How to make my 13 yr old girl go to sleep?

Hi Mark,

I have purchased your e-guide online parenting techniques and I have applied some of your methods. Though it is difficult to do at first without being angry and not reacting to my 13 yr old daughter rebellious act, but I must say she has improved slowly. Thanks for the guidance!

I would never thought of talking to her in a calmer way before. I was always angry at her when she didn't want to go to school and when she stays up way late at night sometime doesn't even have a wink and she decided to sleep during the day made me even furious. Every action she made, I responded with my anger and hence she branded me as the "Lady nagger of the house". I do deserve that name-calling, now that I realized my mistakes was not able to communicate effectively with her and not being able to express and explain things when I should have.

I'm a single mom. The care & control is given to my ex husband for both of my children. My daughter had a fall out with him and they had quite a big fight and as a result of that she ran away from her dad's place and lives with me since April this year. Although he strongly disapproved of her decision at first but he consent it verbally at the end citing that he will not want to have any part of her upbringing from then on and he told that in front of my daughter. It was sick of him not being able to be diplomatic at all in his choice of words or actions and for a child to hear that I can't even imagine... That was done and I know that it was terrible for my daughter to hear that first hands but I told her that he didn't mean to say that at all and every parent do love their children unconditionally no matter how big and bad the problem is. He was angry and he didn't know any better when he said that. That was my only explanation to her and I guess it didn't sit well on her. She has a low self-esteem due to what her father had said or treated her. Like calling her a prostitute when she sneaked away from home at night to meet her boyfriend then. She was blamed by her dad as the instigator for his Girlfriend to leave for her hometown...Just too much for a 13 yr old! I know it is hard for her and to be honest it was quite hard for me as well adjusting in the beginning. I was working then and I made a decision to quit my job.

She took medications more than she was prescribed by her Child Psychiatrist as she was diagnosed having depressions and anxiety attacks. I've decided to switch the previous psychiatrist to the Hospital Child Psychiatrist specialist where she was treated for the over dose and she's no longer given any medications at all now. She still does have mood swings now and then and are unable to sleep at night. I have spoken to my daughter psychiatrist about this and he suggested to change her sleeping pattern by trying to go to bed earlier than her usual bed time. My daughter bedtime is actually at 10.30pm and he suggested that she should make an effort to be in bed by 10pm instead. I've tried making her to go to bed by 10 and even lie down with her to make her sleep and read books with her and she still can't sleep. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to make my 13 yr old girl to sleep? Anything would help!

With my best wishes and deep thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

Anxiety (which is often brought on by a stressful event) is probably the most common cause of difficulty falling asleep. This is called "stress-related insomnia." It is a self-limited problem that usually resolves over several weeks (sometimes several months). It does not tend to turn into chronic insomnia. It might be helpful to reassure your daughter that it is normal to have difficulty falling asleep after a stressful life event, and that she can expect her situation to improve over the next several weeks. 

Times like this are trying for parents. We don't want our children to experience pain, much less to help them embrace pain. But what an honor it is to be able to help our children face the truly difficult issues of life, and grow into mature, well-adjusted adults.

Your daughter can help herself in the following ways:

• Avoid caffeine intake which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation
• Avoid illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco
• Build a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way
• Decrease negative self-talk: challenge negative thoughts about yourself with alternative neutral or positive thoughts. "My life will never get better” can be transformed into "I may feel hopeless now, but my life will probably get better if I work at it and get some help”
• Develop assertiveness training skills. For example, state feelings in polite firm and not overly aggressive or passive ways: ("I feel angry when you yell at me”… "Please stop yelling.”)
• Exercise and eat regularly
• Learn practical coping skills. For example, break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing and muscle relaxation techniques)
• Learn to feel good about doing a competent or "good enough” job rather than demanding perfection from yourself and others
• Rehearse and practice situations which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class if talking in front of a class makes you anxious
• Take a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, talking to a friend, drawing, writing, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress

Mark

Online Parent Support

I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money...

Hi Mark,

It is the 2<sup>nd</sup> week of school and my kid already has missing assignments and has a D- and an F in two of her classes. I am not saying anything about it. She is doing her chores and her attitude is okay. My problem is this….she has made the freshmen volleyball team. It will cost me $250 for her to continue to play. I feel it is really important for her to play, it keeps her busy. She obviously is going to get kicked off of the team for her bad grades; she needs to maintain a 2.0 to play. I had told her previously (before I read your book) that if she doesn’t play she could lose any or all privileges. I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money for her to play for a couple more weeks and for her not to have any consequences. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks!

W.

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Hi W.,

A kid can earn privileges at home as well as school. Sports are school privileges that are earned by maintaining a minimum grade point average. It looks like your daughter may soon be on the receiving end of a “natural consequence” for poor academic performance (i.e., getting kicked off the team).

Should you cough up $250.00? Check with the coach first to see whether or not she is likely to be kicked off the team. If the coach says “yes” …then that’s pretty much the end of it. You shouldn’t throw your money away in that event.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

Why do I feel so guilty ?

Dear Mr. Hutten,

It's been awhile since my last e-mail.

My son M__ is 17 1/2. He's quit 2 jobs over the last 6 months, but has a car. I've told him that he at least needs to have a job 1 weekend day . I think he should at least put gas in it himself. He is a senior this year and plays soccer now and hockey all winter until March. He has no interest in working at all and keeps asking for money. Per your advice I have stopped with the handouts. I've told him pay for gas or park the car- Why do I feel so guilty ?

I can't get him motivated to do anything, but I also know that he needs to motivate himself. He can be extremely charming until he hears no, that turns to the "whatever" mentality. What else can I do ?

Looking forward to your response,

M.

P.S.

I've intituted an 11:00 pm curfew and no more sleepovers-nothing good comes from teenage boys up all night !! I've stuck to both and probably couldn't have done this without you- you've helped me feel that I am doing the right thing instead of feeling guilty.(11:00 curfew is early, but is because of early summer incident- I've told him he can get back to 11:30 but it is up to him-

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Hi M.,

I don't have too much to add really. You're doing exactly what you should be doing ...and "feeling guilty" is very typical.

It does get better over time though. When you realize that you are doing all this FOR your son rather than AGAINST him, then you won't feel as though you've done something "wrong" or "bad" while implementing this "tough love" approach..

Mark

Online Parent Support

Addicted to computer games...

Q: i am 27 yrs old mom of a 5 yrs-old boy who really, i may say addicted to computer games. Im worried about him coz he shows no interest in going to school. Aside from that at home he becomes destructive everytime we stop him from doing or getting what he wants. At the age of five he is lazy in writing and doing school work. But i believe that my child is smart and can be an outstanding student if only we could motivate him.

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A: Computers, video games, and the Internet have become entrenched features of our daily lives. Computer use has reached beyond work and is now a major source of fun and entertainment for many people. For most people, computer use and video game play is integrated into their lives in a balanced healthy manner. For others, time spent on the computer or video game is out of balance, and has displaced work, school, friends, and even family.

When time spent on the computer, playing video games or cruising the Internet reaches a point that it harms a youngster's or adult's family and social relationships, or disrupts school or work life, that person may be caught in a cycle of addiction. Like other addictions, the computer or video game has replaced friends and family as the source of a person's emotional life. Increasingly, to feel good, the addicted person spends more time playing video games or searching the Internet. Time away from the computer or game causes moodiness or withdrawal.

When a person spends up to ten hours a day or more rearranging or sending files, playing games, surfing the net, visiting chat rooms, instant messaging, and reading emails, that easily can reach up to seventy to eighty hours a week on-line with the computer. Major social, school or work disruptions will result.

Symptoms of computer or video game addiction:

For kids:

• Choosing to use the computer or play video games, rather than see friends.
• Dropping out of other social groups (clubs or sports).
• Falling asleep in school.
• Irritable when not playing a video game or on the computer.
• Lying about computer or video game use.
• Most of non-school hours are spent on the computer or playing video games.
• Not keeping up with assignments.
• Worsening grades.

For adults:

• Can't control computer or video game use.
• Computer or video game use is characterized by intense feelings of pleasure and guilt.
• Experience feelings of withdrawal, anger, or depression when not on the computer or involved with their video game.
• Fantasy life on-line replaces emotional life with partner.
• Hours playing video games or on the computer increasing, seriously disrupting family, social or even work life.
• Lying about computer or video game use.
• May incur large phone or credit bills for on-line services.
• Obsessing and pre-occupied about being on the computer, even when not connected.

There are even physical symptoms that may point to addiction:

• Back, neck aches
• Carpal tunnel syndrome.
• Dry eyes
• Failure to eat regularly or neglect personal hygiene
• Headaches
• Sleep disturbances

For the computer or video game addicted person, a fantasy world on-line or in a game has replaced his or her real world. The virtual reality of the computer or game is more inviting than the every day world of family, school or work. With the increased access to pornography on the Internet and in games, this fantasy world may be highly sexual.

Kids love PC games, and that's not always a bad thing. Whether played on a handheld device, a computer, or a television set, the games can provide hours of quiet fun. (That's one reason parents often rely on them to keep the peace on family vacations.) The games can boost computer skills and improve eye-hand coordination. One 2004 study showed that surgeons who play PC games commit fewer surgical errors than do their non-game-playing counterparts.

PC games are emotionally "safe." When a youngster makes a mistake, no one else knows (unlike the public humiliation of, say, striking out in a real-life baseball game). And because each error made in a computer game helps the player learn the specific action needed to advance the next time, the player gets the satisfaction of steadily improving and ultimately winning.

But PC games carry some big downsides. Besides being very expensive, many popular games involve graphic sex and violence. Perhaps most worrisome, they can be extremely habit-forming. Any youngster can become "addicted" to PC games, but kids with AD/HD seem to be at particular risk. Many of them have poor social or athletic skills, and this doesn't matter in the world of PC games. Such games level the playing field for kids with AD/HD. And kids bothered by distractibility in the real world are capable of intense focus (hyperfocus) while playing. The computer game "trance" is often so deep that the only way to get the player's attention is to shake her or "get in her face."

To make the games less seductive, find ways to minimize your youngster's downtime at home, especially those times when he is alone. Maybe your youngster would be interested in arts and crafts, theater, or movie-making. Maybe a social-skills group would be a good idea. Maybe he could join a youth group at your church or synagogue.

If she has trouble with a particular sport because of poor motor skills, or has difficulty understanding the rules or strategies, look for another sport that might be more accommodating - for example, martial arts, bowling, or swimming. Help your youngster find some activity that he likes and a place where he can do it.

Kids with AD/HD often lack the "internal controls" needed to regulate how much time they spend playing PC games. It's up to parents to rein in the use of the games.

The first step is often the hardest: Both parents must agree on a set of rules. How much time may be spent playing the games on school nights? Must homework be done first? Chores? How much time may be spent on a weekend day? Which games are taboo, and which are O.K.? If the youngster plays Internet-based games, which sites are acceptable?

Once parents agree, sit down with your youngster and discuss the rules. Make it clear which rules are negotiable and which are not. Then announce that the rules start right now. Be sure you can enforce the rules. For example, if your youngster is allowed to spend 30 minutes at PC games on school nights - and only after homework and chores are done - the game and game controls must be physically unavailable when she gets home from school.

If games involve a computer or a television set, find a way to secure the system until its use is permitted. When the 30 minutes of playing are up, retake the controls. If she balks, she loses the privilege to play the game the following day. If you come into her bedroom and find her playing the game under the covers, she might lose the privilege for several days.

Give warning times: "You have 15 more minutes... You now have 10 minutes... There are only five minutes left." A timer that is visible to the youngster can be helpful. When the buzzer rings, say, "I know you need to reach a point where you can save the game. If you need a few more minutes, I will wait here and let you have them."

If he continues to play despite your step-by-step warnings, do not shout or grab the game or disconnect the power. Calmly remind him of the rules, then announce that for each minute he continues to play, one minute will be subtracted from the time allowed the next day (or days). Once you get the game back, lock it up. When he finally regains the privilege to play, say, "Would you like to try again to follow the family rules?"

Online Parent Support

He’ll have to move into our garage...

Mark, My husband and I have been taking your online course and it has been very helpful. Our son is about to turn 18 and has all but dropped out of school. We feel that our next step should be to give him a few choices: either he goes to school regularly or gets a job by the time he turns 18 or he’ll have to move into our garage. If he moves into the garage, we won’t support him in any way except to provide food and a garage couch for him to sleep on. He won’t be allowed in the house except to use the bathroom. If we actually kick him out of the house now, I’m sure he’ll just get into more trouble. I know eventually it may come that, but the garage is my last step before kicking out. Does this make good sense to you? Do you have any other recommendations? Thanks so much for your input. K.

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