I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical...

Hi S.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark -

I just signed onto your program last week and have a situation going on that I just do not know what to do.

I have a 14 year old girl using drugs and on the run most of the time.

== > First of all, don't threaten her. Avoid the temptation to say things like, "If you walk out that door, I'm calling the cops" or "If you leave, you're grounded for a month." or "Fine, go ahead and run ...I'll pack your shit and you can go live with your dad."

Instead say, "You know that I can't control you -- and if you really want to run away from home, I can't stop you. I can't watch you 24 hours a day, and I can’t lock you up in your room. But no one in the world loves you the way I do. That is why we have established some house rules. Running away from home will not solve any problems. You and I know it will only make matters worse."

If your daughter follows through with her threat to run away, do the following:

1. Call the police. Don't wait 24 hours -- do it right away.
2. Get the name of the officer you speak with.
3. Call back often.
4. Call everyone your daughter knows and enlist their help.
5. Search everywhere, but do not leave your phone unattended.
6. Search your daughter's room for anything that may give you a clue as to where she went.
7. You may also want to check your phone bill for any calls she made in the last few weeks.

When she comes home, wait until you and she are calmed down before you address the matter. Then say (with your best poker face), "When you ran away, I felt worried and afraid. But I have an obligation to protect you. Therefore, if you choose to run away again, you'll choose the consequence -- runaway charges will be filed and a juvenile probation officer will want to meet with you."

If your daughter runs again, follow through with this consequence.

I am writing to you now because she came home last evening (walked past us and went to bed). I cluelessly have said or done nothing yet. History says she will dismiss me no matter how friendly my approach. The trigger for her last run a couple weeks ago was when she returned from her previous run and I invited her to go along on a trip to the vet with our dog. She went for the bedroom door to dismiss me.

I have been very passive in my approach with her knowing that she could probably kick my butt if a confrontation turned physical. Deciding not to act from fear, I have begun self-defense and Taekwon-do classes. My decision was no longer to allow her verbal abuse. So with this I pushed open the bedroom door and said calling me names in my home would not be tolerated. She got passed me, and did get a good slap in as she went on a cursing, ranting and raving mission, grabbing what I think was her drug stash in the back yard and vowing never to return (of course she always does for some clean clothes and a sleeping binge).

This was until very recently my "good" child. Her sister, now 17 will be returning from a Dual Diag. Correctional Facility (Severe Drug Add w/ Bi-polar, ODD, etc) in August. She successfully completed the program in a year after being in Juvenile Detention for 6 Mos. To date, all signs are that she is doing exceptionally well. Recently, as it gets closer to A___ coming home and all of us hoping for a fresh start, the younger daughter has gone out of her way to insist that I am a fool and A___ will come home and do what she always does.

Until a couple months ago, the younger daughter, S___, prided herself in being the smart, over achieving superstar daughter. Over the past year there were 2 incidents that may have been red flags, but I didn't catch them due to her history.

When school got out in May, she began staying out late and taking off to surrounding towns. I told her she was going to have to either get involved in an activity or get a summer job. She told me there would be no way, confessed to smoking weed and after my lecturing the consequences of her choices, she reminded me that there's not a F thing I can do about it and the running began.

She knows that it takes a long time (2 years for her sister) before ANYTHING happens. The police are reluctant to do anything, and here in FLA, short of them getting an arrest history, the rest is a song and dance as you get passed from one agency to the next.

I completely understand the problems that probably led to the mess with my daughters. We've done the counseling, I've soul searched and have made peace with God - but now what???? I've given it to God and one source he's led me to is you. What do I do NOW?

I hope you can give me something that can make a difference today.

==> If her drug use has been purely recreational, you may only need to clearly state your position regarding abstinence and then closely monitor her behavior. If she is more deeply into substance abuse, seek the advice of a behavioral health or substance abuse professional.

Don't show any emotions of anger or fear, and don't lose your good poker face -- but do send a strong message that drug and alcohol use is not acceptable. Don't lecture, be clear, and keep your message short and to the point.

Develop a list of names, addresses, and phone numbers of her friends. Get to know those kids if possible. Form a network with the parents of her peers. Keep in touch with one another. Don't be surprised if other parents don't share your concern about substance abuse.

Check her whereabouts regularly. Don't be shocked if you find that another parent is using drugs with her, allows substance-abusing parties at their home, or is supplying the kids with drugs and alcohol. If you learn that one of her friends is involved in drugs, don't keep it a secret from his/her parents.

