Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door...

Hi T. and T.,

== > I’ve responded throughout your email below:

Mark,

You seem to be the person with the most sound advice, so we are writing to you again. Our 16 year old has continued to escalate his out of control behavior. We have removed the privilege of having a private bedroom, as recommended, and we have a space for him on a couch. We locked up his room, and we removed all of his attitude clothing and gadgets. He basically has an alarm clock, his school clothes, food, water, and normal household items. There is a posted note on his door telling him simply (and precisely) what he needs to do to get this stuff back. He needs to comply to a three day grounding and avoid swearing and profanity towards his parents. Pretty straight forward, and we even took the time to read it with our best poker faces.

== > O.K. So far …so good.

He has kicked in the door to his room to get some stuff (we didn't have most of his items there), he leaves and comes back after curfew (if at all), he attends school sporadically (he claims to like it), and he is constantly telling his mother to shut up or leave him alone (with profanity) whenever she tries to approach him about anything. We are filing reports (almost daily) with the police and with the juvenile court diversion program (he's currently in) for every rule/law he violates. We also filed a fourth degree misdemeanor domestic violence for pushing his mother around. We even have taken complaints straight to the juvenile court intake officer.

== > You are still greatly on track. I’m proud of you for doing the hard business of employing tough love (which is often tougher on the parent than the child).

They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough. They told us straight out that his most likely outcome is a probation officer that will put him at the bottom of the list of priorities as he hasn't done anything really bad. We keep doing it anyway.

== > Re: They still have the same story - he's not doing anything bad enough.

I would disagree. “Battery” is certainly “bad enough.” Your filed complaint will have its day in court, which may also be the day that your son is placed on probation.

Perhaps no single incident is “bad enough” (other than the battery). However, as you are documenting the events and filing reports, a cumulative effect is taking place under probation’s nose (e.g., one bee sting is meaningless, but 25 bee stings are deadly). Probation will stall as long as they can (since they are super busy and do not want to take on any more cases than necessary). But eventually they will see the need to intervene.

Pick the battles carefully. Here are the battles you should fight:

• Whenever your son commits any act that is a crime for a juvenile (i.e., status offenses such as truancy, possession and consumption of alcohol, curfew violations, purchase of cigarettes, etc.
• Whenever he commits any act that would be a crime for an adult

Other than the above 2 points, let it go and focus on making plans for him to move out when he’s 18.

He is not following his counseling anymore, and we're running out of options.

== > Counseling is just another traditional parenting strategy that tends to make a bad problem worse (because the kid feels that the parents are blaming him for all the family’s problems, thus he becomes resentful and behaves accordingly).

T__ sat down today and told him that we still are his family, and that all he needs to do is follow family rules. Today is the day he kicked in his bedroom door while we were gone. Our other family member and friend placement options look grim as no one really wants to deal with him. He has disassociated himself with his grandparents and other family members as he believes we turned them against him.

== > If there was property damage, then call the cops again (if you haven’t done so already) so they can file yet another report.

I have a feeling that things may come to a head when the battery charge is addressed. If, for whatever reason, probation does not want to address that issue, then it’s time to get an attorney and have him talk to the prosecutor. Then you’ll have the cards stacked in your favor.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen

How to make my 13 yr old girl go to sleep?

Hi Mark,

I have purchased your e-guide online parenting techniques and I have applied some of your methods. Though it is difficult to do at first without being angry and not reacting to my 13 yr old daughter rebellious act, but I must say she has improved slowly. Thanks for the guidance!

I would never thought of talking to her in a calmer way before. I was always angry at her when she didn't want to go to school and when she stays up way late at night sometime doesn't even have a wink and she decided to sleep during the day made me even furious. Every action she made, I responded with my anger and hence she branded me as the "Lady nagger of the house". I do deserve that name-calling, now that I realized my mistakes was not able to communicate effectively with her and not being able to express and explain things when I should have.

I'm a single mom. The care & control is given to my ex husband for both of my children. My daughter had a fall out with him and they had quite a big fight and as a result of that she ran away from her dad's place and lives with me since April this year. Although he strongly disapproved of her decision at first but he consent it verbally at the end citing that he will not want to have any part of her upbringing from then on and he told that in front of my daughter. It was sick of him not being able to be diplomatic at all in his choice of words or actions and for a child to hear that I can't even imagine... That was done and I know that it was terrible for my daughter to hear that first hands but I told her that he didn't mean to say that at all and every parent do love their children unconditionally no matter how big and bad the problem is. He was angry and he didn't know any better when he said that. That was my only explanation to her and I guess it didn't sit well on her. She has a low self-esteem due to what her father had said or treated her. Like calling her a prostitute when she sneaked away from home at night to meet her boyfriend then. She was blamed by her dad as the instigator for his Girlfriend to leave for her hometown...Just too much for a 13 yr old! I know it is hard for her and to be honest it was quite hard for me as well adjusting in the beginning. I was working then and I made a decision to quit my job.

She took medications more than she was prescribed by her Child Psychiatrist as she was diagnosed having depressions and anxiety attacks. I've decided to switch the previous psychiatrist to the Hospital Child Psychiatrist specialist where she was treated for the over dose and she's no longer given any medications at all now. She still does have mood swings now and then and are unable to sleep at night. I have spoken to my daughter psychiatrist about this and he suggested to change her sleeping pattern by trying to go to bed earlier than her usual bed time. My daughter bedtime is actually at 10.30pm and he suggested that she should make an effort to be in bed by 10pm instead. I've tried making her to go to bed by 10 and even lie down with her to make her sleep and read books with her and she still can't sleep. I'm just wondering if you have any advice on how to make my 13 yr old girl to sleep? Anything would help!

With my best wishes and deep thanks,

S.

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Hi S.,

Anxiety (which is often brought on by a stressful event) is probably the most common cause of difficulty falling asleep. This is called "stress-related insomnia." It is a self-limited problem that usually resolves over several weeks (sometimes several months). It does not tend to turn into chronic insomnia. It might be helpful to reassure your daughter that it is normal to have difficulty falling asleep after a stressful life event, and that she can expect her situation to improve over the next several weeks. 

Times like this are trying for parents. We don't want our children to experience pain, much less to help them embrace pain. But what an honor it is to be able to help our children face the truly difficult issues of life, and grow into mature, well-adjusted adults.

Your daughter can help herself in the following ways:

• Avoid caffeine intake which can increase feelings of anxiety and agitation
• Avoid illegal drugs, alcohol and tobacco
• Build a network of friends who help you cope in a positive way
• Decrease negative self-talk: challenge negative thoughts about yourself with alternative neutral or positive thoughts. "My life will never get better” can be transformed into "I may feel hopeless now, but my life will probably get better if I work at it and get some help”
• Develop assertiveness training skills. For example, state feelings in polite firm and not overly aggressive or passive ways: ("I feel angry when you yell at me”… "Please stop yelling.”)
• Exercise and eat regularly
• Learn practical coping skills. For example, break a large task into smaller, more attainable tasks
• Learn relaxation exercises (abdominal breathing and muscle relaxation techniques)
• Learn to feel good about doing a competent or "good enough” job rather than demanding perfection from yourself and others
• Rehearse and practice situations which cause stress. One example is taking a speech class if talking in front of a class makes you anxious
• Take a break from stressful situations. Activities like listening to music, talking to a friend, drawing, writing, or spending time with a pet can reduce stress

Mark

Online Parent Support

I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money...

Hi Mark,

It is the 2<sup>nd</sup> week of school and my kid already has missing assignments and has a D- and an F in two of her classes. I am not saying anything about it. She is doing her chores and her attitude is okay. My problem is this….she has made the freshmen volleyball team. It will cost me $250 for her to continue to play. I feel it is really important for her to play, it keeps her busy. She obviously is going to get kicked off of the team for her bad grades; she needs to maintain a 2.0 to play. I had told her previously (before I read your book) that if she doesn’t play she could lose any or all privileges. I don’t feel it is fair for us to pay that kind of money for her to play for a couple more weeks and for her not to have any consequences. Do you have any suggestions for me?

Thanks!

W.

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Hi W.,

A kid can earn privileges at home as well as school. Sports are school privileges that are earned by maintaining a minimum grade point average. It looks like your daughter may soon be on the receiving end of a “natural consequence” for poor academic performance (i.e., getting kicked off the team).

Should you cough up $250.00? Check with the coach first to see whether or not she is likely to be kicked off the team. If the coach says “yes” …then that’s pretty much the end of it. You shouldn’t throw your money away in that event.

Mark

My Out-of-Control Teen