School Refusal

I will admit to being an over indulgent parent (initial score of 75), however, after viewing your first week of sessions, I would like to know if you address my particular situation of an overly dramatic teenage girl who repeatedly "makes" herself too ill to attend high school? She cajoles, manipulates, and at a time of day when we all need to get to work, and have little time for such events. Nine times out of ten she wins. This characteristic needs to be modified in order to get her on a more goal-oriented track toward success in her career and future relationships.

Thank you for your e-book. It applies a logic system to solving this persuasive teenage dilemma in the US :)

Regards,

E.

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Hi E.,

Re: I would like to know if you address my particular situation of an overly dramatic teenage girl who repeatedly "makes" herself too ill to attend high school?

You’ll find a strategy to resolve this issue in Session #3. However, I would caution you to work the program as intended (one week at a time). If you leap to Session #3 without laying down the groundwork in Sessions #1 and #2, you will run the risk of failing with this program. Having said this, I’ll elaborate a bit regarding your daughter’s anxiety about school.

Parents can do several things to help their child who refuses to attend school:

· Firmly getting the child to school regularly and on time will help (see “When You Want Something From Your Kid” – Session #3). Not prolonging the goodbyes can help as well. Sometimes it works best if someone else can take the child to school after the parent or caregiver says goodbye at home.

· It truly helps to believe that the child will get over this problem; discuss this with the child (the parent or caregiver needs to convince himself or herself of this before trying to convince the child).

· Listening to the child's actual concerns and fears of going to school is important. Some of the reasons for refusing to attend school may include another child at school who is a bully, problems on the bus or carpool ride to school, or fears of inability to keep up with the other students in the classroom; these issues can be addressed if they are known. On the other hand, making too big a deal of school refusal may promote the child's behavior to continue.

· Supportive counseling is often made available at school in these circumstances so as to minimize reinforcement of school avoidant behaviors and to prevent secondary gain from school refusal and should be encouraged for any student who wishes to have it. If the child simply refuses to go to school, some parents have found that decreasing the reward for staying home helps, for example, do not allow video games or television, or find out what work is being done in the school and provide similar education at home, when possible. This is especially if the "illness" seems to disappear once the child is allowed to stay at home.

· The parent or caregiver should reassure the child that he or she will be there upon the child's return from school; this should be repeated over and over, if necessary. Let the child know that the parent or caregiver will be doing "boring stuff" at home during the school day. Always be on time to pick the child up from school if you provide transportation rather than a school bus.

· Whenever events occur that could tend to cause students to miss school (for example, traumatic events such as terrorism, school shootings, or other traumas) all attempts should be made to help students return promptly to school and to help them to feel safe at school.

In addition to parental intervention, teachers and school staff should help the student identify and recognize the triggers for school refusal.

Many children with school refusal have an earlier history of separation anxiety, social anxiety, or depression. Undiagnosed learning disabilities or reading disorders may also play a significant role in the development of school refusal.

Signs of a psychiatric disorder called separation anxiety disorder can include the following:

· Excessive reluctance to be alone at any time
· Excessive worry about losing a parent; excessive worry that a parent might be harmed
· Persistent refusal to go to sleep without a parent or other caretaker present
· Repeated complaints of physical symptoms whenever the child is about to leave a significant parental figure
· School refusal

These behaviors must begin before the child is aged 18 years, must last for 4 weeks or longer, and must cause serious problems with academic, social, or other functioning in order to be called a disorder.

Some commonly cited reasons for refusal to attend school include the following:

· A death in the family of a friend of the child
· A parent being ill
· Being bullied by another child
· Feeling lost (especially in a new school)
· Jealousy over a new brother or sister at home
· Moving from one house to another during the first years of elementary school
· Not getting along with a teacher or classmates
· Not having friends
· Parents separating, having marital problems, or having frequent arguments
· Parents worrying about the child in some way (e.g., poor health)

Helpful tools to confirm the diagnosis of an anxiety disorder and the level of impairment include the following:

· Children's Global Rating Scale
· The Child Behavior Checklist (CBCL)
· The Children's Manifest Anxiety Scale


I hope this helps,

Mark

Punishment or Discipline? What works best?

Hi S.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Thank-you once again for your guidance Mark. As I read the letters from other parents, it is interesting that so many of the answers go back to the program although with variations. I did not realize until recently that all of these letters are available to read…including the ones that I send! I suggest that you email all of your on-line customers and give them the link to this part of the program at the onset. In my opinion, this would be a good resource and may reduce the amount of questions that you get.

== > Good idea! Thanks.

==> Join Online Parent Support

On that note!

I would appreciate your opinion on whether the following are “punishment” or “discipline” as I find the two are not as well defined as I need.

Scenario One: His car has been taken away indefinitely as he does not have a job to pay for the gas and insurance. We also tied this to his attendance at school. He will be done school this month so thought we should tie it to the job alone. Has not had car for 2 weeks. Punishment or Discipline?

== > Discipline.

We preferably take things away for no more than 7 days. He could earn money for gas by doing chores around the house. Also, try to make the discipline fit the “crime” (i.e., kid’s poor choice). I don’t see a good connection between “school attendance” and “lose of driving privileges” (maybe you have a good rationale though).

Whenever you are undecided about what to do, simply ask yourself “Will this foster the development of self-reliance in my child – or will it inhibit such development?” If it fosters self-reliance, you made a good decision. Thus, does withholding driving privileges foster or inhibit self-reliance? Answer: It inhibits it (other people have to drive him to wherever he needs to go).

Scenario Two: His cell phone was taken away as the bills were double the agreed to cost. We agree to pay for the phone (at the agreed to rate) until he is 18. He needs to do chores to pay us back for bill. Has not had cell phone for 2 weeks. Punishment or Discipline?

== > Discipline.

Punishment is what parents do when they are ‘pissed’ at their kid. Parents punish when they seek revenge (e.g., spank, slap, psychological disapproval, isolation from others, yelling, cussing, threatening, getting angry).

Discipline is the process of teaching a child the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Good discipline should be a positive force focusing on what a child is allowed to do. The goal of discipline is to help a child change impulsive, random behavior into controlled, purposeful behavior, and discipline should be reinforced with teaching, firmness, and reminders.

Do you think it is reasonable to give him his car to look for jobs and have him earn the gas required to do this?

== > Yes.

I want to ensure the discipline is relative to the crime in these cases as want him to learn from this.

Thanks

== > You are very welcome!

==> Join Online Parent Support