I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom...

Hi Mark,

Hope things are going well with you.

I have received A___'s latest school report and the comments from teachers are similar to past years. These include "A___ lacks persistent concentration and is easily distracted by those around her..." and " ...she could make better use of her time when she first arrives at school and would do well to develop effective routines so that she is ready to begin learning rather than involving herself in disputes with others. A___ is encouraged to develop an awareness of how her actions might be unintentionally affecting and antagonising others...modify her own behavior to resolve or avoid conflict...increase her usage of the Mathletics website to extend her ability with regard to speed and accuracy in Maths...easily distracted during share and show sessions..." and the list goes on.

I have a meeting with the principle next Fri to try and formulate a long term plan to manage her in the classroom and I really don't know where to start. All these "A___ needs to" comments are all very well but how do we achieve this? I can't get her to do any homework without a fuss. At home she displays traits of ADHD (inattention, impulsivity and hyperactivity) but I don't have a formal diagnosis. We are managing her behavior at home as per your e-book as you know. At school she is disruptive and inattentive but not to the degree she is at home. She is certainly antagonistic and rude to the kids at school and has no special friends as a result, and although I do try and have kids over to play there are always problems in relation to her immature behavior and it is quite exhausting for me.

I don't want to make the teachers defensive by trying to suggest that A___ needs a management plan at school but her efforts in each subject have gone from being "exemplary" to just "satisfactory" over the last 2 years, the comments take up more room than they used to and I think her grades are going to be affected as time moves on (Maths has dropped from an A to a B this past six months but Literacy is holding at A for the present).

Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone?

I'd really appreciate you thoughts.

Thanks Mark,

L.

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Hi L.,

Re: Do you think I am doing the right thing by meeting with the principle? Yes.

Re: Am I over reacting and should I just let things slide without worrying too much at this time? I don’t think you are over-reacting.

Re: Can I formulate a plan without offending anyone? Possibly.

Your plan should really be the teacher’s plan. You can come up with a plan, but the teachers will be the ones who will have to implement it. It would be better if they came up with their own plan.

Here are some suggestions:

Any teacher can institute the following suggestions, even without formal student classification:

1. Learn about ADHD. Typically, teachers in the higher grades have a harder time "believing" in the condition. The older students no longer appear physically hyperactive. Organization and planning problems are frequently misinterpreted as lack of preparation and motivation. The school special education staff should have materials for classroom teachers.

2. Don't take the ADHD behaviors as personal challenges. The answer to the question "Why can't she listen to me like all of the other children?" is that she can't turn off her ADHD at will. It isn't personal.

3. Provide help for deficits at the moment it is needed, not negative feedback when it is already too late. Unfortunately, the simple reality is that punishment does not usually teach the needed behaviors to ADHD kids. This is because many children with ADHD have difficulty "doing what they know," not "knowing what to do." They already "know," for example, that they should come to class prepared. Once we understand that punishment has not been working, we are ready to provide relief for their disabilities by guiding them at the moment guidance is needed-rather than continued disbelief that they did it wrong again.

4. Presenting Material to ADHD Children:

· Alert child's attention with phrases such as "This is important."

· Allow physically hyperactive children out of their seats to hand out and pick up papers, etc.

· Break down longer directions into simpler chunks.

· Check for comprehension.

· Encourage students to mark incorrect multiple-choice answers with an "x" first. This allows them to "get started" quickly, while forcing them to read all of the choices before making a final selection.

· Encourage students to underline the key words of directions.

· Establish good eye contact.

· Have child sit in the front of the class.

· Tap on the desk (or use other code) to bring the child back into focus.

5. Organizational Help:

1. Recognize that disorganization is a major disability for almost everyone with ADHD. In fact, it is difficult to diagnose ADHD in the absence of organizational problems. Yes, ADHD students can - and frequently do - write a wonderful paper and then forget to hand it in. This striking unevenness in skills is what makes it a learning disability.

2. Ensure that parents and child all know the correct assignment. Yes, most students can take this responsibility upon themselves. Those with ADHD, though, usually cannot. It is unfair and counter-productive to let intelligent students flounder because of this disability. Once informed of the needed work, the child is still responsible to work (with his/her parents) to get it done. The following options can be used. This part will take work, especially to keep the system going:

i. Inform about typical routines (such as vocabulary quizzes on Fridays).

ii. Hand out written assignments for the week; or,

iii. Initial student's homework assignment pads after each period. Please do not expect the student to come up after class for the signature on their own. If they were organized enough to do that, we would not need to be doing this. And, yes, the typical student is organized enough to come to the teacher; but this is not the typical student.

