How do I handle my son's way of talking to me?

Hi Mark

How do I handle my son's way of talking to me? I mean he never talks nice. It is “get me this” …and “do this.”

He is 14 almost 15. He says to me that he is a teenager and that I don't understand what a teenager goes through. Little does he realize, that I have been there too!! Example: He ask me to buy him a xbox 360 yesterday and I answer him no because all he want everyday is to buy games, or whatever. And he does nothing around the house, and I mean nothing, Garbage, blue box putting his clothes away is all we ask, and he does nothing so I am fed up and I don't feel he deserves anything as he does nothing. Finally after seeing his clothes still in the basket in his room after 3 days I get pissed off and tell my husband to get on his case, But when I do that my husband has a fit and tells me that I cannot control MY KIDS, (his kids too.) Anyway my son will then do it as my husband tells him to do it. Anyway getting back to how he speaks to me. He said tome after I told him no to the game, I hate you, you are so fucking me, You are a stupid parent, and I wish you were dead.

This is how he talks everyday. What or how do I handle this? Keep him in his room indefinitely, HELP.

G.

```````````````````````````````````````

Hi G.,

Re: ...son's way of talking to me...

You will want to refer to the strategy entitled "When You Want Something From Your Kid" [online version - Session #3] for a detailed method. But let me elaborate a bit here:

The reasons for back talk are as varied as the personalities of the children who use it. The child could be hungry, tired, or in a transitional period. But children who talk back usually do have one thing in common: They're trying to separate from their parents and exercise control over their lives.

How should you handle these outbursts? Parents should do some behavior tracking: For three days, make notes about what your child says, what the situation was, and how you responded. See if you notice any patterns. And keep in mind that when kids talk back, something else is going on underneath. The goal is to help them express it constructively.

Six rules for fighting fair—

You won't ever be able to avoid disagreements with your teen, but you can learn how to fight fair. Adhere to the following rules:

• Define what the problem is
• Define how to rectify it
• Don't attack
• Don't belittle
• Don't condemn
• Figure out what can be done to prevent it in the future

Teens’ Common back talk: "Leave me alone!" and "It's all your fault!"

How to respond: Beware -- they may look like grown-ups, but teenagers are not completely rational. They think differently than adults and children, and often feel they're invulnerable. Be concerned about their responses and listen to them. Help them to see that you're on their side. If they say they want to be left alone, back off but don't give up. Take a more subtle approach. Write them a note without attacking or blaming, and say that you'd like to hear back from them. Always keep the dialogue open. Try talking in a lower voice. If you model screaming and shouting, that's what you'll get in return. And remember, you are always the authority in your house; you can set limits. As parents, you cannot be friends with your children, but you can still treat them in a friendly way.

My Out-of-Control Teen

She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once...

I am considering buying your book but I would like more explanation on your “unconventional” techniques. I have read many books, and some seem to help for a little while and then something new comes up that I don’t know how to deal with. She is a child to walk up to the line and go over it once, but then seems to keep going right up to the line, but not quite crossing it, over and over.

Thanks for your time,

W.

````````````````````

Hi W.,

All I mean by "unconventional" is that some of the techniques in the eBook are also used by therapists and psychologists to build a "therapeutic alliance" with their clients. In this case, you will be using the techniques to build an alliance - or bond - with your child.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it?

Hi Mark,

I am a Elementary school teacher (3rd. grade) who is doing their homework in the preparation of receiving next school year a little girl who exhibits all the classic symptoms of ODD. (I will forward your information about your book on to her parents and try to help them as best I can.)

My main purpose for writing you is to get ideas that I can use in the classroom for behavior management of this disorder. (My guess is that this little girl will be placed in the SBH unit one day or given home instruction.) I want to begin the year prepared and having a plan in place. I hope to meet with her adoptive parents before the year begins and get them on-board with working with me. Is there anything you would suggest in planning to deal with her behavior? Any good resources out there that may be of help with the behavior management end of it? I would appreciate any advise you can give.

Thanks,

Mitch Burton

`````````````````````

Hi Mitch,

You may want to consider downloading the eBook. I have many therapists, educators, probation officers, social workers, etc. who have either attending my live seminar or have joined Online Parent Support (the online version of the seminar). The program is not just for parents. Anybody who has to deal with an oppositional defiant child will benefit from the material.

Mark

Online Parent Support