I am not alone in this "battle"...

Dear Mr. Hutten:

I cannot tell you how excited I am to begin implementing your parenting techniques. I just ordered the Online book, and have read up to page 30 (end of Session #1).

I have to admit, it was nice to read that I am not alone in this "battle" with my son. He just turned 15 last month, but his attitude and demeanor started to change in February/March, when he met his girlfriend... His grades started dropping (he had been an A/B student until this point). He failed a semester of Spanish, then a semester of Biology; didn't care about anyone else, has ONLY cared about himself, but yet, he cannot accept responsibility for himself. Like you stated, he blames EVERYONE else for his actions. So, yes, everything I have read so far, I can truly relate to.

My son is in counseling. I wonder now if that is where he needs to be. His father and I are divorced (have been for 10 years - I remarried 3 1/2 years ago). My son has issues at his dad's, with his dad's girlfriend. Dad likes to take the girlfriend's side on everything. I have always been the disciplinarian, dad has always been the "toy" and the "giver"... I do know that my son has been hurt by his dad's actions and the fact that dad never stood up for him in certain instances at their house. So I wonder if he has some deep down hidden anger. If he does, isn't that something that he really needs to talk to a counselor about, so he can overcome what he feels? I'm very confused about counseling now.

When my son first started to fail in school, he was grounded for a full marking period - 6 weeks. In hopes that would get his attention and he would pick his grades up. He was grounded with NO privileges, had to sit at the kitchen table, on a hard wooden chair, no t.v., no phone, etc. He passed the next marking period. BUT... started failing again the last semester. So, in all, he sat for 18 consecutive weeks at the kitchen table, without privileges. And unfortunately, he seems pretty proud of that.

The thing that brought me to this point, and prompted me to find you online, was the fact that he had snuck out his bedroom window (2 days before we were to leave for vacation, mind you), and my husband had to call me at work and tell me my son wasn't home. I immediately left work to go back home. He went to his girlfriend's house (big surprise). (he also admitted that this was not the first time he had snuck out the window, he had been doing it quite frequently). But later admitted to me that the girl AND her mother, both lied to me when I called to see if he was there. Needless to say, he is once again grounded. Obviously, I don't have any respect for the mother now, and I am not thrilled with the daughter either. The whole family has been a bad influence on my son, and I hope these issues are also discussed in your book. I thought if I limited my son's time with the girl and her family, that would be better than the argument/fight I would be in for by telling him that he was forbidden to spend time with them at all. Like you said, I can't control him.

I feel like I have been doing the majority of the things stated in your book. Except for the "poker face". That one tends to be a little difficult for me. But I have remained calm during our "talks". I have already figured out that I get absolutely nowhere with my son when I raise my voice. I fall under the "Indulgent" parent category, and my son would fall under the "Scapegoat" category.

I'm sure I will be in touch with you again, during this process, asking for help, guidance, etc. I would like to thank you for putting your information/experiences together in a book for us parents who are dealing with out of control teenagers. I feel a bit of relief already, just after reading the first 30 pages. I will follow your instructions, one session per week, and will prepare myself for the "it will seem worse before it gets better" period. I know it's a struggle, but he is my child and I love him to death. I would/could NEVER turn my back on him. As parents, we have to take the good with the bad, and I'm hoping this is as bad as it will get, but I won't hold my breath...

Again, thank you, and I look forward to our home life getting better with the help of your step-by-step book.

Sincerely,

M.,
(A desparate mom)

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Hi M.,

Be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos that are in the online version of the eBook.

I can see from reading your email that you will have some areas to work on.

Thanks,

Mark

Online Parent Support

School Behavior Problems

Hi Again Mark,

It’s the beginning of week 4 and I’ve just finished reading through the last sections. We’ve continued to make great progress at home and the positive behaviours we’ve started to see from our son are nothing short of amazing. I’m sorry to ask the same questions, but I still don’t know how to handle a couple of situations. I hope you can help me with some specific ideas.