3. Notify family immediately of any late assignments by one of following. Waiting for mid-term notices is too late to correct the problem, and too late for the student to behaviorally notice the connection between his/her performance and the consequences.

i. A phone call or e-mail takes the child out of the loop, and works best.

ii. The parent could call the team leader/guidance counselor each week for an update.

iii. The parent could mail weekly a card to each teacher. The card would simply have spaces for missed work and comments, and is dropped back into the mail.

4. Allow for expedient make up of late or incorrectly done homework. If deduction for lateness actually works to correct the problem, then keep doing it; if not, recognize the problem as a currently uncorrectable disability. In such a case, the work does need to be completed, but is not fair for a persistent organizational disability to cause excessive and demoralizing deductions. If, for some reason, it is necessary to give an "F" for incomplete work, remember that an F is 65, not 0. Trying to get a quarter decent grade while averaging in a "0" or two is virtually impossible. A grade of "0" is excessive and counter-productive.

6. Simple accommodations for other frequently associated problems:

1. Dysgraphia (hand writing problems)

i. Use of a computer.

ii. Graph paper helps line up math problems.

iii. Provide a copy of class notes, or arrange for peer to make carbon copy.

iv. Minimize deductions for neatness and spelling. Instead, give extra points for neatness.

2. Dyscalculia (math problems)

i. Liberal use of a calculator.

ii. Consider doing every other problem if homework takes too long.

You may want to use these suggestions as a starting point as you work with the principal to create a “plan.”

Mark

Online Parent Support

The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows...

Hello Mark,

Last Friday I sent you an e-mail re snooping on my daughter's myspace and im accounts. You advised me that this was okay. Thank you SO much. But since I am a category 2, ie. stealth mode mom, how do I confront her with the information I've gleaned? I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think? The issue is that she gave oral sex to a boy she knows, but doesn't particularly like (this after she did this with her first love this winter who then dumped her, and broke her heart). Since I discovered this most recent event of last week, I snooped again and learned it was possibly two guys, not just the one. Various guys who she knows through school are IMing her and asking her about it, how many times, etc. One guy, who would like to date her but she doesn't want to, asked if they could be "friends with benefits". And her answer was", Idk , maybe!!!!!. In some of the emails and IMs I read she is upset that people know and are talking about it. You mentioned that girls with low self esteem often respond to incidents like the one with her boyfriend this winter by withdrawing socially but she definitely is not-she seems to be self destructing. Please, please, help me to help her. I am just so heartbroken by this and do not know what to do.

Sincerely, A.

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Hi A.,

Re: I had suggested sending my husband and me an anonymous letter tipping us off as a way to open a dialogue with her. What do you think?

I think she will deny your “allegations.” Then what will you say (short of telling her that you’ve been snooping – and thus know what the truth REALLY is)?

Rather than trying to catch her in a lie, you may want to talk to her about sex (that’s really what this whole thing is mostly about).

In addition, I would recommend that you simply monitor/limit computer use:

• Do buy some kind of Internet filtering program.
• Do know how to check her Internet History.
• Do start a conversation with your kid about Internet safety.
• Don't let her have a webcam for ANY reason.
• Don't let her have a wireless laptop in their room.
• Don't let her have an Internet accessible computer in their room.
• Make a behavior contract with your daughter. This will enable her to know what you expect of her behavior while online, as well as the consequences for violating the contract.

I've listed some of the best programs on the net that will help you with this dilemma. Check each one out and see which is best for your needs.

· Working secretly in the background, CYBERsitter analyzes all Internet activity. Whenever it detects activity the parent has elected to restrict, it takes over and blocks the activity before it takes place. If desired, CYBERsitter will maintain a complete history of all Internet activity, including attempts to access blocked material. Strictly 32-bit, CYBERsitter 97 is designed for Windows 95 and Windows NT exclusively.

· Net Nanny allows you to deal with: WWW URLs, News Groups, IRC Channels, FTPs, E-mail, Non-Internet BBSs, Words, Phrases, Personal Information (address, credit card no. etc.) It's a complete Internet and PC management tool. Runs with all the major online providers too! Note: Does not currently run on MACs.

· Cyber Patrol allows those responsible for children to restrict access to certain times of day, limit the total time spent on-line in a day, and block access to Internet sites they deem inappropriate. Cyber Patrol also can be used to control access to the major on-line services and to local applications such as games and personal financial managers.

Good luck,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

He says he’s not coming back home...

My 16 year old is smoking weed and he knows i have 0 tolerance for this behavior so he moves in with his dad that has major drug issues himself so therefore he has no guidance. What do I do? He says he’s not coming back home and doesn't answer or return my calls.....HELP!!!

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Hi C.,

I would allow him to stay with his father. Of course, it will be highly likely that the two of them will have a major blowout at some point, at which time your son will want to return to your house. Then you’ll have some leverage (i.e., able to enforce the “no pot smoking” policy in your home).

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument...

I have an 18 year-old daughter who left home for 10 days after an argument. We thought she was staying with girlfriends. We found out she was staying with a 26 yr-old boyfriend that we never had met. Our niece told us that he was in jail for drug pushing. He bought her things and gave her a place to stay. I found her walking down the street last night and insisted that she come home. She did and threatened to leave home as soon as she could to be with him - because he makes her happy and does not pressure her like we do. What should be our next move? Should we take away her stuff? In particular her cell phone to try to find a phone number or where this guy lives. Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

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Hi B.,

Re: What should be our next move?

Help her move out.

Re: Should we take away her stuff?

No. She’s an adult now that needs to begin the process of leaving the nest.

Re: Or is it too late since she is legally an adult?

I think you have bigger fish to fry than worrying about her boyfriend. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to help her move out.

Remember, self-reliance is key. Whenever in doubt, ask yourself, “Will the decision I’m about to make foster the development of self-reliance – or inhibit it?” Clearly, keeping her from moving out will inhibit such development.

I understand you have heard that her “boyfriend” is a pusher. However, she will need to learn some life-lessons and make up her own mind whether or not this guy is the person she really wants to “hang” with. Don’t save her from this opportunity to learn a valuable lesson. She may fall …she may want to return home. If so, let her return briefly – then get busy helping her move out on her own again -- or help her begin college.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Adult Child

She is adopted from Poland, and has a gypsy background...

The problem we have is our daughter is not under the Juvenile system in Singapore any longer. She knows it, and today the school phoned me to say that she does her utter best of getting expelled from school …also self mutilates so she can come back to Singapore and live her live of “FREEDOM” ...doing what she wants, when she wants, absolutely nothing affects her, when disciplined she runs away. Sleeps on the streets, goes clubbing, drinks, smokes and gets into drugs. Unknown friends help her….

By the way Mark she is adopted from Poland, and has a gypsy background. We have had her since she was 9 months.

Do we let her stay with us, lock all doors as she steals from us, comes and goes as she pleases? Send her to find a Job? No school in Singapore will take her.

She plays the role promises, signs whatever you want and on the first occasion runs away, does not care about consequences.

One month in The Singapore Girls Home in March and July are as quickly forgotten as a nightmare. She is a challenge for an experienced psychologist, and we have no idea why she makes the choices she does.

Her non-communicating attitude does not help, as we have already sent her 14 days to a psychological clinic for a diagnosis. Result, knows what she does and totally responsible for her actions.

So if we let go of the outcome, how can we possibly live with her at home in unbearable circumstances?

At the moment the whole situation affects my husband’s work, as he needs to take off every time we have a situation.

Thank you so much for your support, and I hope you can give us some advice for the handling of this impossible child.

Mr. & Mrs. G.

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Hi Mr. & Mrs. G.,

"Letting go of the outcome" does indeed include "letting go of her" (i.e., letting go of the daughter you hoped you would have had).

It would be much easier -- and a whole lot less painful -- to simply beat your head against a brick wall than it would be to allow her to continue to live in your home.

Troubled adopted children (like troubled non-adopted children) will often display observable signs that they need help. The following list shows a few possible indicators. If your adopted daughter exhibits just one or two of the problems described in this section (with the exception of the last four items on the list), she may have a temporary problem. But if three or more of these problems show up, or any of the last four, she may only improve with several years of professional help:

• Association with undesirable friends
• Change in sleep habits (needing too little sleep or sleeping all the time)
• Deteriorating personal hygiene
• Frequent lying or evasion
• Lack of friends
• Loss of interest in hobbies or friends
• Obsession with fears and worries
• Persistent “orphanage behavior,” such as rocking or head-banging that occurs beyond the toddler years
• Serious drop in grades
• Slow physical or mental development
• Sudden loss of appetite or extremely increased appetite
• Runs away for extended periods of time
• Physical violence or attacks
• Antisocial behavior such as stealing, starting fires, or harming animals
• Self-injurious behavior (cutting or harming oneself)
• Substance abuse

Perhaps one of the major oversights adoptive parents make -- one that agencies fail to adequately prepare parents for -- is the role anger plays in the life of the adopted child. Many parents that I consult with mistakenly believe that a loving, stable home is enough for the adopted child …that a good home environment will make better all the losses or traumas from the past. To the adopted child, however, love isn't enough. They have lost a great deal and they typically get little validation for this from those around them. Instead, many get the message they should stop wallowing and be grateful.

Those of us who weren't adopted cannot fully grasp the meaning of being given away. As I work with adoptive parents on listening to their child, this issue becomes paramount. From the adult perspective, the adopted child was taken out of an unsafe environment and this should be seen as good. From the child's point of view, however, something very valuable was taken away: their home, their identity, and their family.

Children are quite adept at communicating their feelings. Strange as it is, adults consistently miss the messages. For the adopted child, anger is his way of communicating feelings of loss, grief, fear, and terror. Unfortunately, these messages get misinterpreted and the child subsequently gets labeled as defiant.

Most Americans who adopt children from other countries find joy. But others aren't prepared for the risks—and may find themselves overwhelmed. I am certainly not suggesting that adults stop adopting children. Nor am I insinuating that every adopted child will have behavioral or emotional disturbance. What I am pointing out, however, is that the needs and concerns of adopted children are unique. When we truly listen to the adopted child, we can better understand how he or she is attempting to make sense out of a life where they are asked to relinquish one identity and assume another. Further, by being sensitive to the inner reality of the adopted child, we let them know we understand how confusing it can be to live in a world of ghosts, surrogate parents, and loss.

Adoption triggers five lifelong or core issues, regardless of the circumstances of the adoption or the characteristics of the participants:

1. Grief
2. Guilt and shame
3. Identity problems
4. Intimacy problems
5. Sense of loss
   

It is not my intent here to question adoption, but rather to challenge some adoption assumptions, specifically, the persistent notion that adoption is not different from other forms of parenting and the accompanying disregard for the pain and struggles inherent in adoption.

Adoption is created through loss; without loss there would be no adoption. Loss, then, is at the hub of the wheel. Adopted children suffer their first loss at the initial separation from the birth family. Awareness of their adopted status is inevitable. Even if the loss is beyond conscious awareness, recognition, or vocabulary, it affects the adoptee on a very profound level. Any subsequent loss, or the perceived threat of separation, becomes more formidable for adopted children than their non-adopted peers.

The grief process in adoption, so necessary for healthy functioning, is further complicated by the fact that there is no end to the losses, no closure to the loss experience. Loss in adoption is not a single occurrence. There is the initial, identifiable loss and innumerable secondary sub-losses. Loss becomes an evolving process, creating a theme of loss in both the individual's and family's development. Those losses affect all subsequent development.

Adopted children seldom are able to view their placement into adoption by the birthparents as anything other than total rejection. Adopted children even at young ages grasp the concept that to be "chosen" means first that one was "un-chosen," reinforcing adopted children' lowered self-concept. Society promulgates the idea that the "good" adoptee is the one who is not curious and accepts adoption without question. At the other extreme of the continuum is the "bad" adoptee who is constantly questioning, thereby creating feelings of rejection in the adoptive parents.

Adopted children suggest that something about their very being caused the adoption. The self-accusation is intensified by the secrecy often present in past and present adoption practices. These factors combine to lead the adoptee to conclude that the feelings of guilt and shame are indeed valid.

Adopted children lacking medical, genetic, religious, and historical information are plagued by questions such as: Who are they? Why were they born? Were they in fact merely a mistake, not meant to have been born, an accident? This lack of identity may lead adopted children, particularly in adolescent years, to seek out ways to belong in more extreme fashion than many of their non-adopted peers. Adolescent adopted children are over represented among those who join sub-cultures, run away, become pregnant, or totally reject their families.

Adopted children are keenly aware that they were not party to the decision that led to their adoption. They had no control over the loss of the birth family or the choice of the adoptive family. The adoption proceeded with adults making life-altering choices for them. This unnatural change of course impinges on growth toward self-actualization and self-control. Adolescent adopted children, attempting to master the loss of control they have experienced in adoption, frequently engage in power struggles with adoptive parents and other authority figures. They may lack internalized self-control, leading to a lowered sense of self-responsibility. These patterns, frequently passive/aggressive in nature, may continue into adulthood.

I know this information doesn’t help you solve any problems, but I hope it helps you understand your daughter a bit better.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

I are currently experiencing the "getting worse before it gets better" that you mentioned...

Hi G.,

I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Dear Mark,

I've written to you before. I had asked you about birth control for my daughter. Just a couple of questions as we move forward these next couple of weeks.

Anyway, my husband and I are currently experiencing the "getting worse before it gets better" that you mentioned. Our 15-year-old daughter has now resorted to telling me quite frequently, not her father "You can shut up now!" He is finding this as frustrating as I am right now. We are having difficulty just getting her to sit and talk to us. We tried the sample contract regarding fair fighting to establish some ground rules for all 3 of us only to be told "I'm not signing anything". She is not interested in anything to do with "feelings" and we are "too late" to make changes. She tells us what she is going to do and has ceased asking permission for anything.

== > IMPORTANT: There are 2 versions of the Fair Fighting strategy. It sounds like you are using the one in the Printable Version of the eBook. For teenagers, you will want to use the one in the Online Version. Also, if you have not viewed ALL the Instructional Videos in the Online Version – you are missing 60% of the material.

The weekend before my mother came for a visit. Grandmother and granddaughter had a late night conversation where my mother told me that my daughter had told her about the boyfriend and some of what was going on at home as well. My mother revealed to her things from my teenage years. For example, that her father and I were dating, I got pregnant at 16 and had an abortion. She told her some very personal and negative things that I don't think my daughter was emotionally ready to hear right now or for that matter from anyone else but her father and I. Needless to say this gave my daughter additional "ammunition" to "fight" the changes we are trying to implement with her.

1. I wondered if you have any advice on how to handle this?

== > I wouldn’t worry about this one. You’ve got nothing to be ashamed about. The truth about some of your past is out – and that’s o.k.

2. Also, my husband asked how we should respond if she asks us where we are getting these contracts and chore charts? She has been doing some chores to earn an allowance but we liked the idea of implementing the point system. Money, the computer and learning to drive are very important to her right now.

== > Say, “From the internet.” That’s all she needs to know.

We have discovered that we both have been overindulgent with this one as she is our only daughter and the youngest child. Not the best excuse but we are coming to accept our situation these days.

At this moment my husband and I are waiting at home. Our daughter ran away again last night and we just filed a police report. We are looking over your materials so that we are prepared for what to expect when she comes home or is brought home. We haven't finished the 4 weeks yet as we were planning to implement Week 3 assignments. It is very difficult when things are getting worse around. I am trying to find my poker face here, as is my husband. Can you give us some guidance? Thank you.

== > It sounds like you are doing exactly what you should. Can I alleviate your anxiety about the tough work you’re doing? No. Always keep in the back of your mind that you are in the process of developing emotional muscles that you would never have developed otherwise – muscles that will make you stronger …muscles that will help you conquer future problems.

Hunker down – stay tough! The reward will be well worth the effort.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

It's OK to Spy on Your Teens!

Hello Mark,

I have successfully (I think) completed your program with my 14-year-old daughter and things are WAY better. It has been a rough two years, and though I’m no fool and know there's more to come, your program has helped me stop what felt like a runaway train.

I have an issue now, which has the potential of causing a riot and need advice. My daughter uses MYSPACE and I know her password as I overheard her tell her cousin last year. I have periodically checked it out to see where she's at in her life. She does not know this, of course. Mostly there is typical teen stuff, comments etc. I should tell you that this winter she had an incident with an older boy (16) she was very in love with. All us mothers forbid them to see each other outside of school do to the age difference, but they got together at a friend's house on the sly and she gave him oral sex which she didn't want to but was afraid to lose him if she didn't. He broke up with her a few days later and needless to say it was a devastating period for her and us.

After many talks and processing, we really felt that she'd matured and learned a really tough lesson. She claimed she was done with boys for a while, felt very used and heartbroken. Well, yesterday when I was snooping, I read an email from a guy (platonic friend) who said he heard she'd kissed a boy's c----. This boy, who is a junior, has a very bad reputation and has solicited her before and she's claimed she doesn't like him, thinks he's ugly, etc. In her e-mail reply to her friend she laughed it off and said how quickly news spreads, and which version did he want to hear, just that she did, or how many times, and something about playdough. I don't know where or when or (exactly what) this happened because we are in the middle of nowhere and would not allow her to be with a guy unsupervised, but it did and I'm a wreck. Another email to a girlfriend said she was very upset because people knew about her and C.

Two questions: WHY is she doing this? He is gross and this is a small town, AND they are all students at our high school where her DAD teaches!!! She is only 14 …she still has braces!! She has a great figure and posts umpteen bikini pics and then tells guys "oh, I don't have a good body". Why is she setting herself up to have a sleezy reputation?

My second question: I don't want to tell her I looked at her emails, but I want to address this, so I thought I'd write an anonymous letter to my husband and me from a "concerned mother" who has supposedly heard the gossip. I know this is lying so badly, but privacy is a huge issue with her, and our relationship tends to tip toward the rocky in a heartbeat, but right now I can't think of any other way to bring it up and I am totally depressed about it.

Sincerely,

A.

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Hi A.,

== > Re: WHY is she doing this?

Adolescence can be a challenging time for young women. Your daughter’s reactions to the physical and emotional changes occurring during puberty often depend on how she feels about herself. If she has strong self-esteem, she is less likely to engage in socially unacceptable behaviors. While everyone makes mistakes, if she is self-confident she will learn from those mistakes and adapt her behavior, rather than repeating the same mistake again.

Despite an emphasis on equality, boys and girls in modern culture still tend to handle self-esteem issues differently. When teenage boys in our society are faced with a period of low self esteem, they continue on with most of their normal activities: they still take that hard math class, try out for the football team and interact socially with their female counterparts. Young women, on the other hand, react differently when faced with this challenge. They often become indifferent, withdrawn, quiet and depressed.

Several large studies have shown girls aged 8 and 9 are confident, assertive and feel good about themselves. This is probably due to the more mature social interactions and skills that females have developed up to this time, especially when compared to their male contemporaries. Surprisingly, these same girls can emerge at the end of adolescence with a poor self-image, a narrowed view of their future, and less confidence about themselves and their abilities.

What controls the development of a healthy self-esteem in teen girls? According to one study, physical appearance was the most important factor. If they are not attractive (by someone else's standards), many girls feel worthless and helpless. Popular culture floods young girls with images of the ideal female figure, personality, and social skills – all of which are mostly inappropriate and unobtainable. The result is not surprising...in order to maintain this ideal of perfection, girls become obsessed with their physical appearance. The extreme reaction in some unfortunate girls is a dependence on diet pills and the development of eating disorders. Young women see movie stars or situation comedy characters as models on which to shape their social interactions. Unfortunately, the behaviors of these "role models" are often biased toward the disrespectful and promiscuous.

Another factor that can lower some teenage girls’ self esteem is the loss of community. We used to live in towns where everyone knew each other. Now 72 percent of Americans don't even know their neighbors. Other changes in our society, such as divorce, drugs, and alcohol, seem to have negatively affected teen girls even more than boys.

It is therefore easy to understand why many teenage girls are more concerned about impressing or pleasing others – especially boys -- rather than themselves.

== > Re: I don't want to tell her I looked at her emails…

It's OK to Spy on Your Teens! When protecting their teens from internet predators or unsafe behavior, the first step for mothers is to get over their fear of monitoring them. Mothers must learn how to monitor internet activity. It is a mother's job to protect their teens and foster a healthy, safe lifestyle. It is a mother's job to watch over them and be there to correct potential bad decisions that are all too common in a teenager's life.

Different mothers may choose different degrees of monitoring, but all mothers need to deploy some strategy to monitor online behavior. What level of monitoring a mother may choose will depend on the mother, the teenager, and the relationship. One thing should be clear, it is OK to monitor your teens. If you feel uneasy about this or you think it is wrong to monitor myspace activity for example, you may some day regret it.

First, Have the Right Discussion about Internet Safety. Regardless of what level of online internet monitoring you choose, one tactic should be executed first: talk with your teen. Maybe you have, but did you say the right thing? You want to understand their level of knowledge about internet predators. Make the conversation casual… try to blend in to it from another similar topic so the teenager does not feel they are being lectured.

Determine whether they are naive to internet danger or not. This will help you plan your strategy. Ask them if they meet new people online or just communicate with existing friends. Ask if they are aware of cases where teens were put in danger from meeting people online. Ask if they are aware that the people they meet may not be the age or sex they say they are. There is no reason not to instill a little bit of fear. Fear is the body's natural protection system. Keep this in mind when talking with your teen.

Why Would You Spy? There are two basic things a mother needs to protect her teenager from on the internet: predators and bad behavior. The first one is obvious. The second one is not so much caused by the internet, but is divulged through the teen's use of the internet. You may not know that your teenager is engaged in sex, drinking, or drugs, but chances are you can find out through their MySpace pages. The teen may post blatant photos, or the content may be cryptic and difficult for a mother to understand.

Remember, it is a mother’s job to watch over her teens and protect them. Teens, by nature, do make bad decisions. Straight "A" students heavily active in sports and study have become victims. Why? Because they just didn't realize that what they were posting online intrigued a predator. They weren't aware that that predator could "connect the dots" to determine where the teen lived, worked, and played.

Two Effective Spying Techniques for Mothers:

1. LOW LEVEL: MySpace Internet Monitoring –

This strategy for MySpace safety is geared toward mothers that are quite sure they have an honest and open relationship with their teenager. The mothers are sure that their teen would not hide anything from them and would be open to sharing their online activity with them.

Caveat: Mothers, whether they can admit it or not, are usually gullible to this scenario. It feels good to think that you have this type of relationship with your teen, but all too often you don't. The teen may be a great kid that does little wrong, but remember that most teens that get into trouble were once good teens.

Low Level Monitoring is a strategy for mothers that are very confident they have a completely open relationship with their teenager MySpace user. They are sure that the teen will be open to letting the mother partake in their online experience. Keep in mind that most mothers are gullible about this. Also keep in mind that most teens that begin to make bad decisions (drinking, sex, drugs, other crime) started off as good teens. That being said, a good kid that starts to stray would most likely create a new MySpace profile that their mothers do not know about. Teens do stray, it's a reality.

Step One: Have the Introduction Talk-- Let your teenager know you are interested in their online pages and would like to participate. Tell them that part of your interest is to help keep them safe from internet predators. For Low Level Monitoring, it is not necessary to go into anything concerning watching them for bad behavior because you should be confident such behavior does not exist.

Tell them you would like their help setting up your own MySpace account so you can become their "friend" and exchange online information. Even if you know how to setup the account or feel comfortable doing so with the instruction link above, you should let them help you. It gives them a sense of purpose and you can also get some queues as to how they may have setup their account (this is an import part of keeping your teenager safe and is the topic of Step Two.)

Here are some bullets to review with your teenager:

• Ask them about their photos and make sure they understand why they must pay very close attention to the photos they post. Be sure that there are no identifiable objects or things that may zero in on a location (high school info, license plate, street signs, etc). Also be sure your teenager's MySpace photos are not in any way sexually suggestive.

• MySpace is for exchanging information with friends you already have, not a place for meeting new friends. If they do meet someone through MySpace, they should treat them much differently, not sharing any personal information or anything that may divulge where they live, go to school, or work.

• Never post information that can be used to find you: real name, school, job location, address, telephone number, local sports teams, clubs you belong to, or favorite shopping places that may be unique to your area. Teens may claim that some of the info is kept private or only viewable in the MySpace setup. Please remember that there are people out there that are quite savvy and can find their way into this info.

Step Two: Review How Your Teenager's Account is Setup-- Part of step one was allowing your teenager to help setup your own MySpace account. This is important because it is a lead-in to you "naturally" discovering some things that may be of concern (if they exist, of course). We will go through those issues next but let me give you an example first:

I is not a good idea to put your real hometown or High School into MySpace. The reason is this acts as a great location and time-spent piece of information for potential predators. There is no real reason to have this information available to the MySpace public. Your teenager should be sharing information on MySpace with friends they already know, who already know where they live and where they go to school. When setting up your account with your teenager, the lead-in is "hey, this might be a bad idea because of such and such, let's review your setup for other problems..." Review the teenager's Account Settings as follows:

Login and click the "Home" link. Next click on "Account Settings". Take note of the following:

Privacy Settings: Click on Privacy Settings and take note of the following MySpace privacy settings (they are all important, but these are critical):

• check "Require email or last name to add me as a friend." This makes sure that people that become your teenager's friend actually know your teenager or at least have been screened and accepted by them.
• check "Friends Only Blog Comments" to avoid some stranger posting obscenities to your teenager's blog
• check "My Friends Only" under Who Can View My Full Profile to ensure that your teenager's profile is only viewed by people they want to view it.

IM Privacy Settings: If your teenager IMs (Instant Messages) you should change this setting to "Only Friends Can IM Me"

Step Three: Review Your Teenager's Entire Site-- You may want to do this one on your own time when your teenager is not around because you'll want to closely analyze content for the above mentioned issues (location, sexual, contact info, etc.)

Now that you are a MySpace friend to your teenager you can simply login to your MySpace account and click on your teenager's profile in your "friends" section. When you get to your teenager's profile, take a close look at the following items which all have links from the main page:

· "More Photos" link under the main upper left photo. Examine all photos your teenager has posted.

· "Videos" link: review all videos for potentially dangerous content.

· "Blog" link: review all blog entries for anything too revealing (as discussed above)

The "Friends Section" In the lower right will be your teenager's friends. You should see your photo or link in this section if they have made you their friend. Read the comments from your teenager's friends. Also, go to each of their sites and review their profiles. Remember, at this point (in your teenager's friend's profile) this info is open to anyone. You are just another web surfer looking at your teenager's friend's profile. If they have the "Friends Only" privacy setting set, you will be very limited as to what you can see since they didn't add you as a MySpace "friend."

Step Four: Monitor Your Teenager's Site and Participate-- Remember that a teen's life changes like the seasons. Their interests change, fads change, new friends come and go, etc. It is important that you check up on the content of your teenager's site regularly. Even better, participate a bit by posting comments to their blog, uploading pictures, etc. It will be good for your teenager's online safety and good for your relationship.

2. HIGH LEVEL: MySpace Spying –

The high level strategy is for those mothers that are in one or more of the following situations:

• The teen is suspected of bad behavior, such as drug use, drinking or sex
• The teenager has been in situations in the past that involve dishonesty (so even if they allow the mothers to see a MySpace profile, it may not be their only MySpace profile)
• Their teenager is hiding the fact that they have a MySpace profile
• Their teenager will not allow them to see their MySpace profile

Warning: Always read and abide by the MySpace terms of service agreement.

You have emailed me because you are a concerned mother taking the proper steps to protect your teen(s) on and off the internet. As a mother, it is your job to protect your teens. The consequences of not doing so are far too bad to even fool around in this arena. If you feel that you've already tried the below spying techniques to find and watch your teenager's MySpace activity with no success, you may need to use stealth strategies.

In order to successfully spy on your teens MySpace activity, you should first attempt the low level monitoring..

Assuming low level will not or did not work, let’s get on to spying strategies. First you need to be familiar with how to setup a MySpace account.

Setup a MySpace account, but do not use any information that will identify who you are. Disguise everything, even your real name. Always be thinking that your teen may be searching MySpace to see if you're out there!

Now you have the ability to easily search and browse your way around. The first step to take is to begin to search for your teen by name.

Note that this menu will not look the same in every profile. Users often customize them to change the look and feel of their page. The link content itself will still be there, you may just have to look a little harder if you're on someone else's page.

Click on the third choice from the left, "search". Here is a description of each of your search choices:

· Find a Friend: Here you can search for someone's name, email address, or display name.

· Find Your Classmate: For searching by school, if the account holder decided to enter school information!

· Search MySpace Profiles: This is basically a keyword search like you use in search engines. It will search in MySpace profiles for the term(s) you enter. Contrary to a very popular book on how to use MySpace (where you pay for the same information you're reading here for free!), this field can be very useful for locating someone. I'll discuss below.

Start your quest with searching by your teenager's full name. Unless the name is unique, you'll probably get multiple returns. Browse through the names and see if you get lucky and come across your teen.

If you do find your teen, remember that the reason you are here is because you suspect they have the potential to hide things from you. They may setup a "perfect kid" profile with all the info that would make them easy to find. This "bluff" site is setup for you: the naive mother. Don't be naive, get the right knowledge and go into stealth mode!

If you had no luck with the real name, next it's time to try email addresses. Remember, email addresses are as easy to setup as MySpace accounts and you may not be familiar with all of your teenager's email addresses. One way to search for hidden emails is to go to Yahoo.com and click on "People Search". Fill out the form to search for your teenager and then choose to look for email addresses.

Remember there should always be a school address - if you don't know your teenager's then go to the schools web site and look for contact information. Find anyone's email and note the format used: firstname_lastname@school.edu or firstinitial_lastname@school.edu etc. - use this format to back into your teenager's potential address.

With as many email addresses you can find search the email field under "find a friend."

Next, try the school field. This will probably result in a lot of profiles. When you have a list of profiles, look for your teen as well as their real life friends! More than likely their friend's profile has a link to your teen and you may even see a photo of your teen on the friend's profile to bring you right to where you want to be!

OK, so name and email did not work? Next step: search for friends. Make a list of all the teens your teen pals around with and do the same searches mentioned above but for their names and/or email addresses (you already looked for them in school). Remember to try the school email method mentioned above since you probably don't normally correspond via email with your teen's friends.

If still no luck you need to dig a little deeper. Using the keyword search box at the top of the search page, start looking for nick names. Do your teen's friends call him or her by a nick name such as Big Al or just your last name? Try those terms in the keyword search toolbox.

If you haven't found your kid yet, but you are quite sure they have a MySpace profile, then it's time for more advanced techniques.

If you have found your kid, then it's time to determine what is going on in their secret MySpace life.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen