Should I tell the probation officer?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

Just wanted to let you know how appreciative my husband and I are for your website. We are a committed christian family that is dealing with a 15 yr. old ADHD daughter with oppositionality. I am in the process of reading your ebook. You won't be surprised to hear that for the past 2 years she has been to a pychiatrist and counselors to deal with her challenges and anger - she can sometimes be explosive. These behaviors manifested as a toddler and she was a difficult baby. We have 3 others kids who don't struggle with these challenges although the pain, heartache and despair we at times experience as parents does not go unnoticed by the other three.

A few months back my daughter hit me after being put on concerta, which made her very irritable. It is no excuse, but I called the cops and they "arrested" her. I called her doctor and we took her off the meds. We went to court, she was put on probation and comm. service.

Inside this kid has christian convictions and stands up for what she believes. She lies alot but I do believe that shes not on drugs, drinking or having sex which she yells at us about and thinks she is a good kid because of it. OK, but its her behavior...and she just doesn't get it. Her disrespect is thru the roof, etc. Recently, I went on her IM log and found out she decieved me by saying she was sleeping at her friends house...I said I need to talk to the parent to confirm...so she has her friend's parent call me, which in reality was one of her guy friends posing as a father. She had been to a all-nite party …we later found out thru the log. My question is should I tell the probation officer?

She also told us she was going to bed early one nite, which was strange so I went up an hour later only to find she snuck out and stuffed her bed. Someone said "what kid hasn't done that.” Needless to say we punished her. Texting on the phone, Facebook and some social life has been taken away....My main goal for her is to learn and succeed, do need to tell her probation officer the whole thing? I worried about what will happen. She has been trying harder in other ways. she is seeing her counselor regularly. I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean. She doesn't hang out with bad kids. (You wouldn't believe all the friends she has for an ADHDer) all her friends come from good families. No one knows she is on probation or anything else (not even her grandparents who we are really close to because it would devastate them.)

I apologize for the length of this email. It is difficult because you cannot talk to other parents about these things, and I needed to tell you. Thanks again for your website, I am going thru it with a fine-toothed comb! It is a God-send.

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question is should I tell the probation officer?

Absolutely! You want to (a) model the truth and (b) hold her accountable. Just report it – and tell your daughter that you will always have a commitment to the truth. This is a relatively minor problem – and I’m sure her PO will see it that way too.

Re: I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean.

I have to be honest with you here. This statement sounds like one that would come from an indulgent parent. Be careful “feeling sorry” for your child. This will work against both you and her. You don’t do your daughter any favors by trying to save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices.

No half measures,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot ...

Hi Mark

My husband and I started watching the videos and read the ebook. My son left me a note saying that he would be home at 12:30 a.m. tonight Curfew is 12:00 I did the 4 step in the fighting fairly with him when I called his cell phone. He asked if he could stay the night and I went through the steps. Then he said well tomorrow I am going to stay at someone's house, I don't know who's yet. I said we would talk later about this. I have the feeling that the reason he wants to stay out is so that he can get stoned on pot and not have to come home and for me to rag him out about this. Last week he was at friends all week when we were on holidays, after he told our friends that he didn't want to stay at their home. My friend J__ said that her son M__ told C___ the first day the hey if you had a couple of beers not a problem with my mom just do not come home falling down drunk but do not come in the house stoned and she feels that is why he took off from her place and went and stayed and someone else's house. Some of these parents have no clue that the kids in this group of friends are smoking up in the backyard or at the neighbourhood playground at night and then they come in and go to the basement and crash.

What do I do now with this sleep over issue, when he says this week he is staying at someone's home. Alot of the friends are working full time and some of them have told me that they are distancing themselves from him because of what he is into and that he is becoming aggressive but there are others that would let him stay.

What is the plan?

Thanks for your help.

A.

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Hi A.,

You will want to use the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [Session #3 - Week #3]. But I would discourage you from leaping ahead and working out of sequence.

Also, be sure to look at the section entitled "Read these Emails from Exasperated Parents" [Session #4]. Alcohol & drug abuse is addressed in that section.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Do you think a camp would help?

I just ordered your OPS e-book and have been going over it. Our 17 YO son is very rebellious and demanding. He is very materialistic but is not motivated to work for his "stuff". We have tried many techniques but haven't found any that work. We are indulgent parents and he fits your model. We will implement your techniques but feel more may be needed and we were thinking about a camp. We think the separation from us may be helpful and will open his eyes. Today is his birthday and we have yet to come up with a plan because of his behavior yesterday when he told my wife to shut up when she made him get off the computer and refused to give him more free time because he did not do his small chores. Do you think a camp would help?

He was diagnosed as ADHD by an Army doctor, but a later analysis by a psychologist revealed he only had a motivation problem. He gets in a lot of trouble at school to include smoking and hanging out with the wrong crowd. We have had to limit his music listening because it sounds very violent. I am rambling so will sign off but interested in your view. We will order the CDs to listen to while driving.

Sincerely,

C.,

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Hi C.,

Re: Do you think a camp would help?

I don’t think it would hurt. But sending a child to camp is just another traditional parenting strategy that will have very little bang for your buck.

Re: He was diagnosed as ADHD by an Army doctor, but a later analysis by a psychologist revealed he only had a motivation problem.

This is just 2 different names for the same problem (i.e., your son is only motivated to do that which he has an interest in).

I would encourage you to simply work the program for now – one week at a time – and nothing more. Then see how things are going in about 3 – 4 weeks.

I know you want a break FROM your son, but now you have the tools you need to set up a better parent-child relationship such that you won’t need a time-out away from him.

Mark

P.S. ==> BE SURE to watch ALL the Instructional Videos!!!

My Out-of-Control Teen