As I mentioned, our son will often become over-excited in social situations and be either annoying, offensive and/or aggressive. This can even escalate into a violent tantrum. We can now handle any meltdowns at home quite well with poker face etc. and mostly ignoring him until he’s calm. This has worked really well and we even got an unprompted apology the other day (unheard of!). My question is: if he’s in a situation where I can’t ignore or leave him alone because he may harm/disrupt others, how do I handle it without giving him any intensity – especially if it usually means we may have to physically remove him from the situation?

My second question is about school again. Unfortunately since I last emailed, he was reported for hurting another boy, given a suspension and told that one more physical incident will mean being expelled. I guess all I can do is stick to the program and hope that doesn’t happen. But also as I mentioned, he comes home each day with a report of how he’s performed against a set of ‘goals’ - ie key areas he MUST improve in – if he can’t, again he will be asked to leave the school (which I think will destroy him). He is given a ‘score’ of 1 (good) to 3 (bad) each day for: sitting still, listening without interruption, working in a group and respecting others. He is still constantly getting 3s. Should I let this run its course? Or should I impose consequences for constant bad scores as they essentially mean he’s behaving badly at school?

Thanks so much again
L.

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Hi L.,

Here are some ways to start dealing with problems or potential problems early, when there is still time to work with teachers and administrators to make school a tolerable place for your son.

1. Listen when your son talks— Kids don't answer the question "How was school?" because they know parents only want to hear good news. Parents should reconnect with what it really feels like to be in school -- the uncomfortable desks, the stuffy classrooms, the disengaged teachers, the work that is either too easy or too hard. Think about what it really feels like to be your child at school. Ask questions about feelings, and really listen to what he or she says. Don't be quick with a pep talk and a pat on the back. Having someone to listen, without judging, can help defuse some of the frustration that might later erupt in dangerous behavior. And if you listen closely, you may be able to figure out other ways to lessen your child's emotional burden.

2. Be realistic about your child's abilities-- Pushing and motivating and holding high expectations can drive some children to be all they can be, but it can drive others straight into anxiety and depression. Would you want to work at a job, day in and day out, where you always had to be at the top of your abilities, handling things you weren't quite on top of and hoping things turn out alright? Kids can't quit, and they have very little recourse in terms of demanding better working conditions, but they can find all sorts of ways to act out their anger and despair. Be honest and compassionate when considering what sort of classroom your child will learn best in and what sorts of supports he or she will require. Academics are important, and it's not wrong to make them your biggest concern, but emotional support and feelings of mastery are important, too.

3. Be respectful of authority yourself-- We all know how important it is to fight for our children and be strong, effective advocates. That struggle may lead us to conclude that some teachers and some administrators are not worthy of our respect, and their judgment is subject to doubt. But be very, very careful how you communicate that to your child. You may think the message you're giving is that grown-ups can be wrong, and you will always stick up for him, and she should value herself even when others criticize. The message your child receives, though, may be that it's okay to be disrespectful to teachers, the rules don't apply to her, and you will clean up every mess he makes. That's an attitude that's sure to cause major problems at school, and beyond -- if you teach a kid to question authority, sooner or later he's going to question yours.

4. Volunteer at your child's school—Being a presence at your child's school -- whether you volunteer at the library or help in the lunchroom, serve as class parent or staff special events -- pays numerous dividends. It gets you known by the administration in a non-adversarial context. It lets your child know that school is important to you and a place you want to be. It gives you an opportunity to observe what goes on in that building, from the conduct of the students to the morale of the teachers. If you can't spare the time to volunteer during the school day, attend every Home and School Association meeting you can, and be sure to show up for Back to School nights and teacher conferences. When school personnel get to know you as an involved and interested parent, they're more likely to be your ally when problems come up.

5. Request an FBA— If the school is sending home complaints about your child's behavior -- and expecting you to do something about it -- put the ball back in their court by requesting a Functional Behavior Assessment (FBA). This will force school personnel to really think about your child's behavior, not just react to it. An FBA examines what comes before bad behavior and what the consequences are for it; what possible function the behavior could serve for the child; and what sorts of things could be setting him or her off. If a child finds classwork too hard or a classroom too oppressive, for example, getting sent to the hallway or the principal or home could become a reward, not a punishment. Conducting an FBA and writing a behavior plan based on it is probably the best way to head off discipline problems. If teachers and administrators refuse to go along with it, you might need to do a little behavior analysis on them.