Restrict or eliminate use of the car, take away cell phones, and limit unsupervised free time until she is committed to being "clean and sober." An out-of-control kid wants freedom more than anything -- let her know that freedom is earned.

If she wants to spend the night at a friend’s house, check with the other parent to make sure she has permission. Also make sure the other parent will be home, and determine if the other parent has the same curfew and expectations you do.

Kids often select homes of absent parents for sleep-overs and all-night drug/alcohol parties. Make sure she is not sneaking out after you go to bed. Nothing good happens after midnight.

Get Caller ID and Anonymous Call Rejection on the phone line that she uses so that you know who is calling her. Require that she call home from a "land line" phone so that the location she is calling from appears on your Caller ID.

Find out where she is getting the money to purchase drugs (e.g., your ATM card, wallet, money you give for an allowance, lunches, gas, etc.). Don't be surprised if you find she is stealing from you or others to finance his drug use.

Purchase urine-screen kits to use at home and test her randomly.

Tell her the following: "If you choose to use drugs, you'll choose the consequence -- the police will be called and juvenile probation will be notified."

If she continues to use drugs, follow through with this consequence.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I am just hanging on!

Hi Mark

Well I did not skip to lesson #3 I am just hanging on!

I told C___ issue lesson #1 tips on what I needed him to do etc. not using the you and steps in lesson #1 and everything the first night it worked. He was even home earlier then curfew agreed upon.

Last night I used the same technique and he said I told you that he was staying out all night some where. I said I expected him home etc.

He said the was saying at M___'s house and he was out with some other friends etc. and that Mark was leaving the door open for him.

This morning I phoned over to M___'s house and he did not stay there the mother checked the house. I called his cell phone and he said he stayed at some girl's house and would be home later.

I called another friend of his and he said he was out with the drug seller in our neighbourhood last night as well. This girl he was with also does drugs. His friend said he is smoking pot and doing mushrooms as well.

Today he came back home and is sleeping all day. I used the assignment I love you and there are going to be changes around here. Do I just sit tight until I get to the next lesson? What should I do? He said this afternoon when he got up for a bit that he did tell me he was going to be out some night this week for the whole night>

Help!

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Hi A.,

I know this is hard for you to "hang on." But if you do not lay down the groundwork first (outlined in the beginning of the program), then you'll run the risk of failure with this method.

Re: Do I just sit tight until I get to the next lesson? What should I do?

Parents should use their old parenting methods until they are instructed to do otherwise (which you will be in Sessions #3 and #4).

Patience is key when implementing change!

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Life goes by one day at a time...

Mark,

Life goes by one day at a time. M_____ has racked up quite a debt. Most of these are bills that had to be paid (IE. court ordered "anger management class", secretary of state fee, repair of house damage etc) which Mom/Dad have paid and that he is required to pay back (and knows this and has accepted this and does have a job). His paycheck is direct deposited to an account over which he has no control. My dilemma is how much should he get for spending each week. Summer is (unfortunately) a slow time at his job and he may only take home $50 each week. Earlier we had told him he could have 1/3 of his pay each week for spending (additional 1/3 for saving, and 1/3 for a larger parent approved purchase). He is demanding the 1/3 but we (parents) feel this should be omitted/decreased due to the sizable debt. He also had his license taken away for 2 months so he is not using gas--but maybe is paying friends? Now I find $65 in his wallet (have only given him $20 in past month or so) and wondering if he is stealing/selling drugs or something. He has done both in the past. Wondering if having a little money would decrease his temptation for this.

He has never tested positive for drugs, but talks about them often and believe he has sold them. His "best friend" recently caught trying to package up weed and with $500 on him and had to go back to the youth home for this. What is your experience with this--selling/glamour of selling and not using? Any way to try to investigate this? Have not found any drugs in the home for over 6 month and then it was prescription drugs (ADHD med, and Oxycontin but was accused of trying to sell weed in school).

M_____ seems to have 2 sets of "friends". Those we approve of and another set we believe are into drugs/juvenile system, etc and who we don't really know. We would like to encourage the former without being obvious. Any suggestions on how to foster these friendships and discourage the others? We feel the more he associates with these types of kids and the less often he gets consequencs the more re-enforcement/freedoms he will earn and the less attractive the alternative will be (that's the idea anyway). As a teen, he would like a few bucks for movies, food, etc. Would giving him some of his earned money discourage the bad decisions? Is having no money at all making him feel desperate? I thought not giving him money may motivate him to do odd jobs around the house/grandparents house for pay, but this has not worked. It will take longer to pay off the debts but want to do the right thing. What is your advice for this?

Another question. M_______ missed curfew (by almost 3 hours) Saturday and then got caught trying to let his girlfriend in the house an hour later. He told us when he left that he would not be home by his curfew. He was given 5 days of no going out (no one over for 2 days and if stayed home and kept house tidy could have a friend over after that). Sunday night he just left at 11:00pm (disappeared without a word--older brother happened to see him get in a car). He did answer his phone at first, then stopped answering. Excuse for going out was phony (first had to go get a pair of "pants" but came home without them, then he left because he was angry but took a shower first and waited until "friends" picked him up and there was no confrontation with anybody at home before this). Came back 35-45minutes later. Car he was in was packed full of teens. His 5 days started over, and lost cell phone and computer as well. He then lost cell phone use for when he stopped answering phone (this was for 2 days and if answered house phone when I was at work to prove he stayed home he earned back) and told he was responsible to answer when away from home or would lose it again. He would earn computer back if no swearing for 2 days (swore at the dinner table so 2 days started over). Stayed home yesterday. Answered phone today. I found the $65 but just coincidentally after he was out with these kids (I don't know them). My question is should I have approached the car when he came home? If so, what should I have said?

He did come to me in the night after this asking me to not call his PO about this and that he does not want to "go away for 6 months" (if he is placed out of state in a program). I did tell him I would not call immediately and would see how he followed the rules day by day but that when she came for her visit on Thursday that I had an obligation to tell the truth and had every intention of doing so. He feels because he is 17 1/2 and has the potential of being off probation end of July that the court will not keep him on probation any longer and will not send him away to a program because he is "too old". He also threatens to do as he pleases when that happens. Yes, we can make him leave at 18, but not before.

Thanks for your advice.

J.

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Hi J.,

You’ve listed quite a few questions here. I’ll try to answer as many as I can in the time I have.

Re: My dilemma is how much should he get for spending each week.

I like your 33% rule. Letting him take possession of 1/3 of his earnings sounds reasonable to me.

Re: What is your experience with this--selling/glamour of selling and not using?

I have kids on probation who sell drugs – both for money and prestige – but who don’t “use” due to weekly urine screens. This is very common. The money is really good as long as you’re in the game. Fortunately, most “players” get removed from the game sooner than later.

Re: Any suggestions on how to foster these friendships and discourage the others?

In this short space, I have a few suggestions:

• Aim for more family meals together--everyone present. No TV nor phone interruptions are allowed. Attempt pleasant conversation about the day. Avoid using this time together to discuss homework, chores, or other problems. Keep dinnertime conversation positive!

• Be diligent so that your child does not catch "affluent-enza." "Affluent-enza" is when your child says "I want ___" and it often means "I get ___."

• Don't put a TV or telephone in your child's own room. If you do, you will surely see them less and argue more! The preteen/teen years are times when you need to be with your child more.

• Get to know the parents of your child's friends. Meet with them and discuss shared expectations when the kids visit each other.

• Manage your own peer pressure! Avoid letting the latest trends rule your buying habits. Don't over-schedule yourself because you can't say "no" to others. Know that the "do as I say, not as I do" approach to parenting will fail.

• Watch less TV and monitor what your kids watch. Just as you wouldn't let your child eat junk food constantly, don't allow junk to go into their minds. Set a rule about quantity and quality of TV and consistently follow through.

Teens must be taught how subtle peer pressure can be. It can sound nice and friendly when someone says, "We won't get caught. It'll be fun and everyone is going to be there." Teens must be taught to think logically, rather than emotionally, when with friends. And, of course, most important is to teach them what they can say or do to comfortably manage negative peer pressure. And it's got to be more than just teaching them to just say "no" or walk away. Those two techniques are the least likely way that kids will feel okay and be effective in managing the trouble traps. Kids can be taught to joke their way out of trouble, including suggesting a better idea, using flattery, making a true excuse, and learning to return the challenge when dared.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

HI Mark,

Thank you so much for your answer. I did tell my daughter that I would be truthful from the beginning. I guess I'm fearful at times because of her psychiatric diagnosis. She is what Dr. Greene calls inflexible-explosive, plus Adhd and mood issues. I questioned the counselors to see if there is any evidence of personality disorder. They seem not to think so, but I'm not so sure. She has been tested by a neuro-psych doctor. But nothing more came of it except for a 504 accomodation plan, which was very much needed. If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct? She is intensely self-centered and doesn't seem to "get it". I know self-centeredness is common in teens but with her it is much more so, also, she is nice to everyone except family members.

I took the test and I failed with flying colors! The result was I was a severely indulgent parent, which surprised me because I didn't see myself that way. How blinded I became thru this difficulty.

You know, when we as parents are trying to raise difficult kids...we give in to them at times to reduce the stress and chaos on the family, but in the end it all comes back to bite us.

Thank you once again for all you are doing for so many hurting families. You are realigning us and teaching us to walk straight and not waiver so we can reach the end of this difficult path.

Best regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: If she does have some measure of a borderline personality disorder, I can still apply all the parenting techniques in your e-book, correct?

Absolutely …Borderline Personality is just the adult, female version of Oppositional Defiant Disorder. CLICK HERE for one of my Podcasts on the subject (sorry for the poor video/audio quality).

Keep in mind that BPD and ODD and just labels for a particular pattern of behavior. Labels don't make kids "bad" – labels simply help us in the "helping professions" to narrow-down a range of treatment options.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Son with ADHD, ODD & PDD

It's been awhile since my first e-mail. I've been trying to follow your information in your manual. Have started to reread the book to refresh myself with some of the instructions on how to control my son. He has still not gotten the picture that he has a problem that needs to be addressed, and worked on. He believes that everyone else is the problem and that no matter what he tries he is wrong. He'll take no advice or be willing to even learn from his own mistakes, which hurt him and then he complains that no one understands him, and won't help.

My son is now 20 (21 november) he was/ is diagnosed with adhd ODD pdd. now refusing to take his meds. his own research shows side effects, this scares him, thats why he refuses.

Question? thru your many studies and other parents that you have talked to, have you ever found that a child has over the years developed a symptom of paranoia, with anxiety attacks. and has become a habitual liar? he now breaks out with the terrible sweats, and is afraid that someone will break into our house and steal his Xbox games and systems, and the temperature needs to be at 60 degrees in the house. I'm not rich and can't afford the electric bill I just got, $375.00 for one month.

I’m going to be in touch with the U of PA. hospital Philadelphia Pa for reevaluation of his disorders as something drastic has change. It's also unfortunate that we had to loose our previous services because of an insurance change at work, they don't accept this insurance now, and we temporarily lost our medical assistance for his disability do to some paper work foul up that was recently resolved in court.

Can you make any suggestions as to what we might ask the hospital to be looking for? tests, blood work, brain scans etc. any thing will help. what type of assisted living facilities might be good for him so that he is not totally dependent on us, as it is really taking a toll on the wife and I. I just cancelled my vacation plans because he refused to stay at another family members home so that he could go to his part time job while we were away.

Thanks

L.

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Hi L.,

Albeit limited, the info you have provided suggests that your son may have Agoraphobia or Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I would definitely look into these two diagnoses as a possibility.

Unfortunately, this may be a classic example of what happens to a child after years of over-indulgence. Your son will be 20-years-old, and he still lives at home playing Xbox. He does not have a clue about how to survive as an adult out in the real world.

Children with Pervasive Developmental Disorder (PDD) do have difficulty using and understanding language …difficulty relating to people, objects, and events …difficulty with changes in routine or familiar surroundings …and they exhibit unusual play with toys and other objects. So they are not easy children to parent – I understand this.

In any event, there is no known cure for PDD. Medications are used to address certain behavioral problems. If he is not willing to take his meds – and you go along with this – then you are employing an over-indulgent parenting style.

Begin helping him to help himself. This should be the first course of action. Hold him accountable for not taking his meds. Not taking meds needs a consequence -- and perhaps a serious one at that (e.g., him living elsewhere).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

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Mark,

I will be looking into the additional diagnoses, which I already suspected but was told by therapist and other professionals? in the field he did not have these.

Over indulgence has not taken place with L___, as he was growing up just the opposite was happening things were not just given to him he had to earn them, or points to get privileges because of his bad temper bad behavior and not wanting to do anything that was asked of him, help with the cleaning, help make the beds help take out the trash, help, help, help, his answer was always NO. it's not my job!

He was diagnosed with PDD but as you explain it he shows no sign of these things. I think the professionals? put this on his charts as they could not come up with a better diagnoses.

As for meds they are out on the table for him to take, when i come home he hasn't taken them, then i try for hrs to have him take them. and then he gets mad enough that he starts to verbally threaten, I stop ...consequences lead to house destruction.

I know that the meds he is now taking do not help very much maybe 10%, he's been on so many over the years and nothing has really helped, some have just done the opposite made him worse. Professionals?

Yes I think you can here in my voice that even the system that he has been in, with hospital stays (4) counselors, therapist, behavior specialist, and I can go on, have not been much help with him or with us as a family trying very hard to stay together. wife, daughter (16) myself and L___. One DR. even told me in all the years of his practice (20) he has never seen someone like L___. I told him to do a case study and write a book on Larry.

Today my wife had enough and thought there was going to be a fight between me and L___, and went to her sisters, for the weekend. all because I refused to take L___ out for chinese food after I said I would, but he did something that he was not supposed to and had to pay the consequence and not be taken. Vulgar remarks and calling me slanderous names. which he was repeatedly told not to do the night before, that night he did it again, he must have called me at work 6 times asking if we were still going. now he says will I take him tomorrow, even though he is still calling me names, and cursing.

Myself I'm starting to break down, I'm ready to take him to the hospital and let them make the decisions, as to how to best treat him, away from the home. this is very upsetting to me as I've been the biggest advocate to get the best services for him and treatment. but I know all that will happen is word treatment.
what to do, what to do?

L.

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Hello again L.,

Re: what to do?

The first thing to do is to find a GOOD psychiatrist and have him/her do a Comprehensive Psychiatric Evaluation in order to come up with a proper diagnosis.

I'm very puzzled here. You say that over-indulgence has not taken place with your son, yet as you describe his behavior, he sounds exactly like an over-indulged child.

Either you are in a state of denial about this -- or I'm missing something.

Very confused,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Boarding school for my “out of control” teen...

Can you recommend a quality boarding school for my “out of control” teen daughter who will be 17 this October. She is has been diagnosed ADD/ADHD and ODD.

Part of the problem is she does not want to help herself.

Thank you for any help you can provide.

Bob

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La Lumiere School is probably the only one I can feel good about recommending.

The address is: 6801 North Wilhelm Road, La Porte, IN 46350

Phone: 219-326-7450

Their website: http://www.lalumiere.org/

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Should I tell the probation officer?

Hi Mr. Hutten,

Just wanted to let you know how appreciative my husband and I are for your website. We are a committed christian family that is dealing with a 15 yr. old ADHD daughter with oppositionality. I am in the process of reading your ebook. You won't be surprised to hear that for the past 2 years she has been to a pychiatrist and counselors to deal with her challenges and anger - she can sometimes be explosive. These behaviors manifested as a toddler and she was a difficult baby. We have 3 others kids who don't struggle with these challenges although the pain, heartache and despair we at times experience as parents does not go unnoticed by the other three.

A few months back my daughter hit me after being put on concerta, which made her very irritable. It is no excuse, but I called the cops and they "arrested" her. I called her doctor and we took her off the meds. We went to court, she was put on probation and comm. service.

Inside this kid has christian convictions and stands up for what she believes. She lies alot but I do believe that shes not on drugs, drinking or having sex which she yells at us about and thinks she is a good kid because of it. OK, but its her behavior...and she just doesn't get it. Her disrespect is thru the roof, etc. Recently, I went on her IM log and found out she decieved me by saying she was sleeping at her friends house...I said I need to talk to the parent to confirm...so she has her friend's parent call me, which in reality was one of her guy friends posing as a father. She had been to a all-nite party …we later found out thru the log. My question is should I tell the probation officer?

She also told us she was going to bed early one nite, which was strange so I went up an hour later only to find she snuck out and stuffed her bed. Someone said "what kid hasn't done that.” Needless to say we punished her. Texting on the phone, Facebook and some social life has been taken away....My main goal for her is to learn and succeed, do need to tell her probation officer the whole thing? I worried about what will happen. She has been trying harder in other ways. she is seeing her counselor regularly. I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean. She doesn't hang out with bad kids. (You wouldn't believe all the friends she has for an ADHDer) all her friends come from good families. No one knows she is on probation or anything else (not even her grandparents who we are really close to because it would devastate them.)

I apologize for the length of this email. It is difficult because you cannot talk to other parents about these things, and I needed to tell you. Thanks again for your website, I am going thru it with a fine-toothed comb! It is a God-send.

Regards,

M.

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Hi M.,

Re: My question is should I tell the probation officer?

Absolutely! You want to (a) model the truth and (b) hold her accountable. Just report it – and tell your daughter that you will always have a commitment to the truth. This is a relatively minor problem – and I’m sure her PO will see it that way too.

Re: I don't want to "crush" her if you know what I mean.

I have to be honest with you here. This statement sounds like one that would come from an indulgent parent. Be careful “feeling sorry” for your child. This will work against both you and her. You don’t do your daughter any favors by trying to save her from uncomfortable emotions associated with her poor choices.

No half measures,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen