making mess in the bedroom, sleeping in younger brothers bed and wouldn't get out, etc. Was told his consequence would start when he began to follow the house rules.

Did go to school this am (I drove--don't feel I should but only 6 more days for this year and I don't want him to blow his grades [all A's and B's]).

He also stated this morning we would not see him until 9:30pm tonight when his curfew was when he was told to come straight home from school and call on the house phone (refused a ride home from me). Still awaiting the PO to call. Don't believe he will get off probation now (we don't want him to). He is in an intensive probation program. He feels that the court will not keep him as he is 17. We do not want him in our home any longer. We have tried your program, the intensive probation, a therapist, and it seemed like we were making progress and now this (we were feeling pretty good actually). We are in debt over this child and will take a few thousand dollars to fix our home, but are willing to shoulder more financially for a program for him as we don't think he can/should stay in our home.

I know that I'm venting, and sorry, but do you think he will be placed in a long-term program or will we have to allow him to stay? This began at 15 and now he's 17 and 4 mos. If he does stay, how do we work the program? I do not think he should have a cell phone, lap-top, or use of a car AT LEAST until his debts are paid (and now this includes house repair). We don't owe him these things and he certainly has not earned them. He can earn land line phone privileges and being able to go out. I cannot allow the violent behavior to continue. Other children in the home are being affected by this.

Any information/advice would be great.

Thanks.

J.

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Hi J.,

Just think how bad things might have been had you not used some of your new parenting strategies.

First of all – great job! You are really working the program. It’s tough – I know.

As I’m sure you know, your son needs to help pay for the damage.

Don’t worry about cell phones and laptops right now. Let’s step back and look at the bigger picture. In the bigger picture, (a) you need to have your son living elsewhere – soon, and (b) he needs to have the ability to live out in the real world. Thus, your mission at this point should be to begin making plans for his launch.

Mark

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She had the most amazing temper tantrum...

Hi Mark, Another question from Australia (I have SO many questions)! M__ and I are in the process of starting up some chores and allowing A__ to earn some money from the non-mandatory ones. We thought we'd have a rule where the mandatory ones had to be done first and then there would be the capacity to earn money from other chores. If the mandatory ones are not done, then there is no pocket money for the week. Is this OK? Can we put a caveat on her spending like no lollies, fizzy drinks or junk food-her behavior is so much worse if she has these things-she can buy books, toys clothes or save some for example?

More...

re: "Granddaughter is possessed by a demon?"

Dear Mark. On trying your technique for my granddaughter B__, my daughter found some good responses - as I previously mentioned. However, after a couple of weeks B__ got worse, far worse. Now she simply takes off and we don’t hear from her for days. Although only 14 she gets around seemingly without money. My daughter has taken all her clothes from her so she cannot go out, but even then B__ finds something and clears out. She has become more violent with her mother. Currently, B__ has been at large for two days with only the bare clothes she was in and without money.

We have had the police looking for her on the previous occasion and probably will have to do the same again. My daughter took B__ to the police station where B__ was given a real dressing-down, but she refused to look the officer in the eye and during the time she turned and said to her mother, “I f.....-well hate you.” I understand that this type of behaviour is becoming frequent around Australia, especially with young girls in that age bracket. I don’t know much about this, but if someone said to me that B__ is possessed by a demon, I could well think that true. Do you have any comments on the above? My compliments. ~ A.C.

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Hi A.,

When parents begin to implement appropriate discipline for broken house rules, some children may respond by threatening to runaway from home if they do not get their way. Some do run away. If this occurs, parents should defuse the situation, but NOT threaten or challenge the child.

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For example: Daughter, you know that I cannot control you. And if you really want to run away from home, I cannot stop you. I cannot watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in the house. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established these house rules. Because I love you, I cannot stand by and watch you hurt yourself by _______________ (e.g., not going to school, using drugs or alcohol, destroying house property), and running away from home will not solve the problem. You and I know it will only make matters worse.

Teens who run away are not bad. They have made a bad decision. They got themselves caught up in pressures that they felt the need to escape from. Instead of facing their problem and solving it, they chose to run from it. We need to teach our teen how to face their problems, even if the problem is us. When they have the right tools to fix some of the things that may be going on in their lives, the pressure lessens, and there is no more need for them to escape.

Every teen either has tried or knows another teen who has run away. I haven't met a teen yet who didn't know of someone's experience of running away. This can be a real problem, considering most teens will glamorize the experience.

Parents of teens who run away are not bad parents. You cannot lock them in. As much as you would like to build a wall around them, it is their choice whether or not to walk out the door.

If your teens runs:

• Call the Police, IMMEDIATELY! Don't wait 24 hours, do it right away.
• Ask investigators to enter your child into the National Crime Information Center (NCIC) Missing Persons File. There is no waiting period for entry into NCIC for children under age 18. You should have something like this in Australia.
• Get the name and badge number of the officer you speak with.
• Call back often.
• Call everyone your child knows and enlist their help.
• Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
• Search your teens room for anything that may give you a clue as to where he went.
• You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls they may have made recently.

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When your teen comes home:

Take a break from each other. Do not start talking about it right away. Your emotions are too high at this point to get anywhere in a conversation. Go two separate directions until you both have gotten some rest.

Ask and Listen. Why did they leave? You may want to evaluate a rule or two after speaking with them, but do not do so while having this talk. Tell them you are willing to think about it, and you will let them know.

Tell them how you felt about them going. Let them know that they hurt you by leaving. Let them know that there isn't a problem that can't solve. If they ever feel that running away might solve something, have them talk to you first. You could always offer other choices, so they can make a better decision.

Get some help. If this isn't the first time or you have problems communicating when they get back, it's time to ask for help. This could be a person that your child respects (e.g., an aunt or uncle), or you may want to seek professional help.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

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