A Functional Behavioral Assessment (FBA) is an attempt to look beyond the obvious interpretation of behavior as "bad" and determine what function it may be serving for a child. Truly understanding why a child behaves the way he or she does is the first, best step to developing strategies to stop the behavior. Schools are required by law to use FBA when dealing with challenging behavior in students with special needs, although you may need to specifically push for it. The process usually involves documenting the antecedent (what comes before the behavior), behavior, and consequence (what happens after the behavior) over a number of weeks; interviewing teachers, parents, and others who work with the child; evaluating how the child's disability may affect behavior; and manipulating the environment to see if a way can be found to avoid the behavior. This is usually done by a behavioral specialist, and then becomes the basis for a Behavior Intervention Plan.

Examples: A student may act up frequently and be sent to stand in the hallway. But, a FBA may find that the student acts up only during times when a lot of writing is required in class, and that he has documented difficulty with fine motor skills. The misbehavior serves the function of getting him out of written work. Supports to reduce the amount of writing needed and tools to make writing easier may eliminate the behavior in a way that escalating punishments never will.

There is no hard and fast rule regarding what sources of information an FBA includes to lead to some hypothesis about the function of a particular behavior. Let's start by considering what type of information we need and then we can think about how to obtain the answers to these questions:

· Does the behavior occur frequently or infrequently?

· Does the behavior occur in all settings or just some?

· Does the student have the ability to control the behavior or will she need some supports to control it?

· Does the student have the necessary skills to engage in the desired behavior or is there a skills deficit that needs to be addressed?

· Does the student understand the expectations for behavior?

· If the student does have the skills to perform the desired behavior, does the student have the motivation to perform it?

· What is the "payoff" is for the behavior -- e.g., does the student get to avoid some unpleasant activity or get to escape some setting?

To answer the above questions, the school team will generally need to employ a variety of techniques. An FBA should not be based on one person's report or observations. It really requires multiple participants and techniques. When it comes to techniques, in addition to direct assessment of the student and recording of behavior ABC-style, the team will probably also use:

· Scatterplots or matrices tailored to the student that plot the relationship between instructional variables and student behavior over time and situations

· Structured or semi-structured interviews with the student (if appropriate), the student's parents, and school personnel involved with the student

By the end of the data collection process, the team should have sufficient quantitative data on the behavior and qualitative data to develop some guess or hypothesis about what function(s) the behavior serves for the student. It is these hypotheses that will lead to the intervention. There is an important point to be emphasized here: an FBA does not lead to a definite answer or "proof" of anything about the behavior. It leads to an "educated guess" which will then be tested or explored.

Problem behavior typically falls into one or more of three general categories:

(a) behavior that produces attention and other desired events (e.g., access to toys, desired activities)
(b) behavior that allows the person to avoid or escape demands or other undesired events/activities
(c) behavior that occurs because of its sensory consequences (relieves pain, feels good, etc.)

The antecedents and consequences are analyzed to see which function(s) the behavior fulfills. Problem behavior can also serve more than one function, further complicating the matter. The interview, combined with direct observation of the behavior is what most people use in determining the function of the behavior. This is fine when the data collected on the antecedents and consequences is clear. Most of the time this is sufficient in determining the behavior’s function(s).

For example, to determine the function of screaming, we could arrange for attention to be given to the child each time she screams and measure how frequently screaming occurs. We could also make demands on the child, terminating them each time she screams and measure how frequently it occurs. In addition, we could leave the child alone and measure how often screaming occurs. If screaming is more frequent when attention is given, we hypothesize that it occurs to get attention. If screaming is more frequent when demands are made, we can assume that screaming has served to let the person escape or avoid demands. Finally, if screaming is more frequent when left alone, we can assume that it is occurring because of its sensory consequences. This third method should be reserved only for situations in which the functions of behavior are not clear through systematic and direct observation.

Sample Functional Behavior Assessment—

Student Grade Date

Person Completing this checklist______________________________

1. Current Challenging Behavior

This can have as many descriptions of the challenging behavior. Example: Check boxes with Inconsistent behavior, sleeps in class, irresponsible, lacks motivation, etc. Boxes are checked for all that apply.

2. School History

A. Academic Skills
Strengths __________________________________ Deficits_____________________________________

B. Previous Behavior Interventions and Results (on a scale of 1-10 with 1 being poor and 10 being very effective). Put the number on line or leave blank if that intervention has not been attempted in the past.

Some examples of the check boxes for this area are: Incentives for appropriate behavior, work etc., Verbal Praise and Attention, Independent work in private , low-stimulus area, parent contacts, etc.

3. Strength Areas

A. Social Skills
Gets along with peers
Gets along with adults
Sense of humor
Likes to please others
Helpful
Generous
Sensitive

B. Natural Talent/Skills

Mechanical Skills
Carpentry Skills
Artistic
Creative
Athletic
Music

C. Coping Skills
Works well independently
Verbalizes concerns
Sorts through options before acting

4. Learning Style Description

Consider Visual, Auditory, Kinesthetic, Environmental Conditions, Instructional Presentation/Style. Indicate + or -

Overheads, blackboard
Oral Presentation
Hands on Tasks
Manipulatives
Small Groups
Low visual distractions
Low auditory distractions
Examples

5. Medical/Physical Conditions That May Have Effect on Behavior

List of medical conditions

6. Positive School-Based Situations

Include classes or situations that are successful, along with those that the student enjoys.

Has positive friends, Positive role models, works independently, good support system, ext.

7. Difficult School Based Behavior (Academic and Social)

How long can the student tolerate the difficult situation before he/she reacts with a challenging behavior?

Situation Frequency/Duration of Tolerance

Large group situations
Auditory distractions
Tasks above ability level
Comparisons to others
Direct confrontation
Too much responsibility
Changes in environment
Poor Follow through, lack of consistency

8. Antecedent Behaviors and Conditions

Early signs of frustration or anger, what happens just before the challenging behavior?

Verbal Signs:
Loud voice
Swearing
Mumbling
Whining
Complains of Headache
Non-Verbal signs:
Increased activity
Head down
Poor eye contact
Sad face
Hunched over
Disheveled appearance
Withdrawal from activities and peers
Decline in grades
Sudden change in friends
Moodiness
Physical complaints
Environmental signs:
Teasing
Direct confrontation
Lack of attention
Poor follow through by adults
Increased activity in environment
Increasing demands/responsibilities
Substitute teacher
Running out of medication/not refilled
Change in family situation

9.Possible Functions of Challenging Behavior

What kind of need may have been met by the challenging behavior?

Gain attention
Escape responsibilities
Coping with stress
Coping with pain
Coping with disappointment
Dealing with depression
Dealing with lack of sleep

I hope this helps,

Mark

P.S. I’ve attached a PDF from the Child Study Center that will provide more info on FBAs.

16 Year-Old Daughter Wants To Move Out

"Our 16 yr old daughter has been acting out in all of the ways you have described in the introduction. She now wants to move out, go on welfare and share an apartment with a guy have never met who is a few years older than her. We have asked her to leave our home for a week this summer because we had reached our limit. She stole from us yet again a significant amount of stuff. She came back wanting to really try to make things work but now wants to move out. What do you suggest?"

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Hi H.,

I would say 16-years-old is a bit young for moving out. You are legally responsible for her until she turns 18. So if you had written this 2 years from now, I'd write a totally different answer.

First and foremost, simply work through the 4-week program for now. You are currently only into week #1. Only do one session per week – and be sure to watch ALL the Instructional Videos.

Having said that, I think you should call her bluff... if you don't help financially the going will be tough. Don't argue, flatter her a bit (that will catch her off guard), and tell her that she is intelligent and mature and that if she is confident she can manage on her own, then you will support the decision. Tell her that you won't give any financial help and that you will miss her terribly, then sit back and wait. By leaving the decision-making up to your daughter, you will have given her a way to back down without losing face. She is likely to find the responsibility a bit scary, and when she realizes you are giving her the freedom to make her own decisions – she might think twice.

If she does choose to leave - she will be back sooner than later (with a bit more humility this time).

Do not save her from making poor choices. It is the only way she will learn life’s lessons.

Mark Hutten, M.A.

My Out-of-Control Teen: Help for Parents of Defiant Teens

When it's O.K. to use the "F" word--

Online Parent Support

Runaway & Pregnant Daughter

Dear Mark Hutten,

I don't want to alienate my runaway daughter; I don't want to enable her. I haven't seen her since Wednesday morning. She does text me. I can't practice your principles because she's not here to practice them on. I want her to come home at night. When she has the baby, around Thanksgiving, I want to help her raise her and not have her dragging the baby around as she hangs out with whomever. I know where she works, I know approximately where her new lover lives. We own the title on her car. I need specific strategies and approaches, please.

Thank you,

A.

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Hi A.,

Runaway teens, seemingly unmanageable, desperate, desolate, lonely AND alone… they run, in one of two directions:

1. Away from something, someone, a bad situation, perceived threat, disciplined unloving and/or abusive, or in more complex cases of troubled teen run-aways a loving home environment where there are for them, in their minds no real future; or maybe in the other direction.

2. Towards something, the unknown, safety, a life where they can live according to their own rules, not answering to anyone else, where they can be independent, make the rules, be their own boss, independence and freedom to do as they please and answer to no-one… the list could go on and on hypothetically speaking.

Teens who run away from home are often crying for attention. Some teens will attempt to run away just once, after an unusually heated argument or situation in the household, and return shortly after. More serious cases, however, happen with teens in extreme emotional turmoil.

Parents also need to be extremely aware of the symptoms, warning signs and dangers of teenage depression. Far too many teens are suffering from this disease and going untreated. Often, runaways feel they have no other choice but to leave their home, and this is in many cases related to their feelings of sadness, anger and frustration due to depression.

Teens who become runaways will have shown symptoms and warning signs prior to running away. Knowing these signs is the first step to prevention; the second is learning how to prevent symptoms all together. Communication is KEY!
Here are concrete prevention tips:

• Always use direct eye contact when speaking.

• Anger is difficult to subside. However, it is important to never raise your voice or yell/scream at your teen, especially when they are already doing so. A battle of strength doesn't get anyone anywhere.

• If both parents are involved in the conversation, it is very important to take turns, rather than gang up on your teen together. Make sure each parent allows time for your teen to speak in between.

• If your teen is demanding or threatening you, be sure to get professional advice or help from a qualified mental health professional.

• Keep a calm demeanor and insist that your teen does as well. Do not respond to their anger, but instead, wait until they are calm.

• Keep in mind that it is possible to agree with your teen, without doing whatever they want you to. For example, you might agree that there are little differences between 17 year-olds and 21 year-olds, but that doesn't mean you agree with having a party serving alcohol at your house.

• Let's say you are sure you understand your teen's point of view and they understand you understand. If you still don't agree with their statement, tell your teen "I think I understand, but I do not agree. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

• Make sure that you comprehend what your teen is saying, and when you do, let them know. Simply stating "I understand" can go a long way to making your teen feel as though you are respecting their feelings and thoughts, as well as taking them in to consideration.

• NEVER interrupt your teenager when they are speaking or trying to explain their feelings or thoughts. Even if you completely disagree, it is important to wait until they have finished. Keep in mind that just listening and using the words "I understand" does not mean that you agree or will do what they want.

• Never use threats or dare your teen to run away, even if you think they wouldn't do it.

• Refrain from using sarcasm or negativity that may come off as disrespect for your teen.

• Take a break if you get too overwhelmed or upset to continue the conversation with a calm attitude.

• Talk less, slower, and use fewer words than your teen.

• Under no circumstances should you use derogatory names, labels or titles such as liar, childish, immature, untrustworthy, cruel, stupid, ignorant, punk, thief or brat. Continue to be respectful of your teen, even if they have been disrespectful to you.

• When your teen has finished speaking, ask politely if they have anything else they'd like to talk about or share with you.

If your teen runs away—

• Call every one of your teenagers friends. Talk to their parents first, not the friend. Teenagers tend to stick together and will not always tell you the truth. The parents will tell you if they've heard their child talking to yours on the phone and it will also alert them to watch for what their child is doing.

• Call your local Juvenile Detention Officer and ask for their help in finding out your rights concerning what you may or may not do if you find your child yourself.

• Call your local television stations. Many today are more than willing to run stories on missing teens since so many have been lured from home by 'friends' they met online.

• Check any local weeklies and online community papers; they are usually more than willing to help.

• Contact your teenager's friends, their parents, and school staff. Express concern and clearly state your willingness to work out any problems that might exist.

• Do not "storm" a relatively safe place that your child might be staying. If they run out the back door you'll have no idea where they are. They might also run to a less safe harbor.

• Do not threaten the school, friends, or parents. These people may be potential allies. They are the most likely to help if they understand, that you are willing to listen to your child and be open to other perspectives. Even though you're very worried, remain calm. Threatening statements or making accusations only reinforces the notion that you are an unreasonable person. If you have reason to believe that specific individuals are harming your child, pass that information onto the police.

• Go straight to the local authorities, be it police station or sheriff's office. Take with you the flyers you have made up, a copy of the id, color pictures and digital pictures on a floppy. Get in their faces. Do not just make phone calls, be there in person. Drive them nuts until they do something. Make them understand that you are a concerned parent and that you will not let them ignore the fact that YOUR child is missing.

• If your teenager is gone for over 24 hours, or if you have reason to suspect foul play, call the police.

• Make sure they list your runaway in the national database.

• Make sure you follow up and stay in touch with parents and the police. They are your best bet in finding your child and bringing them home.

• Make up one-page flyers that have a clear picture of your child's face and all information you have. Height, weight, age, last seen, etc.

• Post your flyers everywhere kids meet. Phone booths, soda machines, local hangouts, grocery stores, anywhere and everywhere that will let you.

• Put out the word asking that your teenager check in, just to let you know they are safe. You may want to offer an alternative contact of an adult you both know and trust.

• When you get home, call your local paper and ask if they will run a description and picture of your child. Tell them you will either bring them a flyer or email the information. Whichever option they prefer. Beg if you have to.

Regarding teen runaways, know that:

· 40% of runaways return home at their own initiative

· 50% stay within 1-10 miles of home

· 60% percent of runaway episodes last 1-3 days

· Forcing a child to come home without resolving the problem is likely to result in another runaway incident.

· The majority of teenagers who run do so because of a problem they perceive to be unsolvable

I hope this helps,

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Anger Management Classes for Mad Teen

Hi Mark,

What is your opinion? There is a place here in Memphis called Exchange Club Family Center, they have programs to help end family violence. They have a 10 week anger management program for adolescent males (they attend 1 x per week). Do you think this would be helpful, or a waste of time? Of course, we will continue your program.

Thanks for advice.

S.

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Anger Management classes for your teenager is just another "traditional" parenting strategy that will have little bang for your buck. In too many cases, any form of counseling (other than family counseling) makes a bad problem worse, because the teenager feels he is being singled out as "the problem" and reacts accordingly.

I would strongly suggest you stick with Online Parent Support for now.

Don't get distracted,

Mark

Room-Cleaning Solution

Mark-

Thanks for the advice. I did as you said: My 11-year-old S___ refused to clean-up his room ...so I had my 9-year-old C___ do it, and then deducted a portion of S___'s allowance and paid C___ .

S___ was not happy that C___ was in his room and that most of his allowance went to C___. But guess what, I don't the problem of S___ refusing to clean his room anymore.

Thanks for your help on this one,

S.